I recently read a couple of book by Kristen Billerbeck. They were two of the books in the "Ashley Stockingdale" series. Guys, you wouldn't like them, so don't bother...they fall into the category of Christian chick lit. Girls, you ought to read them just for the fun of it! Anyway...
In these books, there is a church singles' group that one of the characters likes to refer to as "The Reasons." She says that every person in that group has an obvious reason (or multiple reasons!) for being single. But she can't figure out what her own reason is. She knows she must have one, because everyone else does.
Long story short, the book is about her attempts to find a guy. All she wants is a "Christian guy who doesn't live with his mother -- and maybe a Prada handbag." She feels like "the last item left on the clearance rack" as one great guy after another snaps up the cute 21 year old girls while she (at 31) is completely overlooked. Guys go to her for dating advice, but never think to ask her out. Yeah, the one-liners get corny and predicable after a while, but basically the book gets the life and outlook of a single girl just exactly right.
As I was reading these books, I kept thinking to myself "I've been saying that for years!" and "Wow...she just described exactly how that situation would feel to a single girl." It was a little freaky, actually. Like she studied MY thoughts and MY life and MY singles' group before she wrote the book!
So, now that I've given WAY too much background for my simple question... :rolleyes:
Do you find that you can look around your church singles' group (if you have one) or your single friends and notice all of their "reasons" for being single?
I can, and it's a little scary. Makes me wonder what MY reason is, and if it is as obvious as their reasons.
No comments, just thoughts and my own experiences...
It is being suggested by society at large, but also by our social circles and perhaps even family, that still being single at a certain age is very uncommon.
And it is even far more suggested, that those singles, must be lacking something essential, if not, they would have by long had a spouse.....
People are so used to being brought up with the idea that, later when you are grown, you find love, get married, have children and be a grandparent one day - once this stream is not going as such, people start to wonder
and if they would only stick to the wondering....
no they must comment about it (here come the reasons in...) and as if that is not enough, they want to assist in solving the problem....(and start to invite you to these innocent dinners at their home where by the cheerest coincidence is just one other single "friend" present.....)
I have the feeling that singles ARE MADE to believe that there are reasons for them to be (and stay) single as it is a very frightening idea that the "horror" of staying single might happen to just anyone....
So we prefer to think that it only happens justly and rightly to those from whom we can all see that it is for a set of very specific, (and obvious) reasons why that particular person is still single
Fortunately my church/congregation has not started with single groups.... as church has been my only haven where I am treated as a whole, full person.... a welcome oasis in the world of the normal married...
Those books sound very interesting and like many books out there they do refer to many peoples real life stories.
My singles church group is made up of younger women, from the ages of 21 to about 45. Some are single never been married and some have been divorced for various reasons.
They concentrate on Living single as a Christian not on finding a spouse. Our single conferences are on living Single.
It teaches You not to search for a mate.
Actually, most women know why they are single. I have friends, who have told me things why they are single.
Most have experienced similar things in relationships they
have had. Also Including myself.
In do time, God will provide a mate, if one is for Us.
Most of us who are single are single for a good reason. I would say that it is rarely because of bad luck, or because there is just not someone out there, it�s because we are not doing the right things to find someone. It�s a lot like the saying, �If you want to have friends, you have to be a friend.� If you want to be married, then you need to be those things that will attract a spouse. So many of us either do not wish to change, or do not know what we are doing wrong. For those who feel like that �special someone� will just have accept them the way they are, I have no feelings of sympathy for them. If they are unwilling to change or learn how to be a good spouse, that�s there loss.
What really hurts is when someone like me begs and begs for help, and everyone just smiles and tells you that there is nothing wrong, and you don�t need to change. Everyone needs help with relationships from time to time. But, for some reason everyone things that it�s not worth helping people until they are about to go through a divorce. What is so wrong with telling people the truth and helping them out?
Y'all both have some good comments! My singles group doesn't teach us NOT to look for a mate, but neither do we focus on finding a mate. All of us are in our mid- to late- 20s, with the oldest two people having just turned 30. As far as I know, no one in the group has been married before. And you know what? They are ALL really great people. I love spending time with the group. It's just that I can look at some of them, and think "Yeah, I can see why they are still single." So far, no one's tried to match up any of us in the group...though I'm pretty sure that we've all been "set up" at some point with people outside the group!
The down-side to our group is that we don't really have a "leader" who is older and more mature. For several years, an older couple in the church sort of took us under their wings and treated us like we were their grandkids...but they haven't been able to do that as much lately due to health problems. :-(
Another interesting thing about our group is that the church didn't start it...some of the single people started it because they just felt that they were in a different life stage than everyone else. They weren't in college anymore, yet they weren't married. Even though they would have been welcomed in any number of Sunday School classes and small groups, they felt out of place. So they formed a group they called the "Young Professionals" group, and it's open to singles who are out of college, in graduate school, or already in the work force (or looking for a job, as is the case with a couple people!) We meet during Sunday School each Sunday, and then we also meet on Sunday night (our church just has small groups on Sunday nights) for a potluck dinner and prayer time. In addition, we get together other times for birthdays, holidays, football games, left-overs feasts, etc.
What sorts of singles groups do all of you have? Or if you aren't part of a singles group, is that your choice, or a forced choice because there isn't one at attend even if you wanted to?
Cobbler, I didn't see your post before I submitted my own (I've been working on my reply during my breaks at work this morning).
I agree that if there is something keeping us from getting married, we should work on changing that. But some things are VERY hard to change, even when we know that they aren't helping us. For example, I think my reason (or one of my reasons) is that I'm not flirty enough. It's hard to let a guy know I'm interested if I can't flirt with him. I KNOW I don't flirt; people tell me that I don't. But no matter how hard I try, and no matter how much I work on it, I just can't seem to flirt enough to let a guy know "Hey, I'm interested and would love to go out with you." I guess I could take the blunt approach, and actually TELL him that, but most of the guys that I would be interested in would run the other way if I did that!
It IS frustrating when all you hear is "You're great, I don't know why you are single." People tell me that all the time (even single guys who apparently have no interest in dating me). I've asked friends, family, and coworkers if they can see some flaw for me to work on, and no one can come up with anything other than working on my flirting skills. My mom told me I come across as very mature, and that it might intimidate guys. OK...I'm 28. I thought maturity was a GOOD thing?
(What sorts of singles groups do all of you have? Or if you aren't part of a singles group, is that your choice, or a forced choice because there isn't one at attend even if you wanted to)
I am Older and do not belong to the singles group at church.
I have gone to the singles conferences given on occassion and they are really good and Bible based on living single before marriage.
Our church teaches that man should persue the woman like the bible teaches. HE who finds a wife finds a good thing.
In Proverbs. KJV
These ladies do activities together.
So this group is just active doing things.
The group was started by a single lady about 7 yrs now, who thought there should be a singles group in the church.
She got married just this past July and she is about 33.
And, lady from that group got married she was 43. Also
another lady in her 30's got married just 2wks ago.
So they are getting married. :laugh:
I think that some people can meet the right person, who
really wants to get married. Many do not want marriage
and like dating....for ever. lol
We all have the capablity to attract good mate, all we have to do is meet the right person.
I agree that with a lot of people, it's obvious why they are single. Honestly, I know some married people that I wonder how anybody could stand. So, it's a mix of needing self-improvement and finding someone willing to put up with you :).
Seriously though, sometimes it's not your personality that isn't winning people over. It can also be your availability to the type of person you are looking to win over. If you don't/ can't get out much, or your hobbies are generally geared towards your own gender, it is hard to figure out where to find a mate or how they are supposed to find you. Or like another woman had said, she doesn't know how to flirt. I can't do it either!! No one really says what is wrong with me. I am an observer though, so I notice qualities or behaviors that I admire in others and that gives me something to work towards in my own life. Self-improvement is always a good idea.
Before I mention anything about church groups, I should mention I've moved a few times in recent years, just so nobody gets confused.
At my first church, in Minnesota, we had a Sunday school class for college and single professionals. It was run by two married couples. We had members who were starting their freshman year in college and one member who was probably in his 40s, but I'm not completely sure. We never talked about dating or marriage, we just studied God's Word.
At my church in South Carolina, the church was too small for a singles group. Many of 20-somethings were either dating or married. In fact, the last few weeks before I moved to North Dakota, I was the only truly single person in the church.
As far as my church in North Dakota is concerned, the church is too small for a singles group. Never mind the fact that I don't know who would classify as a singles group person, I'm just trying to get to know people in the church right now.
People in college asked me all the time why I was single (no one does now). I never really gave them the reasons, and I won't spill them now. I'll just say, "I have my reasons." :ROFL:
I understand about tiny churches! The church I grew up in never really had enough people to have any sort of singles group. Every once in a while, we'd have 2-3 people who fit into a "college and career" sort of group, so the church would find a teacher and start a "college and career" class. Those classes never lasted very long for some reason. I started going in a multi-generational ladies Sunday School class as soon as I was old enough.
Then, in the summer of 2010, some things happened at that church that made me take a hard look at whether or not God wanted me to stay there. I felt strongly that God was telling me to leave, but I didn't know where He wanted me to go. I took a temporary position as organist at another tiny church (again, no singles group at all).
About the time that position ended, someone suggested a particular church. I tried it, and liked it. The church has an attendance of around 1500 people each week. They have a HUGE college group...probably well over a hundred students each week. They also have two singles groups. One is for younger singles who aren't in college, and the other is the "Young Professionals" group that I go to. Each group probably averages 15 people we week. I've met the people in the other group, and they are nice, but I found that I have a lot more in common with the people in my group. Anyone who feels too "old" to come in one of those groups has several other choices of classes. I never thought I'd like a "big" church (and yes, I know it's small compared to some churches!), but I'm enjoying the opportunities at this one.
Small church?! We average about 12 people on a Sunday service (and if I can say this without risking judgement), probably only half of which are believers. Oh yeah, that and the average age being about 56 and increasing - guess I won't be finding my future wife there unless she's about to move to the area.
Ditto for my job; very few women in I, my hobbies (camping and caravanning) - usually the preserve of married couples with kids. In short, I'm only likely to meet someone online.
Mind you, the more I think about it, for my 33 years, single life is pretty much all I've known. It's a lifestyle I know and an am comfortable with most days. I doubt whether I'm really capable of changing to being half of a partnership now - certainly past experiences show it to be less than successful...
Oh and in case you're reading, Beth, you're cute, sexy and have brains to back it up with! Now, how would you respond to that???
