Thread: Mine was broken, and it sucked the life out of me!
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Mine was broken, and it sucked the life out of me!
Posted : 2 Sep, 2013 04:56 PM
In 2003, when I was 23, I met this wonderful girl!
She was 16 at the time, and we met through the internet.
Never thought about a relationship. Both she and I just went through a breakup, and we could help each other a lot.
We both had a lot of time, and developed a friendship with each other. To the point of where I would not leave the house before sending her a message, and the first thing I'd do when coming home, was see if she wrote me.
We spent hours writing each other, every day, for one year long, before we decided that perhaps there was more than just friendship blooming here...
So I decided to visit her, and spend 2 weeks with her. She was very insecure, but it took me only 30 minutes to get accustomed to seeing her in real life, and we hit of spending 2 weeks, 24/7 with each other!
Didn't matter we where poor, had no car, had no place to go. We had each other!
In the next 3 years I was going back and forth between Miami and my home country; and in the last year, my company got sold off to China, for 3Bn euro's leaving them to pay me a 9k Eur bonus. As I received it, I made the jump and married her, and we where happily married for 6,5 years.
We built up our lives, became wealthier, had our own cars, and house, and then things changed.
She wanted a divorce, out of nowhere!
I loved her so much I even agreed on the separation; to give her what she wanted.
Unlike what I thought, though, she did not return after a while; but instead hardened her heart to not get together anymore with me.
I was heart broken. I know for sure I was a good husband to her. We had our issues, but she had lost interest over time. Marriage changes people, that's for sure!
It's been 6 months since she separated, and every now and then I still feel like going mad!
I understand why people resort to alcohol, get drunk and violent! Its not the man's fault he has to deal with all this anger which actually is the woman's fault!
The woman doesn't know it, but she causes so much problems by following her own paths, same when she would commit adultery!
And I also understand why men would commit suicide too! I've been struggling with that A LOT too!
It's not as much as my life falling apart, but the fact that there's no longer the will to live; and nothing soothes me anymore. The pain is intense, the moments of loneliness are long, and the thoughts (as to why? could it have been avoided?, Can we get together again? Will God deal with this, because I can't?) are never ending.
And from time to time the pain is so hard, that tears roll down my cheeks, and I don't understand why the Lord allows this to happen! It's in His power to bring her back, and if not her, find me someone that I can continue my life with!
Why does it have to take so long?
Why can't I find one person that is attracted to me, or if she is, why can't I feel attraction for her?
Why aren't there more spiritual women out there? Spirit filled, God loving women?
Mine was broken, and it sucked the life out of me!
Posted : 2 Sep, 2013 05:30 PM
And then I find 2 or 3 women that seem AWESOME, but one decides not to write me back anymore, really the only one I deemed a good partner, and the other 2 where nigerian scammers!
Mine was broken, and it sucked the life out of me!
Posted : 2 Sep, 2013 08:14 PM
I recommend putting it all down on paper. It may take multiple attempts to get it all sorted out and that's totally ok. The goal is to get to the point where you can make sense of and accept the reality of the events that have happened, heal, grow, and move on in a healthy way. Just going out for a walk helps clear the head and is something I've found to be really helpful too. I know it's tempting to lie there writhing in agony, but no good can come from that. Also, it may sound touchy feely, but when you know you're getting angry and wound up feeling hurt and like life is unfair, then force yourself to count your blessings and/or list things about yourself that you like. Even if it seems forced or arbitrary, but it really does work because your relying on yourself to validate yourself rather than external factors like people and circumstances. Also, this might sound funny, but try to get some good sleep. It's amazing what a difference getting enough and not getting enough makes. They say time heals all wounds, but I don't think that's true. I think it's what you do with that time that is the difference maker. The things I've listed are things I've personally found to be some great alternatives to lying there writhing in pain over what happened. Another thing to keep in mind is in the short term it will seem easier to just be angry and not proactively try to move on, but in the longterm it is the opposite. Please don't harm yourself. Painful as this time is for you, you've still got too much going for you, which I think you'll realize if you count your blessings and take a walk. As far as God's role in this, I think He loves you, but I also think He helps those who help themselves, which is what you need to do. This wall isn't going to go down in one or even a few solid shots, let alone knock itself down. All you have to do is just chip away and after enough time you will break through to the other side. Soldier on, buddy. You can do it.
Mine was broken, and it sucked the life out of me!
Posted : 3 Sep, 2013 04:54 PM
I know from the perspective of not being angry, sad, or hurt, that my situation would not change, it's easy not to be like this.
What I'm struggling with is that God can, and yet He does not do!
It frustrates me to death!
If God would be non-existent, or I had no faith in Him, there would be no reason for me to be so upset or shaken by it all...
But it's because He is there, but refuses to do anything about this unrighteousness, that makes me so upset, and make me just wanna give up.
After all, if God is not with me, then who is?
I might as well just give up living!
Then people would tell me, that I need to follow God, and not God following me. But there are just places I can not go. I can't remain a normal person through this all, going through this pain, and upset life, and still bow my knee and say thine will be done.
Yes, His will is done regardless whether if I bow down or not, but I'm literally running my life, in an area where I have no control over.
Who knows a nice woman would come my way, and tempt me in a weak moment, and I'd break, that would be the end of me and God!
Forget Him then! If he can't even take care of situations when they arise NOW, how am I to trust Him if I, against my pleas and cries for salvation from this, will allow me to end up in a ditch or miserable with an STD or aids?
I'm saying, I probably worry too much.
If something is not right, I tend to take care of it now, and not stall it for 6 months!
It's just not right,
and that's undoubtably what's been happening with God. For He is stalling me, and putting me needlessly in a dangerous and bad situation!
And of course, I don't like that...
I guess most of my anger is against God, not my wife... Because what good is a friend, if he does nothing but sits idly by, without even as much as stretch a finger of help?
I may regret these words later on, but that's how I see them now...
Mine was broken, and it sucked the life out of me!
Posted : 3 Sep, 2013 07:12 PM
I hear you. I've thought those same things almost word for word myself not even too long ago either (couple months by now). "If He is willing and able, then why doesn't He help me? If He's all knowing and all powerful..." I mean spiritually and literally speaking I've screamed at the top of my lungs at Him saying all kinds of hurtful and angry cynical things just to see if I could get any sort of reaction at all from Him. What followed next wasn't some magical epiphany where God revealed or proved Himself and I just had to accept that for whatever reason He wasn't going to and it was on me to get off the couch and quit theorizing and take action to heal and move passed the pain I was experiencing. Maybe the purpose of this is to teach us to move our own feet rather than Him doing it for us. Maybe He knows something we don't. All I can say is when I'm on the couch theorizing I'm in pain and when I take action the pain goes away and I feel better. I still find it easier to just go to the couch but have to remember that is just short term thinking.
Something I'd like to edit in my 1st post: Make counting your blessings/naming things you like about yourself a regular thing, rather than just something you do when you're angry and wound up. Same with writing it all out on paper what you think and feel and making sense of it there. The more you do it, the better things get because your thoughts can actually settle and progress instead of endlessly ricocheting through your mind.
Also, there was a really helpful article I encountered and mentioned in another thread on here that you might want to check out. Google: You will never get closure by dr. nerdlove. In it he talks about how to let go of the hurt and anger you're feeling right now and I personally found that really helpful as well.
Mine was broken, and it sucked the life out of me!
Posted : 4 Sep, 2013 09:18 PM
Yeah, thanks for your empathy and advise.
Sometimes I do explode, because it's not like I'm not doing anything.
I'm probably doing more than anyone else in seeking someone.
I went through thousands of profiles on about 12 dating sites and apps. A lot of them spoke to me, but they never replied emails.
3 of them I thought, WOW! That's it!
But 2 of them turned out to be scammers.
1 of the 3 stopped writing me because she felt she was not divorced yet (she was separated, not divorced) and wanted to remain friends, but in the end stopped writing me at all!
She would have been a perfect candidate! Going through the same things as I, a pure heart, and a beautiful girl, perfect age, loves God like I do, seems like she liked me...
I would have been so happy if I could continue my life with her, instead...
In the mean time, a christian sister who had known me and my ex-wife, has pulled herself away from me, like I'm diseased or something... She's been literally the only of 2 people that knew us both from the time we where just boyfriend-girlfriend, to marriage, to separation.
Anyway, it's really dishearting to see that I'm always there for anyone, but seemingly not all christians are there to help out broken couples.
She's a very believing person, seems like she loves the Lord deeply (at least used to), but now? I don't know anymore....
That has hurted me too, people that just change after hearing the news. Instead of being normal. That sister sat on a pew right next to me, and we had a wonderful conversation a few weeks to months before she came to know we separated. Ever since she's been avoiding me like the pest, and when I did met her in the hallway, no other way for her to say hi, I told her I was on my way home, and she immediately responded with "home? like you're leaving miami?"
Hurted that she rather wants to see me go, than to just talk to me... Silly....
Anyway, I'm not here to badmouth her, but hopefully someone can learn from this. A divorced person is going through the roughest time of his life, and needs support. And the last thing christians should be doing is avoiding those people.
Instead they should put their arms around them and pray for them!
Mine was broken, and it sucked the life out of me!
Posted : 5 Sep, 2013 05:41 AM
I just want to say, not everything that happens to us is from God. From what I read in your post, it sounds like your life was torn apart by this woman, and maybe now God is calling you to find rest and peace in Him, and when you are stable and focused on Him, THEN he will give you the desires of your heart. God wants you to be strong and solid, and I can tell you, stress and depression will either kill you or make you stronger. God often uses "tribulation" to teach us some pretty important lessons. Not long ago I realized that anything I let control my mind and desires so much that it influences my life more than God does, anything that interferes with God's desires and plans for me, is something that I love too much. God calls us to be patient and peaceful and content in every situation, if something is stopping us from doing that, then it might be a "care of this world" that we love too much, and we have to learn to love it less unless it sucks eternal life out of us.
Mine was broken, and it sucked the life out of me!
Posted : 5 Sep, 2013 02:59 PM
Their is a element we men fail to reconise when choosing a mate.
We lead......can they follow? If not we are not right for that woman. I feel your frustration and had to learn this the difficult way also.
I trust your love for her but love is not enough. Some women are inable to walk with a man and vise versa. We are called to lead and a woman is called to follow.
It is not our responsiblity to make her follow but it is our responsibility to find a woman who can follow our leadership.
When choosing my new mate this was the primary thing I looked for and was able to find through sifting through thousands of women.
