I would like to ask you ladies a question, just trying to see things from your point of view.
Many people have told me that I shouldn�t get married if I am not content being alone. If a guy is perfectly content being alone, why do you think he would want to get married? What would be the point of disrupting a perfectly content life?
I know what you're trying to say Cobbler, and there is logic in that.
I think what they are trying to say is that the grass is not greener on the other side... It is green on both sides! You are just trading lonliness for other issues that you don't have to deal with as a single. The grass is the same; the weeds are just different! Having a spouse is not a solution... it is a trade off. So, if your life feels 'itchy' now, that will not change by placing another person in your life. Often when we fantasize about what it would be like to have that special someone by our side, we forget to imagine in all the hard, even painful stuff that comes hand in hand with it. We only think of the lonliness being gone, the arms around us, the good stuff!
Though the hard times are what we consider "bad", they are actually the times when we grow the most... so they are actually "good"! So, the words of Paul are our ideal...in all things to be content, whether in lack or in abundance, because then we know that when we rest in Him (trust that He has us just where we need to be, itchy or not), that is when we have peace (spouse or not).
I am still just 'getting' this myself... and only in little waves. There are times when I think "enough is enough already!", and times when I sit back and say "s'all good!", even though my situation has not changed. Just my contentedness and trust level.
I DON'T get the decades of singleness. I DO know (that I know that I know that I know) that He loves me!
So because someone wants to get married that means that they are not being realistic? If people knew what it really means to be married they wouldn�t want to be? There is NO benefit to being married?
If being alone is so great, then why does the Bible say that being alone is not good?
Answer the question. If I can be content being alone, then what is the point of getting married? If there is no benefit to being married, if marriage will not bring me happiness, then why get married? Why would you rather chase after someone who could care less if you are there for them or not?
I feel your frustration, brother. Please don't mis-hear me. There ARE benefits to being married and it is not 'wrong' to want to be married. And I would hope you would never marry someone who couldn't care less if you were there or not! There would definitely be NO point in that! LOL
The concern is that if finding someone to marry is the center of your contentment, then you are putting more weight in what that person can provide for you than they are capable of. The marriage would be doomed from the start. Only God can provide for our deepest needs, including understanding others.
The bible DOES say it is not good to be alone, but community is supposed to be able to take care of that (we are not necessarily good at that, even on this website), and it also says 'he who finds a wife finds a good thing'. It also says it is better to remain single for the sake of the kingdom so that you don't get bogged down taking care of your spouse's/family's needs and can spend all your energy on growing the kingdom. It doesn't say taking care of your spouse/family is a bad thing either, you are just freer if you don't have that concern.
If equally yoked, where both of you rely on God for your deepest emotional, financial, spiritual needs and you both can give to each other equally to help the other be all they can be ... this is a good thing!
You have mentioned before, though, a desire to have someone by your side who can act as a filter for you in the asberger (?) issues ... how can a single person do that?Community can help you, along with your own seeking God each day for help. We all have to do our own version of this, no matter how 'perfect' others seem to be. She can be a part of that community for you, but she cannot do it all herself. When we put expectations on another for our well being we do not give them the freedom to live their own life. Perhaps this is what you meant to express but couldn't find the words.
So back to your original question... why get married? I believe it is two fold: 1) so you don't burn, 2) to help the other fulfill God's ultimate will in her life ... that is, to be in close relationship with her Creator and for her to represent Him well.
I do agree with you that the �community� should help, but for many of us we do not have the luxury of having a community that will help. All of our friends are gone, and our family (including church family) are too busy with their own lives to provide any help.
I love the fact that people love to say that God will provide for our needs. It is very true, but how does he do that? He provides our needs through other people. To say that there is something seriously wrong with someone who actually wants to be there for someone else, to be there for them through the bad times and not just the good, that seems seriously twisted to me. I can understand not wanting to be with someone who is only needy and never gives back, but that is not me. But the mere fact that I desire to be married is �proof� that all I want to do is take and not give.
But, the mere mention of wanting to be married causes women to run away, and my friends and family to shun me and to accuse me of needing serious help. Instead everyone pushes me away and tells me to just be �content� all by myself. I would love to find someone who is actually content being all alone.
1 Corinthians 7:33-34 (NASB)
33 but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife,
34 � but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband.
The focus in marriage isn�t about the other person making you happy; it is about each one focusing on pleasing the other person. But desiring this is somehow wrong. I should just be happy being all alone.
"Many people have told me that I shouldn�t get married if I am not content being alone. If a guy is perfectly content being alone, why do you think he would want to get married? What would be the point of disrupting a perfectly content life?"
***It is up to each of us, as individuals, to make ourselves content. No one can do that for us. We must fill up our lives for ourselves.
***For once we are content, and secure in ourselves, then we have true love to offer to another person.
***Most of us (who have been married) would probably say that we choose to marry when we could no longer imagine our lives without that special person who has joined us on our journey.
Therefore, the ideal is to go from having a content life to meeting your potential mate, thereby making you discontent unless you marry.
I can certainly understand not wanting to marry someone unless you can�t imagine your life without them. Why would you want to marry a SPECIFIC someone otherwise. But there is a big difference between wanting to get married, and wanting to marry just anyone. I�m not wanting to marry just anyone, but the mere fact that I want to marry SOMEONE is proof that there is something wrong with me.
If you are perfectly content being alone, then why would you bother looking for someone? If you are truly content being alone, then why are you on this site?
The point of marriage is to be there for each other in the good, and the bad, so long as you don�t ACTUALLY have any real problems. So basically if I am not happy being alone, if I am not perfect, then I am broken and not worth the effort.
No one here on this earth can help me to be happy, I just need to go off all by myself and �let God make me happy�.
James 2:14-18 (NASB)
14 What use is it, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but he has no works? Can that faith save him?
15 If a brother or sister is without clothing and in need of daily food,
16 and one of you says to them, "Go in peace, be warmed and be filled," and yet you do not give them what is necessary for their body, what use is that?
17 Even so faith, if it has no works, is dead, being by itself.
18 But someone may well say, "You have faith and I have works; show me your faith without the works, and I will show you my faith by my works."
" I�m not wanting to marry just anyone, but the mere fact that I want to marry SOMEONE is proof that there is something wrong with me."
So, you are saying that you want to be married, but haven't found the right one yet, correct? And somehow this is proof that there is something wrong with you? I don't see the logic in that. Being content, or satisfied, doesn't mean that we don't continue to strive forward, to grow, to learn, etc.
"If you are perfectly content being alone, then why would you bother looking for someone? If you are truly content being alone, then why are you on this site?"
Cobbler, I am content within myself that if God chooses for me to remain alone, I will be OK. While I would prefer to remarry (hence, this site) my life will go on and I will continue to serve God, and my family & community.
"The point of marriage is to be there for each other in the good, and the bad, so long as you don�t ACTUALLY have any real problems. So basically if I am not happy being alone, if I am not perfect, then I am broken and not worth the effort."
I would advise that you stop listening to bad advice like the above. While I am not a mental health professional, I detect signs and symptoms of depression in what you say and am greatly concerned. There are plenty of us who have suffered from depression and it is very treatable. Please contact a mental health professional in your area for some support and guidance. There are great Pastoral Counselors and Christian Counselors out there. It sounds like you've had a very difficult time lately and could use a caring, supportive person to listen and offer advice. While we in this online community can try to be helpful and supportive to our brothers and sisters in Christ, we are not trained to give you the right advice about all things.
God loves you and wants the best for you, and so do we.
Cobbler: I often wonder if that message about being happy alone is a Chinese whisper type thing; I'm guessing but I think the original intent is more along the lines of you need to accept yourself before you're in a position to be able to accept someone else. Phrased like that, I hope it makes more sense, because you're right in saying that it'd be pointless for someone totally happy alone to marry - it's just upsetting the apple-cart for the sake of it!
I�ve been to plenty of Christian counselors, who do you think keeps telling me that I am wrong for wanting to be married? Who do you think is telling me that wanting to be married but not being able to find someone is proof that there is something wrong with me?
Yes, I am depressed. I�m depressed because everyone keeps telling me that it�s all my fault that I can�t figure out how to start a relationship. I�m depressed because no one will believe me that I need help, that there is nothing wrong with me, that I don�t have Asperger�s and that I am making it all up.
And I am sick and tired of being told that my only hope is to seek out professionals. Or as I like to call them, rent-a-friends, since it is really only my friends that can help me.
All I ever am is wrong. The only way I can ever be right is if I just go away and be all alone.
