| Author | Thread: I need prayer and help please |
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I need prayer and help pleasePosted : 23 Aug, 2013 01:29 PMI need prayer for my father issues. I have asked for this before but never told the whole story so here is the whole story. My earthly Dad was never there for me and still isn't to this day. He never wanted to be a Dad and still doesn't. He lives in Canada and I live in California. He never calls, writes, visits or e-mails. He only visited once in the 9 years I have lived here cause he felt he had to but not cause he wanted to and his actions said clearly that he didn't wanna be here at all. I have a step-dad that I feel three thousand miles away from standing in the same room with him. He doesn't wanna be a father figure either just wants someone to keep the house clean and he calls me eighty percent alot. I have read the verses in the Bible about GOD being my Heavenly Father and I believe them but unable to fully grasp them. I have PDD-NOS and one of the ways it effects me is the only way I learn about something is by experience or pictures or seeing it on tv or a movie. That's just the way GOD has made me. Its frustrating but I accept it. When I was about 5ish my parents took me to Church and during the service everyone went quiet so I'm guessing everyone was praying and the Pastor turned and faced a cross and raised his hands in a gesture of surrender and I heard GOD's voice so from then on I was able to believe in GOD cause I experienced Him by hearing His voice. When I was taught about Jesus I believed but I wasn't fully able to understand until I saw the Jesus Film. Then I got a picture Bible and I was able finally to grow spiritually by leaps and bounds cause with the pictures I could see what it was talkin about and understand it. So since I never experienced a good father I'm unable to really relate and understand GOD as Father even though I want to. I believe that He is but I can't connect to Him that way even though I really need to and I want to. And I try I call Him Dad in prayer but it feels so hollow even though I believe that's who He is I don't fully understand it and so it just feels so hollow. I keep doing that in the hopes my feelings will catch up with me but I been struggling with this for years now. I have prayed about it in tears many times over the years for healing and many others have also but no healing yet. Every single day I feel the pain of it and I feel like I'm being punished not by GOD but by my Dad I can almost hear him every single day in my head saying "you weren't good enough to love so now you suffer because you are not good enough." I feel such pain every time I see a father with his daughter that I can hardly bare it. Each time feels like someone has put a sword in my chest. I'm so sick of this pain and having this struggle. Sometimes I feel like no one understands this and I wonder if anyone can help me at all. Sometimes I feel its a sin to struggle with this and condemn myself. Sometimes I wonder if GOD is mad at me for struggling with this. I try not to think about this struggle but whenever I try to forget it I fall into a clinical depression and clinical depression runs in my family. Sometimes I think about standing at the judgement seat of Christ and I think I'll hear "you struggled with not having an earthly father when you already have a Heavenly Father. Treating Him like He's not good enough for you. You were selfish." Sometimes I wonder if He says that about me now. But I can't help the struggle as much as I want to be rid of it I can't help it. I can't help myself. Sometimes I feel like I can't really talk about it with anyone as I been told basically to grow up and get over it and just move on. I feel so shut down by such statements and all they do is hurt me they don't help. One person told me that whenever I feel I need a father to tell myself I don't and just move on and I felt so hurt and shut down from that that I won't bring it up to them again. It's tempting to never ask for prayers and help for this cause of the responses I get but I know I need the prayers so I keep doing it. I have tried to tell myself to get over it and stuff like that but I fell into a really bad clinical depression and I don't ever wanna end up there again. All I want is healing for this issue not condemnation not being told off not being shut down. I wanna be understood. I need to know that my feelings are ok. And I want prayer for this. So please pray for me and please I ask don't shut me down again. |
teach_ib
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I need prayer and help pleasePosted : 24 Aug, 2013 08:14 AMJenny, I continue to pray for you. |
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