Women's Own: Can A Shy Guy Capture Your Attention?
Posted : 11 Feb, 2011 08:28 PM
Well, since we have so many wise and open-minded ladies on here, I must feel free to ask these ladies.
How can a shy guy attract the attention of the woman he really feel attracted to? Assuming you are that woman.
I know the opt out answer is to tell him to man up and conquer his shyness, but I want a more robust response that addresses all the factors. Thanks a lot for contributing
Women's Own: Can A Shy Guy Capture Your Attention?
Posted : 13 Feb, 2011 12:19 AM
Well, that's kindof a hard question to answer because there are so many variables.
Let's say my spouse and I lived a long and loving life together and he developes a form of dementia. I would love him and enjoy dragging out every single conversation God would bless me with. =)
Women's Own: Can A Shy Guy Capture Your Attention?
Posted : 13 Feb, 2011 03:36 AM
Here's the more robust answer to the typical "man up" response. Look at the phrase itself "Man UP"....
There's a very funny line in the movie "The 40 Year Old Virgin". I won't repeat it here due to this being a Christian site.... but it would be the truth none the less..... The line centers around putting something "on a pedestal".......
I'm going to get flack for how I put this.... but the right women will know exactly what I mean...
A man who is shy around women has literally OVER VALUED a woman, simply by virtue of her being born a woman or her outward physical beauty.... and UNDER VALUED himself. That is the ONLY thing that has happened.
A shy man believes that he, is somehow, NOT worthy. And to be honest.... that is counter productive to a woman. Why would a woman want a man who believes he is not worthy. A woman is counting on the man's STRENGTH. How can a man who feels he is not worthy, actually have strength??
Any Christian man who is still shy around a woman has literally not read, nor understood the importance of the story of Boaz and Ruth.
Boaz did not put Ruth on a pedestal when first seeing Ruth out in the fields. On the contrary.... He watched Ruth very closely to see her worthiness of HIM.....to see her character.... Because Boaz KNEW that he was a worthy man, and that all women are NOT created equal simply because they were born a woman. He watched her work and her ethic, and her devotion to her mother in law. He did not just automatically assume that she was ALL THAT and put her on a pedestal, simply because she was a woman. Boaz was a kind and gentle man.... but he was NO pushover... He knew that HE was worthy of something too.
A shy man can easily overcome his shyness once he "levels" out the playing field. In essence.... He is "manning UP" and "womaning DOWN"... He simply has to adjust his paradigm and start looking at women differently. That they owe as much to him to prove their worthiness, as he does to her.... And if they don't, or have the attitude that they shouldn't.....MOVE ON....
They only get the title of "queen" or "princess" once they have earned it and have shown to be worthy of it....
And thus will end shyness..... and the women will respond in kind.... Funny how that works....
Women's Own: Can A Shy Guy Capture Your Attention?
Posted : 13 Feb, 2011 05:54 AM
Oooooooowwweeeee!!! I think I den found my next nemesis!:applause::boxing::laugh:
I must be the, what did you say? The "right" woman, cause I understood what you said, just don't agree wit cha.
Your generalization of men undervaluing themselves at the same time overvaluing women may be true for some, but not all. I don't even agree with your use of the word value.
First everyone is EXTREMELY valuable and the 'lowliest" of us here on Earth are princes and princesses in the eyes of God because we are children of THE King. As evidenced by Lazurus the beggar being put in the bosom(what does that mean!:laugh:) of Abraham. A man needs to love and respect me as the weaker vessel and as Christ loves the church (which is infinitely awesome seeing He died for us).
So a man can't actually go overboard valuing me short of making me an idol in his mind.
The only point I wholeheartedly agree with you on is that some men AND women undervalue themselves. I think your use of overvalue may be better replaced with men being intimidated by women. And if intimidated by women then usually other things as well, if not life in general. Again, to me, shyness indicates timidity which is defined as fear.
Fear is not attractive and though I'm sympathetic, having had to face fears of my own, he couldn't get no play!:dancingp:
Would need him to handle that first before attempting to enter into a relationship.
Women's Own: Can A Shy Guy Capture Your Attention?
Posted : 13 Feb, 2011 06:51 AM
Agreeable personality in a relationship for me is someone who do his part as I do my part to live harmoniously. Loving, responsible, not dictatorial, open to discuss conflict, honest to say he like it or does not, loyal, always willing to walk extra miles, etc. Having no spouse to get along with for years, I just think of these traits when I noticed different people in the work place. There are those who are hard to get along with that you need to stretch your patience, no team work, only credit grabbing mentality. I always wonder how they are at their home and pity for the spouse. They can talk, manipulate, twist a fact or lie a little, and smell like a rose to the boss but other people in the office are stressed out. You get what I mean? These agreeable traits I discover as I know the person better, how he treat other people, his sincerity, the natural do comes out. The trouble is, if I have fallen in love already before discovering disagreeability in character, love covers all wrong, the lover is blind, there is always justification until�
Women's Own: Can A Shy Guy Capture Your Attention?
Posted : 13 Feb, 2011 07:15 AM
@ Gomer
I am agreeable with your idea of over/under value, I think that is the core of this chemistry thing in relationship�that traits has to be inclined to being compatible. The trouble is when the person doesn�t know his/ her self well.
If the man is inclined to down his self, I think that is indication of having low self esteem, no self confidence and usually they are those that are insecure, over jealous and wife batterer. They always think they are not good enough and live in fear that someday the wife will find someone better so they end up committing crime of passion. I think he could not simply adjust his paradigm and man-UP, he has to put a lot of effort to overcome this trait that psychology books say comes way back to his childhood, environment, family, experiences, etc. Same when the woman under value herself.
Women's Own: Can A Shy Guy Capture Your Attention?
Posted : 13 Feb, 2011 08:08 AM
I don�t think that a lack of confidence is always because he is not worthy, or he devalues himself. For me, I have had nothing but failure when it comes to dating, and it has shattered my confidence. I have a social learning difficulty, so I simply don�t know what to do, and the constant failure hasn�t helped. I know that the saying is that you win some and you lose some, but for me it has been all lose.
I know in my heart that I can be great husband, but I can never get there if I can�t figure out how to get a date. It�s not because I overvalue women or put them on a pedestal, I just don�t know.
Think of it this way. There is a door in your office that people use all the time. You see people going in and out of it with no problems at all. But, every time you go to use the door, somebody on the other side slams the door open in your face. You know in the back of your mind that it�s just bad luck, and it is bound to turn around at some point. You know that it works because you see it work for others, but the pain of getting the door slammed in your face will eventually cause you to not try going through that door again.
What really hurts is when others will only see how they have no problems with the door, and refuse to accept that you do and start accusing you of just not being a �real man�, or just not trusting in God. The fear of getting slammed in the face is not something that is a figment of one�s imagination, it is a fear built up through experience of failure.
Women's Own: Can A Shy Guy Capture Your Attention?
Posted : 13 Feb, 2011 01:50 PM
Is he shy or quiet? I think a guy can be of few words and not really know what to say, but if he understands his worth in the Lord, he will be real with her and say, "I really don't know how to start a conversation with you, but would like to chat if you are open to that?"
I can handle a different personality if he is honest and has confidence in who He is in God. Gomer has some good points, but I think personality types play a part in the "shy" thing and it's more of a quiet spirit at times. And then, there are shy guys and women who have low esteem because of things that Mercy May pointed out.
I end up trying to fix these "shy" guys and that is not good. He must learn to be comfortable in his own skin or how will he ever be a good "head" of the household for her?
I am attracted to leader type men that know who they are in the Lord and also know that they can't stand on their own two feet without Him. Humility is very attractive to me, even in quiet men.
Women's Own: Can A Shy Guy Capture Your Attention?
Posted : 13 Feb, 2011 02:23 PM
Cobbler, it could be God who is slamming those doors?
I don't know you personally, but you seem very much of a Christian man and kind, which could get you attracted to women who use that to their advantage and then dump you when they get bored, stop getting your money and gifts or want some new stimulation. These type of women have shallow personalities and never stay in one relationship very long. But, this is all speculation as I don't know your past dating history.
I have a friend who seems to have the same thing happening to him and he is so sweet and kind that it makes me sad to see him going through this "door-slamming" stuff all the time.
I wondered why I am not attracted to him as he did take me out a couple of times. I had to analyze myself at this point and see if I was being too picky or he was just not my type.
I also watched him date my friend and that did not last. She broke it off with him and is one that likes a leader type guy.
What I found in him, was that he was too agreeable to everything and anything his date wanted. He didn't challenge her in conversation, going out or staying home. she picked the restaurants, always. She dominated the conversation, always. He would just clam up and hold back what he really had to say. She picked the movies and music when they had a date night at home and it was always her choice of food.
He gave her gifts, cleaned her driveway of snow, bought her food, movie tickets, went wherever she wanted to go, got up in the middle of the night when she would call with problems and go to his job with two hours of sleep, and never strand up to her. That made him look unattractive to me and her, eventually. In other words, he was very predictable and non-stimulating.
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
1. Do I take the lead and make unpredictable, detailed plans for a date?
Women like some mystery and feeling special to that guy who would take the reins and make a fun and exciting date. Something like packing a picnic lunch and taking her to a park or some favorite spot of his for that picnic. Then off to a ferry boat or air balloon for a first time ride. (If she's game, of course) And then back home with a stop at an ice cream place that has her favorite ice cream flavor that he already knew about by asking questions about her. :)
2. Do you initiate stimulating conversations?
Is it about you, your work, your house, your family, your views on the world economy, the weather, negative, hopelessness, poor me, I never can keep a date? (not saying this is you at all) Or, do you ask her about herself and then keep it balanced with positive, intelligent conversation that you can enjoy and also laugh about?
3. Are you fun and funny? Or serious and worried about this date dumping you, too?
I don't care how unattractive a guy might be to me, if he is funny in a clean and confidant way, that is a draw for me.
Guys that are too serious, do not attract me. No fun....
The "why come" thread told me a lot about some guys here and how fun they would be to hang with. Kudos to Chevy and TS, for a couple of examples. :applause:
4. Are you making yourself attractive with good hygiene? Believe it or not, some guys do not brush their teeth often and their breath blows you away. They might wear jeans and a tee shirt out a date night at a fancy restaurant or something that calls for some classy looking clothes or....they may have terrible table manners. These can all be big turn offs.
Anyway, some things that may not apply to you at all, so take the meat and spit out the bones if it does. :laugh:
Women's Own: Can A Shy Guy Capture Your Attention?
Posted : 13 Feb, 2011 02:50 PM
In my line of work as project coordinator, I have to talk with people of say all walks. My kids when they were very young used to asked me did I ever feel shy when it�s a top officer in the organization. I told them, if I have done nothing wrong, why should I be shy, be ashamed? If I promised nothing I can�t deliver why should I be? Even if it�s the president of the country, he is just human, also smell bad when he does his thing in the toilet. Two eyes, a nose, two hands, two feet, what is special with him to be afraid of and shy away when I am created just like him?
As little girls, it always comes out they fight over something and one pleads me to side with her. As young as before schooling I used to tell them living in the world is always how to get along she better practice convincing her sister to give way to her, to have give and take harmonious relationship. And I really did great then now that they are grown up. They are still kind of shy but I can say are well adjusted, they know who they are, children of God.
So Cobbler, if others slammed doors on you, I think it is just that they are mean. It is better you are out than be in company with mean, evil doers. That is another suggestion I have with my kids, better have no friends than have plenty who are mean, does not honor parents. My question about their friends is: does he/she honor his/her parents? If not better not spend time with them for if they do soon they will be like them.
Women's Own: Can A Shy Guy Capture Your Attention?
Posted : 13 Feb, 2011 03:06 PM
Joeysings has a great point there, a guy being too predictable gets dumped. Women while dating don�t realize that in reality a too predictable husband is better than one you need to stretch your patience, stressed you out because he is hard to figure out. Just like what happens to my best friend but she also confided, there was a deal breaker with the predictable guy, he was such a tight wad. She married a challenge but same generous, caring, parent loving guy. They always clash but do end up . Yes, the challenge always put humor in his unpredictability, I just realize that now visualizing their household.
. Yes, the challenge always put humor in his unpredictability, I just realize that now visualizing their household.