For several years... that's right, YEARS!, I have been seeking the Lord's will in leading me to my special someone.
Through this site, and a few others, from time to time I have been blessed with e-mail and IM exchanges that flow beautifully, and even progress to phone conversations. And then, the time comes to meet in person... and that's the end of it all. Almost invariably, the ladies tell me that I seem like a friend or a brother.... but they instantly write me off as someone they don't want to pursue any further toward a relationship.
I'm at a total loss as to how to understand this... they tell me that I have a lot to offer to a girl (I'm a nice guy, very sincere, Godly, etc.), but they aren't interested. Every time I go through this with someone, my hopes for finally breaking out of this rut and meeting my special lady grow just a little dimmer.
I'm getting so frustrated and so burnt out on this whole thing. Can someone please help me? And tell me how I might find a Godly lady who just might be willing to let things progress beyond just one date before writing me off completely?
ArmorofGod you are not the only one who has difficulty understanding how to start a relationship with someone. I have been trying for years and I have not been able to get past a first date as well. I get the same kind of response that you do from women, I am a really nice guy, honest, kind, a real gentleman, but they feel that it�s just not God�s will. It�s always wonderful to hear that after one date with me, they suddenly realize that God is calling them to serve Him a single person.
I know that many who have responded are only trying to help, but it is so hard to be confident when the ONLY thing you know is failure. I understand that not every situation is going to lead to relationship (and that can be a very good thing in some cases). But, when you get absolutely nowhere year after year, it really tends to take a toll on your confidence. It tends to feel like you are asked to take a quiz where you have to get all of the questions right. The problem is that you have no idea what questions you got wrong, nor do you know which questions you got right. You just have to keep repeating the quiz over and over again until you get all the questions right. After a while you begin to second guess yourself as to whether or not you are getting anything right. I know you have to be confident, but confidence without knowledge leads to arrogance.
I know this doesn�t answer your question, but I just thought I would let you know that you are not the only one who has the same problem. It can be very frustrating when what you do is never good enough, and the best advice you get is to just keep doing what you have always done.
As you've seen, self-confidence is often dependent on the actions of others, which change all the time. The only place you can put your confidence that will never change on you is in Christ. It isn't easy, but if you take time off of dating to focus on building a stronger relationship with Him, your interactions with women slowly become less outcome-dependent. The approval you have in Christ trumps the approval of others. I will be the first to say that it isn't something that comes quickly or easily, because it's only be the grace of God that he's given it to me in the last year.
As far as dating advice goes, if all the advice you get is to keep doing what hasn't been working, shouldn't you start looking other places for relationship advice? While being kind, respectable, a gentleman, etc. are all a great start, you have to be careful that you aren't coming off as safe, boring, and not particularly interesting. Women need to be able to feel attracted, and that requires a certain amount of chemistry between you and her.
As a point of encouragement, I was in your same situation about a year ago. It's never too late to learn and develop your skills with women. After all, the lessons you learn will help you know how to love your wife better in the future.
The last girl I went out with was a real heart-breaker. I really liked her and thought she would have been a GREAT fit for me!
It makes me absolutely sick to think that, all because of something I did (or didn't do), that I will never have the chance to get to know her any better.
How do all these failures fit into God's plan for my life? And have I completely missed out on the special someone God prepared for me just by being too much of a "friend"?
I've been raised to be friends with someone first, and let romance progress naturally from that base of friendship as time goes on. Is that a wrong way of thinking in this day and age?
I can relate ... my particular experience has been one of developing stronger feelings of love for someone than they ever have for me and in the end being told: "I love you, but not in the way that you love me. God has someone for you, but she's not me. She's out there somewhere and you need to keep looking for her." Of course, it always hurts to have deeper feelings for someone than they have for you and, especially then, to keep being told this!!! But ... I want to be, NEED to be with THE gal who feels as deep a love develop for me as I've developed for her and to be SURE God has brought us together to be more than friends, that we're going to STAY more than friends!!! This takes time and effort and input from God's heart and Spirit to yours as you are developing your relationship.
I wrote a song about this situation and perhaps my sharing the lyrics to it will be an encouragement and blessing to your hearts. Its been to mine. The love song is titled:
"Love Takes Time" (c) 2010 by Steve McLean
Love takes time
But love is worth the wait
When you find
That one special one;
Love takes time
But don't you hesitate
When you find
True love has come.
Love takes time
But love is all we need
To define
God's purpose in life;
Love takes time
But when God plants love's seed
We all find
Love's worth the time!
One love to light our way,
One love that glows;
One love to bless our days,
One love unknown.
Hang in there with me, brothers and sisters. If it's part of God's will, purpose and plan to prosper your heart and your life with someone special to love, it'll be WORTH THE WAIT when you finally meet that TRUE LOVE!!!
Everyone has given you really good advice here. I hope it helps. I only had one concern.
"I am so sick and tired of investing a month or more in e-mails and phone conversations"
I know I'm from a different generation, but I don't see 1 month as a large investment. I was on site, e-mail, phone, webcam, etc. for 3 months with my beau before we decided to meet. Granted, we are long distance, but what I'm referring to is whether you are coming on too strong as far as wanting too much from these girls emotionally too soon. If my beau had acted in a manner that made me feel like he was pushing the relationship or talked about exclusivity to soon, or... I would have run for the hills wondering why he was so 'needy.'
Maybe some of the guys can give you advice on how to handle the "spook" factor in girls. Guys don't get the scary stuff that girls do and/or not as intimidated if they do get something that seems unhealthy or threatening to them.
I feel like I'm rambling. Hope this makes some sense.
"How do all these failures fit into God's plan for my life?"
I can't give a definite answer for you, as God works circumstances differently in different people's lives. What I can tell you is that in my life, God used my failures to show me that he is THE important thing in my life and everything else, even relationships, is a distant second.
"And have I completely missed out on the special someone God prepared for me just by being too much of a 'friend'?"
Of course not. God is far more sovereign than that.
"Is that a wrong way of thinking in this day and age?"
I can't speak for dating in the past, as I wasn't alive too long ago. However, if you were a girl, how would you feel if you thought a guy just wanted to be friends, and then suddenly he was asking you out on dates? Set the right tone from the beginning. This doesn't mean hitting on every girl you meet, but just being fun and interesting as a person instead of puppy-like. If a girl sparks your interest, you don't have to go from "kinda friends" to "long term girlfriend" in a week. Before you're serious about the direction it's going, just be sure to spend less than 3 times a week with her. That way you're getting time together to get to know her better without signaling a huge amount of expected commitment.
"How do all these failures fit into God's plan for my life?"
I prefer to see it as experiences to help us become a better person, rather than calling it as a failure :)
"And have I completely missed out on the special someone God prepared for me just by being too much of a "friend"?"
Nope, I believe it is just a matter of time. It is very cliche but that's the best answer so far.
"I've been raised to be friends with someone first, and let romance progress naturally from that base of friendship as time goes on. Is that a wrong way of thinking in this day and age?"
Nope. But I think, from friendship to romance, it will need more effort, coz both sides dun wanna lose the chance of losing their "best friends" and ruin the relationship.
Someway somehow, I think you should replay the scenes of your first dates and find the pattern there. From the story you told, it seems that the flow stopped just after the first dates. Idk, but maybe it's like some women attract jerks to them, just a thought :)
Armor, it isn't really the kind of advice I would ever want to give, but I guess Tulip is right. If the attempts cause you so much distress pain and disappointment, if all you see is failure, then the best thing is to stop trying and focus more on Christ. He can be the only means of our satisfaction/contentment in life. Letting your happiness in life be dependent on other people will always result in let-downs because we're all sinners! don't forget that! really, only Jesus can make your heart glad.
When you've achieved that, you'll be ready for a relationship based on ministering love to the other person, and not focused on receiving her attention and approval.
I suspect that Armor's frustration is a lot like mine. Failure is not a problem, you can't succeed every time. The frustration comes from not being able to learn from your failures. All I ever hear, even from the women that turn me down, is that I am doing nothing wrong. If I keep chasing women away after the first date, I must be doing something wrong. How can I correct what I am doing wrong if I don't even know what it is that I am doing wrong?
It would just be nice if women weren't so "polite" and just tell the truth. We would fail, but at least we would learn.
It's almost like they're shopping... if they meet us and don't IMMEDIATELY like what they see, they just move on to the next without giving us the time to let them see our hearts.
I think it's just classic Flesh vs. Spirit... and to win this crazy game, we have to learn to play to Flesh just a little bit, apparently.
