Hey all, so I was just wondering, i read somewhere that whole falling in love concept is a load of rubbish and that Christians can actually make a marriage work by choosing to love someone, rather than meeting the one. What's the deal please?
Well there is the problem that being in love is a fleeting feeling but LOVING is a verb, it's work and it's difficult and sometimes painful. It's also very much a choice, divorce is the result of people choosing not to love because it becomes too difficult or painful. Once you marry there is no going back without the living death that is that divorce... I have never seen a happy divorcee.
The "one" isn�t someone that seems perfect, it's someone that you are willing to sacrifice everything for to FIND perfect within both yourselves... the problem with people looking to "the one" is that they want to find someone that already is a final product... we are all in a sense halves of a soul and only marriage (not just sex and living together) can meld us into that greater whole we are supposed to be. Another mistake people make is thinking that they can stay independent of the other person after marriage (even though it's both biblically and logically unsound)... EVERYTHING changes for both parties and if you do it right all the changes are for the better.
Don't try to find someone that already is as YOUR influence is supposed to make him/her, anyone that seems perfect has some say of compensating or is lying about something and this WILL cause problems after marriage somehow if you ignore it beforehand. On the other hand don't expect to find someone that attracts you, think of him/her as a project and then attempt to work miracles hahaha... that WILL backfire.
I think, we do have to find the "one," but there should be areas where we may compromise with what we want vs. what is in front of us. For example, the Bible says not to be unequally yoked. You could fall in love with anyone probably and later find out that the guy or girl is an atheist. Then you have to try to convert him or her. And if that fails, then he or she is not the right one. So, you break up. Then repeat the same pattern over and over again. You break hearts, and sometimes others break your heart. So, I think, it is much wiser to have a list of what you are really looking for, and try to find out if the person meets those criteria. If not, don't fall in love.
I have a list too. For example, my list includes political beliefs and theological positions. For example, some people are firm believers in Calvinism. Some people take that too far, and I don't think I could co-exist with someone like that, because we would be like oil and water. This theological position determines what kind of world you live in and how you see God and devil and everything around you. It's like wearing a pink glass vs wearing an orange glass. If you see the world totally differently, then you are not on the same page. You can be talking about something, and the other person can't understand you, because he or she doesn't see the world as you do. This is what it means to be unequally yoked. You are tied to someone by marriage who is so fundamentally different that you just can't understand each other. So, I think it's important to know who you are and what you are looking for.
After having a really bad experience last year, I don't want to fall in love with someone unless I know they meet each item on my list. If they don't, then I don't even think about dating them. If being on dating sites has taught me anything it is that people can look very nice, charming, innocent and beautiful, but first impressions LIE. A nice person could be a witch or a murderer or pedophile or gay or might be a Jehova's Witness or an atheist or Mormon or whatever you want to run from! Just because someone looks like a nice person does NOT mean anything, ANYTHING!!! Looks are totally deceiving. Therefore the online dating experience is much better than running into a person in real life, where all you take in is their outward appearance and charm. There are some very charming people who are like the devil. But they are masters of first impression. Online you can get to know a person a little bit faster, and you can get to the bottom of things much faster than in real life.
Regardless of who you marry, I think, sometime later eventually you will come across someone who seems better than the one you picked. This is where you have to exercise "love" and you have to choose to love the one you married instead of going on endless adventures with new people who seem better. And it is very easy to find someone who seems better, because we don't know new people. And when we don't know someone, we tend to make assumptions that are positive. We have a tendency to see new people in a good light, but we see our closest friends or relatives as they are, because we know them very well. We know their flaws and good traits. We know everything about them. But we know very little about strangers, so we think they are far better than they actually are. That's where we have to remember to Love.
Also, if you run into someone, you could play a little game. Ask yourself, "Is this person really the one I am looking for? What if, years from now, I will run into Mr Perfect or Ms Perfect? What will I do? How will I feel? Do I want to marry Mr Not-So-Perfect sooner, or should I wait a few more years to see if I run into Mr Almost-Perfect or Mr Perfect?" And that's something you have to answer yourself. I cannot tell you what to do. But I can almost guarantee you something--if you settle with Mr Not-So-Perfect, you will most likely run into Mr Perfect at a later date. It's inevitable. Can you handle that?
Silver, thank you for your input. Its really helpful advice! I didn't realise that being equally yoked was also meant between Christians. I always assumed it was just about non believers. The list i have to an extent, but for me i find its difficult in that my parents are my obstacle when it comes to this area. Therefore I always feel i have to look to please them. Its really sad at 24 i know!
Personally, this is one of the issues u have in that I have the guy I want and then the type of guy I believe God would want for me. I know i have to choose the one God wants for me, who would be good for me, but its that case of resisting my desire to choose whoever i want rather than be trusting and marry who is best for me in Gods eyes.
Well there is the problem that being in love is a fleeting feeling but LOVING is a verb, it's work and it's difficult and sometimes painful. It's also very much a choice, divorce is the result of people choosing not to love because it becomes too difficult or painful. Once you marry there is no going back without the living death that is that divorce... I have never seen a happy divorcee.
The "one" isn�t someone that seems perfect, it's someone that you are willing to sacrifice everything for to FIND perfect within both yourselves... the problem with people looking to "the one" is that they want to find someone that already is a final product... we are all in a sense halves of a soul and only marriage (not just sex and living together) can meld us into that greater whole we are supposed to be. Another mistake people make is thinking that they can stay independent of the other person after marriage (even though it's both biblically and logically unsound)... EVERYTHING changes for both parties and if you do it right all the changes are for the better.
Don't try to find someone that already is as YOUR influence is supposed to make him/her, anyone that seems perfect has some say of compensating or is lying about something and this WILL cause problems after marriage somehow if you ignore it beforehand. On the other hand don't expect to find someone that attracts you, think of him/her as a project and then attempt to work miracles hahaha... that WILL backfire.
The bible tells us that we as housewives should respect our husbands and husbands should love us. So always, either angry or happy, respect the one you chose to be your husband. Once you are in marriage be prepared to learn the truth of your partner. Note that before marriage there are so many lies. Give each other room to repent. Noone is perfect in marriage. Be ready to forgive and forget. Remember God forgives. Focus on the Lord as a couple and most of the problems on your way God will fight for you. Everyone in a marriage be it young or old, is a learner. Noone has never graduated. The world is so full of single parents. This has long negative impact on children. So in marriage each partner should work responsibly towards the relationship.
It's never like you see on tv or in the movies - relationships can be work at times and people can be stubborn creatures of habit. If two people are committed and determined to make it work, it likely will.
Can't let the blame game take charge and become the head of the relationship, and it truly should be a personal competition to step up and admit fault first or lack of anyone's fault due to misunderstanding and apologize in sincerity, etc. Relationships aren't really textbook but when most forms of control enter the picture it generally doesn't go well or end well. The bible does specify roles for both men and women, but it's super old school and generally frowned upon by modern day professionals.
I heard a sermon a long time ago, can't remember by who. Might have been Charles Stanley Sr. The message was basically that if you're thinking about marriage and all the things you can get out of it, you shouldn't be seeking marriage. If you're thinking about marriage with all the love you want to give away freely to another, you have the right idea on marriage.
Or an even shorter version of all the rambling I just did - mutual submission to each other. Not talking about submitting to alcoholism, drug use, or any form of abuse with that either. "Yes, love." should be heard often from both who have joined to be together as one. I do understand that people have bad days, they can't all be winners. That's where you go beyond the extra mile for the person you claim to love. Jesus Himself did that for all of us.
