Hello everyone, I need some advice here. I just had a birthday a day ago and I woke up and had absolutely barely any of my family say happy birthday. My mom was in the hospital so I had to pick her up later that day and the entire day my brothers left and they were talking about their food and gym and left me at home.
I had to buy my own lunch and came home to nothing again. My family started watching tv and ignoring me doing their own thing. I was seething so I left the house for hours and did not even open my cards and gifts.
Today was my mom's birthday and I went all out, as I always do, to put a tablecloth and special plates. My brother gave her roses and they had a really nice cake while they gave me a cheap store bought stale cake. My mom definitely should have nice things but I got totally slighted.
There was absolutely nothing remembered or special on my day. Even last year, I treated everyone to a movie and no one again took me out to eat. I had to buy my own dinner.
I am still so angry. I explained myself but no one seems to care. What should I do?
Thank you for your kind answer. In my family, my brothers are 28 and 22 and they still get taken out for their day. Even my mom we take her out. Last 2 years there has been no remembrance. Cake, gifts, cards etc. Happens every year with us but everyone gets theirs remembered by doing something that day.
Okay, so the first thing I’d like to know as a follow-up is, why are you comparing yourself to your mother? That seems like an apples to oranges comparison to me.
My other thought is this: Since you are the eldest sibling, you don't have another older sibling to compare your experiences to. It’s normal for parents to put less effort into their kids’ birthdays after they reach certain age milestones. You probably have to wait a little longer to see if the same thing happens to the older of your two brothers. Was this something that you noticed all of a sudden?
A couple other questions to consider:
1: Has this happened for Christmas as well?
2: Were there other things happening that made the time around your birthday more hectic for your family than when others' birthdays came around? The most obvious example of this that comes to mind for me is the December birthdays where you not only get the dreaded "this is for birthday AND Christmas" line, but everyone's genuinely so busy that even if they don't give you that line, it can seem like your special day gets lost in the chaos.
My point in this line of questioning is that there may be underlying circumstances that have contributed to this situation that you haven't considered or don't know about. Unfortunately, since I'm just a stranger on the internet who doesn't know any more about the situation than what you tell us, I'm also just kind of throwing spaghetti at the wall here to see what sticks.
I hope that something of what I've mentioned might help you find some answers. I can't remember if you said you did this or not, but the best thing to do might be to go to your family and ask them about it: to calmly tell them how it appeared to you and how it makes you feel and ask them what was happening that created the situation.
The only thing certain is that you can't change anyone other than yourself. If your family dissappointed you, you can't change their attitude or actions for that event, but you can communicate how you felt. Not nessesarily telling them what was wrong this time, but telling them what you want for the future.
Something like: I would like to have a birthday next year where my immediate family really get out of their way to make my birthday an all-day event, with more effort than usually to really give me the birthday mood. I want a festive and tasty cake (insert type) balloons, streamers, Special soft drinks that I like, maybe even a surprise home made breakfast with pancakes and .....
I can't say what you want, but you can tell them yourself. Culturally the expectations is also very different. My parents haven't made me a birthday party since I was 12. I also only get money from them as a gift because they are horrible at picking stuff that I don't need or like.
If I have celebrated my birthday, I have been in the kitchen all day myself, cooking and baking for the guests. Lately I am tired of it, so since my 30th birthday I have been going out to eat, and inviting friends to come along if they want to join me and pay for their own plate. Gifts is not nessesary, it is my weakest love language.
This year, when I had my birthday 2 weeks ago I was abroad at my best friends place. Her husband had a huge birthday party the day before mine, so we had loads of leftover cakes. I cooked a simple dinner for the 3 of us and I invited a handful of friends over in the evening and served the leftovers.
The day after I invited my friend and her husband to a steak house and treated them with a proper birtday dinner for me and my friends husband. All of the expences on me.
My parents sent me a birthday text message and a very generous cash gift. 2/3 of my brothers forgot to message me at all, and the last one messaged me one day late.
I could be very sad about this, but I can't change anyone other than myself, so I have decided a long time ago not to let this get to me.
