A little while ago, I was asked to give my testimony. As I started to write it down, I remembered what was said about me, that I had a great testimony and should share it with others. But, what is a great testimony? I gave it some thought and just want to reflect and give my opinion on that subject. As I reflect back on my life, my eyes start to fill with tears as I realize all the wasted time there was on pleasing myself and trying to do the right thing as it were. Doing the right thing? Or was it doing the right thing according to me?
I have thought long and hard about this subject and I have to tell you what I have come to realize. I was born on December 13th, 1967. It was on a Wednesday afternoon around 3:13, I often heard my mom tell me about my birth so I imagined it to go something like this. My mom yelling, �It�s a what? It�s not a girl? I don�t want it, put it back, yes you will put it back!� Needless to say I went home in a pretty pink outfit and to a pink room. I was the youngest of four boy�s, one of us boy�s didn't make it into the world but the other three of us grew up almost hating each other and doing all we could to see each other punished as much as possible and when we managed to succeed in getting the other in trouble, which usually resulted in the rest of us getting in trouble too. My dad was gone most of my life. My parents divorced when I was young. My mom raised us and what a job that was.
Without going into my whole life, I, like my two older brothers, was rebellious and always had to do things my way. Growing up on the street was a choice I had made, not something my mother wanted. In fact, my mother was one of the greatest moms I will ever know. When I would tell some of the stories of how we would get punished, I have heard some say that it was child abuse�. I say to them you didn't know us. Everything my mother did was to save us from the heartache she suffered and to give us an easier life. I respect you mom and owe my life to you. Nothing you did was wrong and even when it was, we still deserved it.
I grew up in a church in Zion, Illinois. It was the Christian Fellowship Bible Church, and the Pastor was Rev. N. Schneller. Even with the influence of a great man of God like him, I still wanted things my way. In fact, it was that way my whole life, just one disappointment after another. I was told by one man in the church that I would grow up to amount to nothing and that my middle brother was the one that will make something of himself but he was wrong on that account. I made something of myself alright but it wasn't what God wanted.
I was taught the Bible through and through. I memorized books and chapters at a time. I knew so much no one could tell me it was of no private interpretation because I knew what it said and that was final. I lived my life on the thought that, if I thought it was right, then it was. The truth about it is that you are never right, even when you are told you are. The fact is I was a walking Bible and thought I was untouchable. I went through life thinking God owed me for all the years I spent doing things for �Him� and now it was time to live for me.
The great thing about God is that He not only has a sense of humor but has mercy on us. He kept me from killing myself several times and protected me all the time. So many times as I look back and can see all the times God actually took up for me, and it was many. Everyone must see God in reality in order for them to see Him as real. The experience you have with God is not close till something so simple makes you see Him as the creator of all things and more real then you and me.
In 1991, I got my first interaction directly with Him. I had been working a lot and I was so tired I started to get the headaches that plagued me my whole adult hood to that point and they seemed to get worse the older I got. It was about three in the morning when the headache started and was full blown within seconds. I had to be to work in four hours and I couldn't lie down or stand up, there was nothing I could do as the pain was getting unbearable and I didn't have anything to take for it. Then something in me said �Faith without works is dead being alone� I then said out loud �let a man ask in faith nothing wavering� I laid down on my bed and said �Father thank you for taking away my headache in Jesus name� and was fast asleep. The headache left before I said it and later I was up for work and refreshed. I never had the headaches again. The whole next day was surreal to me. It was as if something in me was unlocked and I was aware of the presence of the living God.
I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day and when I wasn't working I was drunk. I moved around so much I almost forgot what my home town was. I had been homeless several times and I knew how it felt to go without food for days at a time living in boarding houses and sometimes under a sheet of plastic in the woods. My life was a mess. In the year of 1993 I took a job in an electronics company and was doing very well for myself. Then the second reality of God started. God called my name. I heard Him but I ignored Him, besides this was my time for me. I will do what I want. He called me for three weeks and I still didn't listen. I chose to go about my day doing whatever I wanted like being drunk or high. I liked pot. It was my drug of choice and I always had to drink with it. So as you can see my world wasn't a pleasurable one.
One day, when I was at work, I went out on a cigarette break and smoked three of them in a row and started to not be able to catch my breath. I looked at my fingers and they were blue. I, having the background of a CNA (certified nurse�s assistant), knew that it was not right. I passed out. When I came to, I was in the front office at work being asked all kinds of questions. It was hard to answer because I couldn't catch my breath. The powers that be decided I needed medical attention, so they took me to the hospital. I was admitted into the hospital for more tests when they didn't find anything wrong with me. I was put through a lot of tests and the best they could tell me was I was dying and would not leave the hospital. I knew what was wrong and I didn't want to admit it not even in the face of death did I back down. I was too proud to admit that I was wrong and that God didn�t owe me but in fact I owed God. The life I chose was coming to an end quickly.
My mom came to visit me and brought a few guys from her church. They visited me and gave me a Bible to read. On a Monday my doctor came into my room and told me he wanted one more test and as I waited for the test I heard my name being called. This time I answered and said �Lord what is it you want me to do?� The voice of Jesus was so calm and graceful. I remember thinking that He should be very angry with me but he wasn�t. He told me to open my Bible. So I did and asked what He wanted me to read. He said to look at the bulletin in the middle of the Bible and I did. It said �Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost. (Acts 2:38). I said to myself there is no such verse, I have memorized plenty and have read the Bible through seven times and there is no such verse. So, I looked it up and sure enough just like a veil had been taken from my eyes I saw the verse for the first time and I asked the Lord is this what you want me to do? He said yes it is. Call them and talk with them. I did as He told me. For the first time in my life, I listened to Him.
I called the church the men came from, and made an appointment with them to do what God said for me to do. After the test was given to me, I was told to get my house in order and that I would not survive much longer. My lungs were not exchanging oxygen and I was getting really short of breath and I said to the people standing there with me, �I hate to burst your bubble but I will be going home on Wednesday!� They just looked at me. On Wednesday the doctor came in my room and told me I have acute asthma and he gave me four inhalers and said �we are releasing you today.�
I did as I was told and went to the church and was baptized in the name of Jesus. From that point on my life started to change and I joined the ministry there and was happy and my life seemed to be great and on track again. Later, the Lord had told me to leave where I was at, so I prepared to do so, when one day God said �Shawn go and pray at the front of the church� for a pastor I never met. I did as I was told. I went and started to pour my soul and spirit out for this man and I was amazed at myself that I had that much compassion for this man I never met. As I stood there praying I was not even aware of the others that gathered there and was praying to and the tears ran down my face for this man I didn't know and then a rush of wind started at the top of my head and didn't stop till it reached my feet and came back up to the top of my head again and the sound was as a mighty waterfall, yet it was gentle enough that I could stay standing. I opened my eyes and looked down to check to see if I had anything missing like a leg or arm when I noticed my finger nails that were so blue they matched my eyes, were no longer blue but pink. I looked at the pastor that was at the pulpit and said I think I have been healed. The pastor looked at me and said �you claim this victory in the name of Jesus everyday for the rest of your life.� God saw fit to take my asthma way and I have not used an inhaler again from that day on for asthma. There are so many people in this world and the living God, the creator of all things, loved me so much he not only sacrificed His son for me but He healed me on top of it all.
I left the church to go where I had no clue. I ended up in Wisconsin and found a job there and everything was good, so good I started to get away from the will of God and start back down the road of self destruction again. I started drinking and smoking again and was committing fornication and not caring anymore about what God did for me. I had forgotten my God again. I got married in 1999, just because I could, and knew it was not for love but thought I could learn to love her. It lasted for 10 years but 5 of those years were spent living in separate houses. She drank and other things and she was having fun with other men and I just walked out one day because I had had enough. I moved and started living in a room in someone�s house and was still working and poured myself into work to cover for the pain I was feeling. I started back to the bars and was drunk every night, got into a few fights, and had to walk home a few times. But I figured as long as I didn't stumble, as I walked, it wasn�t sin.
I met an old girlfriend and moved in with her and started to straighten out a bit. I stopped drinking so much but worked ninety six hours a week to hide my pain. I was making good money and I was kind of happy again. I spent the next 5 years with her and in February of 2007, I had fallen down the stairs at my apartment and thought I could walk off the pain. Then one day the Lord said to me �Shawn it is time.� I actually listened. I said �Lord what do you want me to do?� He said �learn�, and I realized the information I was learning was not from a book. It came to my mind as if I had always known it. I learned so much in two days that I suffered a headache from it. Then the word of the Lord came to me and said �I want you to remember what you have been taught and go to a woman�s house and help the man there with the knowledge you have.�
I got into my van and drove to the house and inside I found that the two were fighting fiercely. I separated the two and started talking to the man and told him about God�s mercy and how His son took everything we have done or will do to the cross with Him and died in our place. The man cried and said I am of the pagan religion and that is the first truth I have heard. He said �Jesus help me�. I heard a noise and God said �get to your feet and protect my child� and I got up and without thought and stood in front of the man and saw the woman coming at me with hatred in her eyes and a look as if she was going to kill him. I put up my hands to stop her but she stopped short of me. I felt like a fire came down in front of my face and the third reality of God set in, all of a sudden, everything was clear to me; the angel of the Lord came and drew his sword to kill the woman if she touched me. I looked in her eyes and saw pure evil in them staring at me. I could feel the coldness from her and I said with authority in my voice that I was going to take the man with me and told him to get his things and let�s go. A cold shiver run from my right arm down threw my body as if I was touched by an icicle but I dismissed it and took the man and left the house. I got home after dropping the man in a safe place and the Lord told me to call my doctor in the morning and that I should rest now. I laid down and I felt the angel of God watching over me. Nothing has been the same ever since that day.
As I slept that night I was awakened by a sight my eyes did not see. I thought I was dreaming but the vision was so real I was sure it happened. I saw a figure of a woman standing in my bedroom door way chanting. I jumped to my feet and the Lord said pray so I did and prayed protection over the room and got a bottle of oil from my cupboard and asked Jesus to bless it and anointed my bedroom with the oil. I felt the room fill up with as if I had a bunch of people over for a party. It felt tight. I know it was the angels of the Lord sent to protect me. I stayed awake for a while and talked with God and we had a great conversation about His kingdom and the places for His people. We have a great Father in heaven. This was not the first time I was visited by God. I can recall the first time. It was several years before at a very early hour in the morning when I was sitting at my computer working on a web site for a school. I felt like a person walked into the room and sat next to me in the chair that was there. I looked next to me and the chair was empty but I was aware that the Lord Himself was sitting there and we talked about His plans for the school that I was creating a web site for. I never questioned why He came and sat next to me but I was overjoyed and felt special because He came and talked to me.
The next day after my talk with God, I had to work early and didn't call my doctor and I started feeling pains in my right arm and they moved to my left and down my legs and grew worse over time. I did all I could to keep going and by the time November came around I was in so much pain I was doing all I could to pretend it was minor. Christmas Eve 2007, we were in our new home and we were having family over and I was in even more pain. I felt I was at my breaking point but kept saying that I had worked this long, ninety six hours a week, I can go the holidays without seeing my doctor and promised I would call him after the New Year. God said I wouldn't make it that long. I didn't listen and thought how bad could it really be? On Christmas day 2007, I went to see my mom and spend the day with her. As I was sitting in a chair I felt urgency in myself to go to the emergency room and I felt I could not go on anymore. Holding back the urge to scream out in pain I got out of my chair and said that I apologize but I needed to go to the hospital and one of the guys there said he would take me.
On the way to the hospital the Lord spoke to me and told me to tell the doctor to give me a blood test. When I arrived I had to crawl down the stairs and could barely walk to the counter to admit myself. I was called into the room and was asked what the problem was. I told the doctor that I being in a lot of pain was an understatement and I told him about the fall I took and that I had been to the hospital several times for the same symptoms. He told me he was going to ex-ray me as they had done several times before. I said �No! Please give me a blood test�. He ordered the blood test. I saw the doctor walking toward my room several minutes later with a sorrowful look on his face as if he had received bad news from home. When he entered my room and looked at me. I smiled at him and said it will be ok. He said I don�t think so. Your blood tests are abnormal and your doctor has admitted you. I reminded him that it will be ok. I was in so much pain the tears uncontrollably ran down my face and I welcomed the thought of the stay in the hospital. They did several things to me and the worst of all was a bone morrow biopsy. It hurt worse than the pain I was in. I was introduced to so many doctors that my head was spinning and I couldn't keep track of them all. I became very sick, as I was having a reaction to the morphine the doctor put me on. I was finally released after January 7th, 2008. I was told to meet a doctor in his office on January 17th, 2008.
It was cold and we were supposed to get a storm, on Thursday the 17th of January 2008. I was ready for anything. I entered the doctor�s office and everyone met me with a smile and asked me what they could do for me. I told them my name and they all looked like they were at a funeral and I was the guest of honor. I was shown to a room and was questioned by the nurse and waited for the doctor. When he entered the room he smiled and said I had leukemia. I told him good give me a pill and I will be on my way. He said it is not that simple because I had Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (A.L.L.). He said blasts in my blood were 55% immature (I was told in private that my count was actually 95%, they didn't want to worry my family). I had made up my mind right then and there to let God take control of my life and look forward to what was going to happen. Well, we made an appointment for me to enter St. Luke�s Hospital, in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and start chemo treatments. The doctor said they were going to hit me with chemo as hard as they could to try to save my life.
I went home and the thoughts that went through my mind was that I have to make sure my loved ones are cared for and to make sure I was right with God. It was at this point when I started to see that everything I did in my life amounted to nothing, absolutely nothing. I had nothing to leave behind, no money, no heirlooms, not even a �he was a good man� would have been left. I had to face it, I was dying alone and I lived a life of worthlessness. I had tried to gain the whole world and I was going to lose my own soul. Not the best testimony I was leaving behind. I started to think of all the lives I had touched and how many of them did I tell about Christ, maybe a hundred, if that. I had a lot of blood on my hands and I was going to have to account for all of it. I was preparing to meet Christ and hear the words depart, I never knew you. I started to cry inside and felt like my fight was lost and I had nothing to save my soul with. Everything I had done would be burnt and I would have to suffer for the rest of eternity without Jesus the lover of my soul, the King of glory, the One I once loved, I found myself wanting. I didn't think I was worth saving or worth the blood that was shed for me.
I worked till the night before I had to go to the hospital and I knew I might never leave there alive. I know how a death row inmate feels as I felt I was going to my death and there was nothing I could do about it. I was not in control, in fact, I was never in control. I was useless and was realizing that, every second that ticked by as I waited for death to come and take me to the judgment.
There was a two day winter storm that began the night before I checked into the hospital and the drive was slow. I arrived at the hospital and checked in. I was taken to a room on the eighth floor, unpacked my stuff and lay down on the bed. I heard the doctor outside my room tell the nurses to make me comfortable because I wasn't going to make it. She said my test came back and I had 98% immature blasts in my blood now and I should not be alive. Monday the 21st of January 2008 was the day I was admitted. Chemo started Tuesday January 22nd 2008. They had to monitor me closely because they were giving me enough chemo to kill anything. I was sick instantly and my hair started falling out that afternoon. I recall I was on the phone with my mom, as she could not be with me due to the blizzard outside, when the nurse came in and said I needed to hang up the phone. I asked her why and she told me because my kidneys were shutting down. In fact, all my organs were starting to fail. I said goodbye to my mom and hung up. What happened next was the worst experience I have ever had. The verse in 2nd Chronicles Chapter 7 Verse 14 came to my mind, �If my people which are called by My name shall humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and will heal their land�. I felt my heart slowing down I looked at the nurse and she softly smiled at me. I didn't hear what she said to me and I felt my body take its last breath. I felt my heart stop beating. I had a Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) order on me so the nurses had to watch me die. I was amazed how horrible it felt and I was scared and tormented by my own thoughts as I felt myself drift into total darkness. I was sinking into Hell and I panicked, struggled to breath but I couldn�t. I tried to open my eyes but it didn't happen. I died. I knew it too and I thought to myself I am here without Christ. My own thoughts were tormenting me and I was remembering all the people I had talked to and I could see their faces. I started to panic even more and then I heard something I thought I would never hear again.
�Shawn� He said with his soft, loving voice. I felt so alone and ashamed, but started to feel comfort. �What is it you want Me to do, Shawn?� He asked. His voice was so calm and peaceful. I said �Lord, make me ready to die�. I didn't beg for my life, I didn't cry because I got what I deserved. Then He said, �No, Shawn, you will not die. You will live. You will live for Me and feed My shepherds. You will be my apostle and I will build a great ministry through you.� I then felt my lungs expand as if there was air from a power washer being forced into my nose and I opened my eyes. The nurse looked so shocked at me and said welcome back! They started to bring the equipment back into my room and quickly hooked me back up to it. I was completely healed the very second God called me out of the darkness. I had been given a taste of the sting of death. I was given a bone morrow biopsy on the Friday after my death and it came back clean. I was healed. I was and am so happy to be alive. I know that the very breath I breathe is borrowed.
My mother moved me into her home right from the hospital as I could not care for myself. I went through three years of strong, preventative chemo. I have had 21 lumbar punctures, 20 bone morrow biopsies, a lot of rough times and have chemo related health problems. I had a nerve nicked in my back and I have lost feeling in my feet and hands. I was healed from the nicked nerve in my back as well. God has a plan for me and my life, that�s for sure.
Now to address the statement, �that I have a great testimony and should share it�. No, I have a testimony of a fool that thought God owed him. A testimony of worthlessness and greed, as well as every sin ever committed. I will tell you that a great testimony is that of the person that follows God everyday of his life and forsakes all else and can�t tell you a story like mine, they are the ones that have the greatest testimony because they had the faith not to fall into the world like me and they had the sense to know that God was in control at all times. I have told you a story of stubbornness and stupidity and of the love of a great God, loving Father and True Friend. I hang my head in shame when I think of the time I have wasted on pleasing myself instead of God.
God bless you all that read this testimony. It will serve you well to remember that God is always in control and we are nothing without Him. Remember this� We are because God Is�. I have to ask you, who are greater, they that are obedient or they that have to be punished? Greater is he that does not fall into the hands of the living God.
I am an Apostle of Jesus Christ, ordained of God, and I am here only by the grace and mercy of God and the Father and by the Blood of Jesus Christ. I challenge you all to remain steadfast, unmovable, always doing the will of God. Love God with all that you have, never let Him go, hold Him close to you. We are here to be witnesses to everyone that sees or hears us. When we leave our beds in the morning till we enter our bed again at night. Always have Jesus on your lips. Make Jesus the last name you say at night and the first thing you say in the morning, praying always for the saints and sinners alike, Let us not follow others, for their mistakes will be ours; but, rather, let us follow the true living God, the everlasting Father, and always strive to be His child.
I have seen the darkness and felt the torment and have tasted death and felt its sting. I say to you it is far better to suffer loss on earth than to suffer loss after death. Love one another and look at people as God would. See them as the creation of Christ and as children of a King. Always give thanks for everything we face and never give place to the devil for he is a vicious creature looking to destroy you and your testimony. I say to you, to remember that we all will see Him come in all His glory and the heavens and earth shall shout His name and all creation will bow to Him and we shall behold Him as He is our King, our Lord, our Savior, and our Friend. We must be about our Fathers business for the time is drawing ever nearer. Bless one another and most of all bless the Lord. May we all meet at the time of His appearance and we shall joy with one another then. So come quickly Lord Jesus. Amen.
Praise God!! What a testimony! I have experienced His Grace and Mercy, time and time again. He has been my Rock that I could stand on when I felt everything was crumbling around me. He has been my best friend when I have felt so alone and rejected.
He is Emmanuel - God with us. He said He would never leave nor forsake us. He is true to His Word! And He is Faithful! Keep yours fixed on Him. He is the lifter of our heads! Thank You Jesus!!!
He is our God!! :bow:
God bless you Shawn..what an inspiring testimony!!!
Whether you are svec13, svec14 or Shawn, your banishment from this site is prayerfully not a reflection on your "testimony", seeing the heartfelt responses received here!
Who you really serve will ultimately be between you and The Lord! May ALL those who are followers of Christ, be discerning and aware of who and what we believe by the power of The Holy Spirit! Be blessed.
when we managed to succeed in getting the other in trouble, which usually resulted in the rest of us getting in trouble too. My dad was gone most of my life. My parents divorced when I was young. My mom raised us and what a job that was.