I recently made a friend of a divorced mom of 5 kids. She put the friendship in the "just friends" category almost right away ... but ... it had me contemplating the task of being a stepfather to that many kids. I take fatherhood very seriously and connecting with each of them to guide their remaining formative years ... without losing the connection with my own kids ... is a serious task. It didn't have me backing away, but it did have me thinking very soberly about the whole prospect, especially the need to unite completely and quickly with the lady on the goals and methods of child training.
It made me wonder whether women look at step-motherhood with similar concern. Will many women, when they find out that instead of 1 or 2 kids, I have 5, be scared off by the prospect of being that busy a step-mom?
Not that I could change anything if it did ... but ... how big a factor is that?
That a thought provoking question is this! I enjoy these conversations and yes I may be kinda younger to even write back concerning this subject. Hope you won't mind me writing!
�Will many women, when they find out that instead of 1 or 2 kids, I have 5, be scared off by the prospect of being that busy a step-mom?�
Yes with me personally (not talking on behalf of all woman) it's a great concern that doesn't only question my ability to cope with the challenges of raising 5children as a step mother who may not be approved and accepted by these children just cause maybe they still having hope of you reconciling with their mother, weather you guys are divorced or you were only a boyfriend and a girlfriend. But it's a concern in a question of how many woman have you've been with, that you should end up being the father of five today? Will I find myself in a situation of having to adapt and pursuing too many children with different influences from their biological mothers if somehow they haven't got over you? Weman are influential and can use their innocent children to cause trouble, let alone the children themselves disapproving me from their own person reasons!
Please do allow me to qoate a scripture that condones my above mentioned concerns: 1 Corinth 6:16, �Or do you not know that he who is joined to a harlot is one body with her? For the two, He says (God) Shall become one flesh.�
Please don't get me wrong! I by no means, mean to refer to your ex(s) as �harlots� but all in all how many people (spirits) will I be joined together with as one through you?
Further concerns would be a question of what will I be gaining by partaking in all this? What do you have to offer in a relationship that I should accept you with all that comes with you as a package (5children weather being from the same mother or not)?
Well, sister, thanks for the no-holds-barred response.
When I start communicating with a lady one-on-one, I usually include a picture of the kids with me. If you'd seen that you probably would have realized that they are all by the same mom. But I haven't posted the pictures publicly since the divorce is not complete and I have no idea what the opposing attorney would attempt to misrepresent.
Since it's been opened up, I have had sexual relations with one woman -- my ex-wife -- all within the marriage. I'm not claiming to be a virgin. I was married for 14 years. To one woman. And faithful to her.
Just as a matter of biology, and since you are not the first person who has expressed this, having a large family does not indicate an unusual amount of sexual activity. I've been told, in front of the kids, that having so many meant I "need to leave my wife alone".
But normal marital relations are quite capable of producing a pregnancy as frequently as every 18 months, or even a little closer if the couple uses little or no birth control. Are you familiar with the Duggars? They have 19 children, though I think a couple pairs of twins are involved.
Anyway, thanks for the perspective that, not only is it a daunting prospect, but it also raises more questions about my morality than if I had fewer children. Quite possibly that would concern other women as well.
Hoosier. . . Years ago, I would have actually looked forward to marrying a man with children, yes even 5 of them! Since I already had children myself, the prospect of helping to raise more would have been much easier for me than for someone who came to the marriage childless. It would have been less of a struggle to understand the fears and anger of my 'step-children' having watched my own children struggle with the hurt and confusion of my divorce.
To find true, adult love with another Christian is no small thing! Personally, for me, it would have multiplied the love I had for my new husband, working side-by-side to raise and nurture all our children. But, I speak from the perspective of an older woman who has had time to reflect on what is really important in life and in love so my view may not be shared by younger women.
�Anyway, thanks for the perspective that, not only is it a daunting prospect, but it also raises more questions about my morality than if I had fewer children. Quite possibly that would concern other women as well.�
Hoosier, I commented on a general note since we do happen to have numerous children these days even when not married! I wasn't necessarily questioning you personally (or else I would have checked out your profile marital status first before writing to you in regard to the number of children). Some weman may not be concerned by this just as NRSV has shared her side of opinion on this.
A healthy normal relationship is possible even if the children were 5 OR more; however this requires first the two of you (lady and a guy) to be realistic of circumstances and possible challenges that you're exposing your selves to, before you both can invite and involve a number of individuals (your children) into this. And yes there are certain issues to be considered regarding the children. Such as anger like NRSV has already made an example of. At times parents may not really know how the process of divorce may have impacted and affected their children, let alone a sudden step parent to adapt to. All this may be overwhelming for the children to take!
Since normal relationships' are often a challenge to keep up with from an ordinary guy and a lady who both don't have children to bring with them in a new relationship, this can only make things a little harder in a situation that you've made an example of in your opening post which brings me to this second rely!
While posting and learning about relationships here, this is what I've taken with me, �A concrete foundation that has not set properly and had the right amount of cure time will crumble. What ever is built on that bad foundation will fall. It is the same with a relationship even though you are sure it is right, and GOD is at the center. It still has to grow and mature. If you go too fast it will be destroyed and will fail. It fails NOT because it wasn't GOD centered. but The foundation didn't have the time needed to be cured and become rock solid. Whatever is built on a uncured foundation is not solid and won't hold up under pressure.�
I hope you don't mind me sharing the above! Here's the reason I did: Being in a relationship with someone doesn't necessarily mean that you have been accepted for who you are and what you're bring with you! I won't dwell deep on the subject of �acceptance� for my reply will surely be longer than it already is! But all in all what is going to happen should by any chance you find yourself having to break the news of separation with your current partner that your children have tried to respect and cope with for your happiness sake inspite of their concerns and maybe anger too for divorcing their mother and introducing them to a lady they didn't know, most probably didn't even like only to have them rejected along with you just cause things didn't work out between the two of you?
Won't you rather work on having a relationship solid and concrete enough before bringing children forth just in case things don't work out, so you spare them from being introduced to any other lady?
Just looking out on what would be best for your children along with your recent partner's (should you find one)
Oh, the fact that the whole step-family puzzle is complex is definitely true. I have read that children always fantasize about their parents getting back together, no matter how bad the situation was prior to the divorce. No doubt mine are no exceptions.
I would certainly want to have a strong relationship with a wife-to-be before introducing her to the kids in that manner. Though ... I would also want to see her attitude toward them. And if she has kids, I would want to see them with her to know what kind of relationship (respect, obedience, closeness ... or not) they have.
If you're suggesting that I really need to be trying yet again to work things out with my ex-wife, I did that for years and the problems grew to the point that further efforts would put the children at unacceptable risk.
Hi Hoosier, women will respond differently in your case depending on their maturity, perspective and experience.
Although it might be too challenging to have 5 kids instantly, I don't see any reason why it should be an issue. However, you really need to do a lot of work to make your kids accept their step-mother. I suggest that you don't take their biological mom out of the picture, I think they need the 3 of you to make the situation more acceptable.
If your woman accepts all your kids unconditionally, then you've got the right one brother.
