About 2 months ago on here, I started a topic asking about women's habits for weighing themselves (and then potentially skipping meals), which then turned into pages of me talking about my eating disorder with JesusLovesYouAndMe. I also told you all that I packed my scale up and put it in the trunk of my car so that I wouldn't have easy access to it.
Since then, I've gotten a few emails about eating disorders in general and/or asking how I'm doing. The answer is that I'm not doing that well. I thought I'd share, just in case anyone else can relate, or just happened to be curious about whether the scale is still hidden away.
Sadly, the scale is back in my apartment. It has been for awhile. At first, I was really okay around it and pretty much just ignored it actually. But, once I was about a week into pregnancy (or, knowing that I was pregnant rather), I panicked and started hopping on real regularly. And I was eating okay, for the baby. I still managed to gain 10 pounds in a very short amount of time. So, now that I'm post-pregnancy/miscarriage, I have this excess weight on top of my already very imperfect body.
I am really, really struggling. Now that I'm not pregnant, there's no reason for me to eat or to keep any food I do eat down, so... I haven't kept down anything I've eaten since Monday. I said to someone on the phone last night that I was going to be good today, but now that I'm actually out of bed and facing the day, I don't really feel like being good. And I really don't see the point in keeping any food down, or even really in ever eating again in the first place.
Intellectually, I know who I am in Christ and I know that the # on the scale makes no difference as for as my identity goes, but that just isn't reaching my heart right now.
I'm in this downward spiral right now and I'm scared I won't stop in time.
Anyway, I know this is more of a prayer request than anything, but I put it here since the original topic was here, and also because I'm open to discussing the topic, v. just having people pray for me.
Pixy, although our intentions are good and wholesome...you must realize that we are not professionals -- we are not experienced or qualified to give advice.
the dark one will fill your head with Lies. he will try to deceive you and keep you in your pain and suffering. Seek professional help. Perhaps your Pastor might know someone or perhaps they themselves are qualified.
The mind is a Terrible Torturer of The Soul. It will take a tremendous effort to change behavior patterns, but it can be done.
You show enormous Courage in this Post and the Strength need to Prevail.
Hopefully, you are doing better by the time you read this. I haven't checked the forums for a couple of days and to be honest I got a lil surprised reading this post (or if I may add, again lol can't believe it was months ago since the similar post was brought up, hang in there, dear)
I have to agree on Cobbler here, there must be something about your past (or the gap between the last post on this topic and this post) that has affected you on this. And, maybe u haven't recovered fully from it, otherwise u wouldn't post this kind of topic anymore :) I love u, Pix, I think all of us here are esp we who put comments on this topic. Maybe the case of you miscarried baby is the reason behind you were pulling back your scale again? As far as I could recall, the last time we were talking this u have overcomed this problem by taking away ur scale?
As others have said, I personally (I believe others agree with me on this), you are such a beautiful woman and u dun need any scale, dear :)
And ohhhh from the last post, I have learned that it was not all about weight, there are muscles and bones to be mentioned as well. And of course, some big body parts like u mentioned in the last post (ummm I dun want to be the person who say it loud here). The standard of "scaling" was measured upon men/women in general. For example for women, the standard would be less muscles, average body type (well proportioned aka dun have any big body part), average bone size (women in general usually have small bones). So, women with bigger bones, more muscles and big body parts, would weight more than average. Dun let just some standard of average women drive u nuts, it's for them, not for YOU. You are unique, you are YOU. You are not them, you are not women in general. So.. Please smile :)
My aunt came from Australia last Wednesday (one of the reason of me not checking the forum) and she was so stressed out of her hubby that has been sick for months. Couple months ago, her hubby was going from one surgery to another surgery yet hadn't shown any sign of healing. By that time she lost weight a lot (she didn't mention but when I saw her pics yes she did lose lots of pounds). Now her hubby is doing better and her brother in law is there to accompany my uncle. When I saw her at first last Wednesday, we all commented the same on how she gained weight. She just smiled and replied our comments with "the most important thing is to be happy". She had the same problem with u I think, sort of like eating disorder but it happened when I was still very young so I didn't remember much about it. But I remember she went from one nutritionist to another nutritionist and she always told us the newest dieting method. Today I spent a day with her to a wedding party, as usual wedding parties, foods are everywhere and we tried all foods. I told her that I should stop eating when she tried to put another chocolate pudding in my mouth (boy that chocolate pudding was very delicious) and she told me this, "When your uncle was sick, I lost lots of weight. I couldn't even eat anything. Eating was just another form of persecution for me. Now your uncle is getting better, I could start eating. And I dun want to persecute myself by not eating when I can eat now. I want to do things that make me happy, and eating these foods are one of them." She gave me a big smiled and of course the chocolate pudding went to my throat with so many other foods after that lol believe me, ur body knows. If ure not happy, ur metabolism would not be working well. And if ur stomach is growling, it would affect ur mood for sure, then ur metabolism wouldn't work as it should be, then it would affect ur weight.
Pix, everything is gonna be alright (I dunno why I say that but sometimes I just need to hear that, maybe u need to hear that as well) =)
Another thing, Proverbs17:22. I think there's a post Cobbler started on "Ask a guy" section, maybe u could find some things that would make ur heart "merry" lol
WE LOVE YOU, PIXY! :applause: and remember, you are not alone, you have Jesus and you have your sisters and brothers in Christ here (aka us :goofball:)
PS. If something weird I wrote above please understand that it's past midnite here and I had a loooong day lol I dun have any strength left, just drop this one post to encourage my dear sister here ;) oh dear that was a very long post lol
Everyone, thank you. I appreciate you all taking the time to encourage me, pray for me, and offer up suggestions more than I can truly express. I was a little afraid to check back on my topic here, for fear of seeing people condemning me. But, you all have extended love towards me, and for that I am grateful.
I feel a little better today. I haven't hopped on the scale yet, although I can barely concentrate on typing because I want to so badly. I'm very hungry and need to tackle some late breakfast/early lunch soon. I'm a little afraid that I'll lack the self-control to not make myself throw up afterwards, but I have to start somewhere with getting back on track, eh? I will probably try a piece of toast or cup of soup, as those are things that I'm rarely tempted to throw up.
I am disgusted with myself and the fact that all of these obsessive thoughts are even in my head. If I had known 17+ years ago when I started this, that it would turn into an addiction that I would still be battling into my thirties, I never would have started. I wish I'd known how dangerous eating disorders are; I wish someone had told me that this wasn't the road I should walk down and give my life to.
After I tackle eating and keeping food down, I'm going to spend some time reading Natalie Grant's, "The Real Me, Being the Girl God Sees." The book is about Natalie's struggle with bulimia and includes some good journaling exercises. I am hoping that reading through part of that today and spending some extensive time in prayer will go a long ways towards getting me back on track.
@Paschen: Thank you for your practical suggestions. Those are things that I've known intellectually, but it really does help to hear someone affirming those things to me and letting me know what doesn't work as far as losing weight.
@pianogal: I got your message and will go respond to it when I'm done here. I read it last night, but wasn't in a place emotionally to really respond to it properly.
@2sparrows: I appreciate your effort, even though the result didn't come through! I've had posts get lost too =( So annoying! I know that God is sovereign over what happened to my baby, but the fact remain that she (or he) died inside of my body, likely due to a genetic issue that I have (and possibly didn't manage properly -- though I did the best I could). It's difficult not to feel guilt there. I came to a place where I had a peace about it, but then the guilt started to rear its ugly head again. And I will pray for you, as well.
@GodsHandiwork: No, I'm not sure I'm over the strep actually, but it's hard to tell since I've been abusing my body so badly this week. I finished up the antibiotic on Wednesday night, but some of those doses got puked up with the food I was puking up. My fever broke, though, and I don't feel as bad as I did. But, I shall go back to urgent care in a few days if my throat doesn't start to feel better. I am keeping fluids down. I've only been drinking water, though (and not nearly enough to rehydrate myself) -- nothing with any calories.
@Cobbler: Yes, when I started up with my eating disorder back when I was 14, it was definitely related to the abuse that I'd been through. In being a child prostitute and posing for pornography, I was subject to a lot of comments about my appearance... crass, sexual comments... The one thing that I'll never forget is how, fairly early on, when I was maybe around 6 or 7, this one guy started explicitly describing for me how the shape of my body turned him on. At one point, he specifically was going on-and-on about my thighs and how they were so womanly... Flash-forward to when I was 14 and developing. I remember standing in front of the mirror one morning, looking at my expanding thighs and remembering the guy who many years before had been turned on by them and and hurt me specifically (v. one of the other girls) because he liked my thighs. I hated that my thighs were just becoming more womanly looking and I hated my body. Those kinds of thoughts are what drove me to the eating disorder. In retrospect, hurting myself only affirms the disrespect of my body, but, at the time, it felt like I was counteracting the sexual aspects of myself and becoming pure. And then, once I got started, I gained this incredible sense of control. Of the first time in my whole life, I felt like I was the one in control of my body. Anyway... this is getting waaay too long...
@Arch: Thanks you for your thoughts and prayers. I did briefly go to counseling many years ago. It helped some, but I must admit that I'm not terribly keen on counseling. You are so right about our minds... It all begins with thoughts...
@JesusLoves: Thank you for all of your encouragement here. Yes, the miscarriage has definitely been a part of why I've relapsed. I feel like I'm less a woman for not being able to carry a baby to term and that my body is horrible and doesn't deserve to be fed. I know that those thoughts are lies, but the thoughts are still there and are difficult to shut off. The "big body parts" -- ha! Yes, that is something I need to consider when looking at the scale. Because of that, I could be very slender and still way more than someone else of the same height, just because of those. The story of you aunt was helpful to read and reminded me that my focus needs to be shifted.
First I would say that you shouldn't worry about that actual number on the scale. The important thing is how you feel.
I agree with a previous poster that said not eating will have the opposite effect of what you're looking for. If you take in a low amount of calories, your body will hold onto them as a way of protecting itself instead of burning them off. You will end up not losing any weight.
The suggestion I would make would be to look at food as a way of fueling your body. Instead of avoiding eating entirely, you could avoid good tasting foods and stick with oatmeal/rice/chicken/fruit/etc.
Hopefully this is helpful. You are a wonderful person and I will pray for you.
Thank you, Ian. There are certain foods that I should avoid (at least for awhile) because I'm unable to eat them without feeling this tremendous guilt and having these thoughts that I'm going to gain 10lbs if I don't make the food come back up.
I ate carrots (cooked ones, smothered in mustard) and they feel like lead weights in my tummy. They are so big and heavy and they're going to take over my body and make more fat everywhere =(
Ugh. I hate this.
I'm going to go sit out in my car with my Bible. I won't be tempted to stick my finger down my throat out there.
Whoa, Pixy...carrots are some of the healthiest things you can possibly eat! They are loaded with much-needed nutrition, and will not make you fat! I need to eat more of them...supposedly they promote eye health, and my poor near-sighted eyeballs need all the help they can get!
Might I suggest signing up for a mission trip to a poor country where they don't have enough food? The best cure for self pity is to be around people that have a lot less.
As some one who has actually lived amongst very poor people as part of my child hood I have seen true poverty. Trust me they are not concerned with getting fat or so picky.
Every time I feel sorry for my self I look around. I have a car so I don't have to walk every where. I have money to pay my bills. Good health. Enough food. I can even pick what I eat. Heat to keep warm and a roof to keep dry.
Most of us are spoiled brats in comparison to a large portion of the world. It may sound harsh but I have very little pity for those that have food, heat, money for bills and schooling but still have to find some thing to complain about.
Now I am not saying I do not complain and whine about things my self. But I try to stop and think about how much worse life could be and is for many.
If you are blessed to live in a country where you can actually have enough food to get fat then get down on your knees and thank God! I am sure that there are starving people out there that would love to have too much food.
Best weight loss plan is to go share your food. Also help build houses for the poor. The lack of food and hard work you will be fit. Even better you will be complete.
Seriously, if you took Kate Moss and added up some "big parts" on her body/bigger bones/more muscles, I bet she wouldn't look as skinny as she looks now and definitely weight more. So the standard of this world of being "well proportioned" is not set on the stone, there are always exceptions. There are other factors and we should not be driven by it. It was just simply set as they take the average people as their sample.
Pix, u know that Jesus loves u so much, rite? What do u think He would have in mind if He saw u were not loving urself like that? Just remember on how He would feel when He saw u were doing it :) I bet it would stop all the intention to do such thing.
