Hey first off if you're reading this you're probably not one of the women doing this.. but if you are I got something to share with you..
I've been on this website for quite awhile and talked to the girls and guys.. and I have my own experiences here.. if you want a guy that is a good guy pay attention.
1. If you go to a guy's profile and you like him.. wink at him at least.. yes I know you think men should chase you down and slay the dragon.. and I agree... but remember we've never met you and know nothing about you.. also, if you don't wink or msg we assume you are not interested.
2. If we do happen to wink at you to see if you are interested.. don't go into some self righteous.. he didn't message so he's not a real man.. wink back if you're interested.
3. If we do happen to message you and put ourselves out there and you are interested.. write back an engaging email.. something to talk about.. don't write back one sentence replies.. we assume you're not interested! Yes, the man is the leader, but we don't know anything about you.. and quite frankly if you're worth chasing yet. Be willing to put forth some effort.
4. If we write you a quick email or something and we're the ones writing to you.. odds are that we have been messaging a lot of girls who have either not written back on longer emails or wrote back short silly replies to longer emails.. so if we are messaging you and it's quick.. don't assume it means we are uninteresting or boring.. write back something interesting and test the waters before you decide that.
5. If you're not interested in a guy.. don't write back anything at all.. don't respond to winks.. or you could even write back and say what it was that didn't interest you! Novel idea I know, but as Christians why don't we help each other out.. just don't write back out of pity.. if you write a short reply.. thinking men will get the hint.. well we do, but we think either a. she's not into us which is likely.. b. we didn't ask her something interesting enough which is possible.. c. she is just scared to put her heart out there so we gotta get to know her more.. d. she just isn't very interesting and we have to pick up the slack.. so if you're not interested let us know.. sure it sucks at first, but it's a lot better than wasting our time with a girl that doesn't like us because we don't ski or something.
And if you have any advice for men on profiles, things to lead emails with to get you to feel comfortable and talkative, things that turn you off quickly, or your own experiences.. feel free to share them we are all Christians who love one another here.
First of all, in this post there were reasons for why men write short answers. Women are told not to think they are boring because of this, yet women are told not to write short answers. Couldn't the reason why women are writing short answers is for the same reasons the men are, and men should not then think that they are uninteresting and boring?
Also it's mentioned that if we are uninterested, not to answer back or reply to winks - then later it is mentioned to let the guy know if we are uninterested. If this is refering to IF we have already answered and the guy won't take the hint so we need to tell him we are not interested - then I understand, however that needs to be stated more clearly. ;)
Anyway, if a guy wants a long reply then he needs to make sure he doesn't ask closed questions. No questions that require a yes or no answer, but at the same time, don't ask too many at once. Don't all of a sudden stop replying to a girl - let her know if you are not interested, instead of her wondering why the guy won't contact her again.
And I am curious... Guys have contacted me and I have been interested, answering everything that they have asked and have asked questions in return. They seem really interested then all of a sudden... *poof*... they disappear. Never to reply again.
I find the ones I am very interested in and excited to talk to, stop talking to me and the ones I am not as interested in, won't leave me alone. Any advice for that?
"First of all, in this post there were reasons for why men write short answers. Women are told not to think they are boring because of this, yet women are told not to write short answers. Couldn't the reason why women are writing short answers is for the same reasons the men are, and men should not then think that they are uninteresting and boring?"
Maybe I wasn't clear, but I don't mean for the entire interaction.. I was talking about the initial email.. if a woman writes a guy first and has a short email.. then the guy should not think she is uninteresting or boring.. I would have mentioned that also, but then I would have to rename the post, Open Letter to All Men And Women On Here :)
"Also it's mentioned that if we are uninterested, not to answer back or reply to winks - then later it is mentioned to let the guy know if we are uninterested. If this is refering to IF we have already answered and the guy won't take the hint so we need to tell him we are not interested - then I understand, however that needs to be stated more clearly. ;)"
- Yes don't answer out of pity.. I.E. If I say, what's your fav artists.. don't say.. Jesus Culture (which happens to be mine lol).. just out of pity.. reply with something like, you know your profile just didn't catch my attention because you seem kinda arrogant.. or I don't like white guys.. whatever.. I meant just don't answer to be polite. :) Because sooner or later, that's going to waste both of our times.
"Anyway, if a guy wants a long reply then he needs to make sure he doesn't ask closed questions. No questions that require a yes or no answer, but at the same time, don't ask too many at once."
- Fair enough advice.. what questions do you think a guy should ask that are interesting enough to a girl to share about herself? Obviously, while "hows the weather over there" is not a close ended question.. something tells me it won't go over too well :) Personally, I ask questions along hobbies, ambitions, goals, love of Christ, daily life.. etc.. I don't like to have to ask those questions though because they are same old same ol.. but if a girl doesn't give enough info in her replies, you can't really comment or joke on it.. so then you're back to the questions.
"Don't all of a sudden stop replying to a girl - let her know if you are not interested, instead of her wondering why the guy won't contact her again."
- You hear that guys? If you want women to be straight with you be straight with them. And the Christian thing to do would be tell her what happened to cause you to lose interest in here. This way we can learn from each other in love.
"And I am curious... Guys have contacted me and I have been interested, answering everything that they have asked and have asked questions in return. They seem really interested then all of a sudden... *poof*... they disappear. Never to reply again."
- Without knowing the exact conversation I can't give my personal POV.. however, a couple things pop up.. either he isn't really into online dating, has too busy of a schedule, or he just wasn't into you from the beginning.. let me ask you something to clarify.. when a guy doesn't message you, do you email him again or just sit there waiting for him to keep emailing you? One thing that happens to me is: I'll talk to a girl hit it off, and then afterwards expect her to show more than idle interest to me.. if she doesn't I tend to think she's not interested.. I don't want to be the one who initiates every conversation.. no guy wants to be the guy that girls tell them about "this guy just won't leave me alone or take the hint.."
"I find the ones I am very interested in and excited to talk to, stop talking to me and the ones I am not as interested in, won't leave me alone. Any advice for that?"
- This is another one that I can't really say for certain without knowing more about you and them, but.. this is online dating and while you might be a cool girl.. the girl who is down the street will be more real to them.. realize that life gets in the way.. Christ is in charge and He knows what we really need.. treat everything in life as it is.. us changing and becoming more into the Image He wants us to be. Chase Christ and everything else falls into place.. and if we don't find our "soul mate" is Christ sufficient for us? This is important for both men and women because when Christ completes us we don't come off as needy or jaded. Which tends to happen after going through the storms of life.
I want you to think about this. A woman should reply and say I am not interested.I want to know.I need to know.Silence ia kind of rude.Oh, never ever write anything that is a personal attack.A woman wrote on a post she does not want fat or bald guys.When you get in your late 30's or 40's like me, that body is not what it once was.Evrybody picks up pounds,ok.Saying we wnat a perfect body is rude and hurtfull ok.Just say I am not interested in you.
Yes,men are the same way.Be NICE in a reply.Give them the time of day.I respect a nice letter that says we are not a good match.Dennis
Interesting. Thanks for the pointers and perspective.
I agree with AJ. I have had guys suddenly drop off the face of the earth for no discernable reason. If they don't reply after one try I don't pursue (I just thank God). I have also had guys drop out of a live chat for no discernable reason. And I've been chased by men who would not take "No" for an answer.
I have tried to follow the golden rule on dating sites, as I have in person. I just hate it when someone doesn't respond, or just drops all contact. So, I do respond to winks and emails. Exceptions are men that do not have a picture posted, or men who keep pursuing after being told "No".
here's my perspective (I'm not saying you are wrong or that I am right) and it's just my point of view.
On your point 1:
You have your own business. Did you just place a sign up and wait for traffic? Or did you "proactivly" pursue customers of clients? I feel a man should show a woman that he can be proactive in life and will deal with any problems this way, instead of waiting for her or someone else to handle it.
By wanting women to initiate contact (and I see nothing wrong with that), I feel the man is just "holding court" and wanting the women to wait in line, while he peruses their resumes and either continues with them or dismisses them. If I were a woman I would be offended by this and would not place "my precious" self in that position.
Is it more work for a man? Yep...you bet! But....you know what? It kind of feels good after a long day of work to look back at your effort and see the "fruits" of your labor. Plus when you do find the "right" one you will cherish her even more.
On point 2:
This also speaks to point number 1. A quick and easy way to get "prospects" is to just find a parking lot and "paper" all the windshields with flyers. To me a wink is doing the same thing.... a cheap and easy way to get someone's attention. Perhaps the younger generation is not offended by being whistled or honked at, but I never got into that and I feel that "winking" is pretty much similar and just a lazy way of soliciting a response. If one is truly interested and not just "trolling" the waters; then an e-mail (no matter how short or simple) shows true interest.
Point # 3:
I half agree, but what if she is just shy and it took all her courage to write that short e-mail? Are you going to "write off" what may be the greatest thing in your life because she is shy? And how would you know if she is worth it without speaking more with her? Again....this speaks to a man having to "work" for what may be a great reward and not taking the "easy" road. You won't find Gold -- Diamonds -- Anything precious lying on the surface....you have to work long and hard and Dig...Dig...Dig to find them. I've ordered a dozen extra shovels.
Point # 4:
Read what you said on point # 3. You can't ask for something you won't do yourself. If you yuorself write short e-mails than except that others will write them also.
Point # 5:
Again, if she replys with a short e-mail that does not give you a clear indication of whether she wants to continue the conversation, than write her back and ASK HER....I know... a Novel Concept (sarcasm intended).
Lol I like the letter! Overly honest and blunt, but in a good way. I was trolling around aimlessly on the site and just happened upon your letter and read it. I definitely think some women need to read it... it's what prompted me to write you. So.... I just wanted to say HI and that I liked you well written letter.
The thing that annoyed me the most about the first few encounters with guys off this site is that inappropriate topics would come up SO soon in the conversation. Please, guys, we've all got a libido. We're all human, but please. This is the most discouraging thing ever--you think "oh this guy's a winner..." and then *splat* he brings up sex.
Also, something that's happened a couple of times now (and I've been on the site for maybe a week?) is that guys get sooo intense in the whole "getting-to-know-you" stage that they simply BOMBARD you with questions! I mean, I love it that they're asking. That's the sincerest way to show someone you're interested in them. But one guy freaked me out SO badly the first time we talked by grilling me for 2 HOURS about every aspect of my life. Then ended by asking if he could fly me out to meet him. I had been interested in him, but it quickly faded b/c I was so freaked out by his behavior.
Thanks for checking it out and adding your input :)
lol Beez..
What would you suggest instead for those hopeful romantics out there that want to get to know you better and still fly under the "weirdo" radar?
And I'm sorry but I have to comment to all the dudes replying negatively.. seriously, this was a letter to women not you.. being sarcastic to me and about what I've experienced only makes you look foolish it doesn't show your alpha maleness.. so better luck next time.
To everyone else - I hope love finds you when you're not expecting it, but let the "search" control your life because when you find the right person you want to be the right person for them.
