�Anyway, thanks for the perspective that, not only is it a daunting prospect, but it also raises more questions about my morality than if I had fewer children. Quite possibly that would concern other women as well.�
Hoosier, I commented on a general note since we do happen to have numerous children these days even when not married! I wasn't necessarily questioning you personally (or else I would have checked out your profile marital status first before writing to you in regard to the number of children). Some weman may not be concerned by this just as NRSV has shared her side of opinion on this.
A healthy normal relationship is possible even if the children were 5 OR more; however this requires first the two of you (lady and a guy) to be realistic of circumstances and possible challenges that you're exposing your selves to, before you both can invite and involve a number of individuals (your children) into this. And yes there are certain issues to be considered regarding the children. Such as anger like NRSV has already made an example of. At times parents may not really know how the process of divorce may have impacted and affected their children, let alone a sudden step parent to adapt to. All this may be overwhelming for the children to take!
Since normal relationships' are often a challenge to keep up with from an ordinary guy and a lady who both don't have children to bring with them in a new relationship, this can only make things a little harder in a situation that you've made an example of in your opening post which brings me to this second rely!
While posting and learning about relationships here, this is what I've taken with me, �A concrete foundation that has not set properly and had the right amount of cure time will crumble. What ever is built on that bad foundation will fall. It is the same with a relationship even though you are sure it is right, and GOD is at the center. It still has to grow and mature. If you go too fast it will be destroyed and will fail. It fails NOT because it wasn't GOD centered. but The foundation didn't have the time needed to be cured and become rock solid. Whatever is built on a uncured foundation is not solid and won't hold up under pressure.�
I hope you don't mind me sharing the above! Here's the reason I did: Being in a relationship with someone doesn't necessarily mean that you have been accepted for who you are and what you're bring with you! I won't dwell deep on the subject of �acceptance� for my reply will surely be longer than it already is! But all in all what is going to happen should by any chance you find yourself having to break the news of separation with your current partner that your children have tried to respect and cope with for your happiness sake inspite of their concerns and maybe anger too for divorcing their mother and introducing them to a lady they didn't know, most probably didn't even like only to have them rejected along with you just cause things didn't work out between the two of you?
Won't you rather work on having a relationship solid and concrete enough before bringing children forth just in case things don't work out, so you spare them from being introduced to any other lady?
Just looking out on what would be best for your children along with your recent partner's (should you find one)
That a thought provoking question is this! I enjoy these conversations and yes I may be kinda younger to even write back concerning this subject. Hope you won't mind me writing!
�Will many women, when they find out that instead of 1 or 2 kids, I have 5, be scared off by the prospect of being that busy a step-mom?�
Yes with me personally (not talking on behalf of all woman) it's a great concern that doesn't only question my ability to cope with the challenges of raising 5children as a step mother who may not be approved and accepted by these children just cause maybe they still having hope of you reconciling with their mother, weather you guys are divorced or you were only a boyfriend and a girlfriend. But it's a concern in a question of how many woman have you've been with, that you should end up being the father of five today? Will I find myself in a situation of having to adapt and pursuing too many children with different influences from their biological mothers if somehow they haven't got over you? Weman are influential and can use their innocent children to cause trouble, let alone the children themselves disapproving me from their own person reasons!
Please do allow me to qoate a scripture that condones my above mentioned concerns: 1 Corinth 6:16, �Or do you not know that he who is joined to a harlot is one body with her? For the two, He says (God) Shall become one flesh.�
Please don't get me wrong! I by no means, mean to refer to your ex(s) as �harlots� but all in all how many people (spirits) will I be joined together with as one through you?
Further concerns would be a question of what will I be gaining by partaking in all this? What do you have to offer in a relationship that I should accept you with all that comes with you as a package (5children weather being from the same mother or not)?
Now that you have posted on a wrong column, I'll comment anyway!
Just yesterday I was reading Psalms 139. Here are specific verses I'd like to share with you dear:
13 �For You formed my inwards parts; You covered me in my mother's womb. 14 I will praise You. For I am fearfully and wonderfully made, Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.�
Had I knew this passage before,
I wouldn't have had to go out seeking peoples' opinions of my looks and if they accept me or not. If you don't mind please read the whole passage. It's very short and interesting!
That's a heart felt post Spooky or maybe I've taken it personally cause I can relate with what you are communicating here!
I may not be able to offer the help that you need; I'm only writing back cause you making perfect sense to me.
It does happen at times (if not often) that the qualities/values that you seek for from an opposite sex are very rare to find and when it does happen just once in a while that you meet someone who has what you need, circumstances won't allow you to enjoy a relationship with that person!
With my situation I had to learn to both LOVE and RELEASE at the same time, which came up with a tough price I must say for how can you release someone who you connect so well with; most probably the only person you'll ever have such an intimate connection with? Sounds crazy doesn't it?
I would advise you to release and keep your distance especially if his still married weather or not they are together or even stand a chance of separating due to the wife cheating. The tough fact of this matter right now sis is that his married... Period! That alone draws a thin line. Maybe in the near future you may enjoy a spiritual relationship with him since you've mentioned that you sensed God's light in him but then again that depends on them resolving their marital issues. If by any chance their marriage does survive the current challenges (which you should hope that it does if you really care about him) then you have to be on a same boat with, make peace with what you can't have and let go!
Best wishes on whatever you'll decide to do, let it glorify God at the end!
13 �... Now the body is not for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body,
18 Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body.� 1 Corinth6.
�Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.� 1 Corinth7.
I personally believe that, there should be far more reasons to get married than the above qoated from the Apostle Paul not that I somehow belittle his rebukes and teachings about sexual immorality and principles of marriage! I do wonder however, if one should lay a foundation of marriage on desires of the flesh, �9 ... Let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.�
If this is the case now in the New Testament, then what was the reason for marrying in the Old Testament before Paul taught about this? Yes one may say, �The only reason that two people should get together and get married is because they can do more for the Kingdom of God together than they can do apart.� In asmuch as this sounds valid and true, I haven't heard a bible passage that supports this statement Rather in contrary Paul says, �33 But he who is married cares about the things of the world-how he may please his wife.� Which in me communicates 'mis-priorities' so to speak!
What were former marriages based on before Paul taught about these principles, surely there were married couples even then hey..?
If you may be willing to answer my next question in advance continuing from this one; please feel free to do likewise:
I have learned through this dating site, that God does permit an end of marriage through divorce, provided it was due to infidelity! Other than that; this is a lifetime covenant �39 A wife is bound by law as long as her husband lives; but if her husband dies, she is at liberty to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.�
Could it be that Jesus through the Apostle Paul came to change the former law in the Old Testament; the law that permits remarriage of the wife even if her ex-husband is still alive if their reasons for divorce are based on infidelity or abuse, since in Corinth Paul teaches that she must stay unmarried till her husband passes on?
Please ignore the above reply for I don't know what heppened that I should only have few sentances of my reply posted. Could have been my signal this side.
This is what I meant to share:
I know dear that you shared cheerfully from your heart on what you learned from the seminar that you attended.
My mind lately keeps revolving around Ruth and how blessed she was not only by being part of Jesus' chain of genealogy, but with further privileges of having Boaz as her chosen partner! What can a woman really ask for other than having a protective partner who goes as far as protecting you from your own vulnerability. With Ruth it was love at first site when she was only told about Boaz let alone meeting him! I personally can't help it but to wonder what was she really up to when she uncovered the man and laying on his feet? Could there be a chance that she was overwhelmed by the desires of her flesh maybe, not necessarily that she wasn't inlove (which reflects what I said on my reply earlier about love at first site being mistaken with emotions that take place along with it).
Boaz being a man of integrity, most probably being one of his kind during that time; had no intentions of taking advantage of her vulnerability. Not even when he was drunk himself! Instead he protected her from herself. What an expression of true love is this? Doesn't love protect? Aren't we called to live up to that very purpose ourselves? How many guys who would have done that then and now? David went as far as killing someone's husband just so he has access to wife out of lustfulness! I have such respect for Boaz for he wasn't only advanced in age BUT he was just as matured mentally and spiritually! If any woman tested true love was Ruth inspite of her weaknesses.
Boaz being a man of integrity, most probably being one of his kind during that time; had no intentions of taking advantage of her vulnerability. Not even when he was drunk himself! Instead he protected her from herself. What an expression of true love is this? Doesn't love protect? Aren't we called to live up to that very purpose ourselves? How many guys who would have done that then and now? David went as far as killing someone's husband just so he has access to wife out of lustfulness! I have such respect for Boaz for he wasn't only advanced in age BUT he was just as matured mentally and spiritually! If any woman tested true love was Ruth inspite of her weaknesses.
Expressing my agreements and disagreement on this post doesn't make it anyless beautiful and educating.
* �Sin has affected our ability to truly love and to experience true love.�
I'm in total agreement with you on this one. I was amazed when reading 1 Corinth13:6, �Love does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;� In short, we can't claim to love and yet be sinful. Can sin and truth have anything incommon? Doesn't sin hinder us from experiencing an intimate relationship with God? Can we really claim to be his �vessels of honour� when associated with sin? His word in the book of Peter says, �Be holy for I am holy!� This means love is pore and in poreness we are expected to conduct ourselves.
* �We must not fall in love but we grow in love. Love at first sight is not love at all. Love is based on the knowledge of the other person. If you know little you love little. The more you know, the more you love.�
I seem to have a different perspective on this one sis, I thinks it's a question of the kind of love that may be referred to at that point in time. I personally believe inlove at first site though I'm fully aware that it is often mistaken with lustfulness. Another mistake that usually takes place in regard with �love at first site� is ignorance when coming to necessary nourishment in early days of this experiences. �Love at first site� is just as fragile as love that develops over time! It still requires patience, tolerant, attention, understanding etc; which are often neglected for a whole lot of reasons since we don't wanna wait, taking things easy and investing time in bonding with the other is essential before we can enjoy the fruits of this! Knowing more about you doesn't necessarily mean I'll most definitely love you more! How many times do we withdraw in relationships as we learn and discover more about the other part? This is where I agree that people who are inlove are most better off not committing while they inlove BUT rather wait until they have decided to love one another. Solid decisions are taken with a sober mind not influenced by emotions. You can't help it but being emotional when are inlove.
* �True love can only be found in marriage. Love before marriage can be far from reality. People try to impress you. In marriage people become themselves. Unconditional love is found only in marriage.�
I think that �true love� is and can only be found in God and then expressed to the other! How can a lifetime relationship be established without expression of �true love?� as a fundamental foundation? True love is also mistaken with sex, that's why we are told that it can only be enjoyed and expressed in marriage. Sex is a fruit of flesh and it's physical desires as you stated earlier. True love has nothing to do with sex (which I think it's being mistaken with hence associated with marriage) but a DEVINE love that is being drawn straight from the source (God) expressed through a mortal vessel (your partner).
Maybe I shouldn't suppress this any further than I have already; I can't help wondering about Ruth's expression of affection.
�When Boaz had finished eating and drinking and was in good spirits, he went over to lie down at the far end of the grain pile. Ruth approached quietly, uncovered his feet and lay down.�
What expression is this?
What is she communicating?
In which category of the 5languages of love is she belonging to?
Thank God Boaz was on the same page with her fore I can't even begin to imagine the vulnerability she would have endured had she been misunderstood, disapproved and shattered down!
Her expression was too risky, (almost dangerous for her too) romantic and intimate! I think she falls under �physical touch and act of service.� That's my assumption when trying to understand what she could have meant when lying on Boaz's feet; she communicated submission and willingness to pursue given �instructions� with humbleness and selflessness!
Here's another interesting reply that I thought I should share with you dear brother, I hope you'll learn something from it cause I did too. Though I didn't explain to John that I'm doing a reseach on love, hence my current questions are often revolving around God's love and how it should influence our lives.
Here is his reply:
My Sister
May God bless your questioning.
If a person were working on building a house, what area of that house should he focus upon. Should he start with the roof so that the sun would not blister him? No there would be no walls to hold the roof up. Should he build the windows so that he would be able to see outside and be able to close them to keep out the wind? No, there would be�no walls to hold the windows. So then we should start with the walls so that they would hold the roof up and encase the windows. But wait, what good are walls without a foundation to build those walls upon. Jesus taught that a house build upon the sand, or to follow this analogy a house built without a firm foundation will certainly fall.
Dear One. The reason that you were enrolled in the seminary course was so that you would have a firm foundation in scripture. Please believe me when I tell you that I understand and have been in your place of seeking answers to so many questions. But seeking answers to every question is like looking for a roof to bring comfort and security or looking for windows to look through to try to find a fresh perspective that brings enlightenment. What is accomplished from these things will not bring the lasting comfort and security that comes with building a firm foundation. If work upon building one section of the house for a little while and then without completing that section move to another section of the house before moving to another and another..... Then it is unlikely that we will ever complete building the house and will not then know the warmth, comfort and security of having a completed house. My sister: Build your foundation with the word of God brick by brick in an organized manor following the building plan that you have. You do not have to work on the course that I had sent you. That is not my point. My point is that we have little time on this earth and if we do not build our knowledge of God brick by brick we will come to a point, later in life, were we will realize that we have studied much but have accomplished little. Please don't wait until you are old like me to find out that you could have accomplished if you had stuck to your studies.
As for your question about Jesus asking Peter "do you love me?"
This is a section of verses that it really helps to go to the original Greek language. Jesus is asking Peter do you love me and Jesus is using the Greek word "agape" for love. Agape is a sacrificial love. (when I write letters I use the capitalized Love to signify "agape") Peter however answers "Yes Lord, you know that I love you." The word that Peter uses that is translated as "love" in the Greek is "phileo. Phileo means a friendship kind of love. Remember that Peter had said that he would follow Jesus to death and die with Jesus if need be. Lets reread this in context now.
When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you truly love (sacrificially) me more than these?" "Yes, Lord," he said, "you know that I love (as a friend)�you." Jesus said, "Feed my lambs."
Again Jesus said, "Simon son of John, do you truly love (sacrificially) me?" He answered, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love (as a friend)you." Jesus said, "Take care of my sheep."
The third time he said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love (sacrificially) me?" Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love (sacrificially) me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love (as a friend)�you." Jesus said, "Feed my sheep.��
John 21:15-17
So what do we learn from this?
1. Jesus accepted Peter with Peter's weaker love. Jesus accepts us as we come to Him when we come to Him in humility and honesty. Jesus did not tell Peter that he had to love Jesus in the correct way before Peter would be accepted. Again Jesus accepted Peter as Peter was.
2. Jesus took Peter's imperfect love and turned that love into a perfected sacrificial love where we are told in church history that Peter was crucified upside down. Peter's sacrificial Love for Jesus was proven.
3. Jesus asked Peter once for each time that Peter had denied Jesus, if Peter Loved Jesus. If Jesus had asked Peter only once of twice if he Loved him, then Peter would not have been laid bare and the healing for Peter's denial would not have been complete. If you have ever truly wronged somebody were the guilt was eating you up from the inside and you asked that person to forgive you..... if that person flippantly or quickly said "yes I forgive you" and then walked away. Would you not wonder if that person really meant it. Remember how Joseph's brother doubted that he had truly forgiven them and they were in fear of a reprisal from him. Jesus did not want Peter or YOU or me to doubt our His forgiveness for us. God knows that fear of Him will be something that keeps us from enjoying an intimate relationship with Him.
As for Peter loving Jesus more then "these." WE are commanded "Thou shalt�have no other gods before me." If we�Love anyone more then God then we will never be right with God.�
If we have a wound deep within us a, doctor would be cruel to give us a topical salve to heal the wound. A good doctor would have to cut deep to the wound to cut it out that it will heal. Jesus does not give us simple solutions or even simple verses to make us feel better. No, Jesus Loves us too much to not heal us completely.�Jesus will go deep into our pain and fear so that He can remove all of that pain and fear so that we can be made whole and�healed completely. We may experience pain when this happens, just like the pain that Peter experienced we will may also experience pain when Jesus comes to heal us. But we can be comforted while experiencing that pain in the knowledge that Jesus is the true Healer, the Great Physician, and He has already experienced the same pain that we have and therefore he will�turn our pain into relief. "Though our sorrows (pain) lasts for a night, rejoicing comes in the morning."
My Sister know that you are Loved more then you can imagine and more then you can even accept at this time. Your Heavenly Father has placed such a great value upon you that even if you were the only person ever created, Jesus would still have died for You. God did not stop there. He continues to Love you so much that He has placed faulty vessels of His Love into your life to show you His Love. If teach and I can care about you and Love you from so far away then that should be an indicator of how much your Father, Jesus, the Holy Spirit Loves you who is close to you.
May your heart be filled to overflowing with the healing waters of Jesus
