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Hey I need some advice
Posted : 24 Mar, 2019 11:19 PM
Hey everyone! I was wondering if I could get some advice from fellow Christians & see what they think about my situation. I know I have sinned in dating a non Christian man, but I hope that you can still have compassion on me & read my story. Please forgive me, it's kind of long so I apologize.
I was dating a non Christian man for about a year. Things were great in the beginning & he respected that I was Christian. But the more I talked about God the more he didn't want to hear it. We began fighting mid way in our relationship. He lived an hour away from me & I wanted to get close to him because every time I would leave his apartment I would have to take an hour long bus ride home & then I got attached too easily too fast & a month into our relationship instead of missing him & wanting to take an hour long bus ride home we both decided that I could stay with him for awhile. So I lived with him in his apartment for about 5 months, he went to Japan for 2 weeks and I stayed in his bedroom most of the time (he shared an apartment with his sister & her two kids) & then I would always fight with him over the phone when he was in Japan about how dirty the apartment was (cat poop everywhere, poop in the toilet because it didn't flush, moldy dishes, not being able to do laundry because his sister always was doing laundry, not being able to use restroom or take a shower when I wanted to) & on top of that I have OCD which made it worse because I freak out with germs (not so bad now because I've been taking better care of myself, but it was really bad about a year ago)
And so we kept fighting all the time. Then I had to come back & live at my apartment because there was a flea infestation at his apartment. So I took my cat & came back home (my mom was watching my dog for me so I took him home with me too) So then he could only see me on Wednesdays sometimes and on the weekends because he works all week. Well we kept fighting when he came & visited me & I take full responsibility because it's all my fault. When he came & visited me I would get in fights with him because I would be freaking out about germs or making him sanitize with Purell, I would be crying because I didn't have time to do anything because he was here for only the weekend & it was hard getting shopping, cooking, doing dishes, laundry, & going to do something fun during the day like going to the park it was so overwhelming to get all this done in the 2 days he was here (I don't drive so he drove me to get grocery pick up & stuff) plus I was sleep deprived it's hard for me to sleep at night so on top of getting everything done in 2 days I would have no sleep. So when he came and visited me on the weekends I would sleep all day most weekends & he would be by himself or I would get no sleep at all & try to get things done only to have no energy & I wouldn't be very fun to be around. I feel so bad making him drive an hour here every weekend only for me to be sleeping or taking my OCD & mental illness out on him, he didn't deserve that. He kept saying that he would break up with me if I didn't change & that I needed to wake up because he loves me but he's almost done with me & he means it. Well I didn't listen to him & finally in January he broke up with me. He said he missed his family & friends, he was tired of me taking up all his time that he needed time with his family & friends, he wanted to find out why he was so crazy he wanted to go to a therapist, he didn't wanna drive for an hour here each weekend only for me to be fighting with him, he wanted to spend his weekends doing fun things that he wanted to do like play Kendama with his friends. He didn't hang out with his friends that much anymore because the weekends were for me because that's the only time I could see him (but I told him this very early on in our relationship I was worried about taking up all his time on the weekends how is he going to manage his friends plus a girlfriend & he said he would make it work) & I told him to go hang out with his friends & play Kendama, he said that I didnt really mean it when I said that so he didn't go hang out with them. A few times he went to Kendama jams with his friends though, I cheered him on & said that's great I'm glad he had a good time. I asked if we didn't fight each weekend would you still miss your friends and want to give them time on the weekends? He said yes & I even said that he should give his friends time he could see me one weekend & his friends on the next weekend he could see me two weekends a month & he said no he wanted to spend his time with me. He went from saying he would rather spend time with me, to saying he missed his friends & family & need to spend time with them, that I was taking up all of his time.
Well when he broke up with me, before that he said we could go on a 2 week break. Then it changed to "I only told you that because I didn't want to hurt you, I was never going to go on a break with you" so he was never going to go on a break with me he was only going to break up with me. He admitted to leading me on & apologized for it. I acted out in my flesh out of desperation because I still wanted him in my life, so I asked if he wanted to be friends with benefits with me once a month, he said he was still attracted to me & he agreed. The last time I saw him was on January 19 when he brought down my birth control he wanted to be intimate with me & we were kissing but I said I couldn't because it was that time of the month so we never had sexual relations that night. I was crying the whole night & the next day. He kept telling me to calm down. He said he would come see me in a month and to be strong. He said he still loves me & gave me a kiss goodbye. The same night he texted me Goodnight girl with a heart. Four days later I didn't hear anything from him I messaged him & he said sorry he's been busy with his family. Then I message him in Febuary asking when will he come & see me again he said he didn't know & that he could talk to me in a few weeks or more than a few weeks but he will talk to me when he's ready. Then a month later he hasn't said anything & I grew impatient, so I message him on Facebook & told him I got him some gifts for Valentines day & told him not to worry because I bought my other friend & family Valentine's day gifts too so I only wanted to give him his gifts as a friend, I sent him pictures of the gifts I got him but he didn't respond. I messaged him on Instagram asking where he was? He finally responded back saying "It's over." We got into a conversation but he basically said that the friends with benefits is over that sex would just end up hurting us both. He told me that if I want to be his friend then to give him space & time to heal & time to move on from me. I ask how long will that take & he said he didn't know, but a month is not enough time for us to be healed, he said I was not over him yet & he told me to move on. I brought up dating another guy, even though a month prior to that he said "Don't do that.... let's just give our friends with benefits arrangement a chance to work first" even after saying that, I brought up dating & now he says "I tried. I'm sorry." He doesn't care now if I date other people, he didn't even give our friends with benefits a chance. He said he still wanted me in his life & he still wants to be friends with me but he doesn't know when, that he needs time to heal. He also said he was crying when we were fighting about this, & I said why cry? you don't love me anymore you have ovbiously moved on from me. He said he was crying because he felt bad for doing this to me, he said he was crying because at the end of the day he will be okay but that I won't be okay.
I know I really messed up & I'm the reason why he broke up with me, but if he truly loved and cared about me, wouldn't he have given us a 3 month break so that I could take better care of myself & change, instead of breaking up with me forever? Wouldn't he care if I were to date another guy? He doesn't care if I get another boyfriend like at all. It's like all his feelings for me are gone. Do you think there's a chance that we can get back together? He said he will always love me but he can't be what I want in a boyfriend. His emotions change like the wind, he says one thing & then says another, so that's why I was thinking that maybe it's not set in stone, maybe after he's had a lot of time away from me he will want to reach out & atleast be my friend? He said he couldn't come down anymore because it will hurt him to continue a friends with benefits arrangment with me. But is it possible for a guy to be friends with his ex or will he always have feelings for me?
Do you think after he heals from me that he will be friends with me again or is that something that guys say to make girls feel better? He is friends with one of his ex girlfriends, so why wouldn't he be friends with me in the future? Do you think it would be okay to try & reach out to him in 6-7 months? We got in a fight about how he broke his promises & he said that I broke my promises too & he said he didn't wanna block me but he will if I didn't give him time & space, I told him he might as well block me that he didn't love me anymore, & so he blocked me on facebook & instagram. He didn't reply to my text messages either. I haven't seen him in over 2 months.
Even though he wasn't a Christian like me, I miss him like crazy. Even though he was an Athiest, he was not like the other jerks I dated who were abusive to me. He was kind, sweet, & a gentleman to me, we had a lot of fun together & he made me laugh & smile. He even told his friends how much we have in common & that I was an awesome girl. All that has changed now. Now he doesn't want anything to do with me. It makes me cry how he doesn't love me anymore. He said one time that he was sad that I didn't love him anymore, but now I am sad that he doesn't love me anymore, he was the one who ended it. He went from saying I was the nicest girl he's ever met, to saying I was evil & calling me names. I'm so heartbroken. Why can't he think of the good times that we had like how we laughed & played Kendama & we were kind & sweet to one another & we went for drives to the snowy mountains & we went to the movies & how he held my hand when we were together & hugged me & how we went to look at the Christmas lights, why can't he remember all of the good times instead of the not so good times? He said he wasn't happy a lot he threatened suicide a lot when we were fighting. He always thought he was fat & ugly. I would tell him he was handsome all the time I was his biggest cheerleader I tried to make him feel better about himself. I truly believe that we loved eachother we sent eachother cute texts all the time, we would hug & kiss & say how much we missed eachother, it wasn't all just fighting. But all he can think about is the fighting he won't think about the good memories we've had =(
I've done everything I can. I've emailed him & gave him a heartfelt apology. I told him I was sorry about everything, I took ownership of how it was my fault the relationship ended & that I was so sorry & I should of treated him with more respect. I told him I was bettering my life & getting my OCD under control, that I was getting closer to God & going back to church, that I was exercising everyday, I told him I was sorry for starting fights with him, I told him that I was sorry for depending on him for everything & for depending on him for my happiness that it was too overwhelming for him, I told him I wish I had another chance to make it right because I'm different now I've really been trying to find happiness & be a better person, I told him I know that he probably won't get back together with me but when he is ready can he give me a chance to be his friend? I said I know that if we were to hang out as friends I would not cause any fights with him at all that I would be in a good mood & we could go hang out at the park for awhile & then he could go home after that, I have learned my lesson in not starting fights because it led to him breaking up with me, so I would be on my best behavior if we were to hang out as friends. I said I still want him in my life even if we are just friends, I can't imagine never seeing him ever again. It brings me to tears. How can someone who loved me, who I thought I would marry, do this to me? He saw me cry, he saw me have panic attacks, but he still broke my heart. I understand that he was tired of me saying "I'll change" & then I ended up yelling at him or sleeping all day, I understand that it's my fault he left. But he also said that even if we didn't fight or anything every weekend, he would still miss hanging out with his friends & that could of caused a break up too, he said he needs to be around his family & friends again. The last things he said to me was that we can be friends someday but not right now, that he doesn't know when we can be friends but he needed time to heal from me & he told me to move on. There's no way I can talk to him because he blocked me on facebook & instagram. What do I do now? All I can do is wait, he won't talk to me or email me back.... my heart is broken. I know that if a man wants to talk to you, he will. If a man wants to be with you, he will. If a man wants to make things work, he will. That you shouldn't have to beg a man because he will chase after your own heart if he wanted to. But it's so tormenting because I love him, if I didn't love him I wouldn't care if he broke up with me I wouldn't care about talking to him again. But he is all I ever think about, I beg God all the time for him to talk to me, I just wanna be his friend, it doesn't even have to be a sexual relationship, I just wanna spend time with him. I'm afraid that I'll never get the chance to make it right again because I messed up.
Please if you can give me any advice I would really appreciate it, I'm so sad. I don't want to live the rest of my life without him...
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I feel ya-but a dating site is not the place for ALL this . You are analyzing every smidget of your history over and over going crazy . He is telling you straight up He is no good and He is done . A guy doesn’t cut ties w/a Woman he ultimately wants a relationship with. And it wasn’t a relationship in the sight of God that would be nurtured and grown. So as much as it is a struggle for you in every way-you need to move on .Good gosh ! Where’s your dignity Woman ?