There is nothing anymore, going around in circles. I have no hope left, i'm just waiting to die. Why is life so cruel? It has consumed me since i was a 7 year old little girl, i don't know why, or what happened. I've been given a life that i don't want, with no way to get out of it. It has completely destroyed me, my life, everything. I don't want to fight anymore, i'm too tired of fighting. Every attempt to overcome this has been a painful battle with no end in sight, and I end up feeling worse because i failed, again. I just want to be normal. Will I ever be free of this? It's been a long, painful life filled with nothing but fear, shame and humiliation. As a child, i would stand alone in the playground by myself, watching the other kids have fun, wishing that i was like them. I wanted so badly to be like them, to experience life from their perspective, but i'll never know. I knew i was different, even then, i knew deep down, there was an inner sadness and realization that i wasn't like everybody else. I always felt sad because i felt alone. My teen years were by far the worst, from start to finish. I am now 20 years old, bitter lonely, sad, depressed, angry. I have been tormented for so long, years are going by, nothing is changing because my problems are so severe, they have exhausted every feeling there is to feel. I am truly ashamed of myself and there is nothing I can do about it, I'm literally just waiting to die.
I re-read your original post...and I found the following statement interesting...
"I am now 20 years old, bitter, lonely, sad, depressed, angry. I have been tormented for so long, years are going by, nothing is changing because my problems are so severe, they have exhausted every feeling there is to feel. I am truly ashamed of myself and there is nothing I can do about it, I'm literally just waiting to die."
WOW!!! Guess what??? There IS something you can do about it! How do I know??? I honestly could've made the same kinda statement about 3 years ago...and although I hated my life then, I'm still alive today! WHY??? Because I finally realized what God was up to...He was trying to bring me to the end of myself...not because He hated me, but because He loved me and wanted me to fully let go of the situation and allow Him to move...or in other words, God wanted me to fully trust Him. Here's the problem...I was stubborn/strong-willed and didn't want to do that...so I kept resisting God, and things got worse and worse until I was in the exact same place as you.
Anyhow, I honestly believe God is trying to break you the same way He broke me...not because He hates you, but because He loves you so very much and wants to let you know...but you need to fully trust God and allow Him to move. Some of the best advice I can give you is for you to seek God with all your heart. I would suggest that you get down on your knees and ask Him to reveal to you whatever needs to be revealed. If you want God to acknowledge your prayer, then pray with a humble heart that is willing to do what God asks of you...and pray harder than you've ever prayed before, especially if you truly want God to answer you. Well anyway, I hope this information helps. :)
Focus: So, it couldn�t be that Adrianna has a medical problem such as Autism that makes it very difficult for her to understand how to interact with others. The real problem is that she has some big sin in her life, that she is unwilling to submit to God.
If A=B and B=C, then A=C. God withholds things that we want to bring us to him. She wants to be married but God hasn�t given her the gift of a husband. Therefore, Adrianna obviously has some really big sin issue that she needs to deal with.
What you have done is a logical fallacy. Look at the following statement:
When I eat pizza, I get full.
I am full, therefore I ate pizza.
What is wrong with that statement? What is wrong with it is that there are many foods that can make you full. In the statement above, pizza always makes them full, but they could be full because they also ate ice cream.
You have jumped to the conclusion that God has not given Adrianna the gift of a husband because God wants to deal with a sin issue in her life simply because he did it in your life. You have completely ignored the fact that she has a neurological problem. If you truly want to be loving you would try to see things from her point of view before jumping to conclusions.
Proverbs 18:13 (NASB)
13 He who gives an answer before he hears, It is folly and shame to him.
I jumped to that conclusion? Really? So if I just get my heart right with God then my Asperger's will go away? If I just repent of my sin then I will suddenly know what I am doing when it comes to relationships?
I feel sad you feel the way you do, I hope and pray you will come to appreciate life as it is, a gift, no matter what.
You are as old as my children who have no interest on marriage or relationships at the moment. I think because when one is happy at home, why change? I encountered several single ladies expressing life is so good at home so why marry? With such thoughts, I think then that your longing to be married is actually in order to escape. I committed such mistake in my youth and I tell you I do regret for decades. Marriage should never be a escape from temporary trouble/situation.
Dante began his Divine Comedy with these words: �In the middle of the journey of our life, I came to myself in a dark wood.� The wood is always dark because we cannot see what is on the other side of it. What we need is light to penetrate that darkness, and such a light can best be supplied by religion and the arts. (D.V de Bogart, Intro to the Humanities.)
In my journey I don't rely on other people to make me happy. You cannot expect them to be there always. Do rely on God, he will never leave you. It is also said that people who are interested on the arts (painting, sculpture, architecture, music, literature) are never bored. So think about it. Life is really so short to enjoy all those.
One more advice from experience, whenever you are sad, hurt, pained, humiliated, think about other worst situations that could possibly happen...I then felt relieved, God is so good all the time! Don't die, you might be destined to win the lottery tomorrow, or meet that wonderful partner next year, you never know. Have faith that God provides. Strive and fight that feel like drowning thing...float, swim to shore, live life to the fullest!
I feel like that sometimes. I do not know if it is because I have Aspergers, I have a history of depression or what. I soemtimes feel like my life is going nowhere and I want to give up. I feel bad for you because I know that this is a horrible way to feel.
It's strange that you said those things...because I was watching a sermon today that addressed a very similar topic. All I have left to say is this: Your unbelief doesn't change the fact that what I said earlier is still the truth. I want you to know that I've felt the healing power of God go throughout my entire body instantly due to praying and believing that I would be healed...so don't tell me that God can't heal people because I still remember what it felt like...and it was awesome!!! Before I prayed that prayer, I was so terrible stressed out that I did not want to live anymore...but when I prayed that day, everything changed instantly...and the stress was G-O-N-E!!! Healing takes place when we believe that God not only has the power to heal, but also WILL HEAL the person! Do you remember the story of the woman who was healed when she reached out and touched Jesus' garment? Jesus told her that "her faith" had made her well. She believed (had faith) that she would be healed simply by touching Jesus' clothing. Anyway, I just thought I'd share that with you. :)
I've decided to end my life after Christmas, i no longer wish to live. I can't fight each day with no hope of being at peace or having any kind of future worth living for.
