I give contact info, but don't force the issue. Fact is, it's far easier to communicate by regular email than by having to log in to view/reply/etc. I give the option. If the other person is comfortable, ok. If not, ok as well.
I like the other systems that give you "blind" email addresses that you can email back and forth, but without giving out your personal email address. That's a lot to ask from a free site though.
I wouldn't make too much of it. If someone asks, and you're not comfortable, say so. If they don't react kindly, then you've just ruled out somebody and saved yourself some time.
'For the husband is the head of the wife....'Eph 5:23
Posted : 29 Jan, 2009 10:38 PM
I replied to a different post recently about people not contacting after viewing a profile. I don't think it's weakness - maybe they just saw something they didn't like. I have alot of women view my profile and not talk to me. First, I don't know how they even came to my profile. Maybe they saw a forum post and wanted to see if I'm local or what age I am, they clicked, see I'm far away and 10 years younger, and decided not to contact. I just don't know. When people view your profile, they are doing so to find out more information about you. Are you divorced? Do you have children? Are you willing to relocate? Do you smoke? etc, etc, etc. These are things that matter to some people, and they have to view the profile to get the info. If they don't at least wink at you, then they weren't interested and it's of no use to fret about it.
"My Post has been offical closed by me"..."About The Kissing Waiting Until The Alter...Stupid Phiolosphy By The Way"
Posted : 27 Jan, 2009 08:48 AM
Why do you pose questions if you aren't willing to listen to the responses?
If you're posting in an "Ask a Guy" forum, and a guy responds with his honest opinion, don't get upset. It seems like you're more interested in stirring up arguments than in opening up dialogue about issues.
Oh wait, you're not reading any of this. I forgot.
Thank you all for your responses. I've definitely had struggles with this, but have made a decision to not move forward with her. It's hard, because I only recently started wanting a relationship again, which I why I joined this site. The timing of just starting to look for a mate, and her coming back into my life is probably just a coincidence, but it makes me wonder.
In the end, it would be selfish of me to disrupt their relationship so I can have "what I want." She should indeed keep trying to get her husband and stepchildren to church. I'm probably going to have to cut off all contact though, even though I'd like to make sure she continues in her renewed walk. I'm afraid my rejection of what she wants might turn her back away from the church - but knowing her intentions, though, I can't trust that she'll keep it as just a friendship if I continue to attend church with her. The mere appearance of impropriety can adversely affect their relationship - and I don't want to be the cause of that. If she and her husband are going to get divorce, for whatever reason, it's not going to be on my back.
Lydia - not too harsh at all. I wanted honesty. Thanks! My brain agrees with everything you said - but my judgment was being clouded by emotion. The longer I've been away from her, however, the more clearly I've been able to think about this and how stupid it really is to even consider. I knew deep down it wasn't smart, but guess I just needed affirmation from outside parties.
I would never want to be considered a home-wrecker, and I could never trust that she'd stay in the relationship, so I'm not going to put myself in that position. I have to resist the temptation of an "easy" relationship to get into, and just keep praying for her, for her husband, and for a mate for me!
Thanks again everyone, especially for the biblical perspective that I wasn't aware of. I try to live as Godly as I can, but am not fully versed in marriage matters, so I appreciated the cited verses. :-)
One of the reasons she stated as to why she is looking to get into another relationship is that her husband and his 3 kids are not Christian, and that they have no desire to be. So they started out being unequally yoked. When we dated, we attended church regularly, and she never did so after we separated. I did take her to church today before coffee, and she enjoyed it.
Ok, I post this at a risk of alienating any women I'm talking to on this ste, but I'm really conflicted on this issue and need some independent advice.
This week my ex-finace found me online. She just got internet and found me through mySpace. We dated for three years, attended church together, got engaged, then after a two-week span where she seemingly became more distant, she stated that she wasn't sure she wanted to get married anymore. Her explanations as to "why" didn't add up, and after about two hours I got out of her that she was seeing somebody else. We split up at that point, as cheating is a deal-breaker in my book. This was in January 2000 - we were both 21 at the time, both now 30.
Nine years later, she finds me, only lives about 20 minutes from me, and we meet for coffee. In my heart I was happy, and being together was very comfortable and very familiar - like it was just yesterday. She informs me that she regrets ever leaving me, and wants to have a relationship again. If that isn't complicated enough, she is now married with two children of her own (beautiful boys ages 3 and 2) and three step-children.
First things first - I will not be "the other guy" and would never pursue a relationship with a married woman. However, would you guys consider a positive response given, by me to her, as "breaking up the marriage" since that is the only inevitable way for us to be together? Would I be a "home-wrecker" in that regard? Part of me thinks yes, part of me thinks no (that the home is wrecked already if she's looking for a way out).
Secondly, while my heart is read to jump all in, I'm trying to remove emotion from the situation and deal in reason. Can I even trust her? She burned me once, and is contemplating leaving a seven year marriage with the father of her two kids to get back into a relationship with me. Is that a pattern of her looking for greener pastures that should be telling me to run as fast as I can? Ir is it that she didn't know what she wanted at 21 (when we were engaged), and that only now she realizes the attributes she really wants in a mate were there for her 9 years ago? (Side note... perfect reason not to marry early!!)
I really don't know what to think. I have a heart telling me yes, a brain telling me no, and I'm truly lost.
Yes,yes, I know - pray about it, yadda yadda. I'm looking for something more substantive than that as a response. I am obviously praying about it, but am looking for perspectives I may not have thought about.
Am I crazy for even entertaining a though of getting back together?
Don't hold back - I am looking for genuine constructive comments - even if they are critial of me.
Not necessarily. There was something in your "About Me" that made them interested, or they wanted to look at a more photos (additional/enlarged photos not available from the search result list). When searching, only photo, age, location, your "about me" and a few other field show up. You have to view the profile if you want to see other fields that may be important to you - smoking, relocation, marital status, etc. So, just because they viewed the profile doesn't necessarily mean they were interested - they may simply have wanted to get the info that doesn't come up in the search result list so that they could decide whether they're interested or not.
Politics aside, the people who view this election as historic are fostering a racial divide.
Posted : 21 Jan, 2009 09:33 AM
Ok, so I don't recall how many people actually asked if I watched the swearing in (which I didn't), but to me it doesn't hold any historical significance.
Now, I'm not a Barack Supporter, as I don't belive his views align with my Christian values, but I'm willing to stand behind him as our President. However, I think he was voted in more because people "wanted to be a part of history" than because of his beliefs (and that's based on a LOT of Obama voters I've talked to about it). And especially amongst Christians, I found a lot of voters who didn't vote along Biblical lines, and that saddens me that people are either more concerned with being politically correct that in standing up for what they believe, or that they purport to be Christians but don't believe the lessons and teachings in the Bible.
I never doubted we could vote in a black president, woman president, whatever. But make it be about their beliefs. We should be saying congrats to Obama and working on fixing the various situations we're in - not focusing on the man-made "historical significance." Because if we do that, where does it stop? The first chinese W, the first woman X, the first gay Y, the first [insert your politically-correct, media-frenzied, minority name here] Z?
The very fact that people are denoting it as historically significant based on nothing more than a social classification is intrinsicly bigoted. If it's not about race, then subtract race from this election. Guess what, then there's nothing historical left for CNN to report on.
I do find it naive that some people think that his race - the very thing that makes it "historic" and has caused this fervor and frenzy - had absolutely nothing to do with him winning the election. It's just not possible.
All these people that are making an issue of the "first black president" are the very ones maintaining a racial divide in this country. We won't ever be united until we can see past the color, and make it of NO significance - not even historical. He should be Barack Obama, our nation's 44th President.. not Barack Obama, our nation's first black president.
Why do guys start to talk to a girl, but when they find out about their children, they run far and fast/
Posted : 20 Jan, 2009 01:14 AM
Let me preface this by saying that it's not right, but you asked what guys think. I'm only one person and voicing my personal opinion - don't know about other guys.
Whoever posted that maybe guys think it's easy being a single mom - that's absolutely untrue - where would you get that impression? I think part of the problem is rooted in how hard it is for the single mom. When she's looking for a mate, she's not only looking for a person to love her, but a person to love her children and help care for them as a father. So the man is already coming into a situation with higher-than-normal expectations, which can turn away some potential suitors.
Another reason is that not only does he have to get along and"click" with the woman, but the children as well. How many men do you truly click with? It's hard enough to find a match where two people hit it off, but when you start trying to get 3, 4, 5 people to hit it off at once, it becomes exponentially more difficult.
Another part of it, for me, is figuring out why the father is not around anymore. Why were the vows not kept? Is the separation indicitve of a problem of his? Of hers? Or were they not even married when the kids were born? Whose fault is that?
Probably the biggest reason for me, though, is that I don't know how the kids were raised. The father is out of the picture for some reason. Is that because he's a deadbeat dad? Didn't love the children? Didn't love the mom? Has he engrained a bad example in the children's head already? Are they rebellious for having no father figure? Will the children accept me?
I want to raise my children to be respectable citizens. I've been around some very well raised children, and some very poorly raised ones. What about these kids I'm about to take on with this relationship? Are they well-mannered, or out of control? How old are they? Are they "too far gone" to be raised right? I believe that too many people don't start instilling proper manners/etiquette/etc until the kids get older, and that it needs to be done early on. Bad habits start young. So, to me, the younger the children are, the more willing I am to step into that relationship.
There are just a lot of "what if"s that need answered, and a lot of times it just isn't worth the hassle. What if the girl is the woman of my dreams, but the kids hate me - isn't that worse than never getting to know the woman in the first place?
Another reason is that I want my own children, of my seed. I don't know if that would be considered selfish, but that's what I want. Is my partner going to want the same if they already have 2 or 3 kids? In theory I'd be able to love them all the same, but can that truly happen? I don't know.
Don't get me wrong, there are single mom's I've been more than willing to step in as a father figure for, but for one reason or another things didn't work with the mom.
Bottom line is that there are a LOT of additional questions that need addressed in order to go down the road of dating a divorced mother. There are definite red flags that go up. It's not impossible to overcome, though - and every red flag may be able to be addressed and eliminated. I realize nobody is perfect, including myself. I'm not trying to judge others out there - just answering honestly as to some of the thoughts that go through my head when asked that question.
A lot of it boils down to selfishness. Not right, but it is what it is.
