I'm a little scared to post this as it is a very personal subject, but then so are half the things in the forums! I wasn't sure which forum was best suited for this, but let's just go with this one :)
I have struggled my whole life with different disorders. I have had OCD my whole life. I have grown a lot and learned to control my compulsive behaviors, but I do sometimes get a little compulsive still. However, that is now an underlying disorder.
I had a lot of issues with anxiety and depression as a child stemming from various incidences. Then when I was 13, I started going through some serious emotional issues, beyond just normal puberty.
All through middle school and high school, I turned to my parents, school counselors, teachers, youth pastors, pastors, Christian women in the church, etc. Other than my parents and of course the high school counselors since I went to a public high school, all anyone ever said was, "Pray and God will take it away." I prayed constantly and with faith that God would heal me. I begged and pleaded with Him for a few years. My parents at least took me to see a professional Christian counselor. She made me uncomfortable though, so I convinced her I was fine because I didn't want to see her. I went to a county social worker/counselor for a while, and she said I had generalized anxiety and gave me a medication for it, which made it worse. I turned to a lot of friends out of desperation and eventually lost many of those friends.
I started having frequent panic attacks in high school, and because my parents didn't understand, instead of trying to help me, they would just fight with me. I can't and don't blame them, but it did make things worse.
In college, I tried to start over and was doing okay, but I still couldn't escape. Back to the "pray and God will take it away" advice, I started praying constantly again that God would heal me, but He didn't. And that made me angry. Partly at God, but mostly at the church. Especially when, rather than ACTUALLY trying to help me, they shunned me. I finally had to just leave this church for a few years, a church I had gone to with my family for several years already, and even now it can be uncomfortable going back. I have never had a problem with the pastoral staff. They were and are all wonderful. It was just nearly everyone I knew in the congregation. I have found a couple of churches that I really like, so I'm attending one of them now when I go (I admit, occasionally I sleep through my alarm). It created a lot of bitterness in me. I finally forgave, but it was difficult.
I knew I had bipolar (I'd known since I was 14 and learned about it), but everyone kept telling me I was wrong because at that time, the DSM didn't allow for random/rapid cycling or mixed episodes, which is what I experienced. I tried everything--all the relaxation techniques, herbal and other OTC remedies, etc. Nothing worked. When I was almost done with high school, they finally split bipolar (haha, that's a mildly amusing pun) into two types, allowing for mine to finally be defined and diagnosable. But by that time, I had given up on getting help.
At 20, I got to a point where I couldn't function anymore. I called a psychiatrist and asked for help because I was desperate. They had me come in right away because they could tell less than 5 minutes into the call that I most definitely had bipolar. At this point it had gone undiagnosed (other than my correct self-diagnosis) for 7 years. They started me on a medication for it, and it has been almost 6 years now. It works and I do not struggle with bipolar symptoms anymore.
But it sometimes affects my relationships, romantic or otherwise, in ways that are not my fault. For example, I met this really great guy and we became close friends. I was scared to date because I had come out of a horrible relationship very recently, but we went back and forth. I knew it was unfair to him, but we still stayed friends. Then one day he told me that he didn't know what to do because his brother told him to stay away from me since I have bipolar. I had been completely open with this guy and he had done research and asked me questions and everything. He didn't have a problem with it and he knew me really well at that point. Then his brother said something, and his brother had never even met me. That put a little bit of doubt in this guy's mind. I got frustrated but let it go. Then he said something else to me, I don't remember what. So I told him if his brother said he shouldn't talk to me, then maybe he shouldn't. I wish I hadn't, but I was hurt. We haven't talked since.
I know this is a very long post, and I apologize. Sadly, this is what was left after I cut some stuff out. If anyone actually read it, thanks :)
I've just had a lot of problems with Christians because some can be very judgmental about it, as if I'm weak in my faith or "didn't pray hard enough." Plus it's hard that you can meet really great people who turn against you due to a lack of understanding/social stigma even though you did nothing to deserve it. I'm sure some of you have had similar experiences, so I thought maybe this would be a good place to post and share.
Cowgirl, I'm grateful that you feel safe enough here to share so openly with us. I know that it's not easy to speak about such personal things sometimes. I won't pretend to know what it's like be bipolar or to have OCD, but I have been through some "similar" stuff, so will share about those experiences.
When I was about 4, I was recruited into a sex ring in my neighbourhood. I was best friends w/ the girl across the street and her dad was one of the adults involved. It started out with just him molesting us and then expanded to him bringing in probably hundreds of different people over the years. We were forced to have sex w/ them and films were made and photographs taken and money exchanged hands.
And my parents were really abusive. They were great in some aspects and very indulgent, but they were violent. And they were (and still are) very respected in their church. So, I didn't really feel like I had anyone I could talk to. I didn't feel safe telling my parents about what was happening across the street and I didn't feel safe telling the church about my parents. So I kept silent and it really ate away at me. There's so much darkness and despair in keeping our struggles hidden. And when I finally told the youth pastor and his wife about some of the stuff that happened at home they didn't believe me, which just made me feel worse.
All of this contributed heavily to body image issues and control issues and *fun* stuff like that... When I was 14, I became bulimic and when I was 15, I started cutting myself. I struggled w/ both of those things for a very long time. I actually just had a little bulimic slip-up about a month ago (http://www.christiandatingforfree.com/forum/forum_details.php?topic_id=6392&forum_sub_cat_id=10&start=0), but I'm back on track now. I'm trying to remember the last time I cut. I want to say that it was around the beginning of this year maybe.
I'm doing SO much better than I was. I rarely slip up really and I rely on God really consistently to give me the strength to not give in, but it is still something that has to be explained to potential boyfriends. And the majority of guys don't ever talk to me again after I tell them. And if they get past that, then I usually chase them away later on as I talk more in-depth about my past. And I've had female friends be the same way.
People are always accusing me of having too much drama or even of just being offensive by talking about it. There are people in this forum who are offended by my mentioning of things things in my past. And, I'm sure when I wake up in the morning that I'll have a couple or so messages in my inbox telling me how horrible I am!
So, needless to say, I have felt like I'm branded. Like I have this stamp on my forehead that says "freak." And that has been a really, really hard thing to get past. People will just speak those platitudes to you... that you should pray more or read your Bible more. And I'll be thinking: "I've already been doing that. What would actually help is if I could talk about this with someone w/out being afraid that they'll run the other way." People have just been so quick to dismiss me and pass me off on someone else... like a counselor or God. And it's certainly not wrong to suggest that someone see a counselor or take their problems to God, but one of the roles of the church in our lives is to encourage us and walk through life with us. As followers of Christ, we should not be shirking that responsibility. It's wrong to communicate to people that they have to go fix their problems w/ a counselor before they're welcome to fellowship w/ Christians.
Ultimately, what I've had to realize is that I don't have to please all of those judgmental people. They can just go ahead and be offended and treat me like a pariah. Guess who that reflects on when they do that? It reflect on THEM. It says absolutely nothing about who I am. Who I am is completely secure in Christ regardless of what anyone else thinks about me. And you know what? God is sovereign. The man He has for you won't run the other way.
A song that has really ministered to me is "You Are My Stronghold," by Watermark. Part of it goes: "I am confident / That they cannot make me less / For You have made me whole." The first time I heard that song, I think that it maybe hit me for the first time that my identity truly is in Christ and not in what other people think of me or what they've done to me.
Anyway... wow... this is long too... And it's late, so who knows if it's even making any sense or will help you at all. Feel free to ask me any questions or message me privately if you want/need to talk.
It felt good to share that, but I doubt I would have if I hadn't been tired and not really thinking clearly :)
Wow! You have been through some intense stuff. I'm really glad you shared all that. It's hard because I know that others have had problems with churches, but no one ever talks about it. If you try to talk to people about it, a lot of times they will shut you down. And you end up "looking bad" because you are "badmouthing" your church or the congregation. It makes it so difficult that they don't even try to understand. I don't expect everyone to ever fully understand or relate, but they could make some effort! Like you said, as Christians it is our responsibility to encourage each other through difficult times. We all experience dark valleys and deserts so to speak, and no one should have to go through that alone. Another platitude I get a lot is that you don't need anyone but God. And while that is absolutely true that He is all that matters, that doesn't mean it's not important to be surrounded by other believers who will support you and love you with the love of Jesus and encourage you.
I'm glad you shared about going through a time when you would cut yourself. I also did that and I still have some faint scars on one of my arms and one of my legs. It's an addiction and hard to break. I used all kinds of lies and excuses for my cuts, things like getting scratched by a cat and whatnot. The last time I relapsed was a few years ago when I was staying at my ex-boyfriends house (I think I am going to post more details on this relationship in the advice on love and dating forum so that maybe I can help someone else avoid some of the mistakes I've made). He wasn't home when I did it, but when he got back he caught me. Know what his response was? "If you take aspirin first, you'll bleed more." Wow. I still get tempted sometimes, but it's difficult because I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it.
When you said, "So, needless to say, I have felt like I'm branded. Like I have this stamp on my forehead that says "freak." And that has been a really, really hard thing to get past." that hit really close to home for me. That is how I feel a lot of times, especially at my old church. It is so encouraging to know that I am not alone in feeling like that.
I will have to check out that song! Thanks :) And thanks for your post, it was very encouraging. And it wasn't any longer than mine, haha
I don't have time right now because I'm sooo hungry, but I will send you a message later. I think it would be really great to talk because it's so nice to finally meet someone who is honest and open and not afraid of talking about the harsh realities and truths in life.
Dear Pixy and Cowgirl,under Praise Reports headed Scents from Heaven,on Chat Forum you'll see i get confused as well.
The music which helps me is Hillsong Worship,Its Your Love and Incense, and At the Cross which I'm listening to as i type this,but most if not all their music has massively been a gigantic help when feeling deserted and alone.
I also listen to Paul Anderson Walsh a great communicator whose talks you can download,he has his own website.just type in his name or type in Grace London as he runs that also,i like him because he became very dissillusioned with the church.
I hope this has been helpful,i really admire your openness in placing your experiences on view,i really hope you receive lots of guidance and unconditional christian love.
Take care special people, Ta Ta for now Dodger in U.K.
I am OCD/depression too. It's not easy. I get that I'm both a rotten Christian and mother for taking Paxil. Yet it has help so much, the medicine was like a new life!
Why do so many people expect Christians to be perfect? I really see it in churches. Bounce, Bounce, praise, praise, and make real sure you look perfect doing too! Not that there is anything wrong with worshiping, but why the false front of seeming to be perfect. God loves ME, as i am and I love Him for it!
I wanna say more, but can't get it to come out right!
@Debra. Oh yes, God forbid we should take medication that will help to combat the symptoms of an illness so that instead of focusing on that, we can focus on Jesus. That would just be wrong and unacceptable, and like you said we must be horrible Christians. Okay seriously, how many of them take otc remedies for cold and flu symptoms? Antibiotics for infections? Other prescriptions for conditions you can SEE the symptoms of? Okay, so, because you can't "see" depression, it doesn't exist? And et the arguments so many Christians use for the existence of God is just because you can't see Him doesn't mean He doesn't exist. You can feel the effects. That argument doesn't work for some things and not others. You can't pick and choose...
@cowgirl1984, before I became a believer, I suffered from depression. I talked about killing myself, but never thought of how I would do it, nor did I ever actually attempt it. God in His mercy spared me from making a huge mistake, and I'm very thankful he did, or else I would be in Hell right now. The day I accepted Christ, He healed my depression in a way that no medication, psychiatrist, or psychologist had previously done in my life to that point. Remember that you don't have to be depressed, because you have the joy of a relationship with the Savior, and the joy of knowing that you will be in heaven with Christ for all eternity.
Kaynine, what you are saying is a dangerous thing to say. If your depression was solved by being saved, then your depression was a spiritual one. That doesn't mean everyone's is, and what you are saying is the kind of thing that could make someone in a position similar to mean feel or believe that they are "bad" or "not Christian enough" when that is not the case. I specifically addressed the spiritual healing issue in my post.
