A Police K-9 squad car was parked by a sidewalk at a mall with the K-9 dog in the back seat. When the Officer returned to his unit he saw a little boy about 5 years old standing on the sidewalk staring at the back window.
"Mr Please Man...is that a dog?" the young boy asked with a serious look on his face...he was almost frowning.
"Why, yes son...that is a dog" answered the officer.
The boys lips were squashed together and he paused for a moment...still staring at that window...then asked the officer "Are you taking him to the lease station?"
The police officer was writing some notes, but stopped briefly to answer "Yes...yes I am"
The little boy took in a deep breath through his nose...turned and looking up at the policeman with his pouting lips and squinting eyes said
Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."
The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."
"What's the bad news?"
"The bad news is that you're pitching on Wednesday."
///
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
A man just bought a brand new Corvette. On his way out of town he stops at the last street light heading out of town and sees a young boy wearing sneakers on the sidewalk next to him. The young man asks "Sir, may I ride with you out of town?"
"I'm sorry son but no" he replied.
"That's OK...I'll just run beside you" was the kid's retort.
"Right!" the man thought and with a chuckle he accelerated when the light changed and headed out of town. He was going 30 mph and about to shift gears when he saw the little boy out of the corner of his eye. He was running right next to his car!
"Wow" he thought and shifted into second gear, accelerating to 60 mph. He glanced to his right and there was that little boy...huffing a little more, but right there with him...at 50 mph!
"No way!" the man exclaimed and shifted into third and gunned it up to 70 mph! He looked over expecting to see the boy gone only to be shocked to find him still there! Huffing and a Puffing, but keeping up!!
"Let's see if you can run this fast" shouted the man as he shifted into fourth and sped up to 100 mph!
"No way that kid can run this fast" thought the man and he slowly looked over to see if that kid was still there. The boy was gone! Amazing kid, but he finally showed him! The man slowed down and pulled off the road...waiting for the kid to tell him what an amzing thing he did, but no kid!
So he turned his car around and headed back, looking for the boy. About half a mile back he spots a dark mark on the road that heads off and turns into a long "Gouge" in the ground that "wiggles" off towards the woods.
The man follows this "gouge" and finally finds the boy up against a tree -- all bloodied up and bruised.
"Are you OK son?" he asked "What happened?" "What you just did was absolutely AMAZING!"
You could tell the boy was in pain but he did not appear to be seriously hurt. He slowly pulled himself up and said
"Have you ever blown a sneaker doing 80 mph?" :ROFL::ROFL:
"Blown a Sneaker" KaPow! Flop Flop Flop!! :ROFL::ROFL:
KaPow! Flop Flop Flop!!!!! :ROFL: ... I thought immediately in the "condition" of his fingers ... like red little balloons... :ROFL: ....Oh, Oh... I am sorry... this is kind of black humor but still :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL:
This has been the month I have laughed the most in my life... you all believe me... Thanks :rolleyes:
///
On the outskirts of town, there was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucket with nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered. "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery."
He cycled down the road as fast as he could and found an old man hobbling along with a cane. "Come here quick," said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."
The man said, "Shoo, you brat, can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is." But after several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence, they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth. Let's find out if we can see the devil himself." Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, but they were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought-iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy... :excited:
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost?"
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"
But, God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt, I have created that one."
............ Our God is an Awesome God.... :peace:
Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 76 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs "was I getting in or out of the bath?".
The 74 year old yells back "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells "was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 72 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful."
She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door".
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the "First Parent" asked.
Adam: "Uh huh"
"Then why did you?"
Eve: "I dunno"
Adam: "It wasn't me... She started it!"
"Did not!"
"DID so!"
"DID NOT!"
"DID SO"!!
God's punishment was settled and Adam and Eve had a lot of children of their own...thus the pattern was set too, and it has never changed... :goofball:
Angos, "Signs on Church Property" is so Excellent!!! Wow!:applause: It seems to cover almost any person! Even Christians that have dusty Bibles>.... Its no Joke to find real peace, a free trip to heaven, and the best of all; "a OUT OF THIS WORLD, retirement benefits"!!!!! I pray this will bless someone that reads what you wrote..amen:glow:
