About 2 months ago on here, I started a topic asking about women's habits for weighing themselves (and then potentially skipping meals), which then turned into pages of me talking about my eating disorder with JesusLovesYouAndMe. I also told you all that I packed my scale up and put it in the trunk of my car so that I wouldn't have easy access to it.
Since then, I've gotten a few emails about eating disorders in general and/or asking how I'm doing. The answer is that I'm not doing that well. I thought I'd share, just in case anyone else can relate, or just happened to be curious about whether the scale is still hidden away.
Sadly, the scale is back in my apartment. It has been for awhile. At first, I was really okay around it and pretty much just ignored it actually. But, once I was about a week into pregnancy (or, knowing that I was pregnant rather), I panicked and started hopping on real regularly. And I was eating okay, for the baby. I still managed to gain 10 pounds in a very short amount of time. So, now that I'm post-pregnancy/miscarriage, I have this excess weight on top of my already very imperfect body.
I am really, really struggling. Now that I'm not pregnant, there's no reason for me to eat or to keep any food I do eat down, so... I haven't kept down anything I've eaten since Monday. I said to someone on the phone last night that I was going to be good today, but now that I'm actually out of bed and facing the day, I don't really feel like being good. And I really don't see the point in keeping any food down, or even really in ever eating again in the first place.
Intellectually, I know who I am in Christ and I know that the # on the scale makes no difference as for as my identity goes, but that just isn't reaching my heart right now.
I'm in this downward spiral right now and I'm scared I won't stop in time.
Anyway, I know this is more of a prayer request than anything, but I put it here since the original topic was here, and also because I'm open to discussing the topic, v. just having people pray for me.
What I should have said too in my first post there is that part of me feels like my body doesn't deserve food because my body is what killed my baby. I know that sounds totally warped, but it's what has been running through my head a lot.
One of the hardest parts in trying to help someone with an eating disorder is that you are tempted to solve the problem by encouraging the person to eat. That never works. Usually that causes the person to continue their downward spiral.
The only way to help is to get behind the root cause of the problem, which is never easy.
Here is my �advice� that is well meaning, but won�t work for you. Take the scale and put it in a nice safe place, like the trashcan. Not in your trashcan where you can always pull it back out, your neighbors trashcan that gets dumped and you will never see it again. That way you can have an excuse to buy a �better one� the next time you are at the store.
One thing I can say, I certainly know what it is like to be in Christ and to be loved by him, but still struggle with having to deal with life down here.
Thanks, Cobbler. I will think about tossing the scale, but I really don't want to. I need it to make sure that I don't gain more weight.
About eating, I've decided that it's actually okay for me to not eat since I need to lose weight. I don't know what's wrong, though, because I haven't lost even one pound this week, despite not keeping any food down since Monday. This used to work better. I used to be able to lose up to 8lbs in one week by doing this. Besides, as I said, my body is bad and doesn't deserve food. Also, my stomach is cramping too badly to eat and my throat is bleeding. It needs to rest for a few days from food. But it's really not the puking that's hurt my throat. I had strep last week and it's all sore and nasty from that still. I did eat breakfast today (but didn't keep it down). I'm skipping lunch and dinner. I'll have a little water.
first off *hugs* I understand where you are coming from. However, I must let you know that if you are trying to lose weight the worst thing you can do is not eat. The way God created the body, during times of famine (not eating) the body adjusts the rate it burns calories and streamlines bodilly processes to use fewer calories than it required before. This process helped humans survive through famine.
As the human body ages... the bodies metabolism is no longer as efficient. Muscle mass shrinks and it becomes harder to create new muscle tissue. As muscle mass shrinks the metabolism slows.
Now for the kicker and what many yoyo dieters fail to realize... When you do not eat regularly even if in small amount, if the blood glucose level drops below a certain threshold (which varies slightly by person) the body will burn MUSCLE first! what is the hardest to replace is the first to be consumed in a fasting state.
I know I'm bad for this one myself. I at one point would only eat between 600 and 800 calories a day. I ate like that for almost a year. In that year I only lost 15 pounds. That includes my 2 hour a day vigorous workouts I did. I didn't break that cycle until I torn the cartilage in my knee.
Now, I eat 1200 calories a day (yes lower than a person of my height and weight should eat but I have other medical reasons for it) and get roughly 30 minutes of exercise a day. I hope to up that by another 30 minutes during winter break from school. However, if I can't so be it. As long as I don't gain I'm happy since it is nothing for me to gain 5 pounds in 1 week and not even change anything in my diet or exercise pattern. The worst for me was this past summer when out of the blue I gained 18 pounds in 1 week (EEKS) yeah I know... horrible. The only thing that I did different from any other time was I had 1 mixed drink that week at a celebration I attended. It was the first drink I'd had in over 5 years. Guess I wont be drinking alcohol anymore LOL.
oh and pixy... I don't know much about you... but I do know you are a beautiful person. You are spunky and sweet... and believe it or not you have a very pretty heart shaped face. So, don't let anyone tell you any different... or believe any different.
I just spent over a hour typing the longest post I have ever typed, outlining exactly how step by step complete with stories of success and failures of how I have gotten out of deep depression and lost 25 lbs in the last 2 months. Apparently I took to long cause CDFF wanted me to log back in and I lost it all. If you are interested in any of it I will retype it. But for now let me say I will be praying for you and ask that you pray for me.
P.S the thing about your baby....don't listen to that cr@p ; it is straight from the pit of hell. God is in control of such things.
A quick thought, are you sure that you are over the strep? If your throat is still raw and bleeding, I would suggest a revisit to the doctor and have another strep test. You may need another course of antibiotics. Are you keeping fluids down?
I�m really not trying to sound cruel, I am just trying to help.
Eating disorders and body issues are usually the symptom of something else, and not about how one perceives their appearance. I know we all want to help Pixy, especially since we really do think she is beautiful and kind. But, until one deals with the true underlying issue, she will always struggle with her eating disorder and body issues.
I had a cousin who was anorexic. I never did find out the specifics, but he stopped eating because of some conflict with his mother. He got to the point where his hair turned red and his belly swelled.
I also have a twin sister who was rapped. She had a problem of not eating and being way to thin.
I don�t know you well enough Pixy, but I would guess that a lot of it comes from the sexual abuse that you have gone through in your life. Until you can deal with that, you will only go around and around in circles about your body issues and eating disorder.
Remember Pixy,
2 Corinthians 5:17 (NASB)
17 Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.
Through the power of Jesus Christ, what has happened to us has passed away, evil no longer has a hold on us, unless we give it something to hold onto.
