Author	Thread: Friends first
Admin	Friends first Posted : 30 Nov, 2010 12:51 PM I see many profiles that state that you ladies would like to be just friends first. For all you ladies that have that in your profile, what does that mean to you? What things would you not want to do when you are being �just friends�? Post Reply
View Profile History	Friends first Posted : 1 Dec, 2010 04:35 PM Bc, you are restating a lot of what I already know, but it is nice to know that you have taken the time to try and understand where I am coming from. Personally, I think that all love is a choice, some people just make it easier to choose to love them� Marriage is about being there during the hard times, and many times the only thing that will pull you through is not feelings, but the choice to make it through no matter what. If you choose during the good times to love someone no matter what, you don�t have to struggle with your choice during the hard times. As far as you suggestion to find an older couple, I have tried many times to get friends and family to help, but I have been flat out told that it is completely up to me. If I can�t figure it out on my own, I�m not a good enough of a man to be a husband. And that is coming from a church that tends to follow the courtship principle. Their basic philosophy is that you don�t have to work to find a spouse, God will bring them to you. So, if they help you find a spouse, then they are, in essence, interfering with God�s will. And, if you are older, say in your 30s, and God hasn�t given you the gift of a spouse yet, then that is proof that you have some sort of spiritual issue that God is working on in your life, because if you didn�t have some major spiritual issue, God would give you a spouse. I think outside of the church that would normally be referred to as circular logic. As far as the courtship principle is concerned, it really not about just settling for someone, just picking somebody and saying that they are going to love them no matter what. One could enter into a courtship and realize that it is just not God�s will and never marry each other; Marriage is not a predetermined outcome of a courtship. It is more about taking dating seriously, saving dating for the purpose of marriage, and not doing it just to have something to do. It is about guarding each other�s hearts, and not leading a person on. It is about talking to each other and letting each other know where they are in the relationship, so that there is no guessing at the status of the relationship. It is about purposely getting to know the character of the other person, about their goals in marriage, and about how they view their role in a marriage relationship. Post Reply
View Profile History	Friends first Posted : 1 Dec, 2010 04:59 PM Ok, so one of the things I hear you saying is that girls tell you that you are going too fast. You don't know why -- you don't know what you are or are not doing that make them say that. This works for me sometimes: Ask yourself a series of questions to try to narrow down where you are coming across the wrong way and giving the wrong impression. What are you doing right before they say that? Does she say this right after you say something? Is it the same something, or similar each time? Does this tend to happen around the same point in each relationship? Those are some of the questions you can ask yourself. Other things to consider with yourself: In your other relationships -- work, school, family, friends, etc -- are you sometimes misunderstood? Someone take something you say or do in a way that is different from what you intended? How do you handle it in those instances? Do you ask questions to try to find out where the misunderstanding happened? Does the feedback help you with what you say or do? Cobbler, I know you want answers, but dating is a lot like parenting. There are books galore and classes you can go to and movies you can watch and friends you can ask ----- but what it boils down to is trial and error, and finding what works for you. You've been given some good advice on this site. Keep praying --- God is the best help there is. He will not let you down, and He will continue to send people to help you, guide you, and be there for you. I don't know what else to say. If you want more specific advice my suggestion is to ask one or two folks on here for advice --- and send them verbatim transcripts of what is said between you and a girl. Perhaps another pair of eyes or an objective person can help you spot where you are being misunderstood, and help you overcome that. Post Reply
View Profile History	Friends first Posted : 1 Dec, 2010 05:28 PM "I don't know what else to say. If you want more specific advice my suggestion is to ask one or two folks on here for advice --- and send them verbatim transcripts of what is said between you and a girl. Perhaps another pair of eyes or an objective person can help you spot where you are being misunderstood, and help you co overcome that." I think that this suggestion of GodsLamb could be really useful. I'd be willing to do that for you later on in the month. Right now I'm supposed to be busying myself with school. My last exam is Wednesday the 8th and I could help you after that =) Post Reply
View Profile History	Friends first Posted : 1 Dec, 2010 07:12 PM That drives me a little crazy when I see "I wanna be friends first" - it's like you don't really have permission to read body language or other ques to move anything forward - like you have to wait for a verbal "Ok, we can be more than friends now" - that makes things more frustrating for me - I can just imagine what a guy would feel since they probably hear it more than girls. Post Reply
View Profile History	Friends first Posted : 1 Dec, 2010 10:36 PM I agree with Pixy. We can't really help you at all because we do not know exactly what you are dealing with, so we are left with stating the obvious and making guesses. Post Reply
View Profile History	Friends first Posted : 1 Dec, 2010 11:11 PM I think the reason why women put it in their profile just what other ladies have stated, they received marriage proposal in their first few messages. And some guys, someway somehow think that some "ladies" would want to get married just after few messages. So, women have to put it in their profile to prevent rejecting those guys' marriage proposals. Cobbler, maybe there are some explicit or implicit idea of "marriage after just corresponding for a while" in your messages or in the conversation? I have no idea about that, but since I found nothing abnormal from the things u just shared here, maybe there are just some misunderstandings while you were corresponding with those women. Maybe. Btw, welcome back =) Post Reply
i_live_in_canada View Profile History	Friends first Posted : 2 Dec, 2010 01:34 AM Welcome back Cobbler Post Reply
marikashome View Profile History	Friends first Posted : 2 Dec, 2010 06:56 AM I don't have it listed on my profile, but I consider myself amongst those who want to be friends first. I've been on dates with men who expect romantic physical involvement from the first date. That's not me. Like me for who I am first, not just what I look like. Friends won't demand a kiss on the first date or constantly lean over and nuzzle my ear (that was just gross, and the man was doing it in church!). Friends are aware and respectful of each others' boundaries and comfort zones. They'll allow things to proceed naturally, without forcing anything. When I meet a woman for the first time, I may think she'd make a good friend, but I don't spend three or more nights with her that week. I don't want to spend a lot of time on the phone. She and I both have other commitments. We don't go from "Hi, nice to meet you" to "You're my BFF!" in a week. If I meet a man who might make a good husband, why would I spend the whole first week with him or on the phone or chat with him, then? When a man rushes me, I wonder what he's hiding. To me, being friends first simply means allowing things to proceed naturally, with no undue expectations on the first or second date. Post Reply
Tulip89 View Profile History	Friends first Posted : 2 Dec, 2010 08:19 AM Cobbler, I've got finals coming up too, but I'll go ahead and change my age settings so you can message me more specific questions. Post Reply
View Profile History	Friends first Posted : 3 Dec, 2010 03:40 PM I'm Glad you've posted this Cobbler & it's goood to see you're back here!!:applause: I've always wondered this one myself.One if you want to only have friends, then it should be so.I believe when some girls do that,it's a possibility that it means that they were hurt before,just like Syilli said.I believe since that's the case why some seem to be giving you a smart way of testing you out first before they go any further with you. Post Reply

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