Hi men of God. What is your take on dating as a Christian? Is there a difference between dating and courting? What is acceptable or not? Lots of questions but I know you guys have wisdom.
For me I vowed never to enter into physical intimacy (kissing, necking etc). I do not want to tempt myself or see how far I can go.
To me the difference between dating and courting is in courting you are serious about finding a spouse. I really get frustrated by the mentality of �we need to start out as just friends�. To me, that is not taking finding someone seriously, that is simply hiding behind the fear of getting hurt.
I think the biggest mistake that people make is thinking that if you are courting someone, that means you have to marry them. Courting simply means that you want to find out if you are right for each other, but the answer could still be no.
With the �let�s just be friends first� mentality, a guy has no clue what is going too far, when does the relationship change from �just friends� to dating. Really, in that situation it is completely up to the woman how the relationship progresses, the guy just has to hang on for the ride. For a guy who is younger (say 20s) this is ok, because they generally aren�t quite ready to be married anyways, so they can fake being �just friends�. For us older guys who have nothing holding us back (except finding the one), it can be very difficult to not think about the possibility of marriage early on.
My basic point is, starting out as �just friends� seems disingenuous to me. The whole point of courting is to be honest and open with each other.
Now you know, there are some teachings that suggest that their really is no true difference between dating and courting, and that for younger people at least, dating should not even occur. That only marriage worthy individuals should begin courting, which is what we know as dating.
Otherwise, I would suggest that a working man's definition is that dating is the enjoyment of doing on dates with others, and courting is when you are seriously investgating marriage with that particular someone.
I admit that some women may use this as a means to keep a guy at bay. Some even to guard their hearts but you cannot deny that it is a good foundation to have when so many people rush into relationships and those first starry moment fade and then your left wondering
"who is this person really?"
I believe friendship is a good foundation for any relationship after Christ. However I do not condone it being used to manipulate guys. But it's a two way street gentlemen.
I think that is another misconception about courting, that it is not about friendship, but some sort of marriage contract. The most important thing in a marriage is friendship. Courtship is about becoming friends and about seeking marriage. Dating is just playing around.
This is a real good post ya'll and I agree with what everyone says.
I think we get to serious in dating/courting and it puts to much pressure.
@Cobbler women will non verbally let you know if they want more...you have to "live with them in understanding" as the scriptures say. Women often guard their heart fiersly (i think that speleed right lol) cause it SEEMS like once they let a man have it they cant get it back when they want it....where as men can shut their emotions down by an act of will.
Rabbit, that�s one of my big problems. I am autistic, so I have an extremely hard time picking up on those queues. I am very dependent on verbalizing their desires, and it�s impossible to get someone to understand where I am coming from. I have been trying and trying to understand for many years now, but all I can do is guess. I would have to say that is THE biggest reason why I am still single, because I am not capable of understanding how to get to the point where we don�t have to play the game of �are we in a relationship or not�. That is one of the reasons why I like the idea of courting, because you communicate to each other on a regular basis on where you feel you are in the relationship so that there are no misunderstandings.
I have lived outside of the U.S. and I can tell you from experience that in other non-European countries, it is assumed that when you are going out with someone it is for the purpose of finding a spouse. There isn�t any playing of games about being just friends or not. I think that is one of the attractions for many men towards women from outside of the country.
Forgive me Cobber I had no idea, you are certainly in a unique position in life, but I dont bleieve its hopless. I barley know anything about Autism, but I remember they have problems socially but you seem like a very intelligent and articulate man. Are you able to learn things like non verbal communication?
I have Asperger�s syndrome, and I am high functioning. I have done well and have been able to learn to fit in in most places. I think growing up on the mission field and constantly meeting new people has really helped. I have noticed, however, that as I get older people are not as willing to be patient with me. It�s not a big deal to explain how to behave socially to someone who is a child, but it gets more annoying to have to spell things out for someone who is in their 40s.
I am actually able to learn someone�s non-verbal communication very well, but it�s different for each person. I basically have to start over with each woman I meet. So, I can�t just sit down with someone and learn the social queues that someone will give, and then go out and apply that to everyone else. I know people mean well when they try and teach me all the social queues, but the truth is that most of the time it�s not that I don�t see them, it�s that my mind doesn�t process the queues right away. There are times that I won�t figure out what someone was trying to queue me in on until several months later. I will be sitting around and it will just suddenly hit me.
I know if I can spend the time with someone I can do well. Most Aspies do well if they can spend time doing things with someone, and not doing the traditional dinner date. That is where we are the worst. The problem is, especially at my age, women don�t get out and do anything to be able to get out and be seen. The only option I have is to ask them out, which is where I am the worst.
The physical problem with an Aspie is that the nerves do not have proper shielding, so signals in the brain tend to short circuit, or in some cases multiply. For those who are gearheads, it�s a lot like having bad shielding on your sparkplug wires. When we get nervous, there are a lot more signals going through the brain (like most people) and therefore a lot more room for failure. As you mess up, you get even more nervous causing more failures. If things get too overwhelming, then usually we just lock up and aren�t able to figure out what to do next until someone helps us out. Since I can�t pick up on the social queues, it really helps to calm me down if I can just know where I stand.
One of the reasons why I like being on these forums is because it�s not real-time. I can take my time and think about what I am saying, so that really helps me to relax. The difficulty is when I meet them in person. The get taken aback because I come across as very different then the person they were writing to. Once I calm down and I am not so nervous I will come across as the same person, but they have to stick around to find out.
I really made a mistake when I was younger. I waited to start dating until I had worked through some things, but I missed out on a lot of experience in dating. By the time I started dating, women had much higher expectations for me, and I have done nothing but fail ever since. I have started out way behind everyone else, and all I do is fall further and further behind every year. If you are someone with a problem like me, you really need to find someone while they are young and don�t expect as much from you. Otherwise you will just end up all alone like me.
I agree with cobbler. Dating is "in the wind" so to speak, and courting, to me, has a clear emphasis on marriage. Not that you are bound by some contract to marry the person you court or anything. Just that the vision of courting, I think, is more geared toward two people fitting together in such a way as would make marriage possible.
I believe, when courting, the end goal is finding a spouse. There should be singular focus on that ONE person you are courting. If you are "keeping your options open" then you aren't serious enough about the relationship, you aren't committed enough, and that is unfair to the one you are courting.
Cobbler, I never would have known of your medical situation. You pretty much always post clearly and knowledgably. I was sorry to read your last paragraph there.
Psalm 38:15 KJV
For in thee, O LORD, do I hope : thou wilt hear , O Lord my God.
I will pray for you Cobbler. The Bible says God records EVERY tear in a book. I hope you find someone and she brightens your whole world as the one I found does mine. I thought with as little as I get out besides work, and with my beliefs and everything I would never find someone, but I believe God has provided me with someone so amazing that somehow manages to be better than I had thought to wish for even.
I am no spiritual giant or anything Cobbler, I don't even currently have a church home, but God still blesses and I know He will bless you. Maybe not how and when we would like, but how and when it is best for us.
Thank you for your words of encouragement, GntlGnt, I am glad that you have found someone, and I hope things work out for you. It�s a lot easier for you to find someone at your age. At my age, it would take a miracle to find someone who is willing to give me a chance.
