Author	Thread: Sharing your past...when is the right time?
really_54 View Profile History	Sharing your past...when is the right time? Posted : 27 Aug, 2009 11:03 AM Hi. I would like to start a new thread today based on something that happened just recently. It stirred up a question that begs an answer. I met a very nice lady on this site whom I consider very special and I still think she is. We happily shared a bit of our testimonies and then she shared somewhat of her past. So...I decided to share mine. Her response was not very favourable...it was "too much too soon" as she put it. She openly admitted that it had bothered her because of issues in her previous marriage. She did thank me for being honest but felt such information would have been best for a later time. I felt absolutely terrible, worthless, and condemned. I emailed her immediately and apologized for stirring up such painful memories in her and for chasing her away. A few days past and there was no response. So...I sent an email asking her if she still despised me and would it have made a difference to her if I had shared my past 6 months into a relationship. This was her response: ************************************************* "No, I do not despise you at all! You are my brother in Christ. I have dated and visited with a lot of men in the past two years and have never had this type of discussion with any of them. It is good to share our past but at the right time and with the right people. It was not the right time for me and I ask you to honor that. I do appreciate your desire to be honest and open and desire God's best for your life." ************************************************* Encouraged by this letter...I went to respond to it ...only to discover that I had been "BLOCKED" from sending private messages to her. Perhaps her actions spoke louder than her words. I have shared my past with many on this site. I have never had this response. For the most part, it is my heartfelt desire that only the woman who is to be my wife would know everything about me. Yet I find, that in my desire to be completely open and transparent with someone whom I'm interested in ...that I want to share my past as she shares with me. Why?....because I want my wife to know everything about me...that there is no pretense, So here's the question: When should one share their past? ...or should they? It is obvious by this lady's response that it was "too much too soon". Yet her "Blocking" me sent an even louder message...that sharing my past 6 months later would also have been "too soon". Someone had suggested do not share your past at all...it's all under the blood of Jesus anyways...so why drag it up? That is true...Yet I believe so strongly in intimacy and that the woman who has my "rib"... is part of me... and that she has a right to know. Now if I wait till our honeymoon to share my past only to discover that she would have never married me had she known...then I would be guilty of deception of the worst kind. So...is there a wise woman or man among you who has an answer. If it was this painful to feel rejected so early in a relationship...how painful would it be for this same rejection to happen 6 months down the road or on your honeymoon? Is it better to share early or wait till she is madly in love with you ..and her love has blinded her to your faults? Blessings, Paul Post Reply
View Profile History	Sharing your past...when is the right time? Posted : 24 Sep, 2011 11:21 PM Hello Paul..... This is a very interesting situation. I believe that as soon as you both know that there might be a "kingdom connection" between you both, and you have prayed about when to share your past information, then go ahead and reveal to each other what it is that you want them to know. Get direction from the Lord first about when to reveal this. Case in point. I have nerve deafness, and wear two hearing aides, and live a normal life. Question: Do I put this information on my Profile up front, right from the start, or do I say something after I have corresponded with someone for, say a month? So...If I was the lady you were corresponding with, and you asked about revealing a part of your past that you thought was important, I would say go ahead and let me know, as the past is your past...no one is perfect...and it would be that you thought enough of me to share that information in the relationship. It is too bad that she stopped the relationship, yes, but at the same time, better that you know about them now then later...meaning, what else would she of not wanted to know. A relationship is about sharing..yes? I hope this is not too long winded...but, I wanted to give you my answer from my heart. have a great day in the Lord and God bless. ...Alicia P.S. so guys...what do you say...would you contact me if you knew up front that I had nerve deafness? Be honest, as I am contemplating whether to do this or not. Post Reply
really_54 View Profile History	Sharing your past...when is the right time? Posted : 25 Sep, 2011 10:24 AM Hi Alicia...thank you so much for sharing. You asked an important question for the guys about whether one should share a physical impairment sooner or later. I think for me I would want to know sooner rather than later. For instance, if a woman could not bear children or was suffering from a crippling disease, these are factors that would have an affect on our relationship. I would not consider hard of hearing as something major, but I still would want to know up front. And as you have rightly said... "A relationship is about sharing." Blessings, Paul Post Reply
really_54 View Profile History	Sharing your past...when is the right time? Posted : 11 Oct, 2011 06:59 PM I think it's time to post this again to get some fresh views.. :zzzz: Post Reply
seeking66 View Profile History	Sharing your past...when is the right time? Posted : 15 Oct, 2011 04:34 PM Paul, Excellent topic and I am impressed by the amount of time you have put in it....Thank You. I am only 5 years into knowing God and His Son Jesus so I will not be able to respond in a equally Spiritualy expressful way. I beleive a person should know in their heart and soul that they will bring into the light events in their past that may affect another's decision as whether or not to pursue a serious relationship with that person. "I don't kiss till the third date"...maybe we should apply this rule to our conversations with people until we get a better understanding of their new life in Christ. Our past is our past, as God has forgiven us for ALL our sins and cleansed our souls of ALL our sins so shall a true christian take into account that a person has recognised their sins, failures and deeds done wrong and see them for the "New skin of Christ" they have put in faith for a God filled life. Yes, eventually atleast the "bad" things should be told, but only after each person has an understandibg of who they are now. A day at a time, a piece of the pas at a time. I hope this will help anyone who may read it..I am not a journalist..I am a "babe" in Christ. Blessings to all, Todd Post Reply
really_54 View Profile History	Sharing your past...when is the right time? Posted : 16 Oct, 2011 12:19 AM seeking66..."Yes, eventually at least the "bad" things should be told, but only after each person has an understanding of who they are now. A day at a time, a piece of the past at a time."... thanks Todd for sharing those words of wisdom. Blessings, Paul Post Reply
View Profile History	Sharing your past...when is the right time? Posted : 30 Oct, 2011 10:21 AM i had a similar experience with a man on this site, after several months of talking i shared something with him and he was upset by it. then he shared something with me which mad me close the chat window it upaet me that much. so he siad " you said you wanted to share and i was sharing. maybe anymore we should both be more discreet in what we share" i think over time you share what feels comfortable . i had no idea what i said would be upsetting for him and the same with h9m for me. sometimes its too soon if trust hasnt been built yet. over time as the relationship develops and there is more trust sharing can be done without fear. Post Reply
really_54 View Profile History	Sharing your past...when is the right time? Posted : 30 Oct, 2011 11:13 AM karm432..." sometimes its too soon if trust hasnt been built yet." A very good point. Thank you. Blessings, Paul Post Reply
righteousfire View Profile History	Sharing your past...when is the right time? Posted : 17 Nov, 2011 02:00 PM So true; intimacy is about trust. It's not the "being on the street at one time" that is the issue, it's where is your true heart now? Is it fruitful, is it focused, is it "in love" with your saviour? I believe it's being in love with Him that truly keeps us on course. For instance, if I were in the world and in love with a man, it would be that love which kept you faithful. The same is true with our walk with Jesus. As he said in Revelation.....I see all you've done, but I have one fault with you, you aren't in love with me. Then take a Christian relationship, where you're in love with the man and with Jesus, a 3-strand cord is not easily broken. To be in a Jesus centered relationship, no matter what is revealed; we should be on our knees thankful that someone trusts and loves us enough to let us see inside. What I have seen on this site, is people not honest about who they really are NOW, in the present. 20 yr old pictures, drinking and smoking issues. I would much rather hear the truth, no matter what it is than to be lied to; it's cowardly. Praying together is a mighty weapon. God bless! Post Reply
really_54 View Profile History	Sharing your past...when is the right time? Posted : 17 Nov, 2011 10:03 PM Thank you PerfectlyForgiven for taking the time to share your thoughts. Blessings, Paul Post Reply
View Profile History	Sharing your past...when is the right time? Posted : 15 Oct, 2012 12:35 AM Hi Chey, You speak much wisdom in this post. But i tend to think a Christian "Dating" site tends to lead people to a relationship expectation rather then a "friendship" relationship, right from the get go. That`s why many fall into hurt on these sites. However I think a 3 month window would be sufficient for opening up to each other because the longer you try to control the relationship, or God controls the relationship, the soul tie is developing by around the third month and is only going to get stronger from their and if you continue to put off openness much longer then that, if I deal breaker comes along, someone IS going to get hurt. Plus you do not take into account people who are older and may only have 10-20 years left to live, or who may be terminal. I think the earlier everything is on the table, the better, because they have not developed the soul tie and chances are they will not be as hurt had they waited. Plus if their older it give them more time to find someone more suitable. Because when your in your late fifties, TIME is everything. Post Reply

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