Can you have something on the "must have list" that you don't have yourself?
Posted : 24 May, 2022 01:37 AM
Again I don't think we disagree, I think my third language is not very clear when I try to express myself.
For a man to impress me with his personality, it doesn't take all that much. I need for him to be passionate about something, be able to reflect and talk about his views on topics and "be interesting". Not just agree to everything I say, and ask me if the weather is OK, and if I slept well.
(this is a deep topic, but it comes down to chemistry in the end)
I want to be proud of showing him to my friends is more of a statement that I wouldn't have to "exhause" his behaviour or "hide" stuff about him that I am not proud off when introducing him to my friends and family. It is not about looking for some perfect man, but someone similar to myself. (same kind of level in certain areas.) Someone who works hard and has basic social skills, that is the bare minimum.
I will never dump a husband if he loses his job or happens to get ill and therefore can't work. I just expect him to have some ambitions and goals for himself, and to adjust them if life throws him a curveball. The guy from yesterday was content with the stuff he had now, and didn't plan to change anything in his life, ever, except get a wife. I'm not there in life that I would be willing to enter that with open eyes.
Can you have something on the "must have list" that you don't have yourself?
Posted : 24 May, 2022 12:49 AM
I'd rather be alone and eventually miss the romance and company of a husband, than to be with a husband that I might end up resenting because I chose him only to aviod the first scenario.
I don't want to settle for someone who can't impress me with their personality. Someone I will be proud to introduce to my friends. I also need someone I can respect, and that is hard when the only thing I must base the respect on his his social status.
Can you have something on the "must have list" that you don't have yourself?
Posted : 24 May, 2022 12:04 AM
Haha, thanks again for the response.
I am not having a lot of time for pleasure, but I do find great joy in spontaneous small activities, like random walks, random meals, random car trips, exploring new sites, random sports, and random cooking when I am hanging out with my best friend or other close friends. I would have appreciated to find a husband who could be doing stuff like that with me.
It is also something when you talk to someone and the conversation is LIT. You find topics you're both passionate about and have a real engaging conversation. That to me is key. I meet a lot of men like that, but mainly not single, or not within my age-limitations.
I didn't describe yesterdays date in detail, but even our waitor at the restaurant must have sensed something was off. To me it felt like he wasn't putting his heart into the date. He even said he had been "scammed" and "ghosted" so many times he didn't expect me to show up at the date.
That lack of self confidence stuck by him through the night. There were some red flags, and just the lack of romantic tension on top of that, makes him a not very strong contendor when I have other matches lined up whom I seem to have better chemistry with.
Since he didn't expect me to show up, he didn't even dress for a restaurant date, (wore jeans+ a work-out-jacket, black tennis socks and sports sandals) and the whole thing became a bit uncomfortable since I compared to him was way over dressed and prepared for the date like a normal person wearing a dress, high heels, make up, earrings, perfume, ect.
The entire experience became a bit off, and then I know I would rather be alone than with someone I feel is not invested if that even makes sense.
Can you have something on the "must have list" that you don't have yourself?
Posted : 23 May, 2022 10:35 PM
Hi there. I like your reply. I just wanted to address one thing (and a few bonus things):
>"I get it, no one wants to be with someone lazy, but your reason does not seem to come across in a good way... you want him to have a job and "be out of the house" so that *you* get to sit on you "a** all day long"?... That's the way it's coming across to me."
English is my third language, so it was hard to describe this in a reasonable way. I am not that lazy, I am an introvert social worker who works 100% (or more) but I have a live-in job where I work and live at an orphanage for 3-4 days(and nights) at a time. Therefore I have 7 days off in between my shifts.
When I have those 7 days off, I need rest, also from the extroversion I have lived with for 73 or 97 hours straight. If my husband then was unemployed he would litterally most likely be around the house all that time, when I need some quiet time right after getting off work. Even if I got him to not talk to me for 8 hours stright, he would make small amounts of noice if he did anything other than sitting or laying still all day long.
That is why I want him to have a job so that he'll be out of the house for at least a few hours, so that my brain can rest. I'm not nessesarily sitting down all that time. I might be doing gardening, hiking, laundry, cleaning around the house, so this is actually a peace of mind thing, not that I need his money. I'd be perfectly capable of supporting an unemployed husband with my income.
I hope this clarified a bit more what I was up to.
I can also say one thing about when men writes to me and seem interested because I am "a white woman." The reason this was mentioned was also that so many of these men did not read my profile, they send me a "copy paste" message, I guess they send to all white women who interests them. That is also counter productive if they want response or even interest back. We do sense it long way that these men didn't read our profiles. It was meant as a comment that could start some thought processes among those operating in that kind of style, just so they are aware why and how they do things, and that we do notice from their style.
Not all men who are openly searching for virgins are twice divorced, but it was a caracteristic I thought I could use to underline a point. Many of them are far from virgins themselves, although they might have never been married before.
If a virgin man is looking for a virgin wife I would consider that less controversial, but I have also observed many men state this on their profiles, and at that point it might scare women away, because it is such a weird thing to broadcast to the world when you are meeting someone for the first time, visiting their profile.
I had another date yesterday, and this time the man had the best social-wealth situation one can imagine. He had a job as a computer engineer, a 4 bedroom house fully paid for. A modern electric car fully paid for, and one of the most beautiful bengal cats (expensive) I have seen. He just had no romantic tension at all, little to none humor, quite low attractiveness, and conversation flow was not the best. He would most certainly have been a safe choice to take home to my mother, but also potentially a boring person to spend a lifetime with. I will eventually need to meet someone that I feel attracted to without seing their bank account.
I went to my account setting and regulated what age group I wanted to be able to contact me, and made it 30-43. This makes things a little bit easier.
I also am unwilling to date people who smoke, so I blocked all smokers.
You can also adjust what geograpical area you want people to be able to contact you from. This setting is not working 100% but it does block out some if you have geographical boundaries.
Can you have something on the "must have list" that you don't have yourself?
Posted : 15 May, 2022 10:05 PM
Thanks for a long answer highlighting some of the things I didn't write, but also am aware of. As a "white" woman on this site only dating within Scandinavia, (for practical reasons) I do hear a lot from men of other colours that I am racist for not wanting to date them, despite the fact is that I don't date anyone of any colour who residents outside of Scandinavia.
I also have a lot of messages in my DMs from men of various colours saying they are only looking for a white woman (weird thing to classify from, as white women live all over the world, and are extremely different in all kinds of ways.)
Others message me and tell me they are spesifically looking for a virgin, and if I ask them why, they have no real explanation except they want it to prove she is a woman of "virtue" who kan be "trusted". ect. How does really a "virginity" prove that? Some of these men are in the category of "twice divorced" themselves, or other kinds of situations I know for sure my virgin friends won't be interested in dating.
I also find it logical for men to demand physical attractiveness, this is of cause a very individual taste, so I can mention that women too in most cases demands this, although I myself don't measure it by if a man has a certain hight, weight, muscle mass, six pack, hairline or eye colour. Looks could matter less to a woman based on a mans charm, humor, and if he makes her feel special and safe.
I also doubth marriages building solemnly on a woman choosing a man for his wealth will be a happy one. My demand for a man to have a job is solemnly so he wont be sitting on his a** all day long, but be out of the house so that I can have some time for myself when he is at work and I am having a day off.
My last date was a man who were explisit about liking everything about me (looks and personality) but even if I didn't find him very attractive or interesting decided I would not eliminate him for that kind of reasons. When he told me he didn't repent from any of his sins, but still believed himself to be a Christian, that was when I quit him.
This could be a very interesting topic, and I sure do discuss it with my single female friends. It is nice to get a mans perspective too.
I read it so many years ago. Didn't help me or any of my friends as it is hard to decide to quit dating when I already live in a country who doesn't know how to date.
I found the book now when I relocated, and donated it to a second hand charity shop. I also have a date tomorrow, so I think I failed.
Can you have something on the "must have list" that you don't have yourself?
Posted : 9 May, 2022 11:50 PM
Hi guys. I don't think it is a huge secret that a lot of single women date with a list at hand with all of her demands, and wants in the man she is dating. I guess some men also have sort of a list they work from when choosing whom to date.
Do you think it is possible or even realistic for people to have demands on their list of traits in a partner that they themselves don't live up to. I am just curious because some women have tendencies to demand that the man have to make a certain amount of money, own a house or a car when they themselves don't. It could also be people of spesific colour being clear they only date other colours. It could also be people being people with sexual relationship(s) in the past demanding only to date virgins.
What are your takes on these kind of lists, and how someones lists don't match up to their own life and behaviour?
How do you start looking for what you need instead of what you want?
Posted : 9 May, 2022 11:45 PM
It seems like a lot of women I know have been wanting the "bad boy" kind of man who is confident, and leads in their relationship although he is not at all good for her. When she eventually realizes and gets her heart broken she has wasted a lot of time with that kind of man.
As for the men I have heard about manipulative women, and quite often women who change behaviour as soon as they have tied the man down in the relationship, and he becomes miserable over time.
How do we train our dating skills into choosing the partners we need instead of the ones we immediately want? Don't we all need a partner who is honest out of the gate, clear on their boundaries and on their intentions? Who has time for all these games and illusions?
