So out of the blue one of my former best friends almost girlfriend messages me "for old times sake" to "see how I've been." It would be a very long story to give all the details here but essentially she broke off all contact with me about a year and a half ago.
Previously we had been very good friends throughout high school and college, eventually we both recognized that we had feelings beyond friendship for each other and committed to a serious relationship with the same basic principles of a courtship. She was what I thought to be a strong Christian woman from all the years I had known her and I was very close to her parents (her father was also a pastor). At the time she was living out of state, we had plans to ask for her parents permission to formally enter a relationship when she came back to town during an extended break.
However, things did not even last that long. A few days later she pulls a 180. I forget exactly why since it was quite a few years ago. I do remember she became very argumentative and she would twist everything I said against me. Needless to say I was taken completely by surprise, this was not the person I had come to know from all those years of friendship! We had both always been very opinionated but always managed to keep that in check in a Christian manner. Things pretty much spiraled down out of control and she cut contact with me.
After giving her space I tried reaching out to her to renew our friendship and finally get some straight answers but none of my attempts were successful. Until the "last straw" and she cut off contact again and I let her go completely.
It has been a year and a half free of that sort of drama and I have made peace with it. It was hard to let her go because I cared about her a lot. Now she messages me out of the blue. What is the deal?
My gut says to delete her message and let the past remain in the past. What I would think is my better nature is calling me to show her the same love Christ showed me and reach out to her again if only to just be friends. I will be praying about this decision but I there are quite a few people here on the forum's whose opinions I respect and whom I can trust to give me biblically centered advice.
(And yes this was the short summary version of the story:rolleyes:)
I say move forward with her, but with a degree of skepticism. A few more messages back and forth will likely reveal more about what she's getting at, but you also don't want to throw yourself back into any sort of emotional involvement right off the bat with her. Basically, give her a chance, but don't be reckless with your heart.
I agree with Tulip, approach it cautiously, but be as loving as Christ would be.
Everyone makes mistakes, it could have been she was just going through some rough times. I've gotten into arguments with loved ones I wish I hadn't before, and turned away people I should have held on tighter to.
I regret it, thinking back on it.
Then again there are some relationships you are just glad you're done with, whether they be friendships or relationships. You'll know soon what to do, I'm sure. Spending enough time in someone's company reveals a lot about their heart and their intentions.
My opinion based on what you've said is that you should politely reply to her message (since you were "just friends" in the past), but keep it very surface-level and casual. And DON'T get emotionally involved. If she tries to start back up a deeper relationship, you will have to sort out your feelings then. I suppose it is possible, though, that she just got to thinking about your friendship and realized that she missed keeping up with your life, so she decided to touch base with you and try to get back at least some level of contact.
On the other hand, if you really are completely over this girl, and have no desire to rekindle a friendship that could stir up old feelings, then I don't think you are under any obligation to reply. I know that sounds cold, uncaring, and even harsh. However, you are in a different place in your life now, and she has not been a part of that journey.
I really like MsMarvel's advice!! It's reeeeeaally good.
If your ex is anything the way some ex's are.... I would stay clear of them... Well, I would be friends but I would know my limits. An honest, "I'm sorry, I don't want to go there would suffice". You don't have to make it a big deal.
Let bygones be bygones. I would suggest that if you do plan on seeing her, don't get back together with her or have any form of intimacy for 2 months, just to really find out "where she is" while respecting yourself.
You have to be tough on yourself, but it will save you lots of pain.
Also know that you're an awesome person, and if she's not the one for you, or hasn't or doesn't think as highly of you as you'd want her to, don't worry, because there are tons of other people out there who see you for who you are. You're a really nice guy, so don't settle for anything. Really wait for the Lord's best and someone who can help you emotionally and be there for you.
It's really hard to put myself in her shoes and imagine what she's thinking. But I know as you stay close to the Lord in prayer and his word, the Lord will guide you. God bless you!
I agree with what everyone else has said. I think you need to give her a chance. You need to let the past stay in the past. Sometimes people do stupid things, I know I have been a victim of that one, but people can change. I would proceed with caution though and make sure you explain to her that you need to keep your guard up for a little while so she understands that you won't play any games and you are interested, but want to make sure that the past doesn't repeat its self.
As much as the past hurts us we have to let go of it and not let the things that happened in our past affect our opinion about someone now.
I would also pray about the situation and see if God might have some answers for you.
Thanks for all the good words of wisdom. The Bible is pretty clear when it comes to forgiveness. God commands us throughout scripture to forgive others just as He forgave us. In Hebrews 8:12 it says that God does not remember our sins after we repent and seek His forgiveness.
True forgiveness does not hold grudges on the past. While it is impossible for us to forget those who have wronged us in the past we can choose to treat that person as though they never wronged us. It certainly is easier said than done but God does not call us to what is "easy." He calls us to obey His Word. I firmly believe all the answers of life can be found in Him and His Word.
So it is pretty clear what I must do-- forgive and treat her as I would any other. While we are commanded to forgive, that does not mean we should be foolish either. It these types of situations I certainly agree that caution is especially required. My natural inclination certainly isn't to do what God requires, but fortunately the Holy Spirit is within me and I have a new nature in Christ amen!
It sounds you've already made a decision here, but I'll toss in my 2 cents anyway.
I think pursuing reconciliation is ALWAYS the correct course of action (assuming that it's between two believers; non-believers first must be reconciled to Christ).
Matthew 18 comes to mind here, and the concept of unity within the body of Christ. There isn't unity there if you can look at any one of your brothers or sisters in the Lord and, "I don't want to talk to him or her." That is a sign that you DO need to talk to them; that there needs to be a conversation to clear the air and set things right.
This has been something that has been really heavy on my heart the past few days, and that I've been thinking a lot about. Reconciliation is very difficult and I don't think it's something that comes naturally to any of us. There are many things that get in the way of our desire to reconcile... But I think it all comes down to trusting in God's sovereignty and letting your obedience flow out of that. I also think that if we wait until we "feel" like doing something, that we miss out on a lot of what the Lord has for us. Feelings can be so deceptive. We must trust God more than we trust our feelings and our instincts.
It is important to recognize what reconciliation truly is, though. It does not mean that you have to be best friends (or more) with the person you reconcile with. And it doesn't mean just sweeping things under the carpet. Reconciliation requires a lot of communication, as well as true repentance and forgiveness. If the other party is not willing to repent or to have a conversation to clear the air, then there really can't be any reconciliation. Using salvation as a model here, for us to be saved and reconciled to Christ, the sin that is in the way there has to be addressed. There must be acknowledgment of sin and repentance. Being reconciled to Christ is not just this free-for-all; there is a specific process that must be gone through.
Personally, I would say (and this is hard to say, because my heart isn't really quite there yet), but I think that obedience to Christ in reconciling with those who have hurt us, will bring us joy. True joy is only experienced in those moments when we are in submission to Christ and His Word. I think that one of the greatest honours we can have this side of Heaven is to extend to others what has been extended to us through Christ.
I don't think you've been on here long enough to hear much about my *sordid* past, but I was raped last August, by an ex-boyfriend. He was not a Christian (though he'd lied and said he was) and was physically abusive while we were together. About a year after we broke up (and after some stalking had been going on for a month of so), he followed me out to this secluded beach and raped me.
Just recently (like this past week...), I think I'm finally to a point where if he were to email me and say that he was saved and give me his testimony and request that we reconcile, that I'd be willing to do that. There would definitely need to be some parameters there (in a public place; bring a friend with me...), but I would do it, because I firmly believe it's the right thing to do. Who would I really be to deny a fellow sinner what has been extended to me? How could I ever honestly proclaim that I think what Christ did on the cross is the most amazing thing ever, if I don't think that it's an amazing enough example to actually follow? It would be a joy to be able to welcome someone into the body of Christ who has done some very dark things; it would be a joy to see him regenerated and to see Christ so actively at work there.
Anyway, I have rambled, and I need to get back to my homework soon, but that's my 2 cents.
I had a few thoughts on what you wrote, but it's tough to say without specific details ...
You say that you and she were friends and decided to enter a formal relationship, but she was living in another state at the time. You were going to make that request of her parents when she came back into town on break. But, a few days later she quickly changed.
If I'm understanding your details, my impressions were- could she have bailed out after thinking over the commitment to a long distance relationship? You weren't in a dating relationship with her, you were only friends- and making the transition into a relationship- but a long distance one. My thoughts on her "180" is that she thought about it and couldn't commit to it ... and lacked the maturity to discuss that with you or feared hurting you.
Also, keep in mind that she's only written to say hello again. Maybe try not to assume that she means anything more than that. If she's matured now, she may regret how she treated you and potentially want to make amends ... but may not necessarily want a relationship with you again.
Will you please update this thread for us, and things progress with her? I'd be interested to know what happened. :)
