Should Their be boundaries where opposite sex friends are concerned, to keep the enemy from getting a foothold in a couples relationship or not? And if so what should they consist of?
I agree with Christian Psychologist Kevin Leman`s perspective boundaries. He has just two.
1) The opposite sex friends you were involved with dated/ were engaged too, or were intimate with in any form. Those opposite sex friends need to go. No contact with them. Unless they are the parent of a child in your current situation. And then only contact concerning the children.
2) Opposite sex friends you have never dated or been intimate with you can keep. But there needs to be boundaries their too. They are not allowed to call you or hang out with you without your significant other with you. And you NEVER confide in them about anything concerning your relationship with your mate EVER.
I have found this to be a very hot topic with single/divorce,widowed Christian women. They rarely see it as a relationship protection and respect issue.
They almost always view it as a control issue, which it is not intended for. I have not gotten a mans perspective yet on it.
Almost all (93%) Christian couples I talked to about this issue agreed with the boundaries totally.
I welcome everyone's viewpoints on this interesting subject.
well -first thing I think is that someone has been burnt to the core through infidelity of some kind and is now ruled with fear and has serious trust issues.
i don't judge it, b/c I've been burnt in some ways as well and I have trust issues for the same reasons and that is how I have determined my boundaries as well.
So-whether i agree or not, I think you are entitled to your screening process however it makes it you feel safe with that person especially if you are going to be intimate.
But-remember, if you do anything you believe is not right, you are sinning.(Romans 14:23) So-make sure that you do not construct walls out of fear -they will keep OUT what your heart desires. But-if you are watchful by faith and make room for common weakness and the potential for each of to disappoint, then your trust will be in God rather than making impossible standards or withdraw others' freedom out of your own fears. Better idea to mark character and integrity & have God teach you to trust.
I would only advise that forgiveness be part of your requirements for yourself and that you learn to deal with disappointment & failure in a way that is merciful and Christ-like b/c no matter how "good" someone is, they will fail you in some point and you just made it harder for them to feel "free" within a relationship with you b/c your suspicions are more highlited than your trusting & worthy nature. In that regard, it IS a control issue b/c abusers are profiled as determining who you can and can't see and tell you who to trust with your innermost personal feelings. You should find another way to qualify faithfulness since that seems to be your biggest fear.
PS - I agree with you in most points. but the nature of boundaries is to give others' their freedom, not restrict it. But-overall, I am THE biggest boundaries champion and hope you will find someone worthy of you who will guard your trust. You NEED to feel safe with her in order to be intimate.
May God guide you and give you the desires of your heart. TRUST HIM to never fail you and stop requiring that others stop (b/c we're just not capable of ceasing humanity with both good & evil traits sometimes). We can only try our best and you need to trust someones heart and know nobody's able to promise no pain. I wish you well.
I thank you for your input. I agree that a sharper mark for integrity and morale standards are a great starting point as well as their personal relationship with God and how fruitful that is, would be a wise place to start, with how much trust should be given. But only by spending quality time in person can that all be developed, and figured out. That is how I handle setting my boundaries, so I can build the trust, because I am a lot like you, with trust issues.
But its hard because people today are so busy and commitment phobic that they get cold feet when you try to invest that kind of time, and they may accuse you of smothering them. So it would be a fine line to walk, or you would have to meet someone who feels exactly the way you do, that person would not have a problem putting in the time in. That`s my take on it. I think you would know what kind of person your dealing with after a few meetings, and that should tell you weather or not your compatible or not.
The truth is simple here if you take one more step....For a man who has a woman who has male friends she does stuff with. Just start doing stuff with other women instead of her. She will either change her ways or the relationship will be over. The truth often springs forth when the shoe is on the other foot!
I really do appreciate these points. It's a sensitive issue indeed. I have a friend (man) who has many friends (girls AND guys). He spends lots of time with all of them, sometimes alone, sometimes together. I am VERY aware that in a dating relationship it is important to have a place for that significant ONE that NOONE else shares and it ought to be clear, not only between the 2 but to others as well. He will not give up his girl friend (non-romantic) dates for even a special girlfriend or wife. I do NOT believe that this is healthy & am convinced THIS is the cause of his inability to keep any of his girlfriends feeling loved or committed to him. If he's gonna "date-around" romantic or not, she's gonna wonder why she isn't enuf and fear that he's uncommitted deep-down. It's a HUGE trust issue. And I AGREE without that, there IS NO relationship.
However, I have several male friends that I have had for years. I go out with them one-on-one sometimes, but PURE platonic and I can't even bear to think of them in any kind of romantic way, nor they for me. It's like brotherhood and I am comfortable since I grew up with 4 brothers & actually hava hard time feeling anything but brotherhood for any man. The special one will be special indeed. (actually i think i will feel differently for a man who treats me like I'm a woman rather than just a sister).
Anyway -the part I think you disagree with:
I was engaged to a man who I am good friends with now. We talk about everything, but that has always been the case between us as we were friends before we dated. We are both virgins, were AND are. We are determined to live for Christ -but, every door but friendship is closed again. I've never really been physically attracted to him and...........well, my point is that each situation is different and I don't think generalizations work in this regard.
Concerning every other man i've dated, I could be congenial -but, of course we went our ways afterwards and aren't even in touch.
I would NOT stop seeing my male friends simply b/c my heart as a sister/friend is already committed to them and I don't break my commitments. I really think that when I date someone and he meets my friends, he will not find any problem with our relationships and all the threat will automaticlaly be removed (UNLESS, he is desperate-jealous and just looking for a reason to wonder).
Also-my devotion is always to my man and even tho I ALWAYS prefer to be with the one who loves me most (the one I love the most) -there is NEVER any competition with my friends & my behavior is never questionable.
All that to say that there are instances where all opposite sex relationships can remain intact without any threat whatsoever to the man or relationship.
NO WAY - Manipulation and/or jealousy is NEVER a solution to helping to comfort someone who loves you and just wants more attention than others and wants to know he's the only one. Women feel the same way. I'm sure you will find many of them very understanding of your need to test for trust b4 you commit.
I totally agree with what you said here, it`s just that the time it would take (roughly 2 years), for a person who has been cheated on to trust your opposite sex (just friends) friends, and to be alright with them, I just do not think the partners of these people who have been cheated on, would have the endurance to go the distance of at least two years to let the cheated on person to come around to warming up to the other persons opposite sex friends.
It is my experience from a years worth of questioners, that the person dating the cheated on person would rather leave the relationship rather then work through the time span it would take for the cheated on person to come around. The percentages are in the lower to mid 20% out of 100%, said they would rather leave the person that has been cheated on, rather then work at that relationship.
I WILL NOT be replying to this post after it goes off my profile. I am not much of a blogger. And I do not want to wade through all the blogs to find mine after it goes off my profile. I will leave it up to you all to decide weather it keeps going, or e-mail me if you really want me to respond. THANKS:glow:
That`s an interesting take on the issue, for sure lol. I am sure some guys would see that tactic as pliable. But as for me, I would not entertain that option, its just not part of my character. Plus I am not sure it would work every time, though it might lol.
Besides, I've never been cheated on but I have been betrayed in the WORST ways by the WRONGEST people.
I have my own rights to my own timing in order to qualify people I want to trust as well. 2 years is awesome!!! I would go for that in a minit. but-you're right, even I hava hard time finding a man who wants to put his biology on hold for long enough to make the relationship what it oughtta be rather than just to fill needs they're convinced they are deprived from until they get a marriage happenin.
Most men I've met here, though want it ALL (just like the women) and want the WHOLE and healthy relationship. I consider this admirable, but then again there is sometimes an anxiety to get the need met ASAP, that the time someone may need to grow into a trusting relationship is just NOT a requirement they want to meet. It's distasteful for some people to be asked to be patient without promising them something and telling them how long.
That -I believe, is a spiritual issue of trust in God b/c patience is a fruit of the spirit that NOBODY likes very much and tries VERY hard to avoid.
We just gotta let each other have our place with God and try not to judge each other for it. We don't understand the experiences that have jaded them or caused their ignorance. People just need unconditional acceptance & when God's love works in us -it will flow through us and satisfy that need.
It's all about love, love, love, love, love........
