CHEMISTRY... what is it?... and... is it important?
Posted : 3 Oct, 2009 08:12 AM
Hi...I wanted to spread the thread this morning about a subject that is regarded among some in Christendom to be a sign of carnality... and that's the word "Chemistry".
I've come across this word in several ladies' profiles as a sort of a "don't waste my time".... if "chemistry" is not there. I've been on this site for about a year now and talked with hundreds of ladies and have come to this conclusion: That "chemistry" is indeed important in a relationship...that spark...that WOW...that magic( oops...did I say that word ).
What is it?...It seems to me firstly that it is a physical attraction to that person. When Jacob saw Rachel and Leah standing before him...why did he fall head over heels for Rachel and not Leah? Why was he so willing to work for Laban 7 years and another 7 years to be officially married to Rachel? And what was so special about Sarah that Abraham was drawn to? Even Isaac was blessed with a beautiful wife. Obviously God did not think it was carnal or sinful to find someone attractive if He would allow Abraham, Jacob, and Isaac to be blessed with beautiful wives.
In regards to searching for my wife... I admit...that if I am not attracted to a lady physically I really do not have a desire to go further, regardless of other great qualities she may possess. Am I carnal?
Someone will quote to me 1Samuel 16:7 as evidence of my carnality that God looks at the heart and man looks on the outward appearance. BUT WAIT!.... God was simply pointing out a truth, not a condemnation. I'm not God...I'm a man. God put two eyes in my head to be attracted to beauty. No one thinks it's wrong to find flowers beautiful, or a mountain, or the stars. Why is it wrong therefore to be attracted to someone's outward beauty? Why is it thought in Christendom that when looking for a mate one must only look on the heart and disregard the outward?
However, as my son pointed out ...chemistry between people is a MUTUAL attraction... I agree... It's not really chemistry if your attraction towards someone is all one sided. I have found many ladies attractive on this site who simply did not find me attractive...no chemistry. And there are ladies who find me attractive...but I do not feel the same way towards them...no chemistry.
Yet... I must confess that I have discovered that chemistry GOES DEEPER than the outward appearance. On two separate experiences where there was mutual physical attraction between us...there was still something missing... we were not connecting on all cylinders. So we decided to mutually agree to part company. If the chemistry is not there... why try to force it?
So...my intellectual friends... let's hear your insight on Chemistry 101...What is it ? And is it important?
CHEMISTRY... what is it?... and... is it important?
Posted : 3 Oct, 2009 09:12 AM
Nicely worded Paul, and I agree with you - for the most part. I agree that the initial physical attraction must be there for us to want to pursue something further. However, I have also known men that I was not at all physically attracted to, but after getting to know them, they became very attractive because of the outstanding qualities they had that just didn't "outwardly show" when we first met. I've known people who by the world's standards were not "beautiful people." (And I'm not saying that to be mean to anyone - I'm not one of them, either!) But after time, they became drop dead gorgeous because of their demeanor, their kindness, their personality, their confidence...
I agree that there are two phases to the "chemistry." The physical attraction and the mental attraction. I'm just saying they don't always go in that order. And sometimes the mental attraction gives you new eyes and you're able to see that person, who may not be attractive to the rest of the world, as the beauty they really are. And sometimes after finding out about the personality, the outward beauty fades fast. Lol
CHEMISTRY... what is it?... and... is it important?
Posted : 3 Oct, 2009 04:10 PM
I actually agree with both of you.Thats why I dont hold out much hope for online dating.I could see a scenario where I could connect completley with someone on an intellectual,emotional and spiritual level,then upon meeting her,just couldnt physically bring myself to be with her,Im afraid this might be more challenging for the men on here being more visual than the ladies,however having never been a women,I really cant judge how much they truly care about physical attraction!Plus I always wonder how honest some of these people are when it comes to there pictures!Ive seen some gals have three pictures posted that look like their from three different decades LOL
In Christ
Steven
Also,and please dont be offended by this ladies,but before you call men shallow,remeber,we have parts that have to respond physically in order to consumate our union
this is how we are created.there is no getting around it.luckily for me,my standards are not through the roof like some mens are.I dont need a beauty queen,just an average gal who is in good physical condition.
CHEMISTRY... what is it?... and... is it important?
Posted : 10 Oct, 2009 04:48 PM
I agree with all of you to a point. I always look at the heart & their qualities that mesh with my own before looking at their picture. I have talked with men on here with no picture & have never asked to see a picture of them first eigther because they could be exactly your type in looks & do nothing intelectually or on the same level as yourself & it will mean nothing. I do believe that their has to be a strong chemistry for any relationship to work definately beyond looks, going into a magnetic attraction. Where there is just something that pulls the 2 of you together. And yes the magnets need to be equal or 1 will be much more attracted than the other. Then it becomes an unhealthy relationship. I have wondered how people can just sleep with someone for revenge or for pleasure without that magnetism between the 2? Maybe people are just too desensitized.
CHEMISTRY... what is it?... and... is it important?
Posted : 11 Oct, 2009 08:26 PM
Absolutely, its important. I don't think its wrong. I think its how God made us. But, if the attraction causes us to flirt or lust, that is what's wrong. Just to appreciate someone's beauty is a good think, I think.
But for me its not just physical attraction. I think on some sense we sense each other's spirits, and there's all kind of things going into play I think, like body language, etc. For me, I can see a guy with a great face and physique, and think "wow!", but it doesn't mean I want to get to know him. The look in the eyes is very important for me. And if he opens his mouth and what comes out is unattractive, then the initial attraction quickly fades. And I've also have fallen in love with guys who I was only somewhat attracted to at first, but when I got to know them, I was very interested. When I was younger looks definitely were more important to me. But then you realize that living with someone day after day, the things that will be much more important then are things like character, their walk with God, their personality, sense of humor, etc. In other words, how important are looks going to be when you need practical help or an intimate friend, or someone who will try to understand your side of things.
I'm not sure if it is quite the same for men. Aren't women wired a little different? So, maybe for women, the whole picture is a little more important....I don't know. One theory I found interesting goes something like this: That we are attracted to the people who have the same positive and negative characteristics of those who were are caretakers in those first few very important years of our lives. It kind of goes with the theory that we try to re-do situations with our parents that caused us a lot of pain, like if a dad was controlling, we end up being subconsciously attracted to controlling men, so we can have a do-over and try to have someone love us who won't control us. Its psychology, so it could be way off. What does everybody else think about that? Think back on your relationships and think about if they had the same characteristics as one of your parents. I hope it didn't make you feel hopeless. God heals us emotionally I think, as we grow spiritually, and aren't people more attracted to someone they seem on the same spiritual plane?
The verse that came to mind is Proverbs 30:18-19 There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand: the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with a maiden. So maybe we're not supposed to understand it.
CHEMISTRY... what is it?... and... is it important?
Posted : 11 Oct, 2009 11:07 PM
Thank you to everyone who has responded. Your insights are very much appreciated. I've come to realize that beyond the physical attraction, chemistry also needs to happen in the soul... in the spirit... in the mind...and in communication between one another. That coming together as one in ALL aspects is such a beautiful thought and certainly worth seeking.
CHEMISTRY... what is it?... and... is it important?
Posted : 13 Oct, 2009 11:40 PM
I like this whole discussion because I too, have found certain men very attractive and then after a date or two~knew it wasn't there on all levels. I even wanted to try and make one fit into my world because he was so cute and funny~~but we both got frustrated and just let it go as friends.
Then I dated one whom I was not attracted to at all~~he kept pursuing me after I told him that it would not work~~difference of our Christian beliefs~he saw nothing wrong with pre marital sex~ya~ so anyway, I did fall for him after he scaled the wall majorly to be with me and then he realized how much we would clash because of my strong love for the Lord and His word~so he backed off and we are now occasional email friends.
So~~I look at it like this~ "What God hath joined together"~ includes chemistry and all the other areas that will make my soul mate fit like a glove with me.
CHEMISTRY... what is it?... and... is it important?
Posted : 28 Oct, 2009 07:07 PM
I have always been baffled by my conversations with people about chemistry.Probably why I am somewhat cynical about online social sites. To me what is important is to ask "Can this person help me to serve God better?" "Can this person meet my needs as a partner in a marriage and we help each other grow in CHrist." True intimacy comes from a relationship based on mutuality. I don't know how initial "chemistry" can be helpful in deciding. Seems shallow to me. I personally don't find profile pics helpful--I look at the content.
A relationship that thrives is based on people meeting each others' needs which then foster feelings that run deep and strong--that is true CHEMISTRY.
CHEMISTRY... what is it?... and... is it important?
Posted : 17 Dec, 2009 03:05 PM
Sometimes chemistry is "are you delivered from your flesh?' i.e., do we operate with the fruit of the Spirit? Love is great! What about self control and temperence? Do you love your brother and your sister in Christ? God's word says that if we love Him we will do His commandments. If we live a lifesyle according to God's word then we will live a life of fulfillment on the earth regardless of who we are with.
God will give to us the perfect mate as long as we believe He will do it and that we wait on Him. (I know I'm not preachin' to myself! Come on, somebody!)
What I am learning is that no matter how nice and wonderful a person can be when you first get to know them at some point in time, usually sooner than later, thier character will be revealed.
CHEMISTRY... what is it?... and... is it important?
Posted : 1 Jan, 2010 09:38 PM
So after pondering all these insights, I'm left wondering, "What is chemistry then, to the one whom the more attractives of the world do not perceive as outwardly "beautiful"?
Or another version of this might be, "If you weren't so gorgeous would you be as concerned about chemistry?" Or wouldja be hoping people would take a minute to get past the features God thinks looks just right on them?
Final thought that just came in . . . another unfortunate fellow in the Bible was also asked by God to marry a harlot. And I'm sure she had plenty of charm to spare . . .
Just hoping to illuminate some of our entitled North American Christian attitudes and platitudes . . . Hope I haven't crossed any serious dipolomatic lines.
