Hello, my name is Christopher which is supposed to mean "One with Christ", though I admit, my on again off again depression holds me back from that from time to time.
On that note, I am thankful to say that I was not born with a nature that ever really desired to be "conformed to the patterns of this world". It's just that loneliness, rejection, and comparison has put a weight upon my heart and I'm struggling desperately not to allow it to harden.
I have never been a ladies man per say, so I don't know what it's like to have the pick of the crop. That in itself has led to the birth of jealousy. It would seem that every girl I have ever pursued has had that benefit. The men waiting at her door, supporting her, making her laugh, and keeping her happy, but I on the other hand can not maintain. I always feel left out, not good enough, funny enough, having enough financial security, or what have you.
It's always that feeling of,"well if they were just receptive, I could feel my self, then with their love, I'd have the courage to be those things", but alas, that is folly.
I believe as I have always known, but have trouble remaining fully dedicated to, and that is that one needs an absolute relation with The Spirit, with The Creator, in order to feel confident enough to traverse the valley of the shadow of death and have the eyes and ears to witness the Heaven that lays subtly all around and within. Though again it is difficult, it is a difficult path. We are to love The Creator with all of our heart and all of our mind. We are told that we are to hold the same amount of concern for others as we do our selves, and I admit, I don't always feel the height of that reality. It is not that I do not love The Creator, that I do not tire of this world, or that I am unaware of the profound mysteries beyond the temporal/secular world. It is just that those mysteries do not hold me at night. And while those mysteries will be here with me until and beyond the point in which I have breathed my last breath, it brings me no comfort still, knowing that I am not passionately saught out by my female twin and do not know if one is even in God's will for me.
So there is the jist of my madness in relation to love. That is part of why I am here, in hopes to find a personality that sparks and reacts to mine as I do her's. The other reason is for fellowship, as I do currently carry a broken heart over an old old friend, and I am not sure I am fully able or ready to trust again on that level, so I need female companionship, the company of a woman who is Spiritual in aspiration and not patterned after this world and it's passing fads, trends, and mis-guided idealogies.
I will warn you all though, I am of my own personal religion so to speak, that is it is between The Creator and I. So I may not worship the same way you worship, I do not adopt a denomination, though when I read scripture or talk to God, I am sincere in my every effort and ever faithful, honest, and true.
Though again I do struggle, but I can at least say that my relationship with God is authentic, just perhaps different than your own, and of different experiences than you may be used to hearing about.
That being said I will also say that I am as comfortable in the proverbial streets and with "street people" as I am with those living in the "white picket fense" scenario. So if I seem a little ill mannered or too forward at times, I apologize.
Thank you for reading. I look forward to meeting you all!
