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dance2cedm

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Have you ever been ghosted, or has ghosted someone?
Posted : 23 Sep, 2020 04:51 AM

Regarding #2: Back in the '80s, I had been dating a girl for six weeks when she disappeared. We worked at the same place and she disappeared from her job, too. Once, I finally called her on the phone; she said she was eating with her family and would call me back, but she never did. A few months later I went to her house to return a book that I had borrowed while we were dating. She invited me in and we talked for awhile. I never asked why she left. I figured if she had wanted to tell me, she would have. I never saw her again.

I guess that's the way I look at dating situations online -- if someone doesn't want to tell me why they no longer want to interact, I'm okay with that. Yes, I may wonder, "Was it something I said?" but mostly I figure they just realized they weren't feeling the connection but had no words to say so.

dance2cedm

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Can We Respect Women, Please? A New Look at the Church's View on Lust
Posted : 9 Aug, 2020 09:59 PM

This article mentions the book Every Man's Battle and the "bounce your eyes" concept. I read the book years ago and had a similar reaction as this author -- what a terrible mindset! As this author describes, such a mindset -- all too common in Modesty Culture -- sees women only as sexual objects. So much in Purity Culture is like this, where there are those who even say two married people unmarried to each other should never be in a car alone together, even to ride to work or church together. The underlying assumption of that is that all male/female interactions are inherently sexual, thus reducing others from full humans to sexual objects.

Modestly Culture also makes men out to be helpless lustful pigs, so helplessly lustful that women must be the guardians of the lust of men. As this article points out, such an attitude is harmful to women, making them feel ashamed about their God-given bodies. I like this from the article's author: "I don’t recall Jesus saying 'If your right eye causes you to sin, make sure that everything in your environment is adjusted so that nothing that would make you stumble comes into view.' He clearly puts the onus on the one looking rather than the one being looked at, yet strangely that is hardly ever talked about in churches."

dance2cedm

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The Truth About Modesty Culture, And How It Affects Men and Women
Posted : 9 Aug, 2020 09:40 PM

CountryIvy, this is an EXCELLENT article and goes along with a passion of mine, to dismantle such harmful messages being promulgated in the church. Modesty Culture goes against the psychological concept of healthy boundaries in relationships: In a healthy relationship, you are not responsible for other people's feelings. Unhealthy boundary: "You made me angry!" Healthy boundary: "I feel angry by what you did!" Similarly, it is unhealthy to make women responsible for men's lust; men are responsible for controlling their own lust. This article gives excellent examples of how harmful it is to expect women to be responsible for someone else's lust.

I also like that it pointed out the verse in Matthew that is so often misquoted. There is a difference between looking at a woman and enjoying the artistry of God, and looking at a woman and drooling with something like, "Oh man, I'd love to have my hands all over her body." The latter is lust, the former is not. Purity culture has made men feel guilty for having God-given reactions of delight at the beauty of women when no lust is present.

dance2cedm

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From the woman's side
Posted : 9 Aug, 2020 09:12 PM

Others here have already mentioned the ways you can let someone know of your interest -- wink, message, add to favorites. Everyone has their preferences and what each action means to them. Here are mine.



I rarely respond to a message where someone just writes "hi," especially because for so long I specifically stated on my profile that I was looking for messages that were more than a few words. I eventually removed it because it was clear that the people who were just writing "hi" weren't reading my profile anyway. If someone writes to me, I want to have some evidence that they've actually read my profile so that I know that their interest in me is genuine. Even if it's a one-sentence message that reveals there's something I wrote that interests them, that's a good way to start a conversation.



I never send winks. I know some women are shy about making the first move (or perhaps even against it), so I may check out their profile if I think there's a possibility I may be interested.



I mostly use Favorites for times when I'm browsing and see someone I want to consider but don't have time at the moment. If I still like them after I later read their profile, I'll leave them in Favorites; otherwise I remove them.



Another way I use Favorites is for women who have settings that prevent me from writing to them, hoping they'll see that they're on my Favorites and at least be curious enough to check out my profile. For example, I've noticed women whose acceptable age settings are all younger than their current age, so I'm guessing they haven't adjusted their settings as they've gotten older (if they're even on the site anymore). It seems, though, that sometimes CDFF won't even let me add them to my Favorites if I'm not completely within their settings.

dance2cedm

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Hey - Barbara from OKC!
Posted : 1 Jun, 2020 07:46 PM

When I first saw "from OKC," I thought you meant OKCupid! (Well, OKCupid is owned by Match, and you were on Match...) I've been on OKCupid since 2012. What I like about OKCupid is that they have many questions people answer, which can tell you more than a profile typically does. One question is, "Do you have to sleep with someone before you will marry them?" I've learned that the majority of people who say they are Christian and it's important, and talk about how much they love God and all their church involvement, answer that question yes. CDFF doesn't ask such questions, so you're on your own to find out. Based on my experience at OKCupid, I would say you should assume they expect sex before marriage unless you find out otherwise.

dance2cedm

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Christian Men on CDFF
Posted : 28 Dec, 2019 12:16 AM

One thing I look at on CDFF is church attendance -- I want to see "every week." Statistically, the divorce rate is lowest among people who attend church every week, no matter which denomination. And since this is a Christian site, most people claim to be Christian, so the factor that can be a clue to their seriousness is this detail of church attendance. Granted, the frequency of church attendance doesn't necessarily correlate with the depth on one's relationship with God, but with so little information available on most people's profiles, I need to look for the most informative clues.

dance2cedm

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Favorites?
Posted : 28 Dec, 2019 12:00 AM

Some people set an age range and it's a hard age range for them -- they absolutely wouldn't consider someone one year beyond it. Others set an age range as an approximation, not thinking about the fact that on CDFF it's a hard range when it comes to contacting someone -- if their top age range is 45 and you're 46, you can't write to them. Or, they set their age range when they first joined but have never thought to update it, and it's no longer their same range. It is for the latter two groups that the Favorites can be helpful.



I have put people in my Favorites that I can't contact because they have some setting that prevents me from contacting them...and they later contact me! Once they contact me, I can respond to them and we can interact. Without my posting them in my Favorites, I may not have had that opportunity.

dance2cedm

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Longest Profile
Posted : 10 Aug, 2019 10:44 PM

I disagree. My biggest frustration on this site is that the profiles are way, way too short. When women hardly say anything at all about themselves, it gives me no idea whether or not I think we would be a good match and someone I would want to take the time to pursue. The less a woman writes, the less likely I am to contact her.



I know a woman on this site with a longer profile than the one you posted, so your example is not the longest. But in my book, longer is better. -- at least if it's well written, and the one in your example is.

dance2cedm

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Is distance a big deal for love or not? Does it matter if you are living in different country?
Posted : 26 Sep, 2017 12:22 AM

I look at it like this: The farther away someone is, the more fantastic the person must be, because of the increased difficulty in actually getting to know each other. You can't fully know someone until you are with them in person, and the farther away they are, the more that costs, even to see one time, let alone enough times to be certain about a person. So for someone far away, particularly in another country, I must be really convinced the person is someone amazingly special.



Unfortunately on this site, most women hardly say anything at all about themselves in their profile, so they don't provide anything to attract me to them. A couple short sentences is not enough to even get a taste of your personality, let alone to learn enough about you to spark my interest.

dance2cedm

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Wanting children in your 40s?
Posted : 23 Apr, 2017 12:22 AM

I'm 56 and have never had children but would like to. Most of my friends are having their first babies, so I'm surrounded by that now (most of my friends are in their 20s or 30s). While it may be rare to find a man who wants children to be looking to marry someone in her 40s, certainly they exist. Of course, when you're looking for something rare like that, the available pool of people to date is much smaller, and then you have all the other compatibility factors to consider, so it can make it difficult to find someone.

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