Today I watched my mom eat. She ate slowly, chewing every bite extremely well before swallowing. She then took a drink to help it go down. We had pizza, and the kids and I were done long before she had taken three bites. The tumor is coming back.
I realize it's four in the morning, I'm tired, and my emotions are running high, but I'm not ready for this. I thought I would have another year at least with her, and a year is a long time to put off thinking about the inevitable. But now it's hitting me head on that the cancer is back, full force. She has made the decision to starve to death when she can no longer swallow at all. She will refuse another feeding tube. When the cancer was first detected (because she was having a hard time swallowing), it was a few months before they put in the tube. I looked it up, and dying by starvation takes 1-2 weeks. That's it. 1-2 weeks. So from the moment that she can no longer eat or drink, I will be able to almost time her death. And judging from the onset of the last time she couldn't swallow, she may not make it past Christmas. And I thought I had another year. I'm just not ready for this.
I want to go back in time - I want to slap my 15-year-old face for thinking she might be an embarrassment to me at the store. I want to go to bed when she told me to, instead of staying up and making her lose sleep. I want to go back and take her advice - wait for some things, and not hold back for other things. I want to take back all the times I lied to her and did stuff behind her back. I want to take back all the times I wouldn't open up to her, although she wanted to be there for me, because I thought she was too old and just wouldn't understand. In reality, she understood...and waited to pick up the pieces. I know many times she may have thought she could have been a better parent to me. I realize now that's not true. I could have been a better kid to her.
I'm an adult. I know the pain of childbirth, I know the pain of divorce, I know the pain of life's curve balls. But in facing this, I feel like I'm eight years old again, asking my mom what would happen if she would die. And I can still hear her response: "You don't ever need to worry about that. I'll live forever." Typical response to an eight year old, but at 42, I still want to know what I'm going to do without her.
Am I okay? No, I'm not. I think about the end - when she's in the hospital in the last days. Will she grab my hand and tell me she's not ready yet? Will she cry and be afraid? And worst of all, will she try to protect me and only cry when she's alone? I think we reach a time when you're not only the child, but you also become the parent to your parent - you have the same fierce love and protective instincts that you do with your own children. How can I look at her and tell her everything will be okay through tears? How can I calm her if she's afraid of letting go, especially when I want to hang onto her? Will I be able to hold myself together when I know it's nearing the end, when what I need to do is be strong? And what is strong, anyway? Trying to make her believe that death is no big deal? It is a big deal. It's huge.
Call this a momentary lack of faith, call it being human. I don't know. I believe she will be with Christ when she dies - I have no doubts about that. But it's the transition that scares me. And if you're truly honest with yourself and have ever thought about or faced your own mortality, the transition scares us all. Eternity was placed in our hearts - not in our minds.
Ouch! Thanks for sharing. There's not much to add or comment really, you've said it all. I just lost my dad last year to a long-term illness, and it was brutal seeing him in ICU literally for months on end, hooked up to every machine under the sun.
If your mother's saved, then I gotta tell ya, there's not a whole lot more you can ask for, because death will come. I don't know if being warned it's coming iis a good thing or not. I think it would be a good thing, because you can say your goodbyes.
My dad knew he was going to die when they transferred him to Ottawa - he wouldn't let them take him in the ambulance until the whole family was there and he said goodbye. I didn't know that would be the last time I'd see him alive, so I'm glad we said goodbye.
At least you get to say goodbye and get to say the things you want to say Lynn. I was having one of my emotional fits last week, thinking about how I didn't honour my Dad enough while he was alive. Sure, I'd call him on Father's day, but never told him "thanks" for the oh-so-many things he taught me; I just didn't think of it, that's all.
It sounds like you have a good relationship with your mother; that's great - my Dad and I didn't have a good relationship until late in life - a miracle from the Lord who did a lot of work in both of us.
Let me start by telling you how beautiful I think your post was. I think you should maybe print it out and give it to her when she is in those last stages. I think it will be as precious to her as it was to me - and more.
Since you know that she is a Christian and she will be leaving this world to be with God, naturally your thoughts are on the actual process of dying and of your loss and the loss of other loved ones.
I hope that you will be able to put aside all of the concerns of how you should act and how she is going to act. She sounds like she has been a great mother and I can't believe that she will have a problem no matter what you do.
If you cry, you cry and that's okay ... and I think it will be okay with her.
If she cries, that's okay.
If you can laugh together, that's okay.
If you talk about the past, that's okay.
If you talk about how much you will miss her, that's okay.
If you are silent, that's okay ...
If she is silent, that's okay...
The only thing that matters is that you love each other and you will be with her through this process and you will be seeing each other again.
Just be with her .... that's what we would all want I think.
I'm sort of new to this site but I already know that you will be supported in prayer from many people here, including me.
So keep reaching out to God, family, and friends as you go through this - you do not have to go alone.
Linnie, i'm sorry for what you're going through. seeing a dear one waste away slowly and there's nothing that can be done is the hardest thing to see. i lost my aunt last november to a similar situation. she had altheimers disease. the family was able to say goodbye, but she couldn't. but in our hearts we knew that somehow she could sense the love of her family. please know that we are here for you anytime of day or night. i will be praying for all of you.
dear linnie, i hope you can feel the love here reaching out to you here.. my goodness.. i feel so for you.. dont know anything much i can say that may make you feel much better.. cept i do know that the times i was close to dying and did die for a spell .. that i was at peace with it all.. after being saved.. i just felt peace.. and though i really didnt wanna die i did accept that i may at any time... the suffering part i dont know how id feel if it wasnt quicklike ya know.. i just pray for you and your family and your mom.. comfort and peace be unto you all i pray .. in JESUS NAME .. amen
Dear Lynn, God Bless you. Your words touch my heart, my Dad stopped eating in his last days having Alzheimers 4 years ago, in some ways we (my family) saw this as a blessing and wondered if some how deep inside that it might have been of his own will. All eight of us kids were able to make it to say our goodbyes, my oldest sis just an hour before he passed, like he was waiting for her. The "take backs" you spoke of was something that touched me most... privately on my knees holding his hand I asked his forgiveness for the things I'd put him and mom through as a kid and a younger man and when I was finished he squeezed my hand long and hard as if to say it's all okay, I bawled like a baby. Mom went from a stoic super mom to a little hunched old lady who can't get out of her own way, (her words) , she just hasn't been the same since his burial and sleeps 20 hours a day and seems to be fading fast.
Sorry to go on, this just brings back that memory to me...I just wanted you to know I feel for you and will also be praying for you,
be well and the Lord's strength be with you and yours....Jim
Thanks everyone so much for your prayers. It's truly appreciated. I'm usually pretty upbeat and positive about her cancer. I know it will take her life, but we've become closer in these months, and I'm truly blessed to have been given the opportunity to change my views on her, our relationship, priorities, and living. It just gets difficult when I let the focus slip off the big picture - her eternal salvation and everlasting life with God, and put it on the small picture - me. I don't remember a day in my life that I haven't spoken to her on the phone at least once. Not deep conversations, mind you, but a phone call to say things like, "Do you have a hammer I can borrow?" It will be strange to know she's not there anymore and I'm already wondering how many times I'll try to call her phone number out of habit once she's gone. I have to remind myself sometimes that her life with our Creator will be so much more wonderful than a life here on earth loaning out hammers.
With the friends and family I have here, and the incredible people (you) that I have met online, I know I'll get through this. I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me.
I know what your going through, i lost my mom to cancer. your never with out her. the strength she gave you goes on. her memory will tell you whats right.She is a part of you. the hardest part isn't seeing her go. its missing her. take what time you have, make each moment count. Make her time as good as you can. Be to her what, she was to you. And realize you can't loose her only be apart for awhile. She will hold you again in the light of our Savior:purpleangel:.
Linnie, I lost my Grandmother earlier this year. In her last days she suffered terribly to the point it was blessing to see her let go and be with the Lord. It was truly hard, but her two daughters were there and I was there too, and even when she could no longer communicate back with us, I think she could definitely hear us, and I talked with her about how the Sunrises and Sunsets in Heaven would be even more beautiful than the ones from her view on Prior Lake when they live there. Hard as it was, she she passed, my Aunt and my Mother had me sing Hymns to here, the old Hymns the ones she loved., and I sang Amazing Grace My Chains are Gone to her too, and I think she really liked it. Not an easy task with tears streaming down your face, but I think it was a beautiful passing, and I hope some day there will be some that love me enough to do the same.
As I drove home, a two hour drive, I kept envisioning her with my Grampa and step Grampa, one on each side of her, and they all looked younger and happier, and well.
A couple months later I lost one of my two beagles, who are both very old, and he too had a wonderful passing from one master to another and better Master. People ask me all the time about God's plan for pets. I have no idea, but I know He cares for all His beloved creatures, and His plan is perfect and that is good enough for me.
It is hard to suffer the loss of those we love dearly, but it all becomes so much more bearable when we trust God, and we believe He has it all under control, and His plan is Perfect.
I truly believe we are in the Last Days Linnie, our time apart might not be so far away as we think, or who knows, we might still all go together.
Whatever the plan is, make that decision to Trust God to Be God, and it will all work out because His Plan is Perfect, and that means both perfect for us, and perfectly wonderful, and of one thing I am sure, with Him in charge, it will all work out better than we can fathom.
Praying for you Linnie~~Been through it with my mom 6 years ago. It hurts bad and you will never be the same, but allow yourself to feel everything, it looks like you are and that is good~~ God will hold you even when You don't realize it.
