Marriage Message #46 - It's Not About Satisfaction
Did you know that marriage has a purpose even when it isn't working? Most people miss this point. They think that marriage is about getting our own needs met. They think that it's about "me", and what am I getting out of this marriage? If that's what marriage is about, then why get married in the first place? Isn't that what being "single" is all about?
There's an article that appeared in Marriage Partnership Magazine titled "It's Not About Satisfaction" written by Julianna Slattery that we'd like to take excerpts from because it's so rich in wisdom. It was adapted from Julianna's book "Finding the Hero in Your Husband." We will post a link to the entire article and the book on our web site at www.marriagemissions.com, so you can read more if you'd like. Here's part of what Julianna writes:
"The Bible says, 'Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it' (Psalm 127:1). In marriage, we must recognize the importance of God in all we do. We cannot build our house without Him. Perhaps this is why all of our efforts can feel like we're beating our head against a brick wall. Although we can influence our spouse, we cannot ultimately change his or her heart.
The temptation to give up on marriage because it's disappointing or unsatisfying is what overwhelms many spouses. This is particularly true in a culture that's so focused on self-fulfillment. If a marriage is ultimately about getting our own needs met, then marriage is over when intimacy fails.
However, marriage can also be viewed as something beyond our needs. It's often the ultimate test of our values and character. Like no other relationship, marriage can highlight our fears and selfishness. It's essentially a ministry. The way we respond in marriage reflects our core beliefs and our very reason for living.
Being a faithful and loving spouse ultimately relies upon our choice to be faithful to God. Especially when a husband or wife is unlovable, continuing in the marriage is only possible when our life means more than finding pleasure, fulfillment, and happiness.
When marriage is viewed as a calling or ministry, hope resurfaces in the midst of broken dreams. The hope is no longer that the frog will turn into Prince (or Princess) Charming. There's instead, hope that God can be glorified through what seems like a tragedy. It's only in seeking God and His plan to build the 'house' that forgiveness and unconditional love can infuse life into a dead marriage.
If being married isn't about getting needs for intimacy and companionship met, then what's the purpose? Although God's design is for a husband and a wife to become one, the reality of marriage falls short. Marriage is a mystery that's meant to awaken and illuminate our hunger for Christ.
Throughout the Bible, there are references describing marriage as a metaphor for Christ and His people. It's through the marriage experience that a woman can understand her longing for a bridegroom who'll love and sacrifice unconditionally. The emptiness and disappointments that surface in marriage aren't supposed to signal the end of hope, but begin the need for true hope. Marriage isn't meant to satisfy, but to ignite that for which we were created -- int-macy with God.
Although God may ask you to persevere through a marriage that's disappointing and unfulfilling, your needs are important to Him. He doesn't ask you to ignore your longing for love and companionship, but to trust Him with them. Psalm 146:3 says, "Don't put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." Even the best spouse cannot provide salvation -- spiritually OR emotionally. No matter how good your marriage, you'll go through times of drought. Your spouse was never meant to satisfy you completely, nor you him or her.
Perhaps the most touching conversation Jesus had with a human while on earth was with the Samaritan woman as recorded in the Bible in John Chapter 4. This woman had been married 5 times and was currently living with someone to whom she wasn't married. She was thirsty for love. Try as she might, the affection of a man never satisfied her. She probably hoped that the next guy just might be the hero she was longing for.
Jesus knew her thirst for love, just as He knows yours. He said to her, "Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life" (John 4:13).
Is your well dry? Do you feel as though you have little to give your spouse? How can you love when he or she has given you nothing? The answer is Jesus. Imagine a well of love springing up inside of you. No longer are you dependent on your spouse's touch or compliment to make it through the day. Only Jesus is able to love perfectly.
You can only invest in your marriage when your life and happiness don't depend on the success of finding the hero in your husband or savior in your wife. If wives are desperate for knights in shining armor, they won't be able to vanquish their insecurities and disappointments long enough to invest in mortal husbands. Instead, you must depend on God and His provision for your ultimate worth and stability. Only then can you freely obey God's wisdom rather than your fears.
Intimacy with your spouse is a goal worthy of your attention and efforts. However, there are many happily married people who are spiritually dead. A great marriage is a good thing, but it's not the best thing. Both the excitement of a growing marriage and the despair of brokenness are changes to seek and glorify the Lord.
What an inspiration the apostle Paul was in his letter to the Philippians when he wrote, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:12-13).
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AMEN! We couldn't say it any better. Please pass these thoughts on to other Christians who are married or are about to get married. The enemy of our faith wants us to distort what marriage is all about. It's not about us -- it's about "living Christ." Is how you're living distracting you from living Christ in your marriage? Are you showing love to your spouse as Christ loves the Church?
It's our prayer that we'll all remember our "first love." Jesus said the "greatest commandment is: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" You can't get a closer neighbor than your spouse.
The question is: What have you done TODAY to love your spouse "as unto the Lord?"
With thankful hearts, Cindy and Steve Wright
P.S. If you think of others who may benefit from these weekly messages, please forward this and encourage them to subscribe to this FREE ministry. To subscribe, go to our web site at www.marriagemissions.com, click on "Subscribe" and fill in the necessary information. Every week we add new articles and people add helpful comments to the web site so return often. If you don't have access to the internet, you can send an email to [email protected] with "Subscribe" in the subject line. NOTE: If you receive our messages at work, you may need to ask the Administrator of email accounts to add Marriage Missions to their list of acceptable IP addresses to prevent spam filter blockers.
LADIES, What is it that actually "attracts" you to a man?
Posted : 5 Jun, 2009 04:20 PM
hmmm! That's a great question and you are right that
only a woman can answer for herself as this is very unique to each person. There is a variety of 'christian men' as there is 'christian women' so that tag alone doesnt sufficiently differentiate. Also different women want different levels of christ-engagement in their man.
I personally want someone who is totally sold out to Christ and is in a continuing education intimacy with Jesus.
..and I agree with the ladies - he has to be attractive to me which for me, is beyond skin deep. Its more in the soul. 1 physical attribute though - I am tall, so height is a plus :-)
Ian, I think 'pursuit' is totally different from 'game-playing'. What you described, "Keepin' em guessing", sounds like 'game-playing' to me, and truly, most grown ups should want to know where they stand.
The thing is, its hard to tell if the person is super busy, or doing the "Keepin' em guessing" game. Either ways, I personally consider it more respectable to send a polite reply - however how short. Even a 'sorry I will get back with you later'...
Pursuit though is a good thing. Read Songs of Solomon :-). But I think pursuit starts after a certain investment of interest on both sides.
ian777 , outside of Christ, I can see how one should be intimidated by bad experiences, but in CHRIST we have HOPE and fulfillment of the promise that "that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose" Romans 8.
So dear brother, my advice - focus on God. He's got your back.
PS: I don�t consider stories like mine 'sad' because it''s just a chapter and not the full story. God, my father, is the referee and he won�t blow the whistle until I win in alignment with my destiny in Christ :-). Think about this - those three days between Jesus' death and resurrection were sad, right? Nope! Because now we know the full story and understand that God had the final say! "None of the rulers of this age understood it, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory" 1Cor 2
Long story short, walking with God takes FAITH in ALL areas of life. Not just marital decisions but ALL areas. Otherwise, there is an opportunity for a 'sad' story in every life arena that can keep you from enjoying the destiny God has for you. Take the jump, brother, God is looking out for you. Take the jump UNDER HIS GUIDANCE and with complete TRUST in him!
All the best as you walk the walk of faith. Its so much worth it! I'm loving it :) Abraham had no clue the lamb was walking up the hill on the other side when he was walking up to sacrifice his solo promise from God. FAITH!!! God has you covered. You may not see the why's of your adverse circumstances now but God DOES HAVE YOUR BACK!
Ok, I better go. I could preach a storm on this - quoting my favorite minstrel from 'down under' - Darlene Zschech.
Wow, quite educating. I never thought much of the difference. I also thought that putting "marriage" gets across as desperate. I put 'anything' just because I was thinking "there aint no way I would just start a 'marriage-intended' relationship without been acquiantances 1st. I guess that's a given.
Thanks for your perspectives. I am going to change my profile :)
Thought I'd share this in honor of our military as we celebrate memorial day today.
God has led my 6 year old and I to appreciate military personnel every time we see them at the airport. We happen to fly pretty often to an airport close to a military base and the opportunity abounds!
So, each time we see someone dressed in the uniform, I encourage her to go meet them and she tells them "Thank you for serving my country" - She personalizes it as an American child. Recently, she doesnt even wait for me to tell her. She initiates it, and revels the idea of being an extension of God's love to them in that simple gratitude for their service.
...And she always has questions that help me teach her one lesson or the other about God's freedom in Christ and its price, the fallen world, selflessness, etc. So, parents, your children can honor others and learn in the process too!
If you happen to be a veteran or inservice-personnel reading this, YOU ARE HONORED AND APPRECIATED FOR YOUR SERVICE! THANK YOU!:applause::applause::applause:
I have a christiandatingforfree.com norms/culture question:
What's up with adding and taking people off your "Favorites" list? Is there an expectation that once someone adds you, you should return the favor? is it a 'favor'?
I can relate sometimes. What I have learned is to take each day at a time and fully leverage God's strength.
I never let my daughter feel disadvantaged and want to let her have at least as much as kids with two parents - in discipline, love, opportunities et al.
I pray my way to making that happen but will be first to confess that I sometimes fall short. Between piano, swimming, karate, private school, home work, play dates, etc. Sometimes I just want to weep out loud when I get overwhelmed! But it has pushed me to use my resources in FATHER so much more!
A favorite prayer is in Psalms 68: 5 and Ps. 62. I pray you find strength in Christ!
