I've thought and prayed a lot about being a pastor's wife. There is definitely some hesitation there, because I'm not sure I'm qualified for that role. However, over the past few months (starting last summer, perhaps), I've felt more at-peace about it. God would definitely be taking me out of my comfort zone, but if He does that, I'm sure He'll also give me the strength to do His will!
Nickel, you said "I think he's looking to you to make him happy and feel complete, because he can't get that feeling on his own from God." Yes, that's sort of the sense I'm getting as well. As for him being emotionally clingy, I'm not sure if that's it, but I think it's possible...and I'm not an emotionally clingy person, so I doubt we would get along well in person if he is. Thanks for commenting!
Thanks Cobbler. You sort of said what I've been trying to tell myself...pointing out all the positive possibilities for what seem to be negative things. I'm all for giving a guy a chance, but it seems like the longer we communicate, more negative than positive is coming out...and that's not what I hoped would happen!
Maybe I should also mention that he is 36, and wants to be a pastor. He hinted that one reason he is looking for a wife (and this could explain why he seems to want to move fast) is because most churches won't hire a single pastor...which is understandable.
Girls, I need your opinion on something. Guys, feel free to comment as well!
I've been talking to this guy online (we met on another site, not CDFF) for about three weeks. When he first contacted me, I was hesitant to communicate with him because of a few minor red flags in his profile (no dealbreakers, just stuff that made me go "huh?" and look quizzical). He lives about 6 hours away, so that also is a bit of an issue for me. Anyway, long story short, I decided to give him a chance, and the first couple weeks of communication were surprisingly good. For the past week, though, I've had an uneasy feeling about things. None of them are flat-out dealbreakers, but here are a few of the things that concern me.
1) He'd told me that trips to GA weren't really possible for him because of finances, but that he was planning to move to GA within a year. (I say: So...he can move here, but he can't visit here?)
2) He said that he was specifically looking for a girl who lived at least several hours away from him because he had no desire to marry someone local...he wants to move away from that area as soon as possible. (I say: Um, I don't want to be his ticket out of town.)
3) He admitted that he has no close friends, has a few friends who live far away, and has only a very few acquaintances nearby. (I say: Well, I noticed that he isn't smiling in any of his profile pictures...maybe he's not a friendly person?)
4) I've sensed some bitterness in a few of his emails...like he wants to blame others for some of the "problems" with his life. (I say: Why does he have to prove that nothing is his fault by pointing fingers at others?)
5) He's already talking about our future together...yet he hasn't even mentioned moving off-site so that we can continue to talk via personal email...and I'm honestly not sure right now if I'd be comfortable giving him my email address if he DID ask! (I say: He shouldn't talk about our future together until he's at least told me his last name!)
6) A few times, I took longer than normal to answer a message, and more than once he's sent a second message as if he's trying to remind me that he's waiting for a response. (I say: I have a full-time job and 2 part-time jobs, and an actual, real, not-online life! If I take 24 hours to answer his message, he needs to learn to deal with it!)
Am I being paranoid and over-analyzing this (as I often tend to do)? Or do you think I have legitimate reasons to feel uneasy? Like I said, these aren't really dealbreakers, just concerns. If I need to end communication, I need to do so before either of us get emotionally invested in the online "relationship." Right now, I'm at the point where I cringe when I see that I have yet another message from him.
On a positive note, there are a couple guys (one in particular) that I'm communicating with whose emails are greatly enjoyed and anticipated!
Perhaps the degree of sharing makes more difference than the exact time. I know that I'd appreciate something in the first few emails that says, "I wasn't saved until my late-20s, and I'm not proud of the life I lived before Jesus got hold of me. I'm a different person now, but when you are ready to hear about it, I'll be happy to share more." That lets me know that there is "a past" that probably needs to be discussed at some point, and prepares me for the possibility that it may be a difficult or shocking discussion. It also lets me know that the guy is willing to discuss it at some point.
Eventually (and prior to getting engaged), I would want to know everything (no, not every teeny tiny graphic detail in HD, but at least a very complete picture) about a guy's past, because his past makes him who he is. Hopefully, dealbreakers would have been ruled out by that point, of course!
I don't know if there is any sort of typical pattern for people around here (USA). If/when I get married, I'm going to assume that I need to be willing to join his church, but I wouldn't mind if he wanted to join my church.
A lot of the young couples that I know tend to start going to the same church while they are dating, and might even switch back and forth some so that neither person has to completely leave his/her church. Eventually, they seem to settle into one more than the other, then just keep going there once they get married. Whether it's "his" church or "her" church doesn't seem to matter. I wonder, though, if it's different in my town because of the large university here...many people didn't grow up in their current church because they've only lived here a few years, which makes switching churches a relatively minor issue for them.
Your post made sense to me. I've not had much luck with dating in the past, and it seems like everyone is willing to give me advice, tips, suggestions, etc. to improve my future dating. It is usually things like, "Don't add someone on FB if you want to date him. Never tell a guy that you still live at home. Be mysterious. Never be mysterious. Tell a guy everything there is about yourself right off. Withhold info about yourself until he deserves to know. Don't volunteer info about yourself. Don't admit that you've only dated one person. Don't ask too many questions. Ask a lot of questions. Online dating is wrong. Online dating rocks! Write your profile this way. No, this way." Yeah, contradictory advice is common, it would seem!
You know what? Even when applying those bits of advice, my dating life still didn't improve. In fact, it got downright stressful trying to always do what someone else said was "right." So I simply quit trying so hard, and started doing things MY way. I re-activated my account on another free site, joined a paid site just to compare it with the free ones, and re-wrote my profile on here. My next step was to contact a few of the guys who looked interesting. Then, I sat back and waited. I didn't expect anything different to happen, and I was almost at the point to where I didn't care.
Then the communication started rolling in on all three sites...and not only from the guys I'd contacted. Sure, some of them are still what I would call "duds" and I just tell them I'm not interested, but some of the guys really do have a lot of potential. Who knows if anything will actually come of all this communication, but at least my inbox isn't lonely anymore!
Giving me his email address (or asking for mine) would be fine once we'd exchanged a number of on-site messages, even if we haven't talked on the phone yet. This would be especially fine if we are having trouble with the dating site...for example, a guy sent me a reply yesterday, but it never went through. Poor fellow had to re-type the whole thing (and it was LONG!) If we have trouble again, I might just ask him to send messages to my email inbox instead.
I do have an email address that I give to guys on dating sites. It doesn't have my full name in it (shows up as just from "Beth" in their inbox, and doesn't have my name in the actual address either), so it's nearly as anonymous as the dating site.
Of course, I always reserve the right to refuse giving info to a guy. If I'm not comfortable sharing my number or email, I don't.
