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Author Thread: Like it never even existed...
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Like it never even existed...
Posted : 4 Sep, 2018 07:23 PM

My experience has been that boyfriend/girlfriend and husband/wife relationships are extremely weak and fragile. You can say one bad thing, and it ruins the relationship completely. Then you're all alone again, and it's like you have never been friends. All the nice things you have done or said in the past are completely forgotten. You can say one bad thing, and it ruins everything. The friendship is over. Like it never even happened. It doesn't matter how much you have invested into it. It doesn't matter how much time you've spent together and shared everything. It doesn't matter that you have called each other "best friends." These friendships are about as strong as a spider web. You can test them by saying some really offensive thing or reveal a plain secret about yourself. I am not advising anyone to try that, I'm just saying that it's something I have observed. You can ruin everything with one word. On the other hand, there are friends such as your dad, mom, brother, sister, cousin, etc, and these relationships don't end just because you do something bad or say something bad. I guess, it's the nature of these romantic relationships--they're weak by nature. Men and women often say they want their spouse to be their "best friend," but like I said, that "best friend" is only one step away from leaving you alone forever. And it can happen so easily. It has happened to me more than once. It causes me to be more silent.

I am, by nature, an introvert, but when I realize that one word can have such serious consequences, I am afraid to say things. Even if I happen to be in the best relationship I can imagine, it makes me worried that something I say is going to ruin everything. I guess, the better the relationship, the more careful I try to be. which means I am more silent. But at the same time, I imagine an ideal relationship as one where we share things without fear. We don't put a barrier between our mind and our mouth. If we think something, then we say it. We don't purposely say bad things to each other, but we are allowed to show what's in our mind. But of course, that kind of raw unfiltered sharing can turn people away. So, I am not sure how that's supposed to work. According to the book of James, the tongue is like a fire which can burn up everything. If I had to describe it, I would say that the tongue is like a sophisticated gun. And if you don't know how it works and what makes it trigger, then it's better not to touch it. If all you know that it can randomly shoot in any direction if you touch it in the wrong place, then it's better not to touch it. LOL The tongue is such an incredible complex and dangerous thing! We are safe as long as we don't say anything. Silence is the safety. which is a bit sad. The main reason I wanted to get married is because I wanted to have someone I could talk about anything. But sadly I am beginning to realize that you can't talk freely about anything with people. There are things that either offend some people or they judge you or cause them to run for the hills, and I don't know what those things are. Of course, we learn by trial and error, so I learn slowly. But it's really disappointing that we can screw up everything by just talking. I wish I had a "safe space" where I could talk with my girlfriend or wife openly about anything, and anything we say in that safe zone will have no consequences outside of that space. For example, I could say, "I hate you" and once we get out of that play zone, it's as if we never even said the things we said there. But I guess that is just a fantasy. Sometimes I wonder if I even want to get married. I say I want to get married, but is that really true? Do I really want it? I am afraid it's going to be very different than what I expect it to be.

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Jayzeee

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Like it never even existed...
Posted : 5 Sep, 2018 03:28 AM

I think we just have to be mindful of the things we say to the person we profess to love, because no one wants to have a miserable life. I would rather be alone that have to deal with a nit picker, fault finder, and all round nasty person. My past relationships have taught me two very valuable lessons. 1, never give an ultimatum 2, pick your battles wisely it's not easy meshing two lives together learning how to communicate effectively is a good start.

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Posted : 5 Sep, 2018 08:56 PM

I don't think anyone that would give up on a relationship because of one bad argument or bad thing said should be in a relationship in the first place. They need to become more mature first.

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Posted : 5 Sep, 2018 09:23 PM

I agree that having a 'safe zone' sounds good, I mean you are right you should be able to say anything, pour your heart out, to your significant other. However let's say you blurt out "I hate you." Strong words. Women will hear those words over and over and over again in their heads for years to come. It's a HUMBLE apology (or maybe more than one) that can help mend hurtful words. Evidence shows that for every negative you tell someone, they need multiple more positives to compensate for the negative. I remember the day my now-ex once told me I was selfish. It was over 10 years ago! But the hurt it caused etched into my memory. Did he tell me he loved me 1000 times after that? Yes. Did he apologize for calling me that, or tell me he was wrong when he called me selfish? No never. People say things in the heat of the moment. Its AFTER those moments that a humble person needs to reflect and fix hurtful words spoken. Or as it was mentioned above, a mature person.

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