Ladies, if you met a guy that you developed feelings for but then in growing in your relationship with him learned that because of his past experiences he was very insecure...would you try to help him see his value or say 'I ain't doing this!!" and walk away...refusing your feelings to devolop further or to give him a chance to see his value in you?
I can answer that one from experience. They won't stick around, they will dump you. In fact, everone will refuse to help you if you are insecure, you have to figure it out on your own.
I wouldn't dump him, at all.. I would want him to know that I loved him and cared about him, and wouldn't leave him.
But in all honesty... I met a man like that before and we got along quite well, I really liked him. The problem arose after we had been talking for some time and he was exceedingly jealous over christian men who would talk to me (even if there was nothing there, or I hadn't conversed with them first).
He became extremely hateful towards me, and went his own way, and wouldn't speak to me, because he was insecure that I didn't like him enough to court him (And I had).
I prayed for him a lot, that God would help him to see his worth.
So, I wouldn't break up with someone who was insecure, I would try to help them through it, but you can only help someone if they're willing to stick around to let you help them.
I hope that give some sort of perspective, stormcountry33.
I wouldn't walk away from a guy that I had feelings for just because he was insecure...but if that insecurity kept him from leading a normal life, having a normal relationship, or had the potential to keep him from being a good father, it would be a red flag for me.
I liken it to this scenario: two people are both moving a large, heavy object; each one has to share the load, push and pull in harmony, and help the other in order for the job to get done. One person might be stronger than the other, and that is to be expected and is perfectly normal...but if the weaker person just sits down on the job and says that they can't do it, because they are so unsure of what to do or because they are tired, then the stronger person will not be able to complete the job. A relationship with an insecure person could be like that; if both people work together and try to carry their own portion of the load, then the relationship should work. If one person gives up and doesn't try and blames it on insecurity, the relationship will likely fail.
MsMarvel, with that kind of attitude, I think you will be one of the ones who will soon find a husband.
Yes, if the guy just sits down and refuses to do it, then I wouldn�t stick around either. Most insecurities come from either a lack of knowledge, or from constant failure at attempting it before.
I remember in college as part of our student initiation they put us into groups and had us work together to overcome an obstacle course. One of the obstacles was a rope obstacle where the bottom rope was six feet off the ground and the top rope was just over your head. The object was to walk across the rope, using the top rope to steady yourself. One of the guys in the team ahead of me had a fear of heights and was not able to get out onto the ropes. Both his team and my team just stood on the ground and yelled at him to �just go� and that he should just stop being afraid and �just do it� that he was making a big deal out of nothing. I soon realized that he wasn�t going to just simply cross the ropes on his own, so I jumped up on the ropes with him and walked with him step by step across the ropes. Not only did I help him across the ropes, but that simple act helped him overcome a lifelong fear of heights.
So, the question is, what kind of girlfriend or wife are you going to be? Are you going to be the one who tries to �encourage him� by dismissing his fears and saying it�s not true? Are you going to �encourage him� by telling him that if he was a �real Christian man� he would not fear but trust in God? Are you going to start quoting 2 Timothy 1:7 (NASB)
For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline. Or, are you going to be the girlfriend or wife that gets up on the ropes and helps him get across?
You know the part that surprised me the most about helping the guy across the ropes? The fear of the people on the ground. They didn�t want to get up on the ropes to help him because they were afraid he would knock them off. I got up on the ropes not because I wasn�t afraid he wouldn�t knock me off, but because I knew falling six feet was nothing. After all, I�m already six feet tall. At least the guy who was afraid to cross the ropes was willing to admit it. The guys on the ground were just being hypocritical.
Well, I don't think that my help would eliminate his insecurity, the fear is within. Even if I want to help and encourage him, nothing external would fix his problem.
It takes courage to admit that he feels insecure in the first place. Simply I think the only source of peace& trust is in the Lord and His unfailing love, and that's a personal experience. No one can save anybody, I can only show him the way, but can't take the medicine for him. He needs to have confidence in God, so he would develop self confidence & security.
@ Cobbler, I liked what u said; helping others in life situations whether it�s a symbolic or real rope a totally different thing than in relationships, the couple might get dragged down this path easily. Many people keep hitting failure in a relationship after the other because they walk in with big expectations that can be provided only by God.
Phoebe: Many times in relationships there is also a simple problem of just not knowing. There is only one person that knows what makes you happy, and that is you. If you don�t tell the other person what that is, they will never know, unless you are willing to put up with them trying repeatedly to guess what it is that you want.
You are absolutely wrong when you state that it is different with relationships. There are always things that someone will be insecure about that their partner can reassure them about. Just take women and their body issues. If a woman feels unsure that her husband doesn�t find her to be beautiful enough, do you think his answer should be that she should just learn to trust in God and just not worry about it anymore? Or do you think the better answer is for him to her some white calla lilies, tell her how he finds her to be beautiful, and to hold her and touch her more often?
Yes, there are times when there is nothing that a wife can do. But, especially when you are trying to start a relationship, there are many things that you can do for each other, if you are willing to give of yourself. The problem is that many people are selfish and expect the other person to just figure it out on their own.
1 Corinthians 7:33-34 (NASB)
33 but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife,
34 � but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband.
The focus in marriage isn�t about the other person making you happy; it is about each one focusing on pleasing the other person.
