I see many profiles that state that you ladies would like to be just friends first. For all you ladies that have that in your profile, what does that mean to you? What things would you not want to do when you are being �just friends�?
Hey Cobbler we were just talking about you the other day, someone was saying they missed you. I think it was a girl! ; ) Good to see you, I missed you also (in a manly kind of way ...lol)
I personally would be wary of women who say they just want to be friends first. Usually that means they either don't know what they are looking for, are hesitant to commit for whatever reason, are not really ready for a relationship, or want to be able to see what's out there before 'settling' on somebody. A lot of women have a hard time giving a man a flat-out "no", so stringing them along with the "friends first" promise, to them, feels 'nicer' than giving a simple no. In the long run, it is way better to tell someone 'no' now than to give them false hope and tell them later.
I think Siylii is pretty much right on the money. Does that mean that you should go right from "Hi" to "Let's be boyfriend and girlfriend" in a matter of a week? Probably not. Every once in a while there is an exception, but in general both guys and girls know whether there's potential there or not fairly early on. Pretending you only want to be friends and that your interactions are purely platonic is deceptive to both of you.
I have certainly certainly had my share of women telling me that they just want to be friends for now instead of just telling me no. I understand that it is hard to turn someone down.
I am refering to those who state it up front in their profiles, before someone even contacts them.
Friendships are some of the most important relationships I've had in my life. Friends have loved me, taken care of me, stood by me in good times and bad, defended me, spoken truth to me, etc...as I have done the same for them. I would definitely want to see the qualities of true friendship in anyone that I was considering for a dating/serious/marriage relationship. Not to deny the need for attraction, chemistry, etc....but, the majority of time spent in a solid serious/marriage relationship is that of a close, bonded friendship. From my perspective, the question would be, why would somebody not want to be friends first?
Also, attraction can come at all different times and stages in a relationship, dependent on the people. Different people have different comfort levels, perhaps based on past experiences. Furthermore, some people are here mainly to meet and interact with people and may not be looking to immediately find a potential date/spouse.
There may be women that are putting it on their profile for the reasons Siylii says, and perhaps you should be wary. But, I think there are other reasons as well. My suggestion is that if there is someone you are interested in, you ask them 'why' in a friendly way and open up a dialogue. And, I think it's important for people to be honest in their feelings and/or any change in their feelings as a relationship progresses.
I agree with GodsHandiwork. :) I have it written on my profile. Some people like to move too fast in their relationships, and not really taking the time to get to know the person. I have had a couple of marriage proposals in the FIRST letter. WAY TOO FAST!! I don't believe in divorce, so I would like to be true friends with the guy I would spend the rest of my life with. If I'm ever that Blessed.
I had some friends who were Civil War re-enactors. He didn't take sides, he had the uniforms for both sides. Which one he wore depended on which side needed the most re-enactors. He was an extra in The Blue and the Grey, North and South, and Gettysburg.
Welcome back Cobber! We've missed you around here!
To answer your question, I don't think there is any one reason why girls/women say "friends first." I don't. Not for online dating, anyway. I'd have to basically be dating a guy while becoming friends with him. I suppose that it could happen that two people start communicating, find that they enjoy conversations together even though they feel no attraction...then as the friendship progresses, they discover that attraction and take the friendship to the next level.
In "real life", my preference would be to get to know a guy a little bit before actually dating him. Hopefully, that would happen because we might have mutual friends and find ourselves in social settings together. We would get to know each other, then he would ask me out. That's what I think of as the "ideal." Since I'm ultimately looking for a marriage partner, I don't want to date someone that I already know I wouldn't marry. That is a pointless waste of time, and it's unfair to the guy. So it's better to know him as at least a casual acquaintance or friend first, then date him.
I am one of those ladies that has friends first posted on my profile.
My reasoning goes along with what Godshandiwork, Dixie, and Pianogal have stated.
I cherish my friendships; I love that I can talk to my friends about anything, know that they will be there for my when things get rough, and can have fun with them doing whatever. Why wouldn't I want that bond developed first? I believe that friendship first can be the foundation for a successful relationship.
I also have that listed on my profile to show that I am not ready to "hitch up and hit the road" right now! I too have had people propose and talk about marriage in the first and second messages! I do want to marry someday, and I do want to be committed to a serious relationship. However, I don't see any reason to hurry things along.
I used to have this on my profile....... and I took it off. For the reasons stated: "they either don't know what they are looking for, are hesitant to commit for whatever reason, are not really ready for a relationship, or want to be able to see what's out there before 'settling' on somebody."
Not one of those fit me or why I said I wanted to be friends first, but that was the way I was being perceived. So I took it out.
Now I make it clear when I am communicating with someone that I want to go slow. I don't want flowers in the first week. I don't want to hear of your undying love and/or a marriage proposal within the first few emails or IMs. I want to take time to talk and spend time together and get to know each other. You know -- like what happens when you make a new friend. That's what I (me, myself) mean when I say (if I say) I want to be friends first.
Still clear as mud? Or just a little cloudy? :goofball:
