Author	Thread: Not sure what to do next(guys are welcome also)
Admin	Not sure what to do next(guys are welcome also) Posted : 15 May, 2012 12:57 PM Ok so I had a question/concern that Im trying to figure out. Its kind of a long story but stay with me. This all started about 5 months ago. Five months ago I decided to move from home when I was done with school. In the process I was introduced to a girl that lives near where I am going to be moving to. We talked back and forth on the phone and texted for about a month and a half. And we really hit it off and seem to have a lot in common. So I decided to go and visit her and we went out on a double date with two of her friends and we really hit it off well. I talked with her about it after I got home and we both enjoy each others company but decided that we should take it slow and just be friends till I get moved down there. A couple more months go by and during that time I don�t think that there was a day where we didn�t talk or txt each other. So in the middle of March I visited again and we hung out, went to dinner, and she also invited me to a game night with her friends. I had a absolute blast btw. We have continued talking and texting, and again I don�t think a day has gone by where one of us hasn�t texted or called each other. And its about a 50 50 split, Its not just me calling or texting. And at this point she has began to open up to me and tell me some pretty personal stuff about her past relationships and how God has really helped her through it. She told me that she was hurt really bad in her last two relationships , and that she has some trust issues and that when someone tries to get close to her she starts pulling away kinda like a dog that has been abused. Which I told her that I completely understand and that I don�t want to be another guy that hurts her and we have been really open with each other. This was all just after I got home the second time that we talked about this. We are still talking but recently it has seemed to change. It seems as the closer the time comes for me to move down there, which is in a couple days the more she seems to be kind of acting different. She sent me a txt the other day and it went like this � I just kinda felt like something�s missing between us as far as a relationship goes. And I�ve talked with (her best friend) about it a lot and she brought up the point that what if it�s cause you don�t live here yet and we�ve only got to hang out a few times. Which is true. But that�s why I said I don�t want to put expectations on us. Because yes something could develop, but I don�t want to try and force anything. In a relationship its just gotta come natural. But it�s been weighing heavy on my heart for a few days, I know we already talked about it but I felt like I should go in depth about why I said what I did. But I just want you to know where my heart is cause I don�t want either of us having expectations in the place and getting hurt ya know?� And I told her that it is completely understandable and that I don�t want either of us to get hurt. And I�ve been praying every night for Gods guidance in this that I�m doing the right thing. It just kinda threw me off when she said that there is something missing as far as a relationship goes. We have so much in common and we hit it off so well. I enjoy being around her and hate to say it but I�m kinda falling for her�lol She has a strong passion for the Lord and is pretty much everything that I�ve been looking for. I�m just not sure how to approach this once I�m moved down there in a couple days. Is she not interested or is this her way of pulling away when someone truly gets close to her. I�m just kinda confused, and unsure what to do next. I don�t want to end up being stuck as a friend but also don�t want to end up pushing and hurting her. Any input would be great Post Reply
View Profile History	Not sure what to do next(guys are welcome also) Posted : 15 May, 2012 01:51 PM Wow...this is really heavy stuff for only knowing each other for such a short time. Her honesty about the past and relationships is comendable and your honesty to go slow for niether of you want nor need to be hurt is also. Maybe she hasnt worked through the past and let it go yet or she is afraid of making a mistake again....only God really knows the whys... One thing I will share with you is that the "feelings" you have for her must be put into God's hands as well as the currant relationship. Feelings are not fact and can be misleading to the point of thats all the relationship is based on is Feelings & Emotions...the real test of a Lasting GOD Centerd Relationship is after the "Feelings" have changed...Go slow...Go peaceful...and...Let God have it... ;0) ...When in Doubt...do nothing save wait upon the LORD Jesus...hang in there...sometimes the best relationships begin as friendships...xo Post Reply
View Profile History	Not sure what to do next(guys are welcome also) Posted : 15 May, 2012 02:27 PM Caleb, Read the post called "How Do You Decide The Outcome of Courtship?" It's 1 or 2 posts below this one and it may be helpful in answering many of your questions. It may also help you to talk to this girl about the importance of focusing upon Christ between you 2, otherwise your sinful natures, Satan and your emotions are going to lead you all over the place. Post Reply
View Profile History	Not sure what to do next(guys are welcome also) Posted : 15 May, 2012 08:31 PM Post above me is possibly the most tremendously unhelpful thing ever. Based on my own past experience, let me project things all over your situation. It is awkward when only one person is your connection to a life decision - or thinks they are. While you may have intended to move to this area before meeting this girl (hopefully you did), she may very well feel like you are moving to be near her and that puts a lot of pressure on her - to support you, to entertain you socially, to be, essentially, the only friend you have there. Not to mention girlfriend. She already lives there, has a full and established life (I'm assuming) and might be fearful of the amount of time you would expect to have with her. That's a pretty big burden to put on someone. I think handling it casually, if you have other friends or prospects in the area would be helpful. Not so much an "I'm moving to be with you" but "I'm moving to _____, which is close to you, and when I do we should hang out again!" Does that distinction make sense? I went to college where my freshman year I knew one other person (who had been there a year already). Being that friend's shadow didn't work. It didn't work for me (we tended to befriend different types of people); it didn't work for my friend (mixing compartments of friends/worlds/social circles). There was too much expectation. This could be similar. Add in the romantic aspect, the fact that she's previously been hurt, and you have some valid reasons for caution. Not that it would be a bad situation - but just one in which there might need to be caution. For both of you. You could grow to resent her, and vice versa. Or you could become closer. Either one. Post Reply
View Profile History	Not sure what to do next(guys are welcome also) Posted : 15 May, 2012 09:20 PM You are correct, I was already planning on moving before I met her. And I already have some friends down there other than her and her friends. My uncle is a pastor at a local church and I have visited often so I already have friendships and connections down there. My assumption would be to give her some space once I get down there and maybe try to make her feel as though it isn't her responsibility to entertain me. Maybe let her make the first move. And I have been praying about it alot and I know that if it isn't gods plan then it won't work. I do honor the fact that she has been so open about her past and her past doesn't bother me in the least. She has made it through it and has a good head on her shoulders. But her being so open kind of gave me a false sense of a connection I think. I feel that the information that she shared with me you wouldn't share unless you really trusted someone and connected with them. It is much deeper and heavier than what I've mentioned but I'm not going to put her life story on here. Maybe im wrong but I don't think that is something that you would say to a person that you don't trust considerably. Post Reply
View Profile History	Not sure what to do next(guys are welcome also) Posted : 18 May, 2012 06:17 PM Well I've been down here for a couple days now. We've been texting back and forth a little bit but that's about it. She seems to be more withdrawn than usual. I'm beginning to think she is starting to pull back out of fear a little. I did ask her once if she wanted to hang out for a bit while and she didn't respond until much later even though up until that point we had been txting back and forth. I almost wonder if I just need to talk with her about how I'm feeling or if I should just back down a little and just let what ever happens happen. Oh I don't know what to do other than just pray but its so hard to be positive about the situation right now. Between the move, being away from friends and family and this i'm getting stressed out! Post Reply
Tulip89 View Profile History	Not sure what to do next(guys are welcome also) Posted : 18 May, 2012 09:07 PM It sounds like for whatever reason, she's just not interested. If you like spending time around her, you should tell her exactly that, but that you don't think it's a good idea to pursue a relationship. She'll have the option to still be your friend, but if you don't take the relationship off the table, you'll most likely lose her as a friend altogether. Post Reply
View Profile History	Not sure what to do next(guys are welcome also) Posted : 18 May, 2012 11:45 PM Hi Caleb, I totally understand this lady,for I've been through the same. My case was 'a drunken dad n uncles who always beats up their wives n kids, I couldn't trust a man to be human,I HATED THEM.Then I studied biblical counselling that helped me a bit to realise NOT ALL MEN ARE BAD.But again a man who wanted to forcefully marry and date me...went back to square one. It feels nice to have someone else at arms length but WITHDRAWAL when they want to be a bit closer. Time might never even change her,its the same with me. I also took up psychology major to help myself and others like me. I know my problem but its very hard,I try to be very close to God but that doesnt seem to help come out of my fear. PRAY,I would say, dont push but gently let her know you are near. Maybe text some random bible verses to encourage her. You need to be confirmed of the Lord. It wouldnt be nice and easy initially and maybe even longer. But she needs someone like you that are few in this world.Trust God to guide. Prayersbest wishes Post Reply
SOS4EMAILFRIEND View Profile History	Not sure what to do next(guys are welcome also) Posted : 19 May, 2012 10:41 AM Caleb. So you hit it off so well with this lady and then when things are not going so well you start to pray. This proceeding is very unfortunate indeed! How come G-d is dragged into this only when the things are being difficult? Where were your prayers before you started to date that girl??? You are very extensive in your OP but the beginning has no mention of G-d and asking what His will is with you and this lady at all! Had you done so, you would have been given eyes for her vulnerability and fragileness right after the first date! As obviously your ladyfriend is still in the process of creation by His own Hand so to speak. Emotionally she is being healed and reshaped. And it is also very clear that He is not finished yet. The one thing that christian singles have a big time understanding, is that everyone FIRST has to become the person G-d had in mind when He gave you the breath of life (a mature christian), BEFORE you can engage into a viable relationship, (which will carry His blessing). All other relationships are due to fail with all the painful consequences of it. When reaching such a mature christian level, you are given eyes to perceive His truth, both about yourself and about others you meet. You will see and acknowledge how much you need Jesus, Father and the Holy Spirit to have your sinful you corrected (sanctification) and you will see IN A LOVING WAY the troubles and issues of others. You will be able to listen, help and sometimes even heal people who are put on your path. And you will also be made aware when you are meeting with the one G-d has set apart for you, if He has done so at all, cause not all of us are to marry and have families. What I am trying to point out here, is that you still have some growing into christian matureness to do and your ladyfriend is still very much in the process of being reshaped. This is an absolute nonstarter for a relationship. Sorry for my bold language. English is not my native tongue and I miss the ability to be diplomatic in your language. But sincerely there is no harm nor offense meant. Please be convinced that I have nothing but the best intentions towards you and I sincerely hope that you consider what I dared writing to you. :waving::waving::waving: Post Reply
View Profile History	Not sure what to do next(guys are welcome also) Posted : 19 May, 2012 12:02 PM Caleb, you didn't move there because of her, so for the time being concentrate on the reasons you did and back off her for a while; it's easy to lose sight of yourself when you're thinking of someone else! You need this time to settle in, strengthen your existing friendships, make new ones, etc. My guess is that whilst you were far away, she felt in control and could talk to you as much or as little as she wanted. Now you're on her doorstep so to speak, she can no longer shut you out completely and that makes her uncomfortable. Read the thread on stalking and you'll see that even seemingly trivial things such as viewing their profile several times is enough to freak out some women, let alone moving to their area! Post Reply
View Profile History	Not sure what to do next(guys are welcome also) Posted : 19 May, 2012 03:14 PM I should clarify that I have been praying about it the whole time not just once it started getting a little rocky. I do believe that it is correct in saying that because im hear now that she does feel differently. It goes for us talking on the phone as well. She is very shy on the phone or in person but very open about things when we are just texting, she is more comfortable. I am going to continue to pray and seek God about it and give her some space and basically let her come to me when she is ready. Post Reply

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