A lady partaking on this... Wow, You're most welcome dear!
"This is a wonderful conversation" I'm glad to hear that you funding this a fruitful subject. These are topics we'd rather not talk about for some reasons, yet we're searching and hoping for long term relationships with possible partners who might have gone through the above list of questions and ladies who have never experienced a fathers love. How on earth is she gonna embrace and nourish her partners love if and when she has never experienced parent affection? What will she even offer in the relationship as a girlfriend, fiancee or wife let alone as a mother? How will she pursue her gender calling of 'helping' the other part when she lacks herself? We can only give out of abundance not lack.
It grieves my spirit seeing such disorder in the body of Christ when the world is hoping and expecting answers from us. What are we gonna say when there's so much we need to deal with amongst our selves?
"Your questions relate to a response I gave to a friend over the weekend when I told him, 'Sometimes, it's not about passion. Sometimes it's about self- drive and viewing your life from a different lens compared to others in the same situation.' Many a times someone may succeed in something he or she hates, but it doesn't necessarily mean, this person is passionate about that subject, but because this person realizes that this is a characteristic of a road leading to success and a path through which he or she must succumb to before getting to the Top."
True that dear sis! We're not bringing these sensitive subjects that are so uncomfortable talking about only for the fun of it. Infect there's no fun talking about abuse but coz we may need to start by addressing and dealing with these issues in order to enjoy fruitful relationships keeping in mind the kids who are gonna come out being fruits of those relationships. What are we gonna feed them through behavior and upbringing if we have not dealt with these issues?
Relationships have their own ups and downs that we need to prepare ourselves for, won't it be too overwhelming and frustrating dealing with all at once? Not to mention challenges of parenting from two adults who missed their own experience due to the opening list of questions. That's when marriage is now referred to as 'frustration' not the blessing God has meant it to be.
"I think all the comments posted here are amazing as well." That you can say again sis! I'm grateful seeing how serious my brothers have taken and embraced this topic and giving it their best thoughts. They have so much to offer.
It almost felt like counseling session where I'm being given an assignment of self search and told to be as honest as I can possibly be in answering those questions. This was meant as "How does a boy child..?" but trust me dear one I found my own assignment too being a lady. Assignment of the list of issues to deal with, that begins with honesty as I think and trace back why have I've been single for the previous 10years? With no intention of being in a relationship even now moving forth, crazy hey..?
Is this why I should rather pursue business. Work crazy hours and travel anywhere for business sake? Is that my idea of substituting the reality await me to face and deal with?
Is this where the, "I don't wanna be stuck with husband and kids" coming from?
Could I really be fearful of having an intimate bond with opposite sex and therefore I put friendship in fore front as a wall of defense?
I'm feeling so confused ever since I red your reply (which you're definitely not at fault off. I asked for your opinion from the first place) and very glad that you gave it your best and honest reply.
I feel the urge and challenge of working on finding my true self, yet i'm fearful of leaving familiar grounds and the past that I thought I made peace with for a new adventure that may prove to be totally different from the person that I loved and thought I was.
I have never thought abuse has a potential of traveling such a long mile. It basically ruins one entire life if it won't be dealt with early. Now I can't even imagen what it does to guys coz there's less justice and attention given to them in such cases. It is actually a 'joke' when a guy comes out and say that his being abused.
I know that i'm not making any sense right now. With more questions arising instead of finding answers
Thank you so much for reminding us about our heavenly Father's love, fore only His love can deliver and separate us from our past experiences that have shaped us who we are today.
Your reply is very personal and amazingly filled with wisdom and hope. You've just ministered to me while giving assignment. I'm surely gonna be viewing and reminding my self what you've share ever again for as long as i'm gonna be a member here.
May God shower you with heavenly blessing until your basket overflows!! :applause: :applause:
"Sisygirl, my dove.....when I made the statement of friendship at the onset of any relationship being a basic foundation, it was more of a general statement. It was not so much referring specifically to your comments that at times it may be worth a brand new experience, but not skipping the basic stages of starting over as friends with new interests. Personally, I'd want to do whatever it takes to salvage a friendship where I see possibilities.......see gratifying worth!"
Ofcause darling sis you were speaking on a general note. It was only after you've share your first reply when I realized that I wasn't really specific of what I meant too when suggested a new experience altogether. Don't worry dear I didn't take it personal. :nahnah:
Now moving forth to the current subject inspired by the above qoated paragraph from you which I fully agree with:
Let's say,
You've been here for a longer period like you have been already. With your disappointments which you've mentioned previously, just when you consider deactivating your account here, you meet someone who doesn't have a photo on his profile. You two interact and enjoy each others company. With time he eventually starts getting in your system, in a way that when you think of him, he reaches out as if he knew that you were just thinking of him.
When you're not in a very good mood from whatever that may have caused you not to feel right at that specific time, he sends you a joke that makes you laugh to tears. :ROFL:
Suddenly there's a desire in you of hearing his voice now that you comfortable enough to entrust him with your cell#.
The bond is getting stronger with time since there's participation from both parties. It gets stronger to a point of connecting in spirit also in a way that, he shares a passage that you meant to share with him. You don't even tell him that you meant to share that with him. His prayers for you through emails are flowing on the same pace with what you prayed for him about.
You mention your worst fears about relationships, he keeps telling you that the right person will come along. You should only focus on reserving his space in your heart. Now you can't help thinking its him looking at how well you connect. How happy you feel when thinking of him. How often your thoughts revolve around him daily. How you can't help telling your friends about him. How much you now believe in this.
Until curiosity won't let you be silent any more. You ask him to send you his photo, he rather offers to meet you inperson on a date only to find his not even close to what attracts you physically which was his fear all along that if you see him without getting to know his inner being, he may not stand a chance pursuing his future with you.
Will you let go inspite of how he makes you feel and how well you connect just coz lookwise his not onn? :excited:
You making perfect sense friendship as I read your loaded and detailed reply over and over again. Yes there's more focus on the problem and less attention on solution. Think it goes down to the lack of knowledge on how to go about solving the issue, so there's more focus on what we know and are sure off which is the problem one goes through, and less attention on solution since one doesn't know anyway how and where to start solving these issues.
I'm then amazed of the crisis that kept crossing my mind as reading your reply. If there are numerous ladies out there who grew up lacking parent affection as I stated on the other section, then happen to find a partner either here on line or inperson,... Can you imagine that combination of couple if the guy grew up experiencing the number of question I asked in the opening massage? And the lady having her own issues to get through in learning to accept and express back affection expressed to her by her partner? It's two individuals in need of help with the other part (the lady) expected to help her partner when she also has her own issues to get through.
Your 10minutes strategy's a good idea of practicing to let go. I'm gonna implement that on my daily activities. Its amazing how hectic one gets and forget to just give 10minutes to self. Though up bringing leaves one with deeper wounds that needs serious deliverance through Christ Jesus and professional help also. Having said this I do not even mean to take lite or undermine what you shared. That was very thoughtful and highly appreciated, thank you!
How does a boy child learn how to love when he was left alone to himself with no form of example to look up to when growing up?
How does he grow and become a secure man when the father has abundant him too when breaking up with the mother?
How will he learn how to control his anger when his example is anger?
How does he learn how to communicate when communication is always in form of hostility and yelling, because his never heard and recognized?
How does he learn how to respect himself when there was no respect given him as a child and shown value?
How does a boy become a man when there is no man in his life?
These and more questions are in my heart, with another one posted on "Advice on love and dating" as one of these questions though i'm more referring to a women (myself) on that one.
Dear brothers we ladies see and expect so much from you. We see leaders and good husbands. Great fathers and brothers. Best friends whom we should be able to pour our heart to when need to be listened to.
There's such desire in us to help you not coz you reflect any lack in you, simply coz you trigger and bring out our female nature of assisting. But now how do we help out when we only met yesterday with the above mentioned issues to deal with before a man in you can come out? How can a willing lady to accept you as you currently are with a condition of partnering with God in helping and being a tool He uses in bringing out the best suppressed and hidden in you from your childhoods experiences? (If one didn't grow up in a healthy warm normal home)
How do we use our God's given wisdom to manifest our gender calling of being "your helpers" without threatening the relationship with the same wisdom God has entrusted us with in being blessings not threats to you or the relationship itself? It's very easy to think i'm judging you and intending to control and change you when in actual fact we (me and God) are working on bringing out the best in you and YES the process may seem harder and most probably stir fights and arguments before we can enjoy fruits of your changed man coming forth.
Thank you dear ones for speaking your minds on this.
Eschaton was humbled when added in your list of favorites, thank you so much dear! :glow:
"Sorry for the bluntness but it is a real point of confusion and I don't know how to soften that subject"
You don't have to apologize for speaking your heart dear one. I'm more interested in conversations were we speak about real issues of life. We may decide to turn a blind eye and be all silent as if all is well, fact is we are going through these daily challenges. Not talking about them doesn't mean they not there.
�
And yes dear this subject is more sensitive than I thought. The moment there's kids involved, there's much to bear in mind concerning your kids, your self and your partner's best interest at heart. This puts more pressure on you as the middle person in this whole thing. With you it begins with honest self search before bringing an extra person in this. The last thing you need is bringing a woman coz you're more interested in her mothering your kids since their mother's almost not there. That would really be a selfish step my brother with a package of drama in the midst. NB... Having said this I by no means mean that you're selfish, get me right on that please dear
I'm from step parenting childhood. Trust me it can turn out to be hectic at times. Most (if not all) well meant things turn out to be issues working against the step parent. She may not even rebuke your kids on basic kids false without being told that she's not their mother. This may cause a fight between you two if communication lacks and intentions are misunderstood.
With your kids on the other hand who'll be expecting their daddy's full support always even when at false just coz blood should be thicker than water. You must always be a neutral person in all issues, supporting both parties without taking sides or else you'll be opening a whole that you might regret when working against your family.
Again things may work out just fine... Only God know better
