I felt like I was willing to more seriously date her and hopefully move closer to Marriage.
But I was Praying a Prayer to God during that time.
The Prayer was that if she ever commits any form of Infidelity for Him to separate us and cut her off from me.
I was feeling an uncomfortable jealous feeling one morning.
I figured it was just my old stuff and paranoia happening.
And as I had throughout this, I Prayed for God to help me.
Usually He would eventually help me center myself and find a point of reasonability.
But this time it didn't seem to be happening.
I Prayed and Prayed for a while throughout the morning.
Eventually I Prayed that God cuts me off from her entirely if there was any Infidelity.
And I felt a clear feeling like something had been cut off from me, I don't know how to describe it.
I Prayed for clarification throughout the day.
Ultimately I feel like it was clairfied that something had happened.
I Prayed that God stop me if I was making a mistake by walking away, and there was no response to when I did walk away.
I had felt like God was giving me signs that she was not a woman for me before that.
I just didn't acknowledge it at the time I guess.
But yeah, Idunno.
I haven't told anyone around me that I was even talking to a woman, let alone that this happened.
It hurts.
I really just want to find a woman who I can trust.
Someone who's Faithful to God.
Doesn't have strange ulterior motives.
Who doesn't see me as just another guy.
And now I feel like I have to add "Doesn't have a really close guy friend" to the mix.
I'd even be willing to stop talking to my female friends for the sake of not being a hypocrite.
My Wife and God are of more importance at the end of the day.
Idunno, I just feel like I needed to vent.
This sucks. I feel like women don't take me seriously or see me as boring.
I'm just busy, broken, mending and tired.
I'm working with God to put myself together after a lifetime of being broken down.
There'll be time enough for Joy, but right now I have things I need to work on.
And I kind of need a woman in my life at the moment.
I know people will probably disagree with me.
But I'm struggling to care about almost anything at the moment.
Struggling to keep myself focused on the process.
I just have nothing to fight for.
I fought for the people of this world most of my life.
(It's a long story.
But basically I put myself through a lot of this hurt for the sake of learning and growing, in ways that I could use to help people later on in my life when I recovered from it.
If it sounds out the gate and unbelievable, that's probably because the idea came from a 7 year old version of myself traumatized by a recent event and, unknown to him, in shock.
Basically it was the ideas of a kid who watched too much tv and wanted to be some kind of real world hero, helping people with their hearts and minds and other things.)
But I fought for people in general for most of my life.
When that burned up, I held onto the Love I had for the people I cared about.
When that started to burn up I held onto the shreds of both that I had left.
Coming to Christ and finding out that my strength and wits mean very little in terms of saving souls, that God leads them to Himself and through into Relationship with Himself.
It kind of broke me.
It'll only work when it was a part of God's Plan.
And that's hard to handle.
Now I look out at humanity and try to come to terms with the fact that I myself, while I can be a vessel for Salvation, can never choose who lives.
The point I'm getting at is I find it hard to keep working forward.
I feel like God wants to use me to help others through my Testimony and other things I've learned along the way.
That's usually what He calls me forward with.
But I just don't care anymore.
Live, die, it all just seems the same.
I experienced losing a girlfriend to suicide when I was a teenager.
It just feels like I've been staring death in the face my whole life, but especially since then.
Finding a woman who wants to be mine and for me to be hers, that's what's kept me going most of my life.
My own personal blessing out of everything I was working for.
I'm so tired. But I will get up.
Because unless God doesn't intend for me to get up, I'll get up like I have over and over again.
Not by my strength, but by His.
I've walked along on fumes for years and years.
I guess we'll see how much longer the sandals underneath my feet can handle.
I just needed to get this out there somewhere, it's hard to keep this all up inside.
May God Bless and Protect you and yours, in Jesus Mighty name.
Friend says she never had a problem with depression until after working under a female tyrant who found fault with everything she did.
She said the whole experience left her under such fear and anxiety that she had to see a psychologist or psychiatrist who put her on antidepressants.
After years on that stuff, she wants to get off it but any time she tries she ends up going nuts and has to get back on to live normal. I’m going to mention the alternative you brought up and see if she can check it out.
Glad Cognitive Behavioral Therapy C.B.T. worked for you!
I hear you say psychologists and psychiatrists are worthless. I just heard Joyce Meyers preach on this. She seems to agree with what you have stated and she spoke of THE COUNSELOR, the Holy Spirit, as the best counselor you can get. So why bother with the inferior?
Getting off antidepressants has to be done by gradually by reducing the dosage over time and I think most Psychiatrist would advise against stopping a source of income for them.
When I decided to do it I didn't even ask. I just began reducing it myself. Most people won't be able to do that unless the medication they're on comes in a solid pill that can be divided easily into smaller sizes.
Mine didn't but I had a scale used for reloading ammo that measured in grains. So in my case I weighed the contents of one medication capsule and reduced it by 10%. I did 2 weeks worth that way and continued reducing it every 2 weeks so in about 5 months I was antidepressant free.
I suppose it's possible to cut the weaning off process shorter but I didn't want to chance things because I too know what it's like to go off them cold turkey. I once let my prescription lapse not knowing what happens if you abruptly stop but I soon learned.
I still had one lingering side effect that took years to subside and in fact every once in great while I still get one. There's a name for it but I can't remember what it's called. It's nothing serious and would have to describe it as the sensation for a split second of an electric shock inside the brain. It started out happening maybe a couple times a day but now it's maybe once a year and has been that way for the last 8 or so years.
