yep, im the process of divorce from the woman I wrote this for/because of. We were.. unequally yoked. you can use all the christian principles in the world in a marriage with someone who isnt a believer but there is no assurance it will work. i found that out the hard way. Guess thats what i get for *missionary dating*
My spouses afair hurt her more then it hurt me. Yes, it tore my heart out and it took me a long time to deal with it, but to be honest, the disappointment i felt, the hurt, was not self imposed. Her guilt was.
Guilt is something you cannot escape. I would never, ever cheat, if for no other reason then I can only imagine the guilt would be unescapable.
You either have to harden your heart to it, or face God and deal with it at the cross, or let it tear you a apart inside.
she let it tear her apart, then finally hardened her heart to the guilt, which allowed her to pursue and entertain the idea of other extramarital affairs.
meanwhile, here I am past it all, having given it to the lord and let him heal me from the pain, and she was still being eaten up. It was so amazing to see her just implode from the guilt. she actually would blame me for not lashing out at her for it, it was the oddest thing to see.
If she had just turned to the lord and sought forgiveness, our marriage would have turned out fine. But she continued to feed her adulterous heart and desires, her feelings for me faded and disappeared, my love became a slap in the face, and she gave up.
people please, never throw away a life time of commitment and love for a few moments of worthless pleasure. My marriage died the minute she crossed the line, it just took almost 2 years to go through the death throes and finally collapse.
The words indicated in Bold are censored from the CDFF Forum:
Ouch,I signed up on this website on a fluke. I typed in *free christian dating* in google, and low and behold... I have been married for 8 years. It has been a struggle. I was unequally yoked. For reasons of privacy, I cannot devulge alot of details on a website that you can access this easily, but put it this way, My wife left me because I loved her too much. No that doesnt mean I was over possessive or anything dumb like that. I loved her with God's love and she said that everytime i would do things for her, or tell her how much i love her, it would make her feel guilty because she couldnt return that love. so she left me. So I came to the realization that ok, sure I am a christian, and I approached my marriage from a christian point of view, and I made vows before God, but that didnt entitle me to God fixing my wife. I prayed for years to see this woman change and know christ. Ladies, listen to me. I was a total romantic, I brought her flowers all the time, i rubbed her feet, her kneck, her back all the time. I gave her a castle, I doted on her, I paid attention whenever she talked to me (ever had a guy do that???) I would bursh her hair for her, run baths for her, all of this. consistently. and every single night I would pray with her. EVERY single night. I would share what I was learning about God, I encouraged her, I did everything a human can do. it failed, she left. So now I have the remnants of a marriage, a huge house, my business, my beautiful kids, but no wife. I am hollow. I know I should not be looking for anyone to fill that hole right now. I am about the most sensible and realistic person you could meet. I guess I am just shell shocked. I figured, hey why not throw up a profile, be honest, and see if I even get a response. I used to know what my life would be like in a day, a month, a year. Now I am broken and hurt. Why would this happen to me? I am not trying to paint myself as a martyr or a saint, lord knows we all have our faults, but I am 36 now, I have grown up, I know how to Love and I know how to handle my inadequecies. You can read the diatribe I wrote about marriage in the adice forum. I seriously do that... err did that. err tried. I thought she was a believer, she wasnt. oh who knows who is and who isnt. judge a tree by its fruit, there is nothing but bad fruit. Anyway, I see alot of us on here are divorced. why does this stuff happen to christians? We have EVERYTHING we need for life and godliness. I guess down the road, I just want to have a woman who will appreciate me for the things Christ has done in me, is doing in me, and is doing through me. I am *that guy* - the one who sticks out in the crowd. The leader, the one you can trust and the one who you go to for advice. I am that person to my kids, my freinds, my family, my employees, etc How did my marriage fail? is it worth trying again? It has to be. I am made to love. I loved for years and got nothing in return, and loved more because of it. This is not some sappy poor pitty me attempt at attention. I have 5 kids, I have all the attention I need. I guess it's midnight, I finally got custody of my kids, they are finally back with me, but my life feels... hollow... in part. I am satisfied with jesus. I am totaly devoted to God. my vertical needs are met. I miss my help mate... the one I never really had, but prayed for, hoped for, and lost. - alex
Ok, How do I put this. I am generally an open book. I really have nothing to hide in my life, I live and walk around in the light.
Now, as this applies to... argggg... dating, are women (typically) afraid of men who are upfront, open, and honest about where they are in life? When I talk to someone, I tend to just say how i feel about things. I have no concept of how to play *dating games*
I am a serial monogamist.... only VERY long relationships. I have never had a one night stand, never will. so if I start talking to a woman, I kinda ditch the superficial stuff and go right for the heart of things. It's not that I don't try to be tactful, I usualy just have a goal in mind, and that is to find out if the person I am talking to is looking for someone like me, and are they the kind of person I can see myself with. - both hard questions.
I guess what I am asking is, I am a seriously intense person, should I swallow that and mellow out and just ... be... not myself? Just wondering, not that I am scaring anyone off to my knowledge, it's just that I have been told many moons ago that I come on pretty strong.
I wrote this in 2002, You will see my refferences to woman I was married to at the time in it. I kept to this, followed it, but she... didn't but the gist of this is all right on and should work in practice.
I thought this might be of use to all of us who are in the process of trying to find our marriage partners. it is more important to have a right view of marriage going into it, and being the right person, then finding the right person.
Thoughts Vital to a Healthy Christian Marriage
Written by (Me - full name deleted)
October 24th anno 2002
(Author's Note: This is a work in progress. I am adding meat to it and trimming the fat as I read and re read it. I submit it to you now, as it is, hoping you will get the main points. Forgive me if it gets overly wordy in places because I may have tried to say something and were unable to word it more simply. Also because most of my reading is from pre 20th century authors, I tend to word things a bit differently then what is typical for today's contemporary authors. Enough, read on.)
To begin with, reader, I would ask that you prayerfully consider why you are reading this, also to consider, again prayerfully, that you will allow God, to whatever extent he chooses, use this small letter of encouragement to be of use to you and your spouse for the purpose of the betterment of your relationship for His Glory. One other thing I ask is that you presuppose with me that the Bible is True, the revealed Word of God, maintained in accuracy by God's Sovereign design and that it is profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, so that the people of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work. (2nd Tim 3:16)
I began this essay on marriage because of my awareness of circumstances that were occurring around me in the marriages of both believers and non-believers. I felt a desire to do what I could do to encourage them in their relationships and because time simply does not allow, I decided to write out my thoughts so I could distribute them to those I though would benefit from them. As I read this to my darling Susan after I completed the first draft, we both noticed something. This illustration is in fact a description of our relationship. She had tears in her eyes and I realized that I do, in fact, have a woman with whom I share this very kind of relationship. Though it is not in anyway as perfect as the marriage you will read about later, it does have most of the elements I will describe. And as she said to me, "Alex, that sounds just like us, can we really be this lucky?" There are so many problems in marriages today. We both mourn for people around us who seem trapped in relationships that they are unhappy with, complacent in and totally apathetic about reaching higher, pressing harder, and working prayerfully to have a Home that they can take joy in and thank God for. I make it my daily intention to make a practice of treating Susan with care and keep my role as her protector always in mind.
Before I begin there is one primary thing I want to direct your attention to. In order to have a relationship you have to spend time together, and you have to communicate. If you do not talk and share your thoughts and feelings with one another, how can you truly know one another? You have become roommates living two separate lives. Talk, enjoy one another, ask questions, laugh and even weep together when you need to. Become a student of your spouse, study them, learn all you can about them, and apply that knowledge appropriately. Guard the tone of your voice, think before you speak, and always have a ready apology if you say something hurtful. Make certain you are clear and are clearly understood. Susan and I have noticed that the people around us who struggle the most are the ones who don't talk. For whatever reason it be, they are living in ignorance of each others state of heart and mind. Because Susan and I are so open with one another, always challenging, encouraging, making are feelings known, exploring ideas and possibilities we can both tell if the other one is holding something back, or in, hiding something or hurting. I can tell almost immediately if I have said or done something wrong, and I take steps to set things right again. We so rarely argue because we have a high respect for each other's feelings. I know how to approach her about certain things, what to say when she needs a loving word of encouragement, or where my limits are as to the extent of my authority over her. The very last thing you want, or I should say should work the hardest to avoid is to end up at odds with another. One last thing, Time does not heal wounds, God heals wounds. Do not let the sun go down on your anger, but instead prayerfully seek God's ready assistance to bring an end to even the smallest dispute between you. And if you must, if all else fails, agree to disagree, and move on. Love one another as he has loved us.
This isn't intended to be an exhaustive or even particularly detailed essay full of instructions to the husband and wife. I am simply going to draw from my study of scripture, past reading on the subject, personal experience, and conceptions of what would be the highest and greatest picture of a Christian marriage. I intend to give the reader a vision of what is most desirable, what is in fact possible, but not generally actual. What I mean to say is that in most marriages there is a dryness, a complacency, a great lacking in things spiritual which, had they been there, a great deal of things would be better. All things are better when they are submitted to God's will and we allow Him to lead us in his ways. What God offers to the married couple is an incredible thing indeed but unfortunately we never seem to aim high enough, expect enough, or make enough effort to reach the heavens in our relationships. We settle for the quid pro quo, the usual, and the common.
The picture I will try to paint is exceptional, and believe with me, please, that God will make you and your spouse the exception if you set your faces towards him together, decide to shake the dust of our fallen surroundings off your feet and allow him to fit you with angels wings, then you will soar high above the common marriage and see a piece of heaven here on earth.
I understand that every person has their own personality and that each marriage has it's own problems but we must remember that God has been in the business of dealing with man and his wife since the beginning of creation. In fact his intention for marriage has never changed. He is able and willing to work through any personality conflict and through any difficulty by His sovereign power and his great love for us as His children. Well, enough said.
Let's begin with the foundation of things, i.e. The Beginning. In the Book of Genesis we have the written account of the creation of the earth, all living creatures, and finally, Man. Now, the first relationship that God created was between Himself, and the First Man, Adam. They spoke, they interacted, they fellowshipped. After this relationship was begun God created the second relationship, Man and Woman, Husband and Wife, He created Eve for Adam. From reading the account of these events in Genesis chapter 2 we cannot gather a great deal of information as to exactly what Adam and Eve did during the time they were in the Garden, but from verses 22-24 we see the importance of the relationship between husband and wife "For this cause a man shall leave his Father and Mother and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh"
It is interesting to note that when God created Adam it was from the Dust of the earth, but Eve was created from a rib taken from Adam's chest. Woman is created specifically from Man for Man. Women are the dearest earthly gift that God has given to men. Notice also, which part of Adam's body God chose to remove in order to create Eve. It was not a bone taken from his foot that he might rule over her as a dictator, nor did he take a bone from his head that she should have absolute control over him, rather he took a bone from his center, from near his heart, that he might love her, and that she might walk beside him in equality of value and share in all his life's events as a partner instead of as a mere servant or as a master. (An interesting scientific note is that men actually have one less rib then women do.) Adam and Eve were to be a picture of the relationship between man and woman in marriage for the rest of human history. One man, one woman, equal in value, indivisible, and they are to allow no thing and no one to come between them.
Let's look at the chain of events. God created Adam from the dust, in His own image, breathed His own life into Adam and began a relationship with him. Now because God is so infinitely above us he knew that Adam would need a companion suitable for a simpler relationship rather then only that of the creature Man and his Creator God. He knew we would need a relationship that was one of horizontal equality. Our first and primary relationship is between The Lord and ourselves. That is where the central focus of our energy and activity is to be. Our secondary relationship, between husband and wife, is to take primary importance above all other earthly things. Man and woman must both treat their relationship to God as primary, and that to each other as secondary, but these two relationships must never be divided from one another, rather seen correctly and treated in the proper order.
Man and woman must seek Their God both alone and together, alongside of one another, and they must seek the things necessary to a proper marital relationship directly from God from whom every family on earth derives its name. They must encourage one another, challenge one another, pray for and with one another and always view each other as God's greatest earthly Gift. Just as anything that would hinder us in our relationship with God must be avoided, so also we must avoid all things detrimental to our marriage. We must set our hearts to this task with all diligence and a steadfast adamant intent.
The next thing we must consider within the order of these relationships is submission. God is head over man, the final authority, and so woman, created from man and for man is subject to her husband's authority in so far as it is in accordance with what is right before God. Unfortunately in our day and age, unlike biblical times, the word submission has taken on a negative connotation and is very misunderstood. The proper Biblical understanding of submission in a marriage is almost nowhere to be found. The idea of submission truly understood must be viewed through the manner in which the institution of marriage was created. Woman is created to be alongside man, His partner and help mate, but though she be along side him, she is yet subordinate to him. I cannot, without going on endlessly with one example after another, truly describe all that is involved in this. Rather I will give a short description and then follow it with an illustration.
Properly understood, submission is not to be a passive role, in which the woman lays aside any choice or say in the marriage. It is actually a very aggressive role and she is meant to be very active within the decisions and affairs of the marriage. Submission is actually intended to be a help to and a guard for her husband's welfare. Man, in return, is to allow her this and should not try to subdue her in her proper role. Both man and woman should be looking out for each other's best interest as the following illustration will show.
Man and woman, in marriage, walk alongside one another, though man leads her by the hand. Now the husbands role is to make Godly decisions, direct both of them along the proper path, spend wisely, provide adequately, and in most things take the primary responsibility to make certain that the marriage is ever constant in moving towards God for his Glory. Woman, being led properly, must hold his hand, and with respect and trust, follow. She is not an animal on a lease. She, in fact, walks close enough to whisper in her husband's ear. With that gentle voice she can encourage him, advise him, comfort him, and should he find himself blind on the course, be his eyes at times. However, she is never to allow that close whisper to become a shout in order to control or wrongfully manipulate him, to mock him, to try to cause him to stray from the proper path, or to do anything else that would violate her role as his God given help mate and true companion.
Should man begin to follow a wrong path intentionally, leading them to something that would be improper for their relationship before God, she must now begin to show her concern, begin to whisper warnings, and challenge him respectfully. She must also pray that she not succumb to the same temptation that has bewitched him. If he continues she must begin to get more intense, more persuasive, begin to tug on his leading hand to get his attention, pray continually and if all else fails and he refuses her urgings then it is time for her to take up her duty as his protector.
Woman must now play a leading role and use the authority God has given her to protect her husband, her family, and her marriage. She must now stop using only that whisper in his ear, but ready herself with deep prayer, take firm footing, let loose of his leading hand, and with all her strength, grab his arm, bring him to a dead stop, turn him to face her directly, leave off whispering from his side into his ear, and speak directly to him face to face as fellow Christian, a Child of God who has the right and duty to always do what is right before God and not be drawn down a wrong path unwillingly. Her voice must now hold the full weight of her concern, care and righteous authority. Her duty to submit to him ends in any area he is in violation of God's law and tries to force her towards any decision that is not in the best interest of the family.
She must challenge him in his motive and intention, and do all she can to cause him to choose to find again the right course. If he is completely unwilling to do so then she must stay her own course towards God, allow him his time of rebellion, pray constantly for him, continue to encourage him back to the path, and allow God to deal with her husband in His own time and His own way. But she must never feel any responsibility to submit to her husband in anything sinful, or in anything that is harmful to the family.
When the repentant husband does come back to take again his role as the leading partner she must await him on the path, meet him face to face, welcome him back, expecting of course, a proper apology or explanation, and then leave off her defensive stance, take his leading hand, and fall along side him, once more, with her whispering voice and gentle spirit. Thus God is glorified and the marriage resumes its proper form and function.
Man, in turn, has the majority of the responsibility within the marriage. As we see in Ephesians chapter 5 (which I recommend you take time to study together) the husband is to his wife as Christ is to His Church. As Jesus loves the Church and laid down his life for Her, so the Husband must lay down his life for his wife. He must realize that he and his wife are one flesh, and just as he would certainly wish no harm to come to himself so he must also protect her in things both spiritual and earthly.
Let us return to our illustration of the two walking alongside one another along the path of righteousness towards God's ends and Glory. While the wife is holding a gently hand leading her, whispering in her husbands ear, and watching carefully where he sets his feet on the path, the Husband is offering a strong and reassuring arm, speaking in a strong voice as he faces forward and takes sure strides following in the footsteps of Jesus his Lord and King. He is in continual conversation with His God, seeking His will, taking efforts to be a true guide for his wife, leading her out of dangers path and keeping her from temptation. He looks after her welfare more then his own. As he walks he instructs and encourages his wife in her faith with a sure voice. He also pays close attention to his wife's whispers and takes great comfort and pleasure in her companionship. He often glances towards the heavens to gage his position and course, making certain of each step.
Through all this the husband must always keep a discerning eye on his wife, making certain she is not lagging behind, tripping over her feet, loosing her hold on his leading hand. Watching so she stays clear of anything that could entangle her, and along with her, himself. She is the weaker vessel, and needs his strength. At times he may have to carry her should she become too weak to follow. He must hold her close and speak of things lovely, wooing her ever and again to a love for her savior.
The wife is, just like the husband, subject to temptation and prone to wander at times. This is when it is time for him to use his full authority and turn his full attention on her. He must draw her back to her First Love, Jesus. Very importantly he must make sure she does not draw him to wander with her, or let her try to control him and refuse his authority over her to make Godly decisions. He must not be distracted by her voice if it rises above the Godly whisper to a chattering, a bickering, or any wrong tone of voice or manipulating words. He must never allow her to influence him towards wrong by any means. So both the wife and the husband must guard each other and their selves from wandering, avoid any manipulating influence, and walk together unhindered.
One thing that must happen while they are on their sojourn is to find the oasis of God's presence, and rest in him. During this period they sit and face one another and talk, discuss their past, their present, and their future along the course they are on. At other times they will find comfort in each others embrace and enjoy the intimacy that only the two of them can share with each other. This is where they find renewal, speak to their God together, challenge one another in accountability, and consider what is before them. This is also were apologies are made and forgiveness is found.
Thus we have seen the intended relationship between husband and wife as illustrated by a view of two companions, one weaker, one stronger, united together in Christ, finding and following the path God intends for their family.
It is very important that I take time to say a few things regarding the mindset and attitude of these two sojourners. All things that take place between them must always be tempered by love, patience, kindness, unselfishness, righteousness, benevolence, truthfulness, trust, respect, and all the other good and right things that we receive from God and are expected to express to and exhibit in relation to one another. The husband is not the wife's Lord or master, Jesus is. The wife is not the man's highest authority, Jesus is. In all things keep Christ and his earthly example in mind and deeply love one another. Read His word, the Bible and grow in your knowledge of Christ together. Ask God to set his standard at the doorpost of your home and say with the Old Testament saint Joshua "If it is disagreeable in your sight to serve the Lord, Choose this day whom you will serve (whether it be the One true God, or the false gods and beliefs of those who surround you) but as for me and my house, We will serve the Lord."
Finally, apply this illustration to your relationship and make it your means of weighing your decisions and attitude towards one another. Take this high view of marriage, making certain that you never take each other for granted. Live always aware of God's presence and keep each other's welfare in mind. Don't approach your marriage from an atheistic stance, ignoring the Lord and trying to do it on your own. Recognize it was God who brought you together, it was God before whom you made your vows, and it is ultimately God on whom you have to rely for all the things you need for life and Godliness. Go now and embrace one another in the Love God has given you and do what is right before him.
May our heavenly Father lead and guide us all as we move each day further down the path Christ our shepherd has set for us and may he keep the ties that bind us in our marriages beautiful and prosperous. In all things may he be Glorified. Amen.
