How does a couple overcome past family sexual molestation issues?
Posted : 20 Apr, 2009 08:52 AM
Just recently responded to a forum in ask the guys, Do breakups hurt? My wife and I are currently separated after 7 years of a half totally wonderful and half totally nightmare
marriage. My wife has extremely bad sexual molestation issues as a child by her father and grandfather and worse yet, a ritual type of of situation by a men's group at her fathers church involving other young grade school aged girls as well. Very long story with many many resulting ramifications, but my situation is this. Bottom line for me seems to be, I can't seem to be good enough for her to make up for, or to help her get past all the previous expereinces. We have had extremely wonderful times together, and I love her dearly, but there are times, such as now, that it seems impossible for us. Maybe even doomed from the start! Counseling for each of us has helped at times but not enough and it's very slow going for her to work through her side of all this. I ask any girls, ladies out there, do you have any experience along these lines, and if so I'm open for anything that will help me comprehend the current situation and help me bring our marriage back together. Parayers, prayers, prayers, the human side of dealing with all of this is failing miserably. And to re-iterate my response to the other forum question, YES, IT HURTS!!!!!
How does a couple overcome past family sexual molestation issues?
Posted : 22 Apr, 2009 01:30 PM
Leon was right - she has shown this to you because she loves you. If she didn't love you and feel somewhat "safe" with you, you'd be seeing the same fascade she displays for everyone else.
Where is your wife spiritually? Is she a Christian or is she turned off to God because of what happened?
How does a couple overcome past family sexual molestation issues?
Posted : 22 Apr, 2009 08:36 PM
First off, thanks Leon, for your take. Interesting perspective and will certainly take it to heart. I have already taken a position of "standing on ths sidelines", so to speak, have not spoken with her in nearly 2 months. (She only lives maybe 10 minutes away, btw.) Have to tell you though, it's taking nearly everything I can muster to not "leave the ballpark" altogether. It was her decision to leave everything we had behind, and it has to be her decision for whatever's in the future. At this point in time, I will not take the initiative, of any sort, to get in contact with her. Thanks again for your thoughts.
How does a couple overcome past family sexual molestation issues?
Posted : 22 Apr, 2009 09:18 PM
To Linnie41, to answer your question, she is very much a believer, amazingly to me, in spite of or because of her past. But I think, of course, she has questioned her faith through all of this. She went through a period of "adjustment" internally with her inner personality dividing into several different persons or figures. Most as children of varying characteristics, and one primary "adult" figure she labels, yes, I said" labels" not "labeled", as The Protector. Not a figure of something or someone that can "attack or defend", just a "shield" figure.
I should add that as of almost 2 yrs. ago, she injured 2 adjacent vertebra in her back, shoulder blade area, has been in increasing pain terribly ever since. Medical costs have eaten away nearly every penney we've had to cover expenses pertaining to this condition. She currently can't walk without a 4 wheeled walker, is drawing s.sec. disability, her right arm and leg strength is ever weakening. And SHE decides to move out and go it alone? I do think there's a trace of " I don't want to put you through any more of this" so maybe the separation came from some strange vein of love, of sorts, from an angle of out of sight, out of mind? " I don't want my misery to affect/ruin your life." I don't know.
As I responded to Leon above, I've basically taken the position of "honoring" her desire for separation but I've got to tell you, it's pretty well driving me crazy. And seems like an unbelievable nightmare at times. The basic issue to me is how do I stand by her without being able to stand by her? I could easily take the separation a step further and file for divoce and be done with it, which is not, in my humble opinion a Christian option, or spend the rest of my life married but separated. I have nothing more at this point that I can give her, and because of divided incomes I'm going to lose our home to forclosure. If this is all a big "test" for me or for us, I've got to admit it's by far the most difficult I've ever faced. Well, enough from me, except that I consider it's all in God's hands and we'll see. Thank you for your responses and caring. Sincerely!
How does a couple overcome past family sexual molestation issues?
Posted : 23 Apr, 2009 10:37 AM
Have to respond here that, if you truly love her - you are WRONG, in not taking the initiative.
I 'edated' , and have met / become very close to a woman who faced what sounds similar to your wifes circiumstances - not pretty, most of it would make you ill.
took her years to face it, and I DO feel priveledged she feels she can open up to me, and share.
She also is facing cancer, and suffering.
I will in no way walk away fro her, even when pushed away , when she says she is 'protecting me' - I would die for her.
How does a couple overcome past family sexual molestation issues?
Posted : 27 Apr, 2009 10:11 PM
I have to agree. When I said don't push her, I meant about her past. Go get your wife. She will challenge you to be a man in certain areas, and this is one of them. Don't let her push you away, she will try. Tell her you love her and you are not going away.
How does a couple overcome past family sexual molestation issues?
Posted : 28 Apr, 2009 12:55 AM
Hi Leon, I�m new at all this and wanted to let you know that you are right on with the advice you give in a situation like this. No one can �fix� any part of this but Christ alone. And trying to �fix� it will more than likely drive her away.
There was only one man, I know, who made a woman face the after effects of a rape and allowed her to beat him to a bloody nose before he asked if she had enough. The ten years of blinding rage against one man was, in turn, taken out on her brother. She remembered the truck the man drove (a 56 Ford) and her brother bought the same make to show her. The trigger unleashed the hatred she tried to cover with alcohol but it was the beginning of healing for this woman. (I don�t know if I would suggest her brother�s tactic though but it worked for her)
She was then able to forgive the man (not the rape) and pray for his salvation. This began her walk with Christ in obedience to His word and a peace that was overwhelming. When this brother was killed, the same hatred returned for four bitter years until she was able to forgive and pray for the man who remains in prison.
Please don�t get me wrong here, forgiveness is never about forgiving the sin, but is all about forgiving the person. You really can not hate someone you are praying for, just from my experience that is .
(I think I wrote too much on the �Christians who smoke� section so it didn�t post, so I better stop while I�m ahead now� lol) :waving:
How does a couple overcome past family sexual molestation issues?
Posted : 28 Apr, 2009 10:38 AM
Greetings Mr. Cedarwoody, and it is my sincere prayers that by the time this message reaches you, that it will find you and your family in the best of health & spirits.
Unfortunately, yes... I too have experienced many sexual abuses as a child (an it's not an easy situation or feeling to heal from). However, it has taken many years for me to share or talk to anyone about it (an although you love her, she has to find love in and for "herself"). But first and foremost, "if we fail to take our problems to the Lord, we are failures before we begin working on them".
I'm no Doctor or Psychologist, but the multiple experiences of sexual abuse (along with other multiple types of abuse) "has been an ultimate teacher & factor in my life for its knowledge". I'll do my best to explain and put our feelings of this betrayal into words (so that you can possibly feel the agony and defeat, "that an abused victim finds hard to let go of or constantly fight through on a daily basis").
Secondly, know that the healing has to start "within". We as victims can go to many Doctor's, Psychologist, Therapy Programs and be on many different prescription drugs "that only make us numb or simply place a Band-Aid on the situation". Because in our minds, "the pain & problem of attempting to cope, is defeated". In our minds, it seems as those things are a large Band-Aid (or cover-up, in which keeps the actual wounds from healing).
Because people make it seem as though we have become the problem (by making us own the pain and yet cover it up). Once we want to become whole or stop depending on the drugs and so call help from the doctors, we have a rude awakening (because the problem & pain still exists). Just like a sober mind or an awakening from a dream, when the band-aide is pulled off "our lives and problems are still there festing and exposing themselves like an open & seeping wound". As like a wound without air, it's preserved and is incapable of scabbing ("so it's unable to process the stages of healing"). Yet, as we prematurely scab (we constantly scratch at it, leaving the wound exposed to the climate). I know what you are thinking, "will she or can she ever heal?"... and your answer is "YES she can"...
For you must remember, Jesus said "If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth". (Mark 9:23)... Please feel free to elaborate or contact me personaly in order to discuss this matter. For God places us in situations to help His people "out"... My prayers are with you and your family!.. May you have a blessed week!...
How does a couple overcome past family sexual molestation issues?
Posted : 28 Apr, 2009 05:41 PM
Now that I've spoke on the child/sexual abuse, "I'll shed light on our behaviors towards love ones and the reasons behind them"...
1. We're very protective (especially with children & our
spouses) .
2. We don't want see our love ones to hurt or suffer (in
any way).
3. We see pass our own needs, in order for our family
members to not experience "going without".
4. We sometimes push love ones away, because we feel
we are protecting them (and we don't want to burden
them).
5. We are Emotionally Apologetic.
We protect and place our love ones first in our life, because we never want them to experience the types of abuse & pain we've endured. So we never want to see ourselves as an abuser ( especially one "that would turn around and tell you that they love you, right after abusing you"). Because it's a constant tape that plays in our heads (when we see pain and reflect on it).
So when we care about the feelings of our love ones and how they are treated (including being at the hands of us). Now that she is ill and alongl with carrying all of her past abuse), she doesn't want to be the one to hold you back "from living life to it's fullest" (yet deep inside, "she does'nt want to be lonely")...
Although she's experiencing all of these emotions, "it's important that you become a true friend, a listener and love her even more". It's not you that she becomes angry at, "it's herself" (for not being able to let go of the past pain, and humility that she has come to "hate")... Then to top it off, "she's sick". "So there are times she feels as though she has been punished" (and maybe question God on why she had to go through so much evilness).
This is where you have to be even more steadfast!.. an realize that our trials & tribulations come to make us strong!.. For it is only temporary� Again, these subjects are strong topics (and can�t be explained on a few sheets of paper) so if you�d like to chat more, �please feel free to message me��:waving: Bye
Your friend and sister N� Christ, 1WomanofProverbs*:angel:
How does a couple overcome past family sexual molestation issues?
Posted : 1 May, 2009 02:48 PM
:waving: To all who responded lately to my (our) situation, thank you ever so much! Heavensent compassion and advice, and to hear from people with past personal experience with this sort of thing, it's a terrific help! I must tell you all, for the first time in over 2 months, I did call and speak with my wife...........Intended a short conversation, just to touch base so to speak, and we ended up talking about all sorts of subjects and lots of personal feelings. It lasted nearly 3 hrs!!!!! A real honest to goodness conversation that felt warm and comfortable. Maybe a God led 1st step.............Hope so!!!!!!!
