Author	Thread: A little hesitant to post this...
cowgirl1984 View Profile History	A little hesitant to post this... Posted : 8 Oct, 2010 12:51 AM Disclaimer: This is VERY long. I'm a little scared to post this as it is a very personal subject, but then so are half the things in the forums! I wasn't sure which forum was best suited for this, but let's just go with this one :) I have struggled my whole life with different disorders. I have had OCD my whole life. I have grown a lot and learned to control my compulsive behaviors, but I do sometimes get a little compulsive still. However, that is now an underlying disorder. I had a lot of issues with anxiety and depression as a child stemming from various incidences. Then when I was 13, I started going through some serious emotional issues, beyond just normal puberty. All through middle school and high school, I turned to my parents, school counselors, teachers, youth pastors, pastors, Christian women in the church, etc. Other than my parents and of course the high school counselors since I went to a public high school, all anyone ever said was, "Pray and God will take it away." I prayed constantly and with faith that God would heal me. I begged and pleaded with Him for a few years. My parents at least took me to see a professional Christian counselor. She made me uncomfortable though, so I convinced her I was fine because I didn't want to see her. I went to a county social worker/counselor for a while, and she said I had generalized anxiety and gave me a medication for it, which made it worse. I turned to a lot of friends out of desperation and eventually lost many of those friends. I started having frequent panic attacks in high school, and because my parents didn't understand, instead of trying to help me, they would just fight with me. I can't and don't blame them, but it did make things worse. In college, I tried to start over and was doing okay, but I still couldn't escape. Back to the "pray and God will take it away" advice, I started praying constantly again that God would heal me, but He didn't. And that made me angry. Partly at God, but mostly at the church. Especially when, rather than ACTUALLY trying to help me, they shunned me. I finally had to just leave this church for a few years, a church I had gone to with my family for several years already, and even now it can be uncomfortable going back. I have never had a problem with the pastoral staff. They were and are all wonderful. It was just nearly everyone I knew in the congregation. I have found a couple of churches that I really like, so I'm attending one of them now when I go (I admit, occasionally I sleep through my alarm). It created a lot of bitterness in me. I finally forgave, but it was difficult. I knew I had bipolar (I'd known since I was 14 and learned about it), but everyone kept telling me I was wrong because at that time, the DSM didn't allow for random/rapid cycling or mixed episodes, which is what I experienced. I tried everything--all the relaxation techniques, herbal and other OTC remedies, etc. Nothing worked. When I was almost done with high school, they finally split bipolar (haha, that's a mildly amusing pun) into two types, allowing for mine to finally be defined and diagnosable. But by that time, I had given up on getting help. At 20, I got to a point where I couldn't function anymore. I called a psychiatrist and asked for help because I was desperate. They had me come in right away because they could tell less than 5 minutes into the call that I most definitely had bipolar. At this point it had gone undiagnosed (other than my correct self-diagnosis) for 7 years. They started me on a medication for it, and it has been almost 6 years now. It works and I do not struggle with bipolar symptoms anymore. But it sometimes affects my relationships, romantic or otherwise, in ways that are not my fault. For example, I met this really great guy and we became close friends. I was scared to date because I had come out of a horrible relationship very recently, but we went back and forth. I knew it was unfair to him, but we still stayed friends. Then one day he told me that he didn't know what to do because his brother told him to stay away from me since I have bipolar. I had been completely open with this guy and he had done research and asked me questions and everything. He didn't have a problem with it and he knew me really well at that point. Then his brother said something, and his brother had never even met me. That put a little bit of doubt in this guy's mind. I got frustrated but let it go. Then he said something else to me, I don't remember what. So I told him if his brother said he shouldn't talk to me, then maybe he shouldn't. I wish I hadn't, but I was hurt. We haven't talked since. I know this is a very long post, and I apologize. Sadly, this is what was left after I cut some stuff out. If anyone actually read it, thanks :) I've just had a lot of problems with Christians because some can be very judgmental about it, as if I'm weak in my faith or "didn't pray hard enough." Plus it's hard that you can meet really great people who turn against you due to a lack of understanding/social stigma even though you did nothing to deserve it. I'm sure some of you have had similar experiences, so I thought maybe this would be a good place to post and share. Post Reply
cowgirl1984 View Profile History	A little hesitant to post this... Posted : 15 Oct, 2010 06:32 PM @dodger. Sorry I didn't reply to you earlier! Sometimes when there are several posts in a row with no picture, I get confused as to who's who and what's what, haha. Thank you for the suggestions. I'm always up for hearing a speaker who isn't all "churchy" as long as they speak God's truth. Post Reply
View Profile History	A little hesitant to post this... Posted : 15 Oct, 2010 06:57 PM @cowgirl1984, sorry I guess I missed that from your post. If I offended you or anyone else, I truly apologize. Post Reply
cowgirl1984 View Profile History	A little hesitant to post this... Posted : 15 Oct, 2010 08:21 PM You didn't offend me. I just wasn't sure if you missed it or if you saw it and disagreed :) I mainly figured you missed that part and also that you were trying to be helpful/encouraging, which is ALWAYS appreciated :applause: It's just one of those things where I see or hear about other Christians who are on medication and get really beat down because of the stigma. Everyone certainly has a right to their opinion though. I certainly don't mean to be a bear today but I think I probably have been. Yikes! :prayingf: Post Reply
View Profile History	A little hesitant to post this... Posted : 16 Oct, 2010 10:58 AM cowgirl you are wise beyond your years. I to have many physical and one or two mental issues that I deal with hourly. The Lord has already told me to bear my afflictions. God uses my problems to reach other people. Sure it is difficult some times but I am in Gods will --pleasing Him and that is all that is important. Post Reply
hubbarddebra99 View Profile History	A little hesitant to post this... Posted : 18 Oct, 2010 10:42 AM Kaynine, what Cowgirl says is true. i thank God everyday for a medicine like Paxil that has made such a Good difference in my life, just as i'm sure that there are diabetics who thank God every day for their medicines. Depression is a real medical condition, just as are other mental illnesses. God bless, and thank God for the Doctors, Scientists, and other understanding people who work to cure it! Post Reply
View Profile History	A little hesitant to post this... Posted : 18 Oct, 2010 11:05 AM To be honest, I should have given it more thought before my first post on this thread. I forget sometimes that I still have days where I'm down about something, but I usually keep it to myself and tell people otherwise. So I was wrong to say that I'm cured, and I'm still sorry that I've offended you all with what I said earlier. (And no, I'm not saying this out of pity or just plain guilt, I do still struggle and was wrong to say that I don't anymore) This is a situation where I wish we had a delete option for posts we don't want up anymore. Post Reply
View Profile History	A little hesitant to post this... Posted : 18 Oct, 2010 11:15 AM @ Cowgirl. I have suffered with depression for many years. about 25 years ago I had a sever anxiety attack while I was at work and have never been sure what, if anything, triggered it. I was nearly hospitalized and became heavily medicated for a while. My wife thought I had lost my mind and left me. I did recover but now I need some mild medication now and then. I never stay on anything long term. I went to an amazing counselor recently for two years and discovered so many wonderful coping skills as well as a new and different way to view myself and the world around me. I also went through some anger management counseling because I was still dealing with the abuse my father dished out when I was a kid and the manner in which my mother failed to defend me. Even though I understand it all I still had issues of anger about it. Now I don't know why people get so mad about stuff but I realize there is probably an underlying issue and I am just the target du jur! The important thing is that you find support and encouragement and always have good and wise counsel. It is important to have people you can trust to help you make wise choices and decisions that will bring goodness to you. It really helps me to know that our Father has a lap big enough for me to climb up into and feel safe and well. He holds me and talks to me and makes me feel much better. Maybe you should climb up here with us and see how it feels! Peace and Blessings Thunder Post Reply
cowgirl1984 View Profile History	A little hesitant to post this... Posted : 18 Oct, 2010 10:49 PM @kaynine. No worries. A lot of people say stuff like that. I didn't mean to make you feel bad! There are just all different causes for depression, and sometimes it requires medication and I think sometimes people just don't understand that since it's not something you can really see. You were posting your experience and that is what this thread is for--so we can share our experiences. I should not have looked only at that one part of your post. To be honest, I have always enjoyed your posts because you make great points and contributions in whatever topic, so I am really glad that you posted in here too. I apologize if I made you feel like I was saying your view was invalid. I guess I get a little defensive when it seems like someone is saying "anti-depressants are evil" even though I know that's not what you were saying. It was wrong of me to react in that fashion. Completely hypocritical of me since I wanted this post to be a place where everyone could post their experience and encouragement without criticism, and then I did the criticizing! And I really am honestly glad that you were willing to share your experience! There are many different causes of depression, and one that doesn't require medication is no less damaging than one that does. I do believe there are many cases where medication doesn't do anything because the cause of the depression for that individual is not chemical. The depression that you experienced and still occasionally experience is something that will give you the ability to relate to those who are downtrodden and depressed by circumstance or by their lack of a relationship with Jesus and reach out to them, and that's a very valuable thing. Plus, you won't get labeled as "crazy" :goofball: @Thunder. I appreciate the words of encouragement. I am very happy with where I am in my life. Words of encouragement certainly never hurt! We do all have bad days now and then, and you never know when an uplifting word will change someone's day. Post Reply
View Profile History	A little hesitant to post this... Posted : 19 Oct, 2010 09:41 AM I'm glad we could come to an understanding. You're right, people deal with depression differently, and we shouldn't judge people based on how depressed they are/were, or to what degree they struggle(d) with it. Its something in our lives that God can use to bring glory to Himself, and we need to be willing for Him to use us in such a way. Post Reply
cowgirl1984 View Profile History	A little hesitant to post this... Posted : 19 Oct, 2010 11:33 AM Definitely! I had to come to the conclusion years ago that the reason God wasn't answering my prayers with a yes and taking it away was because He had and has a purpose for it. Post Reply

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