Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burs from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and......... ......... .......
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD.....WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. ....WHAT THE HECK!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both ni**les on fire, testi**es nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor...
IT HURT LIKE HECK!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both ni**les were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testi**es and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.S. My wife, can't stop about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!
dear leon,, i was really chucklin along.. till i got down to mens body parts in there.. .. thats really not appropriate talk on a christian site.. there are women here as well as men also..
i really dont understand why you didnt change that to summin else.. or just took it out altogether.. the joke would of still worked im sure.. so lets keep it clean from now on ok..
I copied and pasted both of these jokes straight off of other Christian sites where there was not one word of complaint. This web site has an automatic check that every post has to go through before it is displayed. Had any of those words actually been written out, this would have been rejected, not to mention I wouldn't have tried in the first place.
I have been a member, off and on, of this site since it started and have never been challenged as regularly as you have done in the last three days. If you have some problem with me, step up and say so.
That joke, as is, came from a site for ordained ministers only. It was posted by the Assistant Pastor on the site, yes a preacher to the preachers.
I am sorry. After I calmed down, I re-read the post and realized you are right. I should never have posted it without editing it. I had read it a week or so ago, thought it was hilarious, so I copied and pasted without even re-reading.
To be honest, I didn;t even notice those things when I read it. If you can, please remove it or edit it for me please. I don't want to be known as the guy that tells the dirty jokes.
To everyone else, please forgive me and know that I did not want to offend anyone, though I will understand if you feel that way. I am sorry, I will be more careful in the future.
dear leon, it really doesnt matter where you get the jokes from.. what matters is the content..
and mens private body parts are not appropriate talk for a christian site..least ways this christian site. youre not only amongst christian men but also christian women here...
you say i have gotten on you more in the last 3 days..
brother do you remember admitting that i had a good reason to get on you each time before this one? and thanking me for doin so and even apologizing for your actions..
so as to your question do i have a problem with you leon.. no i sure dont when you are not out of line...
Hummmm....Jokes....from Ordained Ministers web sites..???
I'd rather believe an think a Ordained Minister would veer away from readin or referancein stuff like that...but what do I know...I'm jus a prudent women...xo
I was hoping that they would edit or remove it. I asked Cattle and Admin both if they would, but I don't know if they are even able to do that or not. I hope they get around to it soon, before more people are offended by it.
dear leon, i have made a request for you as well.. i really dont know if it can be deleted just the words or if it has to be the whole post or whether it can be done at all... thats beyond my knowlege.. hehe
i havent heard anything yet.. will let you know when i do...
about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!