�After all is said, I'd want to begin getting to the "learning part" of ourselves sooner rather than later, finding out respectively if we really are compatible!�
While availing yourself in early day so you double check if this is really worth your time and attention invested in him, you get an invitation to humbly avail yourself for a date as he'll be preparing a meal for you. (This is not your first date inperson with him but it's surely one of the early dates).
You first pray about this ofcause and inquire from the Lord if it's safe for you to be indoors with him in his place of privacy, then you take it from there. While there with him enjoying the soft music his playing, loving the set up of his place with this appetising food smell dominating the room and arousing your hunger so much that you can't wait to taste what he prepared!:eat:
He dishes up eventually after a few drinks (could even be the alcohol free red wine that relaxes and put one's at ease) and a soft conversation that makes you laugh to tears. You enjoy your meal so much and ask if he really prepared all this? His reply is, "You're worth the effort!" With a warm smile on his face.
Few weeks latter you discover that he wasn't the one who actually cooked. He hired a cheff from a resturent to come and prepare the meal that you'll most defenately enjoy. :excited:
How will you take this sis considering it was still early days?
Do you take it as a lie cause you asked if he cooked?
Do you jokingly take it as one of those attempts of charm that was soon gonna be discovered? :ROFL:
Do you wonder if he often lied so he keeps you interested?
How will this impect the newness and continuetion of your relationship? (if I may call it a relationship already)
It's always great hearing from you dear sis and thank you for sharing your thoughts on this! I have to agree with you when saying, �I'll ALWAYS be attracted to a man whose confident and assured in who He is..�
�His approach, as the example you gave, would be fine as long as we both don't get caught up trying to impress one another with who can out charm the other..�
That is very wise of you to be cautious of. Though let's say while you are partaking along with the intention of proving your point that you won't fall for him and being as vigilant as you are of possible games played in charming the other, you're kinda expecting him to go out of his way trying to win your heart BUT instead you realize with time that his far less interested in even bothering to dare charm you! He reflects less of his strength and dwells more on his "weaknesses" so to speak.
He expresses his fear of being abused (fore weman can be abusive too), his timidity of being attached and welcoming a lady in what he refers to as his "OFF LIMITS PERSONAL space" that being his heart, his thoughtful worries at times of committing into a relationship that may not work out, how dependant on God is he will possible signal warnings, etc
Less poems Joy,
Less heartfelt massages to soften your heart,
Less promises of what he can offer,
And less chats of his achievements and material mentioned and that is exactly what triggers your developing affection for him! It doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't have these things, his rather more concerned about you knowing his vulnerable side and accepting that if possible rather than presenting his strength and having you missing early days of discovering and partaking in his weaker side.
With the above added to my question would you even think that he could be leading you into a game of some sort?
(Do expect one last question please from your last paragraph. Your reply is thoughtful and interesting)
Ladies what if you were to receive a first inbox massage containing the above qoated words from a brother whose trying to break the ice, describing himself more clearer than he did on his profile and expressing his values, his faith and what he stands up for. While doing this he permits you to either turn his request down right away or you'll most definitely fall inlove should you invest time conversing with him.
You feel undermined and want to prove that you won't fall for such a "self sufficient request" but instead you'll teach a lesson that you can write back numerous times and not even like, let alone falling inlove. But now things turn out the other way around as you like him to a point of falling inlove! As you get to know him better you realize that he meant well on his first massage, the problem is that you weren't ready to hear that from a stranger especially at first site. It was only a fair well meant warning that you misunderstood for "self sufficient request!"
How do you take him back to his first massage so you can make known of your current interest in him?
"I wonder what else is there that women don't like to hear right after we meet? What kind of compliments are okay and what are not okay?"
A complement will always be ok cause its a well meant statement, weather it was referred to her outer appearance or her inner most being! I don't think you did or said anything wrong inspite of the time frame of 1week. It would not have been the looks today but would certainly been a misunderstanding in something else in the near future regarding something that has nothing to do with her looks. I've observed that relating/communicating can be difficult and complicated even when people knew each other for a longer period. What you mean when saying something may not be what I hear. Already we're no longer on a same page even if you meant well or you said something bad jokingly.
One additional lesson I'd wish you take from this experience is to make a habit of going back on what was communicated and double check if both are still flowing on a same page. It works for me though my friends think I'm too sensitive and cautious of little things! I'd rather have that than assuming that the joke we all laughed at was only a joke, only to find it's been personal on someone else and I didn't know. Relating is difficult cause we can't read peoples' minds, we can only assume which often doesn't work!
I agree with both of you ladies and glad too you brought this subject up cause there's now more attention and focus on the negative side of the online dating than positive benefits of it. If I can enjoy the pleasure of fishing for a mate while ministering to somebody weather it's in a direct form or it's unknown by me that someone else would be getting a long waited answer that is now addressed through a certain subject discussed in the forum, if I can enjoy these while I'm at the comfort of my space, then it was worth registering and making friends as I get to know and connect with people globally.
I think it depends on the motive behind that friendship. Often times we know at first site if we aren't willing to pursue anything further than what we already have in friendship with opposite sex, yet again we know in early days if we'd encourage anything further than what we already have if an opportunity may arise. There's always a motive behind us befriending certain individual versus a certain type of people.
Again it can only be our loss if we are to class or categorise people on their current position especially if it's not a pleasant situation that they may be in like you've made an example of divorce. That individual may actually turn out to be a treasure in future marriage that he/she may partake in... In asmuch as he may be the cause of the current divorce. A saying that says, "Experience is the best teacher" is often taken wrong! We refer to the bad outcome of it when the guilty part pays the price for his bad deeds, when there's also great lifetime lessons that may be learned hard to bring out the best that wouldn't have manifested from that particular individual if he had not done the wrong thing that he has done already.
I was talking to a fellow brother in Christ who's very disturbed by a high rate of divorce in churches especially in leadership. I didn't believe what I said and kept wondering what was that coming from? My statement left me feeling ashamed at how he must have taken me cause it seemed as if I'm condoning sex before marriage, which I'm totally against! I was only expressing what was on my mind at the time.
What I said to him was, "My personal assumption of what contributes even more on a higher rate of divorce in churches is sex! People who are not yet saved are 'free' to live life any how, hence they partake in sexual activities when they not yet married. Whenever deciding to marry, their reasons are more valid and they are sober minded since they've been exposed to privileges reversed for married people! That marriage relationship stands to last longer cause it was never based on a rush for sex!
Coming back to the church now: I'm really disturbed by what the apostle Paul said in 1 Corinth 7 when addressing the church about marriage and rebuking sexual activities taking place within the church! Can a marriage really be layed on a foundation of passion and fulfillment of flesh/lustfulness? I totally double that this marriage will stand it's test of time! What happens after the fulfillment of the flesh other than frustration? Kids are gonna come forth being very expensive not to mention draining much emotionally from both parents. In asmuch as they are a blessing, they also are the worst threat if the relationship didn't have much time to be well developed and nourished before committing!" That was what I shared as one of the contributions of a higher rate of divorce in churches.
NB.... With that said, I by no means condone sex before marriage! Please get me right dear sis on that note! Now coming back to your question: I personally would have gone for the first brother who currently wants us to commit in conversations and get to know each other better without any rush! I'm very much aware that it would have been more advantageous to go for the other brother who seems to be well organized already. My 'issue' with him is that, the good side of him being ready to have his wife may compromise us an opportunity of a long term relationship before committing!
With the first brother we stand to disagree, to argue, to reconcile, to work on our differences, to learn to accept and be tolerant of each other. We have enough time to bond and connect. There's plenty of time to get to know each other better before committing. There's even enough time to change our minds rather than divorcing!
This would have been a tough situation on both parties if it was a real experience. It seemed hard when I thought about it before posting, but kept giving the benefit of the doubt on the other part claiming to have changed, repented and pleading for a second chance! It surely seems harder now that I've red your last reply. Suppose I've neglected the depth of the lady's wounds and focused more on this new creature's willingness and genuineness to sort out the issues of his family. My mistake!
This takes me back to our former conversation when I asked, "When does one start living up to his/her marriage vows?" What does the guy do if the lady does something that shakes his trust on her as her future wife to be? Does he walk away while he still can or does he start right there learning to forgive since he'll be expected to forgive unceasingly when his a husband?" (this doesn't justify us doing wrong intentionally just cause God's word is harder on guys). I now think we should consider and make most of our options while we still can, before being officially committed! Your last reply is mind opening.
This makes me wonder why then would couples not wanna be counseled when there's much to consider? (this is not necessarily a question directed to you dear, just wondering to myself). I have a spiritual mother who is a marriage counselor by profession. She once said to me and a group of girls, "Couples intending to get married never come again for their counseling after their first session. Why? Cause we bring forth subjects they'd rather not listening to when they so excited and inlove. We bring the reality of marriage on both saved and unsaved couples. At times you'll be even surprised that they not equally yoked from the word go!" Then I asked, "Does this mean they've changed their minds now that they not coming anymore?" Her reply was, "Nope, they carrying on with the wedding! The bad person here turns out to be me, carrying on about 'terrible' possibilities that they might find themselves having to deal with, when they so inlove with 'NO' possibility (that's what they think) of them dealing with divorce and the after effects of divorce.... being 'stuck' together until death do them part!"
Then I asked further, "Why do you first bring up the disadvantages of marriage and not the great part of it especially on their first session? That would have scared me!" she said, "First session of counseling determines the possibility of the marriages' success or failer, only they don't know that!" Most often couples who don't continue with thief sessions, will be coming back few years latter for a divorce counseling and recovery support sessions. If couples can't bear listening when counseled about the unfortunate truth and reality of marriage weather they are saved or unsaved, then you know for a fact that hard times are gonna destroy their marriage!"
I then thought it's wiser to consider getting married when one is no longer inlove with the chosen partner, but when you have now decided to love that person inspite of his/her....
Much blessings to you Joy for all you've shared.... This has been a 'tough' subject indeed!
