As accordance with scriptures pertaining to marital relationships and especially in Ephesians 5, the man is the head of the household, ordained and appointed by God. Thus, it is the man's responsibility and duty to set the tone and path to make sure HE satisfies the needs of his wife... and the wife is to respond in kind toward him, and they both are then sbumitted one to another and sexually satisified. Therefore, why is it that MOST ALL men think and feel that it the WOMAN'S duty and responsibility to satisfy him sexually, and that sex is ONLY for the satifying of the man without concerns of the woman..., and that he ALONE is to be satistifed... when God has created this beautful romantic intimate connection for the pleasure of BOTH the man and the woman to enjoy and please each other?
I Corinthians 7:1 Now for the matters you wrote about: �It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.�
2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.
3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.
5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Proverbs 5:15 Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers.May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
19. A loving doe, a graceful deer� may herbreasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love. Why, my son, be intoxicated with another man�s wife? Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman?
21 For your ways are in full view of the LORD, and he examines all your paths. The evil deeds of the wicked ensnare them; the cords of their sins hold them fast. For lack of discipline they will die, led astray by their own great folly.
There is a book in circulation entitled What Men Know About Women. Its pages are all blank! We have often heard some frustrated male sigh, �I�ll never be able to understand women.� Yet the Apostle Peter said, �Ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge.� This is a most amazing paradox. God tells men to dwell with their wives according to knowledge�an understanding of their basic nature and needs�but most men know very little about the makeup and mechanism of the female of the species. Could this be one of the reasons why so many marriages are floundering?
If God says that men are to live with their wives according to knowledge, then obviously they can know something about them, popular opinion notwithstanding! The first thing they need to know is stated in the very verse we have just quoted: �Giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel.� The woman is the weaker vessel. That doesn�t mean she is mentally, morally, or spiritually inferior, but simply that she is physically weaker. She may be less susceptible to disease and may even have a longer life span than the man, but the fact remains that she is not as large or as strong physically. God made her that way with the intent that the weaker would depend on the stronger.
Because the wife is physically weaker, she depends on her husband for provision and protection. His task is to provide food, clothing, shelter, and defense, while she is especially adapted by God to bear children and to provide them with the warm affection and tender care which they need. However, the very equipment which God gave her to assume that role is likewise the cause of a second area of weakness�her emotions. A woman must sometimes struggle with sudden and unexplainable changes in mood. These are chemically precipitated by hormones which form part of her reproductive capacity. This emotional vulnerability makes her especially dependent on the man God gives her. It seems to be the underlying idea in God�s words to Eve: �You shall welcome your husband�s affections.� She looks to him with an inner yearning to meet her basic needs. She was made for him, and so her life centers in him. God wants us husbands to �dwell with them according to knowledge,� then and act on the basis of that knowledge, �giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel.� The God who created these tremendous emotional needs in women intends that husbands should meet them.
Some of you are asking, �What about women who have no husbands? Who will meet their needs?� God will bestow the gift of celibacy on those women whom he intends to remain single. Furthermore, a woman�s needs can be met by the Lord himself. In fact, every Christian woman, married or single, needs to maintain a close personal relationship with Christ. However, this does not excuse a husband from his responsibilities to his wife. God�s normal way of supplying a married woman with the security and satisfaction for which she yearns is through her husband.
How does the husband do it? How can any man satisfy a woman�s basic needs? This may sound like a gross oversimplification, but one little four-letter word is actually the complete answer to this entire complex problem. The husband�s primary responsibility in a Christian marriage is to love his wife. �Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it.� �Husbands should [love] their wives � as part of themselves.� �A man must love his wife as a part of himself.� �You husbands must be loving and kind to your wives, and not bitter against them.� All of these verses require agape, that highest level of love that keeps on giving even when it gets nothing in return and seeks only good for the one loved regardless of the personal cost or sacrifice.
This gives an entirely new meaning to the misunderstood doctrine of male headship. Headship is not some masculine doctrine cleverly designed to bolster the husband�s sagging ego. Headship involves the husband�s solemn obligation to establish an atmosphere of love in which the basic needs of his wife are fulfilled�an environment in which she is free to grow and develop into all that God wants her to be. Her submission will then be the voluntary response to his loving leadership.
The key word here is response. The woman is a responder. This is the obvious role of someone who depends on another person. Flowers depend on sunshine and rain; when they get it, they respond by blossoming into gorgeous beauty. This is how God made a woman too. She responds to what she receives. If she receives irritability, criticism, disapproval, unkindness, indifference, lack of appreciation, or lack of affection, she will respond with a defense mechanism, such as bitterness, coolness, defiance, or nagging. Some women turn to drinking or submerge themselves in social activities.
But if the woman receives love she will respond with love, and will blossom into the most beautiful creature under God�s heaven. When a man claims that his wife doesn�t love him anymore he is unwittingly admitting that he hasn�t loved her as he should have. If he had, she would most likely have responded with love in return. A man gets from his wife what he invests in her. He cannot force her to love him, but he can show love to her and enjoy her loving response. Thus the responsibility for a successful marriage rests initially with the husband. He makes the first move�that of loving his wife with the totally unselfish love of Jesus Christ.
�If she�d only quit nagging, I could love her more.� If that�s what you�ve been telling yourself, then you have it backwards! The husband must take the initiative. Love is a mental attitude which is received by an act of the human will from the source of all love, God Himself. It does not depend on the worth or the actions of its object, but simply on the ceaseless love of a changeless Lord. A wife may be sweet or sour; the house may be clean or cluttered; supper may be tasty or terrible; but none of these should affect a husband�s love. He is to love his wife �as Christ loved the church.� We know all too well that Christ�s love for the church wasn�t prompted by anything wonderful He saw in us, but instead by his own intrinsic nature of love. Now He makes this same love available to every Christian husband who wants to make his marriage work.
�Husbands, love your wives as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.� Calvary, where Christ scarifically gave Himself, was the greatest demonstration of love in all of human history. Sacrificial self-giving is the very essence of love. Now God asks of every Christian husband the same self-giving love. That�s important to remember�love gives. It will involve giving the material things a wife needs as finances permit, and perhaps even a little gift now and then that says, �I really care. I think about you when we�re apart.� It doesn�t have to cost much money, but it does reassure a wife of her husband�s love.
Love will also involve helping. Sometimes a husband develops the strange notion that his home is a castle and he is the king. His wife�s task is to provide for his comfort and to protect him from all unpleasant circumstances. He rises majestically from dinner, sinks gloriously into his overstuffed chair, and entertains himself with the newspaper and television while his wife cleans up the kitchen, straightens up the house, helps the children with their homework, and puts them to bed. Any encroachment on his lordship�s time is met with howls of protest. Most wives work hard, maybe even harder than their husbands, and no husband ought to be above helping with the housework and the children. If the wife is really the weaker vessel, then wiping the dishes, sweeping the floor, supervising the children, cleaning the windows, or dozens of other little helpful acts are just other ways of saying, �I love you.�
Self-sacrificing love will involve the giving of time. Some husbands are too busy to run an errand, fix a gadget, or devote an evening to their wives alone. They are saying in subtle little ways, �You�re really not worth very much personal sacrifice,� and this is like spraying weed killer on a beautiful flower. But when the wife begins to wilt and reflect the same attitude toward her husband, he is usually quick to complain about it. Problems like this will be solved when the husband begins to show the love of Christ.
Love may involve giving up things. Often a husband has interests or hobbies in which his wife finds no pleasure. Usually compromises can be made: she may develop special interests of her own, he may restrict his activities somewhat, or they may plan other special activities together. But if all reasonable attempts to solve the conflict fail, then God intends for the wife to know that she holds the most important place in her husband�s life, that next to the Lord Himself she is above everything and everyone. That does not give a wife the right to demand that her husband give up something to �prove his love,� but it does lay upon every Christian husband the need for assuring his wife that he loves her above all else.
Christ-like love will involve reassurance and encouragement. Some men refuse to tell their wives that they love them. �I told her that when I married her, and she knows it�s true.� Yes, but a woman requires reassurance. Her whole life is wrapped up in the security of her husband�s love, and the Lord wants her to be assured of it in every possible way. She needs to know that he cares�that he appreciates the things she does to please him, like maintaining his home and cooking his meals. She needs to know that he comes home because she is there�not just for meals and a bed!
One of the most prevalent complaints of wives is that their husbands take them for granted, treating them as if they were maids. Here is what one woman said she needed most from her husband: �I need to feel needed, that what I am doing for him and for our children is important to him. Then, I want to be appreciated for the things I do.� Most wives try hard to please, and they need to know that their husbands approve of their efforts and appreciate them.
Of all the things God wants a husband to give his wife, none is more important than what Christ gave�His own personal being. �Oh, I�d die to protect my wife,� some would protest. Giving ourselves may not demand dying for our wives, but it certainly demands living for them, and that is the very thing many husbands are unwilling to do. They exclude their wives from their lives. They think working hard and providing an abundance of material things will make their wives happy. And while they are at work getting rich, their wives are at home with aching hearts, yearning to share their husbands� lives as God intended them to do, yearning for the appreciation, approval, attention, and affection which God intended them to have, yearning for the sympathetic understanding their God-given natures demand.
One woman wrote, �My husband needs to let me know that he is aware of my problems and understands them. I need to feel that we are working together toward a common goal.� The one word that occurs most frequently when wives are discussing what they need from their husbands is understanding. No amount of material things can take the place of a husband who listens to his wife with undivided attention when she unfolds her heart, who tries to understand even her most complicated moods, and who lets her know that he loves her even during her most illogical and unreasonable moments.
That costs something; in fact, it costs everything. It demands total self-sacrifice. That is exactly what it cost Christ when His love led him to Calvary. If you are not willing to pay that cost, then you made a dreadful mistake when you promised a woman you would love her until death. God says she is part of you. You are one flesh.84 She needs to be treated with the same loving care and concern with which you treat your own body. �So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church.� The word nourish means to supply the food and clothing which the body needs. The word cherish literally means to keep warm, but also includes the idea of tender, loving care, the kind of care a trained nurse would give to her own children. Some men are like little boys; they want their wives to feed them when they are hungry and soothe them when they are hurt, just as their mothers did. Biblically, that comes closer to the role of the husband toward his wife than the role of the wife toward her husband.
Most men take pretty good care of their own bodies. They get plenty of food, proper rest, adequate clothing, a break from the monotonous routine, some enjoyable relaxation, some time to themselves, and a certain amount of personal satisfaction in life. But are they as interested in seeing that their wives get the same? They should be, according to the Word of God, because their wives are part of them. A man�s care for his wife is, in effect, care for himself too, since both their lives are one.
That is exactly what Peter said in the verse with which we started this chapter: �You husbands must be careful of your wives, being thoughtful of their needs and honoring them as the weaker sex. Remember that you and your wife are partners in receiving God�s blessings, and if you don�t treat her as you should, your prayers will not get ready answers.� When a man takes a woman to be his wife he makes her part of himself; he cannot afford to shut her out of his life. When he refuses to obey God�s Word in this regard, a spirit of bitterness and resentment creeps into the marriage, spiritual power vanishes and an effective prayer life is hindered. Much of the spiritual impotence of believers can be traced to this very matter. It�s time for us to obey God�s Word again!
On one occasion a Christian husband told me some of his wife�s problems�a general discontentment, a proneness to pick and gripe at little things, and a constant irritability and unreasonableness. He had tried to improve himself in some areas in order to make her happy, but it was never enough. One day he blurted out, �That woman will find something wrong with heaven!�
We discussed her immaturity and insecurity, much of which seemed to stem from her family background. But one day I suggested that all of her problems might not be traceable to her parents. Maybe some of them grew out of her God-given need to be reassured of his love. I asked him to do everything he could to make her feel more secure in his love. He accepted my challenge and with God�s help began to make some changes.
He started to show his wife more affection, taking her in his arms as they passed in the house and telling her he loved her, even though it was not his natural inclination to be that demonstrative. He spent time with her away from the children, listening to her talk and making sympathetic comments. (He found that the best time to talk was while she was cleaning up the kitchen�the kids were nowhere to be found at that particular time!) He pitched in and helped while they talked. When she had had a bad day and got upset about some silly little thing that didn�t please her, he asked God to keep him calm and help him assure her of his love at that very moment, instead of angrily defending himself and sulking, as he once had done. The transformation that gradually came over her was amazing. Their marriage isn�t perfect as of this writing, but a woman who missed something very important in her childhood years is beginning to find in her husband the love that God intended her to have, and in that atmosphere of love she is growing into the beautiful person God planned for her to be.
Let me add just a brief word to wives. Let the indwelling Spirit of God motivate your husband in these matters. Don�t try to do God�s work for him. If you try to remake your husband yourself, the results will be far less than you hope for. It is not even your place to remind him of his responsibility. Instead, commit him to the Lord, pray for him, and be what God wants you to be.
Much to the surprise of some Christians, sex was God�s idea! �Male and female created he them� And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good � Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh.� God created men and women with physical differences that complement each other, and He pronounced it good. He indicated that a husband and a wife should adhere to each other and become �one flesh,� a reference primarily to their sexual union. Sex is part of God�s plan for the human race.
God made the sexual union of husband and wife to be both pure and pleasurable; both sacred and satisfying. The writer to the Hebrews reveals its sanctity by declaring the marriage bed to be undefiled. Other passages, such as the one in Proverbs, indicate its sheer joy: �Let your manhood be a blessing; rejoice in the wife of your youth. Let her charms and tender embrace satisfy you. Let her love alone fill you with delight.� While some wonderful spiritual applications can be made from the Song of Solomon, it can hardly be denied that the Book refers to the sexual experiences of a husband and wife. In utter delight and appreciation, the bridegroom affectionately exclaims to his bride, �How fair is thy love!�
Unfortunately, the sex life of many Christian couples is anything but beautiful. It is instead the source of deep dissatisfaction and repeated disagreements. During their courtship days the couple eagerly anticipated marriage, thinking it would relieve their sexual frustrations and result in instant paradise. The honeymoon shattered the illusion. The first week�s crises were followed by many more as the years passed. Finally they concluded that good sexual adjustment does not come naturally�that it takes time and effort and a great deal of unselfishness.
So widespread are the problems of sexual adjustment in marriage that many family counselors rank it as a principal cause for marital discord. God says sex is good. Many people say it is a problem in their marriage. Why the difference of opinion? Why do Christian couples have such problems in their sex relationship?
One pitfall is the practice of sex before or outside marriage. Almost all good things can be misused. Food is good, but too much of it or the wrong kind can bring discomfort or disease. Fire is useful, but when it is misused it brings destruction and death. God says that sex within the bonds of marriage is beautiful and blessed, but outside these limits it is dirty, ugly, and sinful. Premarital or extramarital sexual experiences can be a mammoth hindrance to a satisfactory sex life in marriage.
We live in a day of growing permissiveness. While animal-like promiscuity is universally rejected by almost all professing Christians, premarital permissiveness is becoming increasingly tolerated. The idea seems to be that if two people truly love each other, there is no reason why they should not enjoy the full expression of their love right now. The only satisfactory answer I can find lies in the couple�s personal relationship with their Lord. If they think anything of him at all, they will certainly want to listen to what He says, and He has said a great deal about this subject in both the Old and New Testaments.
The Apostle Paul writes, �For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye abstain from fornication.� The word �fornication� refers to all sexual intercourse outside the bonds of marriage, whether premarital or extramarital. No matter how deeply a man and a woman may feel for each other, God says that it is His will for them to abstain from illicit sexual intercourse. If He commands them to abstain, He will give them the grace to obey.
The Apostle goes on to amplify this concept: �That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in the matter.� Fornication defrauds other people; it robs them of their rightful affections. It also robs them of their virginity, which should be presented to their future spouse. It likewise robs them of their self-respect�the precious possession of a clear conscience. Even if the thought of robbery does not prevent you from indulging, read on: �� because the Lord is the avenger of all such.� He can avenge your self-willed disobedience in various ways�venereal disease, unwanted pregnancy, guilt feelings, or lurking suspicion. Some will say, �But medical science and progressive attitudes are eliminating these dangers.� None of these prevent God from rendering just vengeance; He is greater than antibiotics, contraceptives, or current community attitudes. If you are now dating, God wants you to map out a carefully planned strategy that will allow you to enjoy each other�s company and get to know each other well without indulging in sexually stimulating activities.
Maybe some are saying, �We�re married now, but the scars of past guilt and the seeds of past suspicion are sabotaging our sex lives. What can we do?� Each party can acknowledge the wrong he has committed against the other, asking forgiveness for his own part of the blame. Each can confess his sin to God. He is a merciful Father, ready to forgive. The sweet assurance of forgiveness from both your mate and your Lord will help you make a new beginning in this most important area of your life.
A second obstacle to a satisfying sex life seems to be improper attitudes toward sex. Some Christians think sex is dirty and sinful, a necessary act for the perpetuation of the race but certainly not a legitimate enjoyment. They hesitate to mention the subject and become embarrassed by reading even sanctified literature on the subject. They forget that the greatest Book of all, the Word of God, has much to say about sex! If God thinks sex is important enough to discuss, we ought to examine what He says. Paul, inspired by the Holy Spirit, advised the Christians at Corinth about sex, and God saw fit to preserve it in His Word. He knew that we would probably need the same advice.
�Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.�157 The purpose of sex is not merely for procreation, but to satisfy a biological need that we would be tempted to satisfy sinfully were it not for marriage. Paul recognizes that this drive is present in both men and women. A woman should have a husband in order to help her avoid fornication, just as a man should have a wife to help him avoid fornication. Even though some people have thought otherwise, it is normal and wholesome for a wife to have sexual desires, just as it is for her husband. While a woman�s desires are usually less intense than a man�s, it is interesting to note that God has placed an organ in the female body, the clitoris, which serves no function except to provide a pleasurable sensation. He must have wanted her to enjoy physical relations with her husband!
One purpose for sex, then, is to satisfy a legitimate physical desire. This appetite must sometimes be subjugated or sublimated with physical energies redirected and released in other ways, as in the case of an unmarried person or a sickly spouse. Unlike the requirement for food, sexual needs can be sublimated by properly chosen substitute activities. By God�s grace single people can live a well balanced life without indulging in sin. However, God�s normal plan is for couples to marry and to fully satisfy each others sexual needs.
The passage goes on to state, �The man should give his wife all that is her right as a married woman, and the wife should do the same for her husband.� Here we are clearly told that a husband and a wife are responsible to meet each other�s sexual needs. But this is far more than a burdensome obligation; for a man and a woman deeply in love with each other it is a joyous and delightful privilege. God has constructed their bodies is such a way that the mutual fulfilling of sexual needs becomes the ultimate expression of self-giving love, bringing exquisite enjoyment to both husband and wife.
Sex as God planned it is not simply the expression of an urge or the satisfaction of a need. It is the giving of our bodies to express the deepest feelings of love that lie within us, and it results in the rapturous enjoyment of the one we love. God says that my body belongs to my wife for her gratification and pleasure, and that her body belongs to me for my satisfaction and delight. While modesty is the rule in public, the total enjoyment of each other�s bodies is a wholesome, God-ordained privilege behind closed bedroom doors.
Paul teaches in First Corinthians 7:3 and 4 that husbands and wives share equal privileges in the ownership of each other�s bodies. It is not sinful for a husband to desire his wife�s body. A Spirit-filled husband in love with his wife will admire, fondle, kiss, and caress his wife�s body as an expression of his love for her, thereby meeting her needs as well as his own. A Spirit-filled wife in love with her husband will thrill him immensely by letting him know she desires his body and enjoys meeting his needs. Even a casual reading of the Song of Solomon will show that the wife�s body delighted her husband and the husband�s body brought pleasure to his wife. Nowhere does the Bible limit the variety of ways in which a husband and wife may bring physical pleasure to each other through their bodies, assuming that each finds it mutually pleasurable and neither finds it objectionable. The only limitation is love, which will cause us to place the feelings of our mates above our own desires.
There is still another thought in Paul�s advice to the Corinthians regarding sex. �Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.� Some Christians seem to have the notion that it is highly spiritual to abstain from sexual intercourse, that Spirit-filled believers are just not very interested in this kind of thing. Sometimes wives will deny their husbands sexual rights because of their own unbiblical attitudes toward sex, or as an attempt to retaliate for some injustice, or possibly even because they consider themselves too spiritual. But God regards this as theft�the deprivation of a legitimate enjoyment. Instead of being spiritual, the refusal to provide intercourse is disobedience to God.
There will probably be abstinence during the wife�s menstrual period. There will be periods of time when, by mutual consent, a couple will abstain in order to give themselves uninterruptedly to prayer over some pressing issue. There may be times when one simply does not feel like having relations. The other will not force the matter but will in unselfish love graciously refrain for the good of the one loved. But they will soon resume their normal relations with whatever frequency they have found to be mutually satisfying, lest Satan tempt them to an illicit affair.
We have mentioned Spirit-filled believers. Rather than hindering a satisfying sex life, the filling of the Spirit will enhance it. When the Lord Jesus Christ is in complete control of our lives we will be supremely unselfish, and unselfishness is the key to a successful sex life. Unselfishness causes one to recognize the inherent differences between men and women sexually, then to treat one�s mate accordingly. For example, it is common knowledge that the sight of a woman�s body can bring a man to readiness for sexual relations.
Women, on the other hand, generally respond much more slowly, and to long and tender caresses. A wife will not be disturbed at her husband for his more frequent advances, nor will a husband be upset with his wife for her apparent disinterest. She will try to respond to him graciously; he will patiently take the time to meet her needs. Both will realize that there will be some occasions when her only desire is to bring him satisfaction.
Letting the Holy Spirit control our lives will help in other ways as well. The most successful sexual experiences grow out of warm and precious fellowship enjoyed hours and days before sexual union. The Holy Spirit is the One who can help us develop this warm and loving personal intimacy. The self-giving love which He produces in the lives of both husband and wife will draw them to each other sexually, so that they can experience ultimate expression and complete fulfillment of their love. He gives us the desire to interact with each other graciously all through the day, rather than regarding each other merely as playthings to be enjoyed selfishly at bedtime. Sex that grows naturally out of this kind of warm and loving relationship is sex at its best. Spirit-inspired love can adequately meet and successfully solve almost any problem in a couple�s sex life.
This chapter was obviously not intended to provide a detailed description of sexual techniques. It was simply intended to help establish proper attitudes toward sex by examining what God has to say about the subject. These proper attitudes are necessary before we can even begin to use any sex techniques successfully.
If we have learned anything at all from the Scriptures, it has been that sex in marriage is not shameful, but holy. The Bible deals with it frankly and openly, and so should we. The best way to resolve problems in this area is to keep the lines of communication open. Husbands and wives need to tell each other kindly but candidly what they enjoy, what brings them greatest pleasure, and how they feel their sex lives can be improved. Discussing the subject calmly and prayerfully with each other will melt down the obstacles and make sex the beautiful experience God intended it to be.
Richard L. Strauss, was a 1954 graduate of Wheaton College, and received his Th.M. (1958) and Th.D. (1962) degrees from Dallas Theological Seminary. Richard authored nine books, and served as pastor of churches in Fort Worth, TX, Huntsville, AL. He was pastor of Emmanuel Faith Community Church in Escondido, CA from 1972 to 1993 when the Lord called him home.
Sex. A lot of Christians are talking about it... and some are talking about talking about it.
I do get that part of this is a way to engage culture and answer questions people are asking. As John Ortberg jokes, to draw a lot of people, you should teach on three subjects: sex, the end times, and will there be sex in the end times?
American churches are competing for attention through television, twitter, media, talking heads, talk show hosts, and any other medium they can use. Strategies are developed for their message to be heard over the noise of culture. Sex, indeed, seems to get people's attention-- and many use it for that purpose in the church-- yet, it is also an important issue in need of biblical clarity and discernment, not just attention and discussion. Yes, people want to talk about sex, but how do we do it in a way that glorifies Christ?
In Texas this week, pastor Ed Young of Fellowship Church is taking the conversation to a 'hole 'nutha level. Young and his wife, Lisa, will spend 24 hours hosting an event described as a "bed-in" according to an article by the Christian Post. Young is releasing a book today entitled Sexperiment and to promote the book and his upcoming sermon series he and his wife will answer questions online-- in bed.
On the book's website Young says: What would happen if we committed to doing our lives and marriages God's way? We feel so passionately about it we will be hosting a Bed-In on the roof of Fellowship Church to promote it!
For 24 hours straight, we'll be joined by some very special guests for bed side interviews, skype with pastors and friends from around the world, and talk about the tantalizing truths about sex as God intended.
Join us here at thesexperiment.com as we bring the bed back in the church and put the church back in the bed!
I am not quite sure what a "bed-in" is exactly (the term has historically been connected with war protests), but I can only assume that is part of the strategy.
Another well-known pastor, Mark Driscoll, has recently published a book on the marriage and sex entitled Real Marriage. While the book apparently leaves no bedsheet unturned, it has received both commendation and criticism from reviewers.
I have yet to read either book, but the issues they address are important. The controversy surrounding these books leads me to ask, "How should we, the church-- and church leaders in particular-- speak about sex?" I'd like to encourage us to do so in five ways.
First, we need to move beyond discomfort on the subject. Everyone is talking about sex-- except people in most churches. Now I realize there are exceptions. A few are talking about it too much and in salacious ways, but most are saying nothing. The vast majority of Christian newlyweds have likely never had their questions about sex answered, nor found a healthy context in which to ask them. The more reluctant we are to engage the issue, the more likely our people's understanding of sex will be shaped by society rather than Scripture. When was the last time someone talked about the issue in your church? It has probably been a while.
Second, we need to answer the critical questions people are asking. Today, that means answering some questions people were not asking in previous generations. Most men and women today have been exposed to a level of sexual knowledge, practices, and (yes) acts that other generations were not. Simply put, nothing is "unmentioned" and "unconsidered" anymore. It may shock you if you did not grow up with the Internet, but people have questions, and Christians need to drop their embarrassment and provide biblical answers and discerning thinking. In regard to sex, if people can't ask other Christians, they will get their answers from culture.
Third, when talking about sex, hype does not help. I have to say that some of the gimmicky sex campaigns are simply unhelpful and can many times be harmful. For example, a friend of mine did a series he called "Storybook Sex" with all the shocking ads and comments-- a series he now regrets. At the end of the day, gimmicks are not what we need-- solid biblical teaching and moral courage is. That does not mean we cannot have fun while talking about sex (thank you, God, for creating sex!), but, in talking about sex, it does mean that we need not appear silly or salacious. As such, challenging people to have sex for a week may not be the best course of action-- but teaching them to both value the wonder and participate in the joy of sex in marriage is.
Fourth, teaching on sex, or at least the same levels of teaching on sex, is not for everyone. We need to guard against children hearing things they do not need to hear, and singles being tempted to do things they do not need to do. Context matters, and we would do well to speak and write carefully when addressing various constituencies within the body of Christ concerning these issues that need our attention and biblical clarification. It should be obvious, but some practical matters will only be suitable for an adult, married audience. Other matters might be appropriate for those who are engaged or newly married. Some might be generally appropriate for all adult audiences, and then some for younger generations.
Fifth, we need to talk more, not less, about sex. Yes, the Song of Solomon is about a relationship and, yes, sex-- let's grow up and stop pretending it's only an allegory. I know this is shocking to some, but let's get honest. God is pro-sex, and I am thankful for the Song of Solomon which shows that clearly.
As Danny Akin explains: The book portrays the deep, genuine love between a man and a woman in marriage. The subject of the book is quite obviously sexual in nature. The intimacy and physical pleasure God intended for a man and a woman is tastefully and appealingly put on full display before us. (Daniel L. Akin, Song of Songs, Holman Old Testament Commentary, 135.)
We should be able to speak about sex as the Scripture does, addressing the abuses and idolatry of sex in our culture, while calling one another to live godly lives where we enjoy God's good gifts as well as the Giver of those gifts Himself. Talking more about sex should result in more biblical clarity and (yes) enjoyment. One of my favorite books that addresses this is Danny Akin's book (in addition to his commentary above), God on Sex.
How do we talk about these things? Well, there is a delicate balance between voyeurism and helpful transparency. I am not sure how to clearly define the balance, but I think it is reasonable for us to set boundaries while still engaging in healthy conversation about the details of sex, not just vague generalities. Again, most churches I know don't talk about sex, while the world mentions sex acts on family television and every third ad is for Cialis or Viagra.
Finally, there is an argument that persists which I'm not convinced of-- that evangelicals are already talking about sex. This argument is based on the existence of evangelical books on sex-- however, that fuels my point, not disproves it. These book resources exist because churches do not talk much about sex. Instead, pastors hand out a book by their favorite author and ignore the subject. Instead of answering questions, they say "read Tim LaHaye's The Act of Marriage or Ed Wheat's Intended for Pleasure." (Might I add that the graphic drawings were a bit of a surprise when I was first given that particular book.)
Books are good and necessary, but pastors ought to accompany their bibliography with a pastoral word in pre-marital counseling. Christians should be asking these questions, and we should be prepared to answer them.
So, let's begin with the idea that talking more about sex and answering people's questions are good things, and God is pro-sex. When we start there, evaluating those who have done so is much easier.
American churches are competing for attention through television, twitter, media, talking heads, talk show hosts, and any other medium they can use.
Strategies are developed for their message to be heard over the noise of culture.
Sex, indeed, seems to get people's attention--
and many use it for that purpose in the church--
yet, it is also an important issue in need of biblical clarity and discernment, not just attention and discussion. Yes, people want to talk about sex, but how do we do it in a way that glorifies Christ?
That pretty much says it all.
So where does the Scriptures say that sex should be discussed in the Word with others who are not married? Paul was specific. If you burn with passion get hitched. The marriage bed is undefiled before God. So let the couple who is intimate be intimate and reflect that intimacy they have with each other with each other and leave the discussion within them since they know what their needs are.
Who are we single men and women in Christ to bring up sexual pleasuring ourselves other than our constant struggles of gratify our flesh in confession to other believers of the same sex for strengthening and healing because we lack the will power or discipline to stay pure?
