I appreciate it, but that was just a really off day for me.
Yes it's tough as is, but I am getting better over time.
I get where you're coming from, but I'm always working on myself.
Therapy has helped to some extent, but I've spent my life studying my thoughts and emotions.
And sometimes it's just been easier to do it myself.
Really the only benefit I got from Therapy was learning things about Psychology I didn't know, and hearing someone else's Opinion.
But like I said, it's easier to just do it myself, and in this case, speak with someone close to me when I need to hear another opinion or clear my head.
I don't know exactly which part you'd be referring to, but I've been getting help for years.
I've been through a lot of stuff and it's going to take a while.
I've just been broken further than most people would know is even possible.
Don't know if I mentioned it in my post, but I actually met God after I messed around with some spiritual stuff and got myself possessed.
People can think what they want about that, but I know what I experienced.
And when God showed me Who He really was years later, I saw what I'd experienced with the demons written in The Bible clear as day.
When the possession first happened God laid out how to Endure them and said not to let myself become like them.
And that He would lead me to Himself one day.
They basically never let me rest, day or night I was tormented.
I saw things every day that made me beg God to let me die.
He would always tell me either to stay for the people I care about, or say He had people He wanted me to help one day.
Then He'd dust me off, tell me to Endure and be Merciful, then say He'd lead me to Himself one day.
But what they did to me wore me down beyond what I thought was possible.
I hit my limit and rock bottom several layers over.
A few years in I realized that as long as I was breathing, there was probably going to be another layer of rock bottom and limit to my ability to suffer.
Often I'd wonder how I was still functioning, how I still had the energy to function.
Every time I realized that it was probably Whoever He was keeping me going.
To explain what it felt like, those years felt like if something wore down your skin, then your flesh and eventually it was just wearing down at your bones.
And you're there continuing to go even though almost all you can feel is pain and a numbness that comes with it.
You keep going but you wonder how you're still going, why you're still going.
You remember it's because you Love the people you Love, but you can't remember what it feels like to care about them.
But you hold the thought that's become functionally just a mental note saying "I care about these people, you'll feel it again one day. But keep going because you really do care about them."
I could go on. But it was blinding pain, numbness, constant mind games from the demons and trying to keep my thoughts and emotions patched up just enough to be able to get myself to wherever The One Who Watched Over me wanted me to be.
Then I'd find Him, point people to Him, and then I thought I'd be able to pass on in Peace.
But when I did find Him, when He did reveal Himself to me.
He said that He was asking me to live.
That He would build me up and give me a life.
I mourned the death I thought I would get to recieve.
But just like before, I picked it all back up again because I could still be of use to help others once I recovered from all this.
I still don't care about my life.
But I decided to wait it out until God takes me from this world.
Sometimes I've asked Him to take me, but if I ever did it myself I'm afraid it would shatter the Faith that my little brother and my other family members have found since I started sharing Jesus with them.
I'm alive for them.
But that also means that I have no reason of my own for being here.
Nothing.
I exist to Help and to Serve.
But I live in pain often struggle to see the point in going through what I go through in the healing process.
My little brother is an adult with a family.
My cousins are all grown and doing their things. No one needs me.
And God doesn't need me to Save anyone, He could Save People with nothing but the birds and the bugs if that's what He wanted.
He chooses to use people to Save others, according to His Will.
But even though the last relationship with a woman ended poorly, I actually felt like I had reason to change.
Somebody in my life to fight for in a way that mattered to me.
I actually felt life and purpose in me for the first time in an extremely long time.
Women just seem to have a way of causing you to care about things.
Even if things turned out bad, it really did feel like this might be the way that I start to care enough to become the person that I need to be.
Anyway, sorry for the ramble.
I just get a little triggered when I hear someone suggest finding help.
Been working on this for a while now, will be working on it for a while still.
But if you're worried about me doing anything, it's not gonna happen.
Hurting the people I care about like that isn't an option for me.
I felt like I was willing to more seriously date her and hopefully move closer to Marriage.
But I was Praying a Prayer to God during that time.
The Prayer was that if she ever commits any form of Infidelity for Him to separate us and cut her off from me.
I was feeling an uncomfortable jealous feeling one morning.
I figured it was just my old stuff and paranoia happening.
And as I had throughout this, I Prayed for God to help me.
Usually He would eventually help me center myself and find a point of reasonability.
But this time it didn't seem to be happening.
I Prayed and Prayed for a while throughout the morning.
Eventually I Prayed that God cuts me off from her entirely if there was any Infidelity.
And I felt a clear feeling like something had been cut off from me, I don't know how to describe it.
I Prayed for clarification throughout the day.
Ultimately I feel like it was clairfied that something had happened.
I Prayed that God stop me if I was making a mistake by walking away, and there was no response to when I did walk away.
I had felt like God was giving me signs that she was not a woman for me before that.
I just didn't acknowledge it at the time I guess.
But yeah, Idunno.
I haven't told anyone around me that I was even talking to a woman, let alone that this happened.
It hurts.
I really just want to find a woman who I can trust.
Someone who's Faithful to God.
Doesn't have strange ulterior motives.
Who doesn't see me as just another guy.
And now I feel like I have to add "Doesn't have a really close guy friend" to the mix.
I'd even be willing to stop talking to my female friends for the sake of not being a hypocrite.
My Wife and God are of more importance at the end of the day.
Idunno, I just feel like I needed to vent.
This sucks. I feel like women don't take me seriously or see me as boring.
I'm just busy, broken, mending and tired.
I'm working with God to put myself together after a lifetime of being broken down.
There'll be time enough for Joy, but right now I have things I need to work on.
And I kind of need a woman in my life at the moment.
I know people will probably disagree with me.
But I'm struggling to care about almost anything at the moment.
Struggling to keep myself focused on the process.
I just have nothing to fight for.
I fought for the people of this world most of my life.
(It's a long story.
But basically I put myself through a lot of this hurt for the sake of learning and growing, in ways that I could use to help people later on in my life when I recovered from it.
If it sounds out the gate and unbelievable, that's probably because the idea came from a 7 year old version of myself traumatized by a recent event and, unknown to him, in shock.
Basically it was the ideas of a kid who watched too much tv and wanted to be some kind of real world hero, helping people with their hearts and minds and other things.)
But I fought for people in general for most of my life.
When that burned up, I held onto the Love I had for the people I cared about.
When that started to burn up I held onto the shreds of both that I had left.
Coming to Christ and finding out that my strength and wits mean very little in terms of saving souls, that God leads them to Himself and through into Relationship with Himself.
It kind of broke me.
It'll only work when it was a part of God's Plan.
And that's hard to handle.
Now I look out at humanity and try to come to terms with the fact that I myself, while I can be a vessel for Salvation, can never choose who lives.
The point I'm getting at is I find it hard to keep working forward.
I feel like God wants to use me to help others through my Testimony and other things I've learned along the way.
That's usually what He calls me forward with.
But I just don't care anymore.
Live, die, it all just seems the same.
I experienced losing a girlfriend to suicide when I was a teenager.
It just feels like I've been staring death in the face my whole life, but especially since then.
Finding a woman who wants to be mine and for me to be hers, that's what's kept me going most of my life.
My own personal blessing out of everything I was working for.
I'm so tired. But I will get up.
Because unless God doesn't intend for me to get up, I'll get up like I have over and over again.
Not by my strength, but by His.
I've walked along on fumes for years and years.
I guess we'll see how much longer the sandals underneath my feet can handle.
I just needed to get this out there somewhere, it's hard to keep this all up inside.
May God Bless and Protect you and yours, in Jesus Mighty name.
