There is nothing anymore, going around in circles. I have no hope left, i'm just waiting to die. Why is life so cruel? It has consumed me since i was a 7 year old little girl, i don't know why, or what happened. I've been given a life that i don't want, with no way to get out of it. It has completely destroyed me, my life, everything. I don't want to fight anymore, i'm too tired of fighting. Every attempt to overcome this has been a painful battle with no end in sight, and I end up feeling worse because i failed, again. I just want to be normal. Will I ever be free of this? It's been a long, painful life filled with nothing but fear, shame and humiliation. As a child, i would stand alone in the playground by myself, watching the other kids have fun, wishing that i was like them. I wanted so badly to be like them, to experience life from their perspective, but i'll never know. I knew i was different, even then, i knew deep down, there was an inner sadness and realization that i wasn't like everybody else. I always felt sad because i felt alone. My teen years were by far the worst, from start to finish. I am now 20 years old, bitter lonely, sad, depressed, angry. I have been tormented for so long, years are going by, nothing is changing because my problems are so severe, they have exhausted every feeling there is to feel. I am truly ashamed of myself and there is nothing I can do about it, I'm literally just waiting to die.
Adrianna, I know how you feel. I have Asperger�s Syndrome which is a form of Autism. I too have felt alone for many years, not knowing how to fit in. When I was younger God always brought a close friend into my life, but for the past 20 years I have had no close friends at all. There is no one I can talk to, no one I can do things with, and no one I can depend on.
What I have learned over the past several years is that I can�t be �fixed� as so many people wish I could be. The only thing that can be done is for others to reach out to me and try to understand me, but everyone has made it clear that I am not worth the effort.
I would love to be able to tell you that everything will be ok. I would love to tell you that I know the answer. But all I can say is that you are not the only one who feels like you do.
There's nothing to say except get help see a psychiatrist tomorrow if not today. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You sound like your self-worth and self-esteem are much much lower than it should be and you need to find out why and how to make it right. You can do it. Strong people ask for help rather than let life's troubles crush them.
For those of us who don't know how to fit in, the solution isn't to see a psychiatrist, the solution is for others to reach out to us and to try and understand. A psychiatrist can�t be there for us in all situations, but good friends can. Your comment about needing to see a psychiatrist is what I meant when I said that people want me to be �fixed�. The best fix for people like us is a good understanding friend.
I am not saying that you don�t mean well, it�s just that when you suggest that someone should see a �rent-a-friend�, it comes across as not wanting to reach out. Let someone else deal with her, it�s not your problem.
And as far as your comment about a �permanent solution to a temporary problem�, having a neurological disorder such as Asperger�s Syndrome or Autism is NOT a �temporary problem�, it is a permanent problem that can�t be fixed. It is very difficult for us to make friends, and having to start over with new friends again and again can be very overwhelming. That is why a spouse is so important to us, because that way we will know that we will at least have one friend that will always be with us.
I have been in therapy since I was 13. I have seen psychologists, psychiatrists. I have tried hypnotherapy, self help books, acupuncture, NLP, group therapy. Nothing has worked, because I have nobody to encourage me, support me, someone that will be there for me before and after this painful journey.
People say that you shouldn't rely on a relationship/spouse to make you happy. However, my situation is different and the only thing that could motivate me, encourage me and give me the strength to overcome this, is the goal of a marriage and kids, which is all i have ever wanted for years, I am very maternal. Then I would have every reason to fight, i'd just do it, because I would have everything I need. know that is the only way I can get out of this rut, with the hope of a happier, more fulfilled life.
To both of you... you have my greatest sympathy! I have had boughts of severe depression, mostly in my youth, which was very debilitating and isolating. I can't imagine living with that full time. We know so little about mental health and are so afraid to talk about it. :(
The other side of your issue is the 'friend' you are looking for. We were all created to eventually become self-sufficient adults, capable of taking care of our own needs for shelter, food, safety and happiness. That being said, these things do not happen in a vacuum, and others may give us a leg-up to get us started, or encourage us when we are finding it difficult to manage that for a period of time.
If there was a fire at my apartment, a friend may let me use their couch for a while until new arrangements or repairs were made. If I forgot my lunch at home, someone may spring for lunch for me. If my arms were full and didn't see a curb, someone may warn or guide me around it. If I'm in a funk a friend may come to cheer and encourage me.
But another person is limited in what they can do or offer. They could not take over my food bill, my housing, follow me to make sure I'm safe, or be there all day long 24/7 to lift my spirits. Life itself, can at times be overwhelming for just the one person... carrying another's burden is really not possible for long term. Especially if I'm not able to reciprocate.
This does not mean that you are not loveable or worthy of friendship. I have seen many helpful answers posted by Cobbler on this site before. And Christ has certainly meant for you to have more than this overwhelming sadness all of your life! I don't really know what the answer is. I don't know if the issue is a chemical imbalance or an attempt by Satan to squash you. Maybe both? Certainly our prayers are in order here!
My suggestion is to build a wide variety of friends, like on this site, where each could take a little of your burden to lighten the load. A team would be much more effective than one person. A single person who tries to save a drowning person often drowns as well.
Keep doing things continually that bring up your endomorphins... laugh a lot (watch funny movies, great comedians, etc), excercise and prayer have all scientifically been proven to bring up those good-feel chemicals in the brain. Share time with positive people. Reach out and help someone else. Along with constant communication with Jesus, a true 24/7 friend, I would expect it should at least take the edge off. MORE, I would hope!
Sympathy, love and prayers to you (and those who are feeling the same way and have not spoken up).
"I have nobody to encourage me, support me, someone that will be there for me"
For what? Just being happy? It's not that hard to do. Find something you want to do then go out and do it.
The way I see it is who cares if I'm alone? Give me one good reason why that's a reason I should feel bad. I love being alone. I love not having to conceed to compromising my agenda for some one else's (I am able to and can have a good attitude about it, but there really is something to be said about doing exactly 100% what you want to do with no responsibilities to other people. If that means me going out alone, so be it), I don't care if no one understands me or can't think or feel the exact same way I do. I used to, but then I gave up and it's been going awesome.
Also, the only person who determines your worth is God and He would literally rather die than be separate from you because He is love and He cares.
Adrianna, I know how you feel. Seeking professional help can be a boost, but it is not a solution. If you don�t understand how to interact socially, you need someone there with you all the time who can help guide you through those situations, and a therapist can be there for you. Only a good friend can be there for you.
Trustandbelieve, it is true for most adults that we all need to stand on our own two feet. But, there are those of us who need a lot more help than others. I and Adrianna are not asking for someone to take care of us for the rest of our lives, we just need to understand how to find that one good friend that will be there for us for the rest of our lives. It�s not about us needing someone else, it�s about someone needing us in their lives.
That is one of the things that has been so hard for me to get across for so many years. It�s not that we want to use someone as a crutch for the rest of our lives, it is that we are trapped in our own minds and are dying to reach out to others but don�t know how. Adrianna doesn�t want someone to take care of her, she wants to be a loving wife and mother. She wants to be there for her husband and children, she wants to take care of them, not be taken care of, and I want to be there for my wife when things fall apart for her.
I thank you for your sympathy, but what we need is help figuring out how to make friends and find a spouse, and that is not as easy as one might think.
IOnlyDateCheerleaders: Your attitude towards life sounds like a great recipe for loneliness. And as far as your �find something you enjoy and do it� advice, that is only a temporary solution to a permanent problem.
Adrianna, I know how you feel. I wish I could give you the answer. Actually, I do know the answer, you need help from understanding friends and family, but we can�t make others understand no matter how hard we try. They will only understand once they stop worrying how they stop thinking about themselves and start thinking about you.
If your sole purpose in life was to get married and have kids, then you would have already. Obviously you have standards, or you would already married some bloke that offered his attention towards your direction. I really don't like the victim mentality. This is a dangerous path you are going to, hence suicidal thoughts. You should be understanding that your 'ideal' life may not be in fact what God has purposed for you.
I think society tries to make us dream too big, so all our expectations are quickly thrown in the gutter and we start decaying in the inside. When I was young, I thought I would be a professional basketball player, married with kids, and rich by now, haha sometimes we need to be realistic and deal with the hand we are given, and trust God has a reason for whatever disadvantages we have in life.
Now that you and cobbler are lonely and want a family, make it happen if that is what you two want so bad.
I was going to write a long response to what you said loonyk, but why bother. You only prove what I have said above, we should just �fix� ourselves. It�s all our fault, there is nothing anybody can or should do to help us.
You know what the opposite of love is? It�s not hate, it�s apathy.
