OK, Cobbler. How can we help you? I really mean that. Tell us what we can do, even if it is something as "simple" as praying for you.
We throw advice (that you already know doesn't work) at you because no one here has ever truly been in your place. We may think our situations are similar, but they clearly are not. So instead of really helping you, we just tell you what worked for us, or our friends, or our parents, or someone we read about in a book. We are sincere in our attempts to help, but as you say, we don't understand exactly what you are dealing with.
I think there's a HUGE difference between being here strictly for the forums, and being here in hopes of getting a date. During the two and a half years I've been on here, there have been several couples who met on CDFF and hung around for the forums. They made it clear on their profiles that they were not available, posted picture of them together, etc., and no one had a problem with it. Then there are the people who are "separated" and on CDFF trying to find someone to date...while they are still married. THAT'S what I have a problem with.
I'm grateful that we have these forums to talk to other Christians, get ideas and advice, and give advice.
Well folks, I sent the guy an email explaining that we are not as good of a match as we initially seemed. I hope that I was able to do so in a gentle manner, as I don't want to hurt him. His reply simply said that he could understand where I was coming from, but was there anything I wanted to talk about? I sent him a brief reply to tell him thanks for understanding. I'm planning to close the match later today (once he has a chance to read my reply).
The final straw was an email he sent late last night (another "reminder" type of email since I hadn't yet answered the email he sent early yesterday morning). It definitely confirmed a few of my concerns, and I felt that it was an answer to prayer.
Devotedlove, I think you are seeing exactly what you want to see in the situation, but no one else seems to be seeing it.
Personally, I think it could be very easy for someone to not recognize that a friend has a "crush" on her, especially if he can't or won't come right out and admit that. Awkwardness doesn't always equal "love struck." That "endearing sight" may have been obvious to other people but not to her. (And whether or not they should have pointed it out to her so that she could take care not to encourage the crush is not the question here.)
It sounds to me like Samantha cared enough about Jake's soul to invite him to church. Jake thought he could have a better chance of winning Sam's heart by going to church, walking down the isle, and getting involved in church...he was mistaken. She still cared only for his soul, and cared for him as a friend. From the little bit of info we were given in the first post, I don't see where she was trying to use her sexuality to get him to come to church. And I saw nothing that made me think that they were physically intimate or anything other than JUST FRIENDS in Samantha's eyes. It's not her fault that Jake let his own emotions run wild.
One more thing: We as Christians are commanded to witness. Sometimes that means mingling with non-believers. Sometimes that means getting to know them and earning their trust and respect.
And yes, I know it's pointless to argue with you, so have fun tearing this post apart as well.
I remember seeing a situation similar to this once. A girl at church (she was probably in her early 20s) started bringing her boyfriend to church. It seemed pretty obvious that he was there only because she asked him to come, but after a while, he got saved and their relationship quickly went from dating to engagement...which made me wonder if his salvation was "real" or just a way to move the relationship along. After they were married, he still seemed very apathetic towards church, and even quit coming for a while. Eventually, though, he really did accept Christ and became an active church member who contributed greatly to the congregation and was eager to witness to the unsaved.
All that to say, I don't agree with "missionary dating," which seems to be what this girl at my church was doing. However, in the story you related, it doesn't seem that this was the case...the guy and girl were just friends, and she cared enough about him to witness to him and get him to come to church...and wasn't willing to jump right into a relationship with him before he had a chance to mature in his faith. I think he did the wrong thing by coming to church and "getting saved" just to win a place in her heart, and I think she did the right thing in refusing to date him immediately following his supposed decision. I would also question the validity of his salvation decision; just because someone goes forward and says a prayer doesn't mean that the decision was sincere or that the person actually accepted Christ. The fact that he admitted that he did it just so they could date would be a big red flag.
Yep, that's wrong, and I think most people on the forums will agree with you. However, I will say that I'm grateful that CDFF has "Separated" as an option, because otherwise those people would just say that they are "divorced" or "single" and it would be harder to filter them out.
Dkj, GA is Georgia, the state where I live in the United States! Sorry about that...I shouldn't have abbreviated!
I know you mostly asked those questions to give me things to think about, but sometimes writing out my thoughts and getting feedback helps too.
Right now, I'm planning to either end communication, or ask him to get his own life sorted out before we continue to talk. Red flags aside, I think that getting to know a guy should be enjoyable, and I should look forward to his messages. That isn't the case with this guy. Also, it's not right for me to lead him on with continued communication when I'm so unsure about him.
Thanks for all the advice, folks! This really helped me think through some things, and gave me some different perspectives and ideas.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. I sent this guy some more pointed questions last night, and so far he hasn't answered...I didn't exactly "call him out" on anything, but I hope I opened the door for him to clarify some of the red flags. Hmm...it's been more than 24 hours since I messaged him...maybe I need to send HIM a reminder! :goofball:
Dkj, to respond to some of the things you brought up, here are some more thoughts of mine in regards to my 6 "red flag" points.
1) You said: Moving to a different area is a big commitment and needs a whole lot of preparation in advance. Does he have a job to come to? Somewhere to live when he arrives? If he's talking of marrying you then presumably he'd expect to move in with you when he arrives (married then or not)? Would you have to support him while he finds work or trains to become a pastor?
I say: He's lived in GA before, but it's been quite a few years (maybe a decade). As far as I know, he doesn't have a job lined up, as he plans to start a church of his own. I assume that he does not have a place to live here, or he'd already be living in GA. As for supporting him, I don't know...I guess if he didn't have work, I would have to...but I don't exactly make a lot of money. Oh, and the area he wants to move to is far enough away from where I live that I would have to quit my job if we did end up married. In this economy, it's anyone's guess whether or not I would find another job.
2) You said: Why does he want to leave not just his current town, but the whole area, and quickly?! As with point 1 above, it's not something you do on a whim. Is there something he's running away from (be that a very real problem such as the law or bad guys, or something emotional he feels he can't handle)? Is he well known, for the wrong reasons, in his location?
I say: I think he is trying to escape a couple of things, such as the small town he lives in, and his family...ok, so it's just his mother, but he does live with her and acts like he can't stand it.
3) You said: With the best will in the world, even a couple in love will have times when they can't stand to be together - even if only for a day - and those times are when you really appreciate your friends. Has he got any friends in your area already? Does he sound like the type that doesn't make friends? What if things turn sour between you; who will he have to turn to then? (he should be asking himself these questions already)
I say: My thoughts exactly. I don't know if he has friends in GA, but I'm assuming he might at least know some people here. When I asked him about friends, he asked if Jesus counts. He wouldn't even tell me about any friends who lived far away.
4) You said: Negativity towards others may just be a character trait that you have to accept, but refer to point 2 - is he angry with people because he's earned a bad reputation and feels it misjudged?
I say: It's a character trait that could be accepted, but I also find it to be annoying and even depressing at times. I like to see the good in people as much as possible, and I try (though I don't always succeed) to not place blame where it doesn't belong.
5) You said: It's fairly common to rush into things and this particular subject has been done to death here already, but again, has he thought things through? I'm assuming you haven't met in person yet so speaking of marriage and stuff now is irrelevant at best, however as most women, especially if they're still single when they head towards their thirties, are eager to be married, then he could be offering it as a 'carrot' to you. Keep your head, even if you really badly do want to settle down and marry!
I say: No, we haven't met in person, we haven't talked on the phone, and we haven't even emailed off-site. Speaking of marriage is definitely irrelevant, but I try to keep in mind that it's a dating site, and we are both obviously looking for a spouse. I'm just not in quite as big a hurry, apparently! I wonder if I'm the first person (or maybe the ONLY person) he's communicated with? If so, he might feel that since I answered his message, we are supposed to assume that we are "meant to be." I know that when I first joined a dating site, I felt like every single guy that talked to me could be "the one." It took a little while to realize that I might talk to dozens of guys before finding someone that even had potential!
6) You said: Unfortunately there's no accepted norm for how quickly people should respond. His expectations are clearly different to your own, but that's not necessarily a problem.
I say: That's true, but he must be pretty dense...I've told him more than once that I answer messages as soon as I can, but it might not be immediate!
