Girls, I need your opinion on something. Guys, feel free to comment as well!
I've been talking to this guy online (we met on another site, not CDFF) for about three weeks. When he first contacted me, I was hesitant to communicate with him because of a few minor red flags in his profile (no dealbreakers, just stuff that made me go "huh?" and look quizzical). He lives about 6 hours away, so that also is a bit of an issue for me. Anyway, long story short, I decided to give him a chance, and the first couple weeks of communication were surprisingly good. For the past week, though, I've had an uneasy feeling about things. None of them are flat-out dealbreakers, but here are a few of the things that concern me.
1) He'd told me that trips to GA weren't really possible for him because of finances, but that he was planning to move to GA within a year. (I say: So...he can move here, but he can't visit here?)
2) He said that he was specifically looking for a girl who lived at least several hours away from him because he had no desire to marry someone local...he wants to move away from that area as soon as possible. (I say: Um, I don't want to be his ticket out of town.)
3) He admitted that he has no close friends, has a few friends who live far away, and has only a very few acquaintances nearby. (I say: Well, I noticed that he isn't smiling in any of his profile pictures...maybe he's not a friendly person?)
4) I've sensed some bitterness in a few of his emails...like he wants to blame others for some of the "problems" with his life. (I say: Why does he have to prove that nothing is his fault by pointing fingers at others?)
5) He's already talking about our future together...yet he hasn't even mentioned moving off-site so that we can continue to talk via personal email...and I'm honestly not sure right now if I'd be comfortable giving him my email address if he DID ask! (I say: He shouldn't talk about our future together until he's at least told me his last name!)
6) A few times, I took longer than normal to answer a message, and more than once he's sent a second message as if he's trying to remind me that he's waiting for a response. (I say: I have a full-time job and 2 part-time jobs, and an actual, real, not-online life! If I take 24 hours to answer his message, he needs to learn to deal with it!)
Am I being paranoid and over-analyzing this (as I often tend to do)? Or do you think I have legitimate reasons to feel uneasy? Like I said, these aren't really dealbreakers, just concerns. If I need to end communication, I need to do so before either of us get emotionally invested in the online "relationship." Right now, I'm at the point where I cringe when I see that I have yet another message from him.
On a positive note, there are a couple guys (one in particular) that I'm communicating with whose emails are greatly enjoyed and anticipated!
we, women, are really intuitive by nature (there's a scientific explanation to that but it's not necessary to discuss it here) so u better listen to the "red flag"
I don't want to speak ill of someone I've never known (and only have one person's description of), but I think this may be a case of trying to run before learning to walk - on his part.
Think through the following; not assuming that they *are* accurate or *will* happen, but be realistic and honest with yourself:
1) Moving to a different area is a big commitment and needs a whole lot of preparation in advance. Does he have a job to come to? Somewhere to live when he arrives? If he's talking of marrying you then presumably he'd expect to move in with you when he arrives (married then or not)? Would you have to support him while he finds work or trains to become a pastor?
2) Why does he want to leave not just his current town, but the whole area, and quickly?! As with point 1 above, it's not something you do on a whim. Is there something he's running away from (be that a very real problem such as the law or bad guys, or something emotional he feels he can't handle)? Is he well known, for the wrong reasons, in his location?
3) With the best will in the world, even a couple in love will have times when they can't stand to be together - even if only for a day - and those times are when you really appreciate your friends. Has he got any friends in your area already? Does he sound like the type that doesn't make friends? What if things turn sour between you; who will he have to turn to then? (he should be asking himself these questions already)
4) Negativity towards others may just be a character trait that you have to accept, but refer to point 2 - is he angry with people because he's earned a bad reputation and feels it misjudged?
5) It's fairly common to rush into things and this particular subject has been done to death here already, but again, has he thought things through? I'm assuming you haven't met in person yet so speaking of marriage and stuff now is irrelevant at best, however as most women, especially if they're still single when they head towards their thirties, are eager to be married, then he could be offering it as a 'carrot' to you. Keep your head, even if you really badly do want to settle down and marry!
6) Unfortunately there's no accepted norm for how quickly people should respond. His expectations are clearly different to your own, but that's not necessarily a problem.
I think Cobbler's advice was spot on: he really needs to move and sort out an independent life for himself (if nothing else, so he has friends that he can turn to and somewhere to live and work) before considering marrying someone. Of course, I'd temper that with the occasions in scripture where God told people to "up and off" without them knowing where they would stay or how they would make ends meet in advance; but even in Biblical times, that was rare and I don't recall it ever being for the purpose of marriage.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. I sent this guy some more pointed questions last night, and so far he hasn't answered...I didn't exactly "call him out" on anything, but I hope I opened the door for him to clarify some of the red flags. Hmm...it's been more than 24 hours since I messaged him...maybe I need to send HIM a reminder! :goofball:
Dkj, to respond to some of the things you brought up, here are some more thoughts of mine in regards to my 6 "red flag" points.
1) You said: Moving to a different area is a big commitment and needs a whole lot of preparation in advance. Does he have a job to come to? Somewhere to live when he arrives? If he's talking of marrying you then presumably he'd expect to move in with you when he arrives (married then or not)? Would you have to support him while he finds work or trains to become a pastor?
I say: He's lived in GA before, but it's been quite a few years (maybe a decade). As far as I know, he doesn't have a job lined up, as he plans to start a church of his own. I assume that he does not have a place to live here, or he'd already be living in GA. As for supporting him, I don't know...I guess if he didn't have work, I would have to...but I don't exactly make a lot of money. Oh, and the area he wants to move to is far enough away from where I live that I would have to quit my job if we did end up married. In this economy, it's anyone's guess whether or not I would find another job.
2) You said: Why does he want to leave not just his current town, but the whole area, and quickly?! As with point 1 above, it's not something you do on a whim. Is there something he's running away from (be that a very real problem such as the law or bad guys, or something emotional he feels he can't handle)? Is he well known, for the wrong reasons, in his location?
I say: I think he is trying to escape a couple of things, such as the small town he lives in, and his family...ok, so it's just his mother, but he does live with her and acts like he can't stand it.
3) You said: With the best will in the world, even a couple in love will have times when they can't stand to be together - even if only for a day - and those times are when you really appreciate your friends. Has he got any friends in your area already? Does he sound like the type that doesn't make friends? What if things turn sour between you; who will he have to turn to then? (he should be asking himself these questions already)
I say: My thoughts exactly. I don't know if he has friends in GA, but I'm assuming he might at least know some people here. When I asked him about friends, he asked if Jesus counts. He wouldn't even tell me about any friends who lived far away.
4) You said: Negativity towards others may just be a character trait that you have to accept, but refer to point 2 - is he angry with people because he's earned a bad reputation and feels it misjudged?
I say: It's a character trait that could be accepted, but I also find it to be annoying and even depressing at times. I like to see the good in people as much as possible, and I try (though I don't always succeed) to not place blame where it doesn't belong.
5) You said: It's fairly common to rush into things and this particular subject has been done to death here already, but again, has he thought things through? I'm assuming you haven't met in person yet so speaking of marriage and stuff now is irrelevant at best, however as most women, especially if they're still single when they head towards their thirties, are eager to be married, then he could be offering it as a 'carrot' to you. Keep your head, even if you really badly do want to settle down and marry!
I say: No, we haven't met in person, we haven't talked on the phone, and we haven't even emailed off-site. Speaking of marriage is definitely irrelevant, but I try to keep in mind that it's a dating site, and we are both obviously looking for a spouse. I'm just not in quite as big a hurry, apparently! I wonder if I'm the first person (or maybe the ONLY person) he's communicated with? If so, he might feel that since I answered his message, we are supposed to assume that we are "meant to be." I know that when I first joined a dating site, I felt like every single guy that talked to me could be "the one." It took a little while to realize that I might talk to dozens of guys before finding someone that even had potential!
6) You said: Unfortunately there's no accepted norm for how quickly people should respond. His expectations are clearly different to your own, but that's not necessarily a problem.
I say: That's true, but he must be pretty dense...I've told him more than once that I answer messages as soon as I can, but it might not be immediate!
Thanks for the answers, but when I posted the questions I meant these as things you should be asking yourself rather than us needing to know.
If he's lived in GA (what is that?) before then it's less of a surprise he wants to move there now, and I can relate to the bit about cutting loose from the apron strings! Also if he's not moving to your immediate area then that's less pressure on you (but it needs to be him moving to the area and getting himself sorted first, not moving in with you and expecting you to then move with him to the other area) - but as you say, with no guaranteed job this is a concern.
Have to admit, I'm a little concerned about the bit where he wants to start a new church: this is understandable in countries where there are very few churches and people haven't heard the Gospel, but somehow the US doesn't strike me as that kind of place! What I'm really asking is, why would he want to start a new church rather than attending an existing one? Theological differences perhaps? Also, where would he get his congregation from?
Dkj, GA is Georgia, the state where I live in the United States! Sorry about that...I shouldn't have abbreviated!
I know you mostly asked those questions to give me things to think about, but sometimes writing out my thoughts and getting feedback helps too.
Right now, I'm planning to either end communication, or ask him to get his own life sorted out before we continue to talk. Red flags aside, I think that getting to know a guy should be enjoyable, and I should look forward to his messages. That isn't the case with this guy. Also, it's not right for me to lead him on with continued communication when I'm so unsure about him.
Thanks for all the advice, folks! This really helped me think through some things, and gave me some different perspectives and ideas.
I was wondering about all these kinds of things recently. It seems like one out of every ten men acts exactly like us females... i.e. extremely needy, unable to communicate those needs without sounding demanding.
I've heard men say that neediness is unattractive. So it works both ways, and I guess what the needy person needs to do (in this case the man) is explain his standards that need to be met, in order for him to have a fulfilled relationship.
The thing about online dating is that nothing is assumed. Unless you've discussed a future, one member of the communication should not assume that its there. The only thing that is there is what you both agree on together.
There are definitely some red flags there, Pianogal. And the fact that some of the issues are red flags to you, makes them red flags, even if they are not for someone else.
But one thing is also true, and its that we are all guilty of hijacking something that is good, literally attacking and demolishing it, out of fear, because so few things are good. Its almost easier to deal with difficulties than it is with smooth times, because you're memory is so full of situations in the past that did not work out perfectly, although they were good to start with.
So, just like a clingy person can have the affect of pushing someone away, or run the risk of being unattractive; our fears involving situations that seem to be working out can do the exact same thing to.
It's still good to be careful. But, communication and taking things as they come, and being realistic are also important too.
Often times women/men view relationships starting online; however; I say relationships start after you meet face-face and still keep communication and talking about a future.
Most people that meet online LONG distance never meet face-face. I wouldn't worry about this guy. It will soon play out for him; Unless he is a serious guy. Talking online about the future means nothing most times. Men do that all the time online to see where they can go with the woman.
