Marriage Message #46 - It's Not About Satisfaction
Did you know that marriage has a purpose even when it isn't working? Most people miss this point. They think that marriage is about getting our own needs met. They think that it's about "me", and what am I getting out of this marriage? If that's what marriage is about, then why get married in the first place? Isn't that what being "single" is all about?
There's an article that appeared in Marriage Partnership Magazine titled "It's Not About Satisfaction" written by Julianna Slattery that we'd like to take excerpts from because it's so rich in wisdom. It was adapted from Julianna's book "Finding the Hero in Your Husband." We will post a link to the entire article and the book on our web site at www.marriagemissions.com, so you can read more if you'd like. Here's part of what Julianna writes:
"The Bible says, 'Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it' (Psalm 127:1). In marriage, we must recognize the importance of God in all we do. We cannot build our house without Him. Perhaps this is why all of our efforts can feel like we're beating our head against a brick wall. Although we can influence our spouse, we cannot ultimately change his or her heart.
The temptation to give up on marriage because it's disappointing or unsatisfying is what overwhelms many spouses. This is particularly true in a culture that's so focused on self-fulfillment. If a marriage is ultimately about getting our own needs met, then marriage is over when intimacy fails.
However, marriage can also be viewed as something beyond our needs. It's often the ultimate test of our values and character. Like no other relationship, marriage can highlight our fears and selfishness. It's essentially a ministry. The way we respond in marriage reflects our core beliefs and our very reason for living.
Being a faithful and loving spouse ultimately relies upon our choice to be faithful to God. Especially when a husband or wife is unlovable, continuing in the marriage is only possible when our life means more than finding pleasure, fulfillment, and happiness.
When marriage is viewed as a calling or ministry, hope resurfaces in the midst of broken dreams. The hope is no longer that the frog will turn into Prince (or Princess) Charming. There's instead, hope that God can be glorified through what seems like a tragedy. It's only in seeking God and His plan to build the 'house' that forgiveness and unconditional love can infuse life into a dead marriage.
If being married isn't about getting needs for intimacy and companionship met, then what's the purpose? Although God's design is for a husband and a wife to become one, the reality of marriage falls short. Marriage is a mystery that's meant to awaken and illuminate our hunger for Christ.
Throughout the Bible, there are references describing marriage as a metaphor for Christ and His people. It's through the marriage experience that a woman can understand her longing for a bridegroom who'll love and sacrifice unconditionally. The emptiness and disappointments that surface in marriage aren't supposed to signal the end of hope, but begin the need for true hope. Marriage isn't meant to satisfy, but to ignite that for which we were created -- int-macy with God.
Although God may ask you to persevere through a marriage that's disappointing and unfulfilling, your needs are important to Him. He doesn't ask you to ignore your longing for love and companionship, but to trust Him with them. Psalm 146:3 says, "Don't put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." Even the best spouse cannot provide salvation -- spiritually OR emotionally. No matter how good your marriage, you'll go through times of drought. Your spouse was never meant to satisfy you completely, nor you him or her.
Perhaps the most touching conversation Jesus had with a human while on earth was with the Samaritan woman as recorded in the Bible in John Chapter 4. This woman had been married 5 times and was currently living with someone to whom she wasn't married. She was thirsty for love. Try as she might, the affection of a man never satisfied her. She probably hoped that the next guy just might be the hero she was longing for.
Jesus knew her thirst for love, just as He knows yours. He said to her, "Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life" (John 4:13).
Is your well dry? Do you feel as though you have little to give your spouse? How can you love when he or she has given you nothing? The answer is Jesus. Imagine a well of love springing up inside of you. No longer are you dependent on your spouse's touch or compliment to make it through the day. Only Jesus is able to love perfectly.
You can only invest in your marriage when your life and happiness don't depend on the success of finding the hero in your husband or savior in your wife. If wives are desperate for knights in shining armor, they won't be able to vanquish their insecurities and disappointments long enough to invest in mortal husbands. Instead, you must depend on God and His provision for your ultimate worth and stability. Only then can you freely obey God's wisdom rather than your fears.
Intimacy with your spouse is a goal worthy of your attention and efforts. However, there are many happily married people who are spiritually dead. A great marriage is a good thing, but it's not the best thing. Both the excitement of a growing marriage and the despair of brokenness are changes to seek and glorify the Lord.
What an inspiration the apostle Paul was in his letter to the Philippians when he wrote, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:12-13).
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AMEN! We couldn't say it any better. Please pass these thoughts on to other Christians who are married or are about to get married. The enemy of our faith wants us to distort what marriage is all about. It's not about us -- it's about "living Christ." Is how you're living distracting you from living Christ in your marriage? Are you showing love to your spouse as Christ loves the Church?
It's our prayer that we'll all remember our "first love." Jesus said the "greatest commandment is: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" You can't get a closer neighbor than your spouse.
The question is: What have you done TODAY to love your spouse "as unto the Lord?"
With thankful hearts, Cindy and Steve Wright
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