I see many profiles that state that you ladies would like to be just friends first. For all you ladies that have that in your profile, what does that mean to you? What things would you not want to do when you are being �just friends�?
I know the plural of anecdote isn't necessarily data, but with the girls I did the whole "we're just going to be friends first" thing with, our relationships didn't last nearly as long as the girls I didn't put up any pretenses with. We met through friends, got to know each other well enough, I asked 'em out, and soon enough we started dating officially. The internet is different, sure, but you very rarely don't know who there's potential with fairly quickly.
That said, the guys proposing marriage before email #3 are taking things way too fast!
Godslamb does have a point� in my first week on here my inbox was flooded with virtual marriage proposals. I�m curious if having the �friends first� stipulation on the profile made any difference in that area.
But like with what Tulip said, those guys just aren�t being realistic. They DO make it easier to narrow down your choices, if you know what I mean. However, I am starting to see why some women might put add that to their profiles, but let it be known that that can be misinterpreted, like how I did. :goofball:
I guess, if there is a lady with which you would like to correspond, ask her what that means to her.
I too have a few friends who were extras in Gods & Generals, and Gettysburg. A couple of them had to be Yankees in the movies, but I'm not holding it against them, too much. haha
Dixie: I�m sorry, but I am the youngest in the family.
I have never asked anyone to marry me, I have only sent flowers to one woman, and that was after writing to her for a month, and they were only red carnations which are simply a sign of admiration, nor do I talk about �a future together�. I don�t even ask to be �boyfriend and girlfriend�, never had a chance to get to that point. I want to hold off on kissing as long as I can, at least until after I am engaged. I don�t try to hug them all the time, or put my hands all over them. I want nothing more than to be friends. I can do my own cooking, I am neither here nor there on having kids, I don�t need a maid, the only thing I am looking for is a best friend.
But, it seems that no matter what I do, women almost instantly feel that I am desperately wanting to get married to anything that has two legs and a pulse. I just don�t understand, no matter what I do it is misinterpreted as a desperate attempt to be married. Even my own family thinks that I am desperate to marry just about anyone. Nothing could be further from the truth, which some of the women on this site can attest to.
It is so frustrating because when I ask why they feel that I am desperate, they can�t give me any specifics, just that I am moving too fast. But when I ask them what I can do differently, all they can tell me is to �move slower�. That�s not very helpful. No one can tell me what I am doing that is so �desperate�, they just know that I am.
@siylii- If I do ask them what they mean by �just being friends�, they get frustrated because if I have to ask, then I must therefore want to be more than just friends, and therefore I must be desperate to get married. There is no way I can be right if I have to ask.
I just don�t know what to do anymore because no matter what I do, it always get misinterpreted as some desperate attempt to be married.
I don't think there is anything desperate about actively seeking a partner. As long as you are contacting women, then you are on the right track. Just don't underestimate the power of small talk -- that can help some women not feel as rushed into things. Does that make any sense?
It seems your best bet right now is too keep doing what your doing and pray that God will provide the special woman you are seeking. He has a plan, and He will provide in His time!
I not trying to be mean, I know you mean well, but I just don�t understand. Your advice, to keep doing what I am doing and to pray about it, really makes no sense to me. What I am doing now causes women to panic and run away. So everyone�s advice is to keep doing what I have done before, which causes women to panic and run away. I really don�t see how that is going to change things.
There�s an old saying: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity.
I have been at this for over 15 years and have done nothing but fail. What do I have to do before someone realizes that I need help?
How often do you write them? Once a day, every other day? Maybe try to let a day or two go by before you answer their letters. I don't like when someone pushes to try and find out my name or where I live. I do it when I feel that I know someone better. There are a lot of CRAZY people out there, remember the "Craigslist Killer"? Don't push and ask too many questions? Keep it light, let the girl set the pace. Hope this helps :)
I usually try to follow the pace that she sets. If she waits a few days, I will wait. If she responds the next day, I will wait a day. I have also corresponded with someone who wrote me three to four times a day. I try not to push, but with not being able to read someone, since I can�t read their body language, or pick up on any subtle queues, it is purely a matter of guessing. And so far I have guessed wrong.
Almost feel like the character in Indiana Jones, The Last Crusade: �He chose� poorly�
I think I understand your frustration. Let me make sure I have your line of thought correct: it sounds like you are doing the "right" thing, but since it's not working, it can't truly be the "right" thing. You are already doing everything we girls would normally suggest. So, you need some different suggestions, or at least something concrete to go on, right?
Here is something a little different that you might consider. You say in your profile that you tend to follow courtship principles. There is nothing wrong with that. The whole idea of courtship is to get to know someone to see if marriage to that person is a good idea. I have also believed it to mean that sometimes "love" in that relationship is a choice made from a logical standpoint, rather than a "wonderful feeling in the pit of my stomach." I know a lot of couples who courted, and have great marriages.
So, your best bet might be to simply not "date" but "court" instead. Make your intentions known right off, so the girl understands WHY you are getting to know her, and so that she understands the direction that you plan to take. Of course, you have to realize that you are in a minority when it comes to courtship ideas. You might not find a girl on a dating site who is willing to court.
That is where a trusted, (probably) older adult/couple could prove to be your best ally. Ask if he or she knows a single, never-before married girl in her 30s who would like to be married, and then ask that person to tell you a little about her. If she sounds like a girl you would be interested in, get your older friend to introduce you to her, or at the very least find a couple of group settings for you to observe and/or meet her.
The older friend would not have to keep the reason for the introduction a secret, but it might be easiest for both of you if she doesn't meet you with the thought of "he's meeting me to see if he's interested in me...oh, the pressure!" If you like what you see of her, ask the older friend to prepare the way for your more "official" request to court her. If the girl is not interested in you at all, she will be far more comfortable telling that older friend "no" than she will be telling you "no" when you express interest.
I know that what I suggested is probably nothing new to you. I basically outlined the way my best friend met her husband. She told me that it was a huge relief not to have to guess at the status of their relationship. She also made a conscious decision to love him; that made their marriage more solid from the beginning because it wasn't based on flighty emotions.
I hope I'm not just restating what you have already tried. It's hard to give advice when I don't know you, and when I don't know what exactly you've done in the past. I hope this will help at least a tiny bit, though.
