Thread: What makes me dis-qualified from eligibility?
Admin
What makes me dis-qualified from eligibility?
Posted : 13 Aug, 2009 09:58 PM
I may be in Shell-Shock already, but as the battlefield clears, I find it laid waste and desolate, and me alone with a virtually empty weapon. Analogy of course, but what divorce has done is unavoidable as are a few things. My questions are in a long-form. The main gist is that what I am beginning to believe now, is that all I have gained and then lost are now my dis-qualifiers. You all tell me (Please).
Here is how I see it. 1. I am Divorced. 2. I have children. 3. I am providing for 2 households. 4. I have no house. There are other (petty) things that seem to move me further from the eligibility list, like being short, driving truck, living in Central Washington, but the main list seems to drive women away.
Q: Do men in this predicament really come across as high-risk?
Q: Do women see these men as freeloaders? Looking for a sugar-mama?
Q: Are we seen as maybe not being able to be a good provider/protector? ( or anything)?
Q: Are we suddenly unstable? unlovely?
Q: So, what's the point of this if I am looking and have to remain single?
I can only change so much of my circumstances, and it takes time. I know anybody single with children is a big stop. But for a man, it seems 10 fold. A friend of mine is on marriage #3 to a Korean girl, he met in Korea. He was tired of American women and their princess mentality. We are too independent.
Q: How many women are following their heart? God's word on (all) this?
Q: How many women are NOT following the Western view?
Q: Do you all just feel too uncomfortable? Maybe thinking we are too weak to be a man? Or at least a man of YOUR dreams?
I submit to you all that this is very, very frustrating. I'm looking for honesty---not pity. :)
I trust your instinct, and it would not make sense to be defensive. You are women seeing it from a woman's perspective, which is what I wanted. I think I have more than I need to mull over and pray about. I will never be ready for a GREAT r-ship if I don't. At this time I am going to check out altogether---sabbatical, if-you-will from it all. I don't have the time or energy now. I probably do need the rest...Trauma catches up to me late, but I had no intention of this being a "punching bag"....At least I know something now. I CAN handle the truth---I can NOT handle the lie.
If I can't or don't delete, I would love to browse around the forum to learn more.
dear dave, the first step in healing comes when you can totally forgive those that hurt you ... youve got to forgive your ex wife for everything you feel she done you wrong by.. you dont have to forget the lessons learnt or what happened to you.. but you have to let go and forgive..
then my friend you will begin to heal.. you get down on your knees and ask GOD to help you to forgive them..and you dont have to ask casually either.. you can cry out with all the pain inside you.. thats makes you miserable.. let it go and let it out to GOD as HE wants you to give all your pain to HIM.. that my friend is how you let all the bitterness and anger go and are able to forgive and move on with your life.. ya cant love completely till you let all the old junk go..
Yet another VERY wise post from ole cattle! Forgiveness is key, howbeit very hard. But ask God for grace to let go. It is a choice. I heard it said once: When you forgive, you release 'someone' from prison, only to find it was you! Also, the giver is always above the receiver. Forgiveness puts you on a higher plane (spiritual and all) than the offender. True it doesnt automatically heal your hurts, but it puts you on the path to true healing.
PS: generalization is one way of knowing there is unforgiveness. That played out in my life until I forgave completely. Sometimes, I still 'catch' myself generalizing and then I dig deeper and find the hurt oozing again, then I reprocess forgiveness. Too bad forgiveness does not automatically guarantee forgetting the pain but again, it does put you on God's radar for total healing and restoration.
So bro, there is a princess out there for you to treat like one. Let God work on YOU first and then bring her to you in due season. She will treat you like a king!
Q: Do men in this predicament really come across as high-risk? It deoends on HOW things are going in your life after the divorce. if its a very new divorce yes simply because nobody wants to be the transition girl. If it has been a while and you are moving on and reclaiming your life NOT at all
Q: Do women see these men as freeloaders? Looking for a sugar-mama? Nope but I have met some men like that just as I am sure you have met women like that.
Q: Are we seen as maybe not being able to be a good provider/protector? ( or anything)?no it has nothing to do with that. at least not for me. I can only answer what I think
Q: Are we suddenly unstable? unlovely?it depends on how you are delaing with the divorce are you pining away for your ex then yes are you bitter or angry yes. if you have let it go then nope not at all
Q: So, what's the point of this if I am looking and have to remain single?your not looking to rmain single you just need to give it time and the RIGHT woman will come along
Q: How many women are following their heart? God's word on (all) this?I follow my heart but logic also kicks in asi am a single parent and ANYTHING I do will effect my daughter and my son
Q: How many women are NOT following the Western view? actually I think most women are kind of anti male.. They want to do it all and not live by the standards the bible sets out for us. BUT most men also WANT that in a female. i am not one of those women I know what I want from a marriage and will not settle for less
Q: Do you all just feel too uncomfortable? Maybe thinking we are too weak to be a man? Or at least a man of YOUR dreams?
the man of my dreams is out there we will find each other I keep telling myself that
Good luck GBU
bethany
PS.. it is NO easier for a divorced mother TRUST me
One more reply as I wait for Admin to delete my profile...(?) I made no real sense in a frustration vented set of questions, and could not erase it. My first response was in an email, and I was surprised at how perfectly it was all answered for me. It made me feel like I had all I needed in response to make sense. I did not need any more, and was embarrassed at myself in the first place....But the can was open....And now that Lady has deleted her profile. She was right saying this is brutal.
Funny, how we think we know so much and are so spiritual, that we bully others.
Zoe; Your feet are on the ground--why is your head in the clouds?? You make some sense, but then confer with colleagues over what the prognosis is on somebody? Can you really be SO right, by being Pentecostal? You cut me. I'll get over it. :) But I see why people don't like this...and delete... Generally speaking.
This whole online idea is great on the one hand, but it really has it's own personality...disorder. Think about it; How many of us already know each other? Seen each other? And yet we act like it, but with the exception that their is a "safety net" of never meeting, and therefore can speak our minds without conscience...like shooting and bombing from the sky.
Dave, my heart goes out to you and your family. I am sorry that you are enduring something that you never planned for. I hope for your kids sake and for your own you keep your eyes on Christ Who is your Life! You asked for honesty and not pity and in that heart I submit this response to you. I can only hope that you are continuing to search after Him with all of your heart and to show an example to your kids who also need Jesus so desperately!
With that being said, bro, you are looking at the wrong things�.is God in control or are you left here to do it all yourself. Is it not He Who works in you and through you? Is His hand not strong enough or able to bring you a wife? What does it say in the Scriptures? Isaiah 42:28-31
28 Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth, faints not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding.
29 He gives power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increases strength.
30 Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall:
31 But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
You say �I may be in Shell-Shock already, but as the battlefield clears, I find it laid waste and desolate, and me alone with a virtually empty weapon.� You are not alone unless you are not a Christian�.and what about your children? If you are alone, what in the world are they thinking? They didn�t even start the battle and certainly didn�t think to pick up a weapon during the battle. I don�t know why you got divorced but it just didn�t affect you. You need to turn your eyes away from yourself brother and look unto Jesus�.He is the Anchor that holds and the friend that sticks closer than a brother. He knows exactly what happened and why it did and He is the Lord of your life�.wondering why you can�t find a woman is the least of your worries!
And you think you have gained only disqualifiers�. Pursue God brother with ALL of your heart. That is our, MY most desperate need! Without Him we can do nothing! (John 15:5) How long have you been divorced? They say you need a year for every year you were married before you get married again. Have you seen the re married statistics�.over 60% of those who get married a second time fail again and the statistics for third and fourth timers is even more dismal.
And again, �here is how I see it.� How does God see it? Like it or not you were involved in the marriage and you were also involved in the divorce. You have a responsibility as the leader of the home�.you are not the Leader but the leader�.if you were not seeking God while married you were not leading�..He always Leads so you cannot drop the blame on God�.none of us ever can. If your wife brought the event about then she bears some responsibility but you still chose her in the first place. Hopefully you were being Led in the first place. Has she remarried? Did she commit adultery before the divorce? What is the God of miracles actually wants to bring you back together because He is a God of restoration? I see so many divorced people running to their next relationship because they hate �him� or �her� never leaving room for a change of heart�..or Him to change my heart!
A-You are high risk. To think otherwise is to deceive yourself. Why? Because your first marriage failed and you were involved in it! You didn�t do what needed to be done in that one so what makes some precious little open hearted Christian woman trusts that you can make this one work. Where was God during that marriage? He doesn�t want us as men to ever leave our wives because He hates divorce. Does this make you a bad person? NO!!!!! It just means you need to learn to walk with God and especially hear His voice in regards to another marriage. Why? Well, the reasons are countless but most importantly for your own peace and for the sake of your CHILDREN!!!!!
A-Free loaders? Sugar mama? Really? No, they see them as a risk and if they were interested it wouldn�t be a race to the altar but a slow determined process of spending time to see how you deal with situations that come up as you spend time together in different types of scenarios. You should be evaluating the same things.
A-Do you have a job? Has it been long term? If so, then you probably can provide but given the financial crisis America has seen over the last few years all bets are off. If you lost your job would you do the right thing and go get another? Even if it met working at McDonalds? So that your family could eat? Good�.Yes? that is the answer!
A-Unstable? Have you sought God and diligently given yourself to Him? In regards to marriage and your previous wife? Does He want you to be remarried? Unstableness is seen by how you handle things. Unlovely? We are what we are on the outside but His beauty and His Spirit lives in us if we are Christians and He is not unlovely. Again, maybe you are looking at the wrong things Dave!
A-The point is that you need to man up and trust God. You need to become a man of faith and live that out no matter what�..why? Because He said I will never leave you nor forsake you. He knows the plans He has for you�.
Dude, you are not a woman that has raised 3 kids by herself who has a husband that left them all when they were babies and couldn�t handle it. Woman have just as much of a difficult time being divorced and having children still to raise while still wanting a husband. They can be pretty and nice and oh, by the way�..it becomes a deal breaker for some men.
A-God clearly tells us in Scripture that we are NOT to follow our hearts. It is a ploy of the enemy to get us to do so. Are they really or better yet are we really following Gods Word in this matter? Proverbs 28:26
26 He that trusts in his own heart is a fool: but whoso walks wisely, he shall be delivered.
A-Is the Western view correct? Is it Biblical? I don�t think so!
A-Dave, yes, women or at least some women feel uncomfortable and grilling them on �why� can come across as weak and pathetic. Why? Because we are suppose to be focused on Christ and His life in us. Because He is our Joy and our Strength! Because our eyes are not to be upon ourselves but upon Him and the needs of others. Brother, I fail miserably daily but I know that He alone is the Answer�..He Alone is the Solution�..I cannot breathe without Him. I need His choices for me and am afraid of making my own�..Why? because I have made so many mistakes without Him already and they are burdensome and hard. Bro, Jesus is the man of her dreams! Him in you the Hope of glory. You taking up your cross daily and seeking Him for His life is what they want. Someone willing to die to themselves and love her like Christ loved the Church.
It shouldnt be all about what we can get from the other person, rather what we can do for and through the Lord first.
Then everything else will fall into place. There is too much pressure on being the best and proving ourselves. To whom? To the one that really counts? We lable and judge each other
for what we drive, wear,eat,the materiial things and jobs we hold.What for? We need to think about the unity of the 3 of us when in a relationship instead of me me me. Of the 3 of us, we know God is first, then the other person, then ourself. Hmm hard to do, huh? Give more to others, it makes you feel better to help. And as far as that comment about Korean women? They are no different than any other race. We all have as many faults no matter the race. When I have made judgement against men, it was meant for all races, LOL! Hugs to everyone and let's think more about the Lord in everything we do, because face it, most of our thoughts are Selfish.
This message is for Rich: I agree wholeheartedly with what you have said and could never have put it into words as well as you did. We need to humble ourselves and look at the changes we, ourselves, need to make in order to have healthy relationships and marriages.
No one is disqualified from GOD'S grace no matter what they have done or when they decide to accept it. It seems people disqualify others based upon age, physicality, distance, etc. Being led by the flesh disqualifies us from receiving the fulness of GOD'S blessings. Only when we understand that we are 100% complete in HIM can, and not from anything that the other person brings to us, can we love the JESUS did...in complete freedom to love without any expectation of return.
